Tired of reading?
I am tired of writing.
I am tired of waking up before the sun.
I am tired of the hurt and doubt.
I am tired.
Blame this one on the cat. She loves to vomit around 5 am.
I stayed in bed til 6:30 and then gave up.
I guess this is why I know it's smart to not work more hours. I need the days off so I can at least nap.
My naps still ridiculously short.
The overthinking. That's what is killing me.
Think. Think. Think....so tired of thinking.
I claim I am impatient. It's been 2 1/2 weeks...of course I am not going to get a why any time soon.
Of course, I should still not trust. Of course, it should still hurt.
I hate uncertainty..I may have mentioned that a dozen times or so. If I had a timeframe it would help.
That marathon training would come in handy. I'd know if I was half way there...a quarter way....I'd be able to give my brain something to shoot for...the next marker, so to speak. "If you make it another week, you will only have X weeks to go". But I have nothing. No guarantee that there will be an end and even worse no guarantee that if there is an end there will be relief. It could just lead to more pain, new pain...re-opening whatever part of the wound has healed.
He says he's sure we will make it through. Sure the why won't lead to our end. Sure he wants to be here and that his love for me is the right kind of love. I don't doubt his love. I wrote about it before...he "loves" everyone. His confidence doesn't sound as strong as I think he thinks it does. Any sign of weakness on his part screams at me to run. He has to be more than sure. And the intelligent part of me knows this is impossible...Death and taxes the only sure things in life.
He didn't like hearing that yesterday (and the day before) my mornings were filled with 0% confidence this was going to work. He insisted it had to be more than 0 or why was I still here? I suppose he's right...it had to be more than 0. But it feels like 0.
I re-read the poem I wrote and want to feel that sure again. But my mind just keeps rehashing every single moment of our 21 years...questioning where he was in his mind during those happy memories. Were they real? Were there other emotional affairs that I will never know about? He claims it was all real and there weren't. He is a liar. He has been a liar probably as long as I have known him. He still can't accept that. He says he does but he qualifies it. I point out how far back the lies go and he tries to be dismissive. Still in denial of who he is. Wondering why I question if I really do know him.
There is no reason to be honest about the past, I have no way of discovering if he was lying. Proof of past indiscretions long gone, if there were any. He lies to protect me (in reality, himself)...why would he tell the truth now? It would hurt me (him). And he knows there is no way I could ever catch him in these lies. "If you really feel that way, why are you here?" frustration and impatience in his voice...
How can HE feel frustrated? How can HE be impatient? HE DID THIS!
I try to make comparisons to what my ex did. Waiting for him to reach that point when it's no longer his fault for doing this..but mine for not "letting it go". That's not fair. That doesn't help us.
I can pretend this is the same. It is not. When I found out about my ex cheating, I remember my first thoughts...almost 30 damn years and I remember EXACTLY how I felt. "I will do ANYTHING to not lose him" Immediately I felt that way. Not out of love. Out of desperation. Back then, all I knew was that I wanted to get married. And he was the only way to make that happen. I was ugly. I had no positive thoughts about myself. I was smart. Smart women don't attract men. He was my only chance...not at happiness...but at marriage. I really didn't care about anything but not ending up a "spinster". Pitiful.
It is different this time. My thoughts were scrambled when I read those texts. I ran upstairs...heart racing, skin tingling with fear, anxiety....and I wanted him to tell me I read them wrong. I don't know how I thought he would explain it, but all I wanted to hear was that I was wrong.
I wanted him gone. I threw him out so many times. But I gave him no way to leave. I wouldn't give his phone back, told him he couldn't have a car. Told him to leave the credit card and bank card. And just walk. Hours later I regretted all of that. Because now I thought he stayed because...how was he to leave? On foot..at 1 in the morning? Where was he to go? I told him I was wrong. And told him to go again. He's still here. Did I wonder this past Monday when he hadn't texted me at 11:30...an hour after his session started..if he wasn't coming back? Yes....I did. It was momentary...the real definition, not his definition.
He tried to use the words "momentary lapse" last night to describe this affair---I went on a little tirade about that. Ok...maybe a long one and not so much a tirade as a story...My anger level didn't reach rage proportions as it has. I explained "momentary" means lasting less than a minute. I described how he picked that phone up time and time again to text her inappropriate things...sometimes sitting right next to me. Sometimes walking in an Alaskan town, surrounded by friends and family. And time and time again made the CHOICE to do the wrong thing. The CHOICE to hurt me. I described him standing at the garage door, waving good bye to me, while thinking about how soon he could get to her. Actively going upstairs, showering..knowing it was for her...to see her...picking out clothes to get dressed to go see her...taking one of his shirts to give her...putting his key in the ignition and backing out of OUR driveway to see HER, putting his tongue in her mouth...All of these actions requiring conscious thought. Each a moment for him to realize he could stop this. Each choice knowing it was hurting me, hurting us. This was not A momentary lapse....this was THREE months of actively, consciously choosing to hurt me. Don't tell me it was a momen fucking tary lapse....PLEASE.
And this is when I wonder...can I really get past this? Not when he tries to minimize it. No. No. I will not allow it. My ex did that. Not this time, motherfucker. I will not allow it.
I think I can get past it if the why is legit. If the why comes soon enough. And if I ever think he actually GETS what he did. He destroyed it all. All of our memories. How can I think anything was real, when this last vacation seemed no different than every other good one we had?
He suggested we forget it all and just start making new memories, if that's what I need to do.
That's part of the problem. I want our past to stay the happy past I thought it was. I am afraid if we move on and he does this again...I will hate him. I will lose all of it. All of the good times. Half of my life will have been a total waste and total lie. A full fledged regret. No child to stop me from saying "This was a complete mistake". With my ex, I can't say that...I have to qualify it with "Well I wouldn't have had this amazing kid"...with Dave...there will be nothing....just wasted time on a man I never knew. A complete fraud. I can't bear for it to come to that.
That thinking is useless. Is that why I am avoiding going to therapy? I don't want someone telling me not to think like that. Telling me it is harmful. I already know that. So why am I doing it? Why do so many questions end in "why's" with no answers? Can't one damn why have an answer?
He is still sleeping. That still makes me crazy. Not so much that he CAN sleep, but that he claims he isn't sleeping...Bitch, you are sleeping WAY more than I am. Stop lying to yourself. You may not be sleeping well, but you weren't when you were cheating and guess what THAT was another chance to say "Hey, why am I doing this, not just to her, but to me?" "How is this helping me? It is hurting me"
I cling to that. That the pain he put himself through did not outweigh those pleasures. I think there's something in there. There has to be. Like a person who cuts themselves. Why do they do that? It hurts. It scars. Where is the pleasure? Were stolen kisses and gushy words worth the weight loss, the sleepless nights? Why did he want to hurt himself? He had the power to stop..even if it meant leaving me...why not make it stop?
Why don't I make this pain stop? I think if someone told me, promised me, swore on everything....that I would have NO MORE PAIN...not one more second if I left right now. I would do it. But, the reality is I will still be in pain. And I will lose this man I love with ALL...every single fucking ounce...of my heart. And that is where the real difference is between now and my ex. Love.
I am a different person. I know men find me attractive. I know I am funny. I love my quirks. I know I can give love and affection. I know I am strong. I am way more confident.
This isn't about desperation. I want to be with him. I want him to be the man I have always thought he was. Just more flawed than I realized. I want this to be explainable and "cureable".
I also want the pain to end.
I don't want to put a timetable on it.
But I still yearn for something to strive for. A timetable would give me that. I don't want it to take so long that I forget that I need a why. I don't want life to go back to what it was, to only be repeated again. Even if he stays in therapy, if there's no why....it can happen again. He could lie to his therapist. But what's a reasonable time? 3 months too short? 6 months too long? I know...one day at a time. God, that's hard.
I am so glad he has another session Thursday. To have missed all of next week would have killed me.
Prolonging the agony. Each session, whether true or not, seems closer to a why. It has to be closer...it certainly isn't further.
I am trying not to test him. I know I would if I thought of a way to do it. I want there to be a something out there that he knows and see if he keeps it from me to protect me. I feel like he has already done that with a text he received from his sister. She doesn't think our personal business should be out there for everyone to see...this blog, I assume is what she is talking about. He didn't bother mentioning that bit from her text, but mentioned everything else. Keeping it from me? Thought he told me? Didn't think it was important? Or thought it would "hurt" me? Which is it?
As for his sister...as with any and all Trump supporters...her judgement is obviously horrible and her opinion means less than nothing. This blog is my control. It's my grip on sanity. It is mine to do with as I want. And no one can take that away from me. I will write it as long as I need it....even if one day I look and see that not a single person is still reading it. I will write...because although sometimes it doesn't seem to help me...the reality is, it does. And it's so much cheaper than therapy!! :P
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