Hanging in there

The week mark has passed. It feels like so much longer. With the end of the week brought the beginning of overthinking. I guess the shock finally wore off. I don't like the overthinking. Shock was easier.

Ugh..there is so much I want to say, it feels a little daunting.

I will do what I do with everything overwhelming. Use my marathon training. Break it down into manageable pieces and when I am done it will have almost felt easy.

First. I am driving myself crazy with questions. With visions. If I ask then the visions stop, the wondering silenced. I still don't know if the answers he gives are true but I have to try to believe. He has already been caught in a lie since the big reveal. A dumb lie. A lie to "protect me". Will he ever understand I don't need protection, I need truth. I knew he had gone to see her, I knew it was while I worked. I remembered a day not too long ago that he had claimed he was going back to sleep after I left for work. I remember thinking "Wow, he must really not feel good to nap at 9:30 am". He rarely naps, rarer to go back to bed, maybe a catnap on the sofa for 15 minutes, but never back to bed. I texted him at noon. No response. I waited, retexted. Called. Texted how worried I was. Remember...overthinker here! I had an aunt have an aneurysm while taking a nap, she survived only because her boyfriend checked on her. His dad died in his 40's. He NEVER doesn't respond for so long to my texts. I was trying to calm myself but was really scared. My next break he claimed he had just woken up and was out in the bird room checking on them when I texted and that my break was over by the time he saw it. It didn't sit right, but he doesn't lie to me. So after the truth came out, I had asked him about this. "Were you really with her?" Complete denial, not even his usual "I don't remember". Days later I ask him again. Now I am holding his phone and my phone and tell him I will be going day by day, text by text comparing where he was with where he said he was. He realizes I will find the truth and confesses. I go INSANE. There's rage and violence that scares me. I know it's bad for me physically. I can not stop myself. This has to be the end. This is hours before our first counseling and I don't even know if I want to go. This seems like the end. One of my friends talks me off the ledge. "It won't hurt to go to the session. You can still leave if you decide otherwise." My anger is so palpable, so visible. And I am scared. I didn't want the therapist to see this. I am so afraid she will see that it's over.

We sit in the waiting area. He cries. I am angry. His crying does help. His pain can not be faked--I believe this almost completely. I don't think I really believe anything fully anymore. I ask him later why he cried. I need answers to every question I think of. I don't hold back. Even questions I am afraid to ask. He says he looked over and just saw how much pain he has caused me/us and just wants it to stop.

Therapy goes as I suspect. I do most of the talking. Some crying. Some cursing. She listens. Asks questions. He hesitates or uses the "I don't remember". She calls him on his bullshit. It's nice to have someone else say "Really?!?" and she did. With the same disbelief that I sometimes have. The unsaid -- "you think this is time for bullshit?".

She asks what each of us wants from a relationship. I have only one desire. Honesty. She presses the issue as if I am only saying that because it's the one thing I don't get. Surely I must want something else. I stop. I think. No, that is all I want. I explain the rest comes naturally. If someone is honest I will get all I need. I will get the affection I want. The love I want. The respect I want. I don't want any of that unless it comes from honesty. I don't want "Fake" anything. Give what you want to give, if it isn't enough, I will go from the there. I just want honesty.

I'm not even sure he got to answer, because she pressed it with me so much.

The session starts to conclude. I tell her I think he needs to work on him and find a why before WE continue. It seems useless to go in week after week and rehash this without that answer. She disagrees. I explain I am more than willing to do couple's therapy just think it's a few weeks away. She also thinks he needs a male therapist because of his dad dying when he was so young. She wants us doing this simultaneously and even states she may want to see each of us alone at some point. She makes it sound less than hopeful that the end result will be us together and she makes the road sound really long, nearly endless.

I feel defeated. It wasn't what I want to hear. I try to understand that she may be cautious about giving false hope and just wanting to establish that the work won't be easy. I feel like I made it clear I knew that and just think she could have dialed it back a bit. You can be a realist and not give false hope.

Dave and I discuss this and realize we both agree, it isn't me reading her wrong. He feels the same way. We decide we need another opinion. We think we may go to another couple's therapist and then realize we can ask a relative of his who is a professional. She agrees that every path is different for every couple and we need to do what we think works for us. We discuss at length and decide he will see a guy and we will see where to go from there. We will more than likely not go back to her. I trust my instinct from her original message "I'm so and so. Please leave your number...Have a blessed day". The word "blessed" makes me cringe and I almost hadn't left my number. At the end of our session she said she usually recommends blah blah book but it has a Christian message and feels it isn't ...hesitating "right for you two at this point". Is she going to try to convert us? Both of us had filled at our paperwork indicating that we were not affiliated with any religion. I used words like "rock hard cock" "fucking whore" and had tried to gauge a reaction. Would I ever really feel comfortable with her? Probably not. If we need couple's therapy, we will find someone else. I do believe we will but still believe we aren't there yet. I am also becoming more convinced, it may be time to find myself some help. I still have lots of mother issues.

It has been over a week since I have heard from my mother. Is that normal? She had called (she never calls and didn't know yet, it was about a sick aunt) and left a voicemail. I texted her a brief synopsis and told her to get the details from my sister and that I didn't want to talk about it with her. She had texted me back: I understand, I'm here if you need to talk. I love you. And that is the last I have heard from her. Is it me? That isn't how I would handle this. I try to think of what world this seems like the appropriate way to deal with your daughter. She knows I have had bad depression in the past few months. She knows of the fleeting suicidal thoughts I have had. Is she really as selfish as I tell myself she is? I tend to think things and dismiss them as me being overly dramatic. I remember saying at work a couple weeks ago, something along the lines of "Not even sure my marriage will survive" and thinking.."God, I am such a drama queen, why did I say that? I don't believe that. I just want someone to feel sorry for me right now".  And I thought I did the same thing with my mom. I thought I just wanted empathy for having a shitty mom. Other moms are way worse. I am just blowing things out of proportion. I just wanted too much. But do I? All you moms out there...your daughter, with a history of recently discussing driving her car into a concrete wall, tells you her husband is cheating and doesn't want to talk....how much space do you give her? Do you even give her any? I mean, I don't expect a call. But a text? Just a "Hey, hope you are ok. I'm here." She doesn't even have to expect a response, let me know, your sister is keeping me posted or your dad is keeping me updated through your fb posts. But, something...right?? Is this manipulative of me? Do I NEED to ask my MOTHER to be motherly?

That brings me to blame. I want to have a part in this affair. I need to feel I could have done something differently. But I go over it and over it. After the near miss 4 years ago (have I blogged about this? Quick recap...innocently (as in  I had NO IDEA he was doing anything wrong) found a secret email to a former coworker that bordered on inappropriate. The pattern of him trying to rescue a woman in an unhappy marriage. I focussed on the lies part because everyone said I was overreacting, he wouldn't cheat..and she was 3000 miles away. You are making too much out of it. There were many lies uncovered 4 years ago. Everything we did then to "fix it", we are doing now. The deja vu is a little rough. I explained how things HAVE to end differently this time. He even read self help books then. It wasn't enough, it didn't answer the why...because he still denied there would have ever been anything inappropriate and only accepted responsibility for the lies). It think everyone believes me now.)

Anyway...after that...I did everything in my power to be the partner he needed. He needs affection. I am a man. I come home, throw the keys down and chill. I have made a HUGE effort to hug and kiss him almost immediately. At the same time, thinking this is a bit unfair to lay all of the blame on me. If you need something from me...ask me. I have always said that and have never denied him anything. But then..he doesn't ask. I didn't fall into complacency. It's been 4 years. I wrote him a poem on 7-28. AFTER he was cheating on me. I have propositioned him in the middle of the day. I have continued showing him love and asking if he needs anything. I have tried to keep us from getting bored; museum trips, wine tastings, listening to cover bands live, zoos, hiking, day trips....pushing him to get a bicycle, pushing him to go out with his friends, pushing him to volunteer. I do not believe there is anything I could have done to prevent this.

And at the same time, I am somewhat culpable. I now know the timeline. Once my brain fog cleared, I realized I don't need the actual texts, I have logs. I went on to our cell bills and it's clear as day as to when it began. I even remember my son pointing out "Dave went from thinking texting is stupid, to texting more than I do" Did HE figure it out before me? He still doesn't know. Not his burden to deal with. If we separate, I will tell him then. Anyway. Timeline shows texting started mid May, with a week to 10 day lapse before our anniversary. This brought me some relief. Maybe they were still just friends then and the anniversary caused him to stop, realizing it wasn't right (yes, i asked, no, he doesn't remember). He claims he even wanted to propose again, because his original proposal was so lame and unromantic and un-Dave like. But then about 2 days after they resume (I assume still innocent at this point...as innocent as lying about texting a woman can be.) So he went from 50 texts a month to 4500 in September. And, I love this, "You have to remember that 1 text sometimes sent as 4"...oh so 1000 texts is better? 500 ok? How about ONE fucking text saying you love another woman more than me is too fucking many.....He told me he tried to stop it once...couldn't remember when or for how long. Thank you bill....it was just after the cruise (he texted her the entire time we were away) and it was for ONE FUCKING DAY...you really tried, hunh? Is that the amount of effort you will put into rebuilding our relationship (yes, I asked that question, he acknowledges perhaps trying really hard may have been an overstatement). Calls, too. Love paper trails...they don't lie.

So how does this help? I tried to find the message I sent reaching out to a therapist to give me a timeline on my depression. Couldn't find it. But then I happened upon a blog post. Written after what was an unusually long bout of "hormonal" depression, when I realized, perhaps, it wasn't hormones, it was actual depression. This is when I think his texts to her became inappropriate (MORE than just a lie). And, sorry, but your wife being depressed is not an excuseable reason to step out on a marriage. But I want to take the blame anyway. I have now told him. Instead of hurting me, did it ever dawn on you to HELP me? To try to reach through my depression? To ask me to understand? "You were so withdrawn" "You weren't here" Did you TRY to reach me? No, you didn't. Because I remember conversations about this. Me crying to him, that I hated being sad and that I was scared he would grow tired of seeing me this way and he LIED, he said "I will always be here, you can't drive me away" and once I was better it changed to "Yes, it was really hard" And again, I was scared, him admitting it was hard made me scared there'd be another, longer bout that he couldn't handle, but he reassured me...as he "fell in love" with her. He told me he'd be there. Did I mention she's married? Trying to leave her husband. Sound familiar? I don't really think you need to be a licensed therapist to see the connections...three times he has done this (including me), that I know of. Still doesn't answer, WHY? He could have helped both of us, but chose to help himself. Would I have responded to help?  I don't know. But minimally he could have offered a gentle shove towards a therapist, knowing there was a good chance that I would be needing one thanks to him. He claims he never wanted me to know. Yet also claims it was not going to go anywhere. And also claims it wouldn't have lasted forever. Can't tell me how he pictured it concluding. But, somehow, KNOWS it ended with us together. None of this is logical. My brain runs millions of scenarios and only ends with them eventually having sex. He insists it never would have happened. I remind him he also told me that 4 years ago wouldn't have turned into an emotional affair and I think we all know now it would have. This reminds me. I will be blogging about my thoughts and actions regarding sex in a separate blog. This is so those who are related to him or those uncomfortable with that much honesty can avoid it. It won't be graphic or X rated. But I feel it is necessary. I know there are other women who are going through or have gone through or who may go through this and they will want to know what is the "right" thing to do and I know there isn't a right way, but maybe they are curious how someone else dealt with it. And I will share my path.

This is the hardest part for me (is it really? I don't know). Why is he still here? A sense of obligation? A sense of guilt? Yes, I have asked. But these are things that only time can show the true answers, because his words still mean nothing. Yes he is here. Yes it would have been soooo much easier and more pleasant to go to her. He must really want me, not her. But I am way too scared to believe that. I have concocted some stupid ass ways to try to find a way to believe this. I wanted, felt I needed, to know would she take him back? I became obsessed with knowing this answer. Then I wanted her to believe he wanted her back, partly to see if he would lie to her, knowing it would hurt her to give me this closure. He would. My bff pointed out how this could backfire in a big way and I tried to stop wanting this answer. But still I concoct ways to get her to believe he wants her back so I can get this answer. And, part of me...just wants her to be waiting there, longing and hurting...and hoping...and be crushed when she finds out he will never come. And then the guilt comes. Guilt about hurting a person...even a home wrecking whore...guilt, knowing she already hurts. Shame that he will think less of me for wanting to hurt her so badly. Oh...side story...

My bff has an evil side...comparable to my thoughts but willing to act. He did this for another friend that was cheated on. I sometimes thought it was over the top, but still believed a woman who knowingly cheats with a married man gets only what she deserves. Play with fire and all that. So he had an idea. To visit her at work. I did not discourage him. I sat in the car, nervous as shit. Dave knew. We almost fought over this. I did not want him defending her in any way. When I reminded he we weren't doing anything illegal and that she shouldn't have messed around with a married man without considering the risks, he relented and conceded it wouldn't kill her. So my friend strolled in, walked right to the gluten free bread, straight to the register...super friendly she smiles "You must have been here before, you know exactly what you want" He pays, waits for his change and says "Yes, I do. I wanted to see what a home wrecking whore looked like in person and frankly, I am not impressed". Her face instantly dropped and she walked away from the register. She is an associate. This is a slow store. It would be just her and the manager on duty. She would have to recover quickly or explain what happened. This visual makes me happy. It makes me sad that I can take pleasure in her pain, but it feels like control. And I control nothing. My friend tells me I control everything at this point, but do I? He can still leave. He can still be lying. He can be here for all of the wrong reasons and this can end in the future at his hand. I am NOT in control.

Boy I have written a lot. And yes it still helps. If you are still reading, I am amazed and assume someone has hurt you. Maybe my honesty can alleviate your guilt at your evil thoughts.

Here's a funny story to elevate the mood:

Monday morning, no sleep, a telemarketer calls. I am sobbing hysterically. I answer. "Is this Ann?"
"Yes it is, sob and my marriage is fucking falling apart..sob...do you think I need this call right now? Do you think you could not call me again? sob..." silence  " well? Do you think you could fucking do that? Can you put me on your no call list? sob"   "yes, I will" click.  It felt so good. Why? Who knows... even with all going that I was going through...my sick sense of humor is there to assist.

Dave has always said I am unique and there is no one else like me. That I believe is true. I am one weird motherfucker!

So he's had his solo therapy. I will not share his details. He says I can. I won't. That's for him. If we get an answer, and he's ok with me sharing it, I will. He's got a bunch of books he found from some online research. Again...deja vu... I won't let that be enough. We need to know why or we will never  survive.

We went camping last night. We had gone camping about a month ago...just after his failed attempt to end it. I guess I am a get back on the horse kinda gal. If I don't do something it will linger in my mind and grow so big I won't be able to tackle it. Lessons learned in therapy past. It's why I had to kiss him that first night. I had to do it and take away the power of knowing how hard that first kiss would be. It couldn't haunt me. I slept like shit...about the same as I have been. 5-6 hours and that's it. Doesn't matter if I take benadryl, ambien or nothing....5-6 hours. I need more. I know I do. I am trying to keep up with naps. I could nap for 2 hours before...I barely make it an hour now. God our bodies are weird, why does it deprive me now when I need it most?

Had my first nightmare last night. It was him, but I was calling him "Michael"...he was basically trying to die....suicide by cop. I kept screaming at him to stop...he pulled a gun on a cop. At first I had thought he didn't realize what he was doing and then it dawned on me...it was deliberate...his only escape from me was to die. And that is my brain. At first it wanted to protect me...I was in so much denial, still believing he wouldn't do this to me. I blocked out all of those first 6 hours... whatever he said must have been right...or is my brain protecting me so I can try? That's where that first blog helps...I remember the certainty I felt that this is real and we can survive. I will cling to that until something shows me otherwise.

The first week I was scheduled to work every other day. That wasn't working. Up and down. Work was not a relief, not a distraction...hispanic women everywhere...the two cheating co workers, begging me to punch them, the love songs...the hispanic songs (we are a 40% hispanic music store)...the visions of how many times I worked while he was with her. It was hell. The first night was Tuesday...I made it the whole 6 hours. The next shift was to be 7...I made it 4 1/2. The next one 7 again, with a 6 hour shift scheduled the next day...I tried to get one of those shifts covered starting Thursday, knowing I could not do two in a row. I only made it 4 1/2 and to make matters worse...the only management there that day was the 2 cheaters and I didn't even WORK those 4 1/2 hours, I took a couple breaks, maybe working 2 1/2 hours (and my work ethic just doesn't allow me to do that...I don't need work guilt too!...that evening I called and found someone to work the next day. This allowed me 3 days in a row off...it was instant relief. Tomorrow will be my first day back again...I feel much more capable. I should have taken days off last week. This was a trauma, as real, if not as "important", as a death. Tomorrow is 6 1/2 and then it's an easy 5, day off a 4, a 6 and then 4 days in a row off. I can manage this. I am struggling with what to do about him getting a job.

Part of me knows he should just get a job, anything. The whole money thing is a long blog for another day, it's my issue trusting he has never been here because I can provide a comfy life. We have A LOT of money in our savings. At first I was desperate he never have any of it. He agreed to putting it all in my name...that won't matter...California doesn't care. Now I teeter back and forth...spend it all now, so there won't be any to split...or don't spend it...try to hide it from him...(he still claims he won't take any, no matter what the state would allow--but he's a confirmed liar). I think I'd need it to start over. I think we still need it to be able to fully retire sooner...and then I think "Fuck him, he can work forever"....so god knows what I will do regarding this...but I know I will take care of me right now and if that means working less and using savings...so fucking be it....if that means I want an Egg Mcmuffin after hiking, when I have lost 4 or 5 pounds and haven't wanted to eat...then fuck it...I am getting one...money be damned...and I did ...and it was so fucking good!!

Well speaking of food dinner is about ready....thank you for reading....how curious are you for that sex post?? Can you wait? It could be a few days....my fingers are beat! :P