It's a new month. And today I feel really good. I woke up at 3:30, probably awake for an hour but not with any bad thoughts. He woke up to pee and said "I am so sorry I hurt you". The past 2 days he's finally gotten it. On Halloween we had another conversation about him not hurting. I flat out told him "I love you" means, literally, nothing to me. He said that how many times...while telling her the same thing. Those words mean nothing. I suppose ALL words mean nothing. But if I have to hear words, the words I want to hear are "I am sorry". I think this time he gets it. I don't think I really said anything new, other than that "I love you" hurts more than helps. But he gets it this time. In my heart I know he loves me. I don't need to hear that. In my heart I am still not so sure he hurts like I do. The past 2 days have been different. Watching TV and a storyline is about an affair...he says he's sorry....he understands that that's where my head goes--and his does too. Now I know. Before it felt like he was oblivious. He hid it or it wasn't there. When he speaks, I know. I suppose he could just be saying what he now knows I want to hear, but it's still a helluva lot better than hearing nothing.
Over the weekend the song I Can't Make You Love Me popped in my head. We were in bed and it started a stream of tears. It made me feel helpless. And the truth is none of us can make anyone do anything...including love us. He either loves me or he doesn't. Right now I know he THINKS he does, but I am still so scared that through therapy he may realize he doesn't. And I can't do anything about that. He either does or he doesn't. I can't love him so much that that will make him love me. Once again...I have no control. That's kinda the way love is, right? It isn't something controlled.
I keep thinking about the song he shared with her I Want To Know What Love Is. Does he yet? Does he know what love is? I do. I loved everything about him. Every single thing. Of course now I don't....I don't love whatever made him do this. I hope it turns out to be a self esteem thing, a mid life crisis. Something solveable. Not that he doesn't love me. Can I hurt more? I think I can't. But that's because I have the hope that we can get through this. But if he doesn't love me? Well....that's it. And that will hurt worse. All new questions will arise...did he ever love me...when did he stop loving me...I suppose it's pointless to go down that road right now.
He's been forcing me to look into his eyes while he apologizes...I see what I have always seen. Love. I see sorrow for what he has done to us. But I saw that love while he texted another--I saw that sorrow during the fight (when he admitted he lied to me on the cruise about his 2nd panic attack) when he couldn't tell me he wanted to make our marriage work. What was that sorrow then? That he WANTED to leave...or that he didn't know how to stop the affair or ...god knows what
He still can't answer the when. I feel like he should know whether he loved her while we celebrated our anniversary. Wouldn't you remember feeling like the biggest hypocrite and piece of shit celebrating our love while telling another woman you loved her? He's "pretty sure" it was still just friends then. I am pretty sure I'd like him to really figure it out. Does it matter now? He claims he was thinking of ways to re propose..possibly on our anniversary..wouldn't he know if he was loving another woman while planning this? He claims he even thought of doing it on the cruise....was that before he loved another woman or while he loved her? Why would he want to do that while with her? He claims he decided our 20th would be a better time...so he was planning on being here in 4 years while loving her? (Or was that BEFORE he loved her?) Does that mean anything? Does that mean he was just lying to her? Did he really never want to leave? Does he even know? Will he ever figure it out?
I want to believe him so badly. I guess I don't trust that he isn't lying to himself. He's making me believe that he believes it...I see the love, I feel the love...I feel the regret. But...is he lying to himself, thinking he's telling me the truth?
I can't make him love me. I can't make him be truthful--to me or himself. I can't make him do anything. I hope his therapist can. Or the self help books. Something.
When he apologizes he does it while trashing himself. I told him that's not what I want. I want to hear the sorry's and I want the truth...if that's what he's thinking then yes tell me...but I don't WANT him to feel that way. The path to our happiness is him learning to love himself (if it turns out to be a self esteem thing) Trash talking himself is not going to fix this. I try to get him to see the difference between what he DID and who he IS. He did something bad that doesn't mean he IS bad. I want the truth of him thinking that, if he is but I want him to see that it isn't healthy and work on finding a way to stop thinking that. He can stop thinking he is bad and still feel sorry about what he did.
I had our love story written. It was a story of fate bringing together two soulmates and them having a long, happy, perfect life together. Sure there were tiny obstacles to overcome together but it was never about questioning their love and loyalty to each other. My story didn't include ever loving anyone else. It was always just the two of us. It wasn't written in stone, it wasn't written anywhere other than my heart and head. The story has changed but that doesn't mean the ending can't be the same. I have to accept that it is unwritten. I can't predict the path to that happy ending. I can't will it to be. It will unfold slowly and I must be patient. The happy ending I want is worth the wait and although I can't control it or make it happen, it's ok to stick around and see if it will materialize. All I can do is have faith.
Did you catch the subtle references to songs? I wasn't even trying...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten" George Michael "Faith" What would life be like without songs? They pick us up, they let us cry with them and they make us dance when we need to forget it all.
Today I choose to dance. Life is short. This is hard, but my family has something much worse going on right now...an aunt just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, tumors throughout her whole body. I may hurt, but I will live. I choose to embrace life and with the start of a new month, I want to focus on living and loving and singing and dancing. I know I will have setbacks but today I choose optimism that the future will bring more smiles and less tears!
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