This is going to be a hard post to write.
I wanted to re-read my posts about what a great relationship I have, but I have done enough crying over the past 36 hours for a lifetime. So I can't.
I did re-read some drafts I wrote and I may post them so you can get a really good look inside of my head. But you will have to hunt them down because I won't link them to twitter or facebook.
My problem with trusting my instincts is that being an overthinker there is a lot of noise in my head. And it is hard to separate the fearful thoughts from the insecure ones and from the actual instincts.
28 years ago I was in a relationship where for 8 months I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me. He kept a picture of his ex in his wallet and it bothered me and I would confront him and he'd say he just forgot to take it out and months later it was still there and same denials. Then right around my 21st birthday I got a call from the other girlfriend. He was still seeing her. I was devastated. I couldn't figure out HOW he had time for her, it was at least an hour drive to where she lived and he was almost always with me. But my gut had told me and my gut was right. And my dumbass, being insecure stayed and even married him. It's not hard to see why it didn't last.
I left him for my current husband. If you have read my posts you know he is amazing.
There was one thing I was sure of ...he would NEVER cheat on me. He just wasn't that kind of guy.
Everyone I know thought we had the best relationship. They thought he adored me.
I thought this too.
He's hurt me many times over the past 21 years. And I have gotten past it.
Shortly after we were married he lost his job and his grandmother within the span of a week and he disappeared. The details are fuzzy because I am great at blocking out things too hurtful to remember. But basically this was before cell phones. It was Valentine's weekend, I don't remember what he said but he left. No timetable of when/if he'd be back. I freaked. I had to work the whole weekend and my coworkers got me through it. I teetered between changing the locks and just wanting him back so bad.
I was desperate and called his mom to see if had gone there, she was pissed at him too (she is the best mother in law in the world, if he fucks up she won't defend him). He ended up coming back after about 24 hours. He had stayed at his best friend's house. And we went on as if nothing happened.
Years lapsed, fairly happy years. I was still on prozac so I wasn't the best wife to be around, I spent so much time sleeping. But we weren't miserable. I was as happy as I could be.
Then we started planning our move, they were good years...lots of vacationing and trips to find out where would be best to "retire" to.
I may have blogged about what happened in 2013, but the short story is, shortly after arriving here in California I discovered an email that he had written just inches from me on the sofa. It was to a former coworker back East. It had a slightly inappropriate tone --along the lines of I wish we had met sooner, wish we got to know each other better, etc. But the important part was the secrecy and lies. Finding the email and then scouring his computer I found so many other lies...really fucking stupid things to lie about...like an email from his loser brother.
I didn't think he was capable of lying to me. I really thought he was the perfect man. The doubts of seed were sown. What was he capable of? I explained to him in explicit detail that plutonic relationship can go bad quickly. I explained why I talk about guys I work with he might tempt me, if it's out in the open it's harder to then keep secret. I thought he understood.
I gave him a really hard time, I was convinced this could have turned into an emotional affair. I warned him that was worse for me than just sex with a one night stand. (and now I am not so sure that is completely true...both would devastate me). He thought I was over reacting and the game of "you have never trusted me" started. I tried to explain the past haunts me and how insecure I am that lies don't help trust issues. He promised to never lie again. And once again...I believed.
Peri menopause has played a number on my brain. I get paranoid, angry and depressed for no reason. And I try to be aware of that.
So a few months ago, my instincts told me something was up. I didn't know what and I went through my routine of questioning him. He went through his of denial. Blaming my brain. Acting hurt that I didn't trust him. I had lapsed and gone on his computer looking for proof. His response was to make me feel guilty for having the thoughts and then acting on them. I tried to shut up my gut. You will see the posts of my head arguing with itself-they are very rough drafts and totally in the moment.
Then he quit his job...out of the blue...no job lined up. He is the main income and our health insurance. He did this 3 weeks before our first vacation in 4 years. Now I KNEW my gut was right...something was wrong. He finally admitted that he hasn't been "feeling right". I had noticed he was drinking more (only like a beer or two a night, couple times a week, some mixed drinks here and there, but he never drank that much)...he of course dismissed me as being a nag, but I KNEW something wasn't quite right. We talked, he convinced me it was just something in his head. But said many worrisome things, making me really question our future. He wasn't able to make me feel secure about what he wanted. This fueled my instincts. I grilled him about other women. The same hurt denials, the same I would never do that to you, I would leave first. And I swallowed it all and dealt with my guilt over my false accusations.
The cruise came, he had some panic attacks, I was so concerned for him. For us. I know my brain tells me to do some stupid shit but I have been dealing with it for years and know how to silence the crazy thoughts and not act on them (like running away). I voiced my concerns because he said his reason for quitting was just this overwhelming feeling that he HAD to do it. I was worried he'd get a feeling like that and need to leave. He couldn't tell me he wouldn't. I was scared most of the time.
I would joke with our friends about his girlfriend Rachel. He still denied anything inappropriate. I think I even lapsed and did another computer check, found he was on facebook page of a girl named Rachel. I went for a run, hyperventilated, sure this meant the end of our relationship. That gut feeling was too strong and I thought I had found proof. I blew up at him, I was sure he was cheating with the coworker or at least thinking about her, but it was a different Rachel. He acted hurt again, more guilt on my part for not trusting him.
After our trip he confessed he had had another panic attack on the ship and texted our pet sitter on international waters. He knew I'd see it on the bill. He had lied again. I know it was a stupid lie but with all my fears and my instincts still screaming I overreacted and we had a huge fight. He couldn't answer the question "Do you want to be with me?". I left for work not knowing if we had a future. I came home that night and he had magically reversed course and told me of course he wanted to be with me. I promised to work on my trust issues and not be a needy bitch.
And here we are today. Vegas happened...it affected me a lot. This past Thursday I had a meltdown in the middle of the night. He found me downstairs crying and talked me through my insecurities I told him I had this strong feeling we may not make it to our next anniversary. He acted like I was being ridiculous and that it was just my hormones. Everything was great, he said. He had no more doubts about us.
Saturday night, he's on the sofa inches from me, I see an email on his computer to a Rachel. Subject line Re: Smokey. I don't say anything, he hates when he thinks I am looking over his shoulder. I wait for him to tell me, He mentions he's texted her to have her text a guy who has a job lead. But no mention of the email. He tells me the guy won't text him back but he texts Rachel because they are both religious. I say "Why didn't you tell me she was religious, I know you'd never want to cheat with a religious nut" (that hurts so much now). Meanwhile he was texting her that night, next to me...professing his love.
We go to bed, I feel I MUST see that email. I wait for him to fall asleep and I sneak down to look at it. I have so much guilt for doing this but I HAVE to see it. It's completely innocent and I feel like a fool. I head back up to bed. I decide to write him an email with questions....asking why he's emailing her, doesn't he know my insecurities and how this would fuel them. The tone of my email is hurt and just wanting him to reassure me. I send it but then I get this need to see his phone....that fucking gut instinct....and I know he won't have kept anything incriminating but I HAVE to see it.
And there it is ...in green and white....the proof....the words are a blur, but there's hun's and love and baby's...what am I looking at?? Is this real life? How can he explain this?
I storm upstairs, I don't know why I didn't actually read any texts at this point...the words I saw were enough...and so 12:30 Sunday night my world blew up. He was fucking cheating on me.
It all came out. He claimed he wants to be with me. The usual...it just happened....the I don't know why's. So many questions ....so few answers.....so much screaming and crying....
He supposedly only kissed her. I believe this..not because he doesn't lie, but because of how our relationship started, he's really weird about having sex with just anyone.
He's met up with her several times, bringing HER food to work..buying fast food for HER while I pack lunches. Meeting her while I work. Meeting her while I went to Magic Mountain...I went without him because he hates it....trying to do something nice for him and he goes to her....
I tried to explain to him that my words may have said I don't trust him but my actions ALWAYS showed otherwise. He went on many weekend trips with his guy friends, I was always ok with it. Recently I encouraged him to go out with a coworker from his first job here...he's married to a stripper , God knows what bar they would go to, but I was ok with it...Would I go to Magic Mountain leaving him home alone, if I really believed he was cheating...
I know this isn't about me...and yet I still want to blame myself...I still hate myself so much. I hate myself for believing him over my gut...I should have trusted ME and not him.
I don't know what kind of person can let someone pour their heart out abut their insecurities, remind him that I ignored my instincts before and sit there and tell me my instincts are shit, make me feel guilty for doubting him, use them to suggest that we shouldn't be together because HE can't live with my false accusations....ALL THE FUCKING TIME MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT AND MY ACCUSATIONS NOT FALSE!!! How does someone who loves you do that?
There were weeks worth of texts on the phone. He didn't want me to read them, which only made me need to read them more. It hurt...they were rough...there was sexting...and there weren't any words that made it sound like he wanted to end it with her...every insecurity I had was written in his text. He was staying for fear of how I would react. He literally wished I would find someone else so he could be with her. He loved her more than me. No I didn't think that ..HE WROTE THAT.
He claims they are just words...he didn't mean any of it. He was never going to leave me.
Every thing out of his mouth are words,..words that mean nothing. Only actions matter now.
He has agreed to couples therapy and single sessions for himself.
Are you wondering HOW,WHY are you giving him another chance?? Yeah, me too.
I told him I feel like a battered wife who just keeps going back for more.
He keeps telling me he doesn't want to hurt me, while hurting me.
I don't know if I am doing the right thing. But I am trying to trust my gut.
My gut tells me this is the man I will be with in my 80's. My gut tells me the love I feel for him and from him is real.
My gut also tells me he needs to comfort her. It's who he is. He says he doesn't. He says he won't.
My gut is silent about that....
I want to believe him. I want to believe in us so bad.
I know this is about him. He has his own issues about his self worth. I want to believe if he gets therapy that he will be "fixed" like I was and we can go back to the wonderful relationship I bragged about in previous posts.
I don't know what the future holds for me or for us. I do know I will survive. I am stronger than I think. I am hoping my instinct is right once again and that we will have a happy ever after.
I guess I will have a better idea after our first session on Thursday.
I keep fluctuating between feeling like a desperate weak woman clinging to a man for wanting to just go back to how it was before...to thinking he doesn't deserve me...to blaming myself...to hating him...to hating me....
The one positive is.....those 8 pounds I have put on in the past 2 years are flying off...
and I have also learned that even in my darkest despair I can see the reality....there are people having way worse days than me, lying in the hospital shot up for doing nothing more than attending a concert at the wrong time...I have never been one to be able do that. I have changed, thanks to therapy and if I am being completely honest, this man, this imperfect man, he has made me stronger...only to try to tear me down. I know it wasn't deliberate or I couldn't stay, I wouldn't stay.
He's not as perfect as I thought. I told him if someone had come to me and said "One of these statements is true, which is it: Dave is gay or Dave will cheat on you" I wouldn't have hesitated ...not because I think he's gay but because I was THAT sure he would never cheat on me.
A little more about the texts.
He gave her a shirt of his to cuddle with...are they teenagers? What kind of insanity is this?
They sent each other songs back and forth...the new version of mix tapes?
He wrote her poetry. He got "rock hard". He called her "babe"...I don't know why that just sounds so stupid coming from someone nearly 50. I told him it sounded like he needed "butterflies in the stomach"...willing to throw it all away for some teenage phone fling....IS THIS REAL LIFE??
I don't know if we can survive this...like I said before....I hope my instincts are right again and that we will and I promise to always trust THEM above all else.
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