I am so alone.
I have no one to talk to.
My best friend is useless.
He cares only about how things effect him. (edit after fact: my sincerest, deepest apologies I was dead wrong about him--well my INSTINCTS tell me he has a heart of gold but my fears and insecurities tell me he'd abandon me if I was too much drama....and again I should have trusted my instincts)EDITED again...I wasn't dead wrong about him..he truly only cares about himself...no heart of gold...no heart at all. he's just an empty shell of something resembling a human. I truly feel sorry for him. He wants envy, but literally there is NOTHING to be envious of. The best day of my life in the past 4 years is the day he unfriended me without a word about (I assume) a post my husband wrote. I have never felt freer.
My sister is her own kind of crazy. (edit after fact--again sorry if this hurts you but I don't want to burden you, when you have your own shit to deal with) EDITED again. crazy doesn't justify how she will always choose to hurt me rather than admit her short comings. I will always love her and wish her the best but I will not allow anyone to hurt me without apology again.
My mother's opinion means nothing to me. (edit after fact--because I KNOW what she would say) No need for an edit here, I am coming to accept and understand her for who she is. She's a decent person, perhaps an enabler but there are worse things to be.
And I lost my husband.
I don't know how it happened or why it happened but he isn't the man I thought he was.
I don't know if he changed...well I am sure he did. He used to put me above everything else but for whatever reason that is changed.
He says things that are mean, He does things that are mean. When I point it out he says he was kidding. But it's his tone. He speaks to me differently. There's an anger and a shortness in his voice.
He doesn't even know it. It hurts my heart to have him speak to me like that. but moreso that he doesn't even know he's doing it.
He's incapable of making me feel secure.
I have no confidence at all that we have a future and when I hint at that he does nothing to allay my fears.
I flat out asked for "loving" the other night--his response "What makes you think I don't need it??"
So I said lay on my lap and I will caress you. And he did and I did.....and that was it....nothing in return.
I am scared. Scared because I thought I knew my future and it's gone. I know nothing.
I teeter between hoping it's my crazy brain and that I am wrong and everything will be fine...to knowing that it won't be and we are just putting off the inevitable.
I don't want to lose him but I think I already have.
I can't leave...because I don't want to. I want to spend the rest of my life with the man I married.
But I don't know about this guy. Is it a phase? He seems so selfish. I feel cheated. He promised to take care of me and now.....I am alone. I feel selfish for the thoughts I have.
I waited my whole life to not have to be a pharmacist...to have him take care of me. And now he sits home, being picky about a job. I fucking HATED my job but I did it...for all of us....and now he talks of taking money with him if we split up...so I still support him? It was supposed to be MY turn..
And I really don't mind working but I hate feeling trapped and I do...because I am the only one working, so I am back to feeling like I have no choice. The place I work doesn't respect me ... I hate new things..I hate unknown things...and I am stuck....I have to move on and I feel like fuck it...if I am going to move on, why not change it all. Sell the house, find a cheap place to live and stop working.
Stop supporting him. I don't know why but I am feeling really used. It's just assumed I am supposed to be ok with supporting him financially, while supporting him emotionally and I get what back? Walking on eggshells...afraid if I say the wrong thing he'll decide he's better off without me. And is he? Or am I?
I love him...but I think he is just here for convenience sake. I think he hates his life and wants to start over without me. Will he leave once he finds a job? Is that why he changed his mind and decided to stay? He can't tell me why. How a few hours changed everything. He knows I overthink everything. question everything.
The one thing I am sure of, is he hasn't found someone. If he had I know he'd be gone. (EDIT after the fact...well I was DEAD WRONG...again I should have trusted my instincts)
I honestly am not suicidal but I also am not at all happy with my life right now. Nothing is going the way i hoped and dreamed. And I don't see an end. Not a happy ending.
He claims he doesn't sleep...he doesn't know what not sleeping is. I DON"T SLEEP.
I feel like screaming. I feel like running...not exercise...just running...far far away....
I can't do this.
I need someone strong enough to get me through my insecurities. And new Dave isn't cutting it.
It just feels wrong.Wrong wrong wrong.
the whole world is fucked up, I count on my relationship to be the one right thing and it is far from that.
I don't know how to fix it. I don't think it's up to me. Everything is out of my control.
Every thing I think isn't trustworthy because I don't know where or why I think the things I do.
I go through moments of spite. I go through moments of trying to be the good wife waiting it out. But mostly I just overthink every goddamn thing.
UGH I hate limbo. I don't even know how to get out of limbo.
I don't know what he could say to make it right but I do know what he doesn't say says too much and the way he says what he does say says a lot. Just telling me he loves me doesn't cut it. It doesn't make up for the exasperation vibe he gives off. Sure I think he still finds me attractive and I know he "loves" me, but apparently he loves everyone, so that's about useless to hear.
How can I get my Dave back? Is it my fault for not appreciating him enough when I had him?
Why couldn't I be what he needed...God knows I love him as much as he wants me to, I just have never been good at showing it.
I don't want this life I have right now. It feels wrong to complain...so many people's lives changed by the Las Vegas massacre and here I whine about my stupid marriage and job.
But it's pretend. All I want to do is sleep when we are here together during the day because sitting side by side on the sofa doing nothing is....is quiet and lonely. Watching TV for hours, even when he' beside me...feels lonely. Being at work is a relief. Here I feel guilty for feeling sad and lonely. I don't want to be in the same room with him because it's a reminder of everything that's not quite right.
I guess this is how he felt when he was emailing Holly....I feel empty and alone. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. And scared.
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