No..it didn't JUST happen....

So it's been days since I blogged...other than yesterday about that stupid cunt calling. (I'd apologize for my language, but if you are still reading you are probably way past caring about my potty mouth).

The weekend was rough. I feel good today, so it's hard to get back into that head space but a few things stand out.

I mentioned once that something seems "off". I kinda figured out what that was. He was whistling during dinner when it hit me. He may THINK he hurts like I hurt, but I ain't whistling...

So I came to one of two conclusions:

A) He isn't hurting nearly as bad as I am or at all for that matter

OR

B) He is still lying to me/himself by projecting this carefree attitude.

Obviously neither one of them was sitting well with me.

So I confronted him with my thoughts. I got angry. Because he tries to deny he's lying. We go through the same ole same ole...I want you to be honest with how you are feeling....if you are hurt you are most definitely NOT showing me that. If you are sorry I don't see or feel it. He says he tells me. Literally less than once a day do I hear the words I am sorry. He says by holding me, he's telling me. I explain again how my brain works...silence is the enemy ...holding me is not enough...I don't know what he's thinking when he's holding me....he could be thinking "It would be so much easier to be with Rachel" "Why am I here?" "Will she ever get over this?" I don't know WHAT he is thinking if he's quiet. Him with the excuses...always so many excuses...it seems so simple to me. TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING...BE HONEST...why is that so hard? I accept that it may be hard for him to just start opening up...but does he REALLY want to save our marriage because THIS is what I need.

Day one goes well...he is saying what he is thinking...he texts me random texts that let me know he is sorry, he is hurting....YES...that is what I need.

Day two... a little less...I grow frustrated again...sure the books/therapists would say you need to ask for what you need...it isn't quite the same if I am asking all damn day....why isn't one good, long conversation enough? Perhaps this is how little he thinks of it...in which case...no, he doesn't understand that I am in nearly constant pain. My brain barely giving me any time to think of anything else.
Days since...well we shall see....sure there was a note before he left for work telling me he is sorry...will that be the last time he feels that way today??

Saturday or Sunday, I don't remember...I have a decent night sleep and wake thinking surely I will feel better now, but still I am in this mood. This hopeless mood.

At some point we have the It Just Happened conversation again.

I try to explain in great detail that THAT is not an acceptable statement. That statement gives me no hope for our future. How am I to believe it won't happen again when he takes NO responsibility for it happening in the first place. I explain that "It just happened" means he could walk out the front door look into some random person's eyes and BOOM he's helpless to control it...it just happens....he falls in love with her....He could be at the deli and exchange a glance and "It just happens"...IT DIDN"T JUST FUCKING HAPPEN. It didn't go from "Oh gee you have cute parrots" to "sure stick your tongue in my mouth because I love you sooo much and as soon as you leave your wife we can live happily ever after"....somewhere in there he KNEW he was treading on dangerous territory and he CHOSE to continue forward...it DID NOT just fucking happen....

I explained he's lying to himself to think otherwise and we will not make it if he doesn't stop with the bullshit. He tries to excuse it as just a phrase people use...I will not let him excuse his way out....Not gonna happen....IF we are ever to work the excuses have to stop...the lies to me, to himself....have to stop.

I think he may finally understand and believe that it did NOT just happen. This isn't a fucking fairy tale...it wasn't destiny or fate ...he wasn't a helpless victim to circumstance.

It is imperative that he gets that. He can not find an answer to a question he won't even ask. WHY DID IT HAPPEN?? the answer is NOT "It just did" "I don't know" there is a reason...or we are done.
I will not go through this again. EVER.

There are so many 3 letter sentences that I am tired of hearing..."I don't know" "I don't remember" "It just happened" and one that I can't hear enough "I am sorry". I hear "I love you", he doesn't understand that that isn't enough...he loved me while he cheated...it means nothing...just like getting married twice means nothing....why renew them if you couldn't live them?

I have a conversation about how he can never say he loves me more than I love him...it was something we always did...tried to come up with the best sentence proving we loved the other more..."I love you more than the number of stars in the sky" ..."Well, I love you more than the number of ALL the stars in all of the universes"....I don't want to ever hear he loves me more again...he never will. How many times was I propositioned? How many times tempted by a persistent man? NEVER did I stop being loyal. He claims this started so innocent...well how strong is his love if she wasn't even pursuing him and he faltered? She wasn't coming on to him...she wasn't pursuing him...HE did this.... He actually tries to argue with me...How?? How can he try to make any claim that he loves me as much as I love him? Is he truly that clueless? He compares our marriage to others claiming ours is still better....even though those marriages have not had infidelities (that we know of)....no..no our marriage is not something to be held up as an example to follow....please....be serious...open your eyes....we had an illusion. If it was real....something went terribly wrong, shortly after our 16th wedding anniversary....what happened that you went from "I never properly proposed, I should do it again right" to "I am broken, Rachel....save me from this lonely life"?? You say you didn't feel that way...what made you tell those lies to her...to yourself...all the while lying to me, when I repeatedly gave you opportunities to come clean...specifically mentioning HER at the very least 3 times.

His therapist is on vacation this week...just a delay in getting an answer....how long will it take? How many more of these "episodes" can he handle? I sense his frustration he says "I am trying so hard." "I can't do anything right" those words come so easily...how long til he breaks? How much more can I take?

And now he knows she's waiting. I think he finally believes that I know her better than he does. One insecure woman to another.... I know her. He can't explain why she called...because he doesn't know her. I explain I THOUGHT I knew him...21 years and I was wrong...he's known her a few MONTHS and thinks he knows her..HA! I know her. She wants to hear those words again. She wants to feel his love. He's so good at that...he knows what to say to a lonely, insecure woman...not so much to a hurt, angry strong woman. After our talk he kept saying "I am sorry I broke you" I had to correct him at least twice, maybe 3 times..."You did not break ME, you broke US" I am not broken. I am better than I have ever been. I have learned what I have become...silently, slowly...a stronger woman.

I am here fighting because I love him. The reality is we may not make it. I can chose to take the chance that our love is real and there is something in him that he can fix (as I fixed myself) so we can be stronger than ever and we will end up together. Or maybe I am wrong, he will hurt me again. If I leave now I lose him. If he hurts me again I lose him. I choose to stay and fight because he may not know he is worth it...but I do. I will not spite myself by giving up just to spare myself some hurt when the reward could be a lifetime with this imperfect, but perfect for me, man.

The call changed my mood. For the better. I felt a weight off my shoulder. I know it's weird. Welcome to my way of thinking. I KNEW she would call. Again my instinct right...giving me hope that this instinct I have about us is right. We will make it through. I feel myself at the edge of the cliff. I know I am capable of jumping...jumping with faith and trust that he will catch me and hold me forever and cherish the love that I have given so freely and completely. Not yet. It is too soon. I still want/need/deserve my answers. But I know I have the capacity to trust him completely again. When/if he ever proves he deserves it.

I treated myself to a massage today...and even got talked into (hah--she only had to ask!) a facial and a foot scrub. I enjoyed it more than I ever have. Often I wondered why I get massages, I'd be so tense with a stranger touching me. Why? Today I felt...safe?...deserving? I'm not sure...but I allowed myself to just go with it. The most relaxing massage I have ever had. She kept telling me I was a "beautiful woman"...compliments so uncomfortable for me, usually...I just kept smiling and thanking her. I like this new me. This me I have been but didn't want to acknowledge.