Oversharing

Why do I bare my heart and soul?

There isn't just one reason. And I haven't given much thought to which ones are first, second, etc. So I will just list them as I think of them.

** I value honesty in others more than any other trait. So I think others deserve my honesty, too. You may say "well you aren't lying if you just keep it to yourself, we aren't asking for all of this information." But omission of the truth is a lie to me. I don't know at what point honesty became such an issue for me. I think a lot of people just accept that we all lie, "does this dress look nice? am I fat? how's your day going?" No one wants real answers. Real answers are harder. We like these lies and we accept them as a normal part of life. But that makes real lies easier. You are thinking "of course she lies, she would never tell someone they are fat, she probably says her day is good when it's not" And you are somewhat right. I wouldn't tell someone they are fat...but I do avoid answering. Depending on how it was asked, I either make a comment about things they can do to feel better about their weight or I deflect if they are making it about mine by saying how hard I work to look this way. As for the How are you? I often so "Ok" I know people probably want to hear "Good" or "great" but when I don't feel good I don't lie.

** Lies don't help people.
Maybe you can think of instances when lies help. But I would probably be able to argue that they only temporarily fixed the problem, only worsening it for when the truth comes out. And the truth almost always comes out.

** I imagine a world full of truth. I know it's a dream equivalent to a world at peace. These are my what if's:

What if by all of us being honest, we could see how we truly aren't alone? That others, many others, have the same doubts and fears we do. Wouldn't that make us all feel safer, less afraid, more connected?
What if our honesty prevented suicides? People sharing their fears that people don't like them, that no one cares and finding out the opposite....my sharing has already paid off in countless numbers of people reaching out to me, taking away some of my insecurities at my most vulnerable time. I haven't thought of hurting myself, but I know myself, if I hadn't shared and continued to believe I was alone that pit of depression would have come for me. I would be swallowed up and the thoughts would come, as they sometimes do in my darkest hours. What if we ALL shared our hurts and pains, how much of a ripple effect through our friends lists would it have? I only keep about 100-120 friends on facebook, I like more connected relationships, than just random strangers to have a bigger friends list. But I still like to think that of those 100 people, maybe one of them is going through a divorce or a breakup or an affair that may benefit from my perspective. Maybe there's a lonely spouse that sees that speaking up to their partner is the answer NOT reaching out to someone else. Maybe if it's been a pattern for them, they see it is THEM and they see therapy as an option because it isn't just something crazy people do.

Aren't these nice what if's?

I know it's never going to happen. We are taught that you don't share your dirty laundry. But why?
Has anyone ever wondered why?? Is it to protect ourselves or to protect the reader/listener? Why are we to feel shame for things that happen to us or for being honest about these things? Why should I be embarrassed that my husband cheated? Does it make ME less of a person? It seems more people are judging him than me? But is that even fair? Should he have cheated? NO Am I in any way to blame for his ACTION? NO...but did I precipitate the NEED for that action? Maybe. Therapy will help with that. But why can't I talk about it with people I love and trust (and a few virtual friends or people who maybe aren't the text book definition of friend but more just an acquaintance)? Why does the secrecy have to continue?

** Is that another reason? I need to feel in control and me sharing is a big fuck you to the world that tells me this isn't what people do with their "dirty laundry". We are supposed to create and maintain the illusions of a perfect life. And people have tried to make fb all about that. Or make it meaningless--just pics of food and cat videos. The election of the fucktard in chief has changed that for many, creating a platform many use for change to the injustices we now see more regularly. To voice our outrage about whatever our particular niche is. Injustices towards immigrants, Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, refugees...the list goes on and on. Maybe it's healthcare that gets your feathers ruffled or tax reform or the threat the moron is to our national security. Many now use it to express their anger and outrage about the big picture but still we must project that as individuals we are great, our lives are perfect. Why? Why can't we share the truth? This isn't rhetorical, if anyone has insight I would love to know. Your comments won't appear publicly unless I publish them, so feel free to contact me and just let me know if you want your opinion to be private. Tell me why I should have kept silent and lived with this pain alone or with just a few select people I trust.
I have told the people I work with, some seemed a little taken back by my openness. Why should I go to work, an obvious zombie, try as I may to act the part society requests of me and NOT let them know? Obviously I am not sharing with customers and I do my best to ACT the part for them. But when I am dying inside in the breakroom and it is obvious the dying is visible, why can't I be honest? Why is honesty bad?

I think back to when one of my former coworkers killed himself, a young kid, maybe 23. I have blogged about him. I knew he had issues. I watched him punch walls and be mad at himself for misreading the schedule AGAIN and berating himself for risking his job. I didn't tell him, "Hey, you are a good person, don't be so hard on yourself" I didn't tell him that I have had anger issues and depression issues. I didn't offer him help. Because we aren't supposed to share with people we don't know. What if...what if....I had let him know I was a "crazy' person at his age and that I turned out Ok (yes this is open for debate---but after this week...I think I am bit more confident, sane and capable than I ever knew)....what if? I don't want what if's to haunt me anymore. If it means some people look at me and think "What the fuck is wrong with her, why is she telling me this?" but someone else thinks "Hey, this person that I thought had it all, she's kinda like me. She has doubts, she's not as sure as  she seems, her life isn't perfect and she can still be happy" and that makes a difference in how they deal with a tough time in their life, well isn't that worth it?

Because guess what? My life is in a huge upheaval and I am not feeling depressed. I am smart enough to know that I am all over the place right now and depression could still be an emotion that I get to. But I feel better today than one week ago (before I knew) when I had a meltdown in the middle of the night. I blamed that on the Vegas massacre, it couldn't have been knowing what was coming, I don't have ESP. But it was a meltdown and I told him I didn't think we were going to make it to our next anniversary. He, of course, was full of lies and said enough to make me ok, not enough to make me not check his phone 3 days later but enough to get me through the night. I feel better today...with all that has happened I feel more hopeful, optimistic (read my blog about how shocked I am to ever have an optimistic thought).

What has gotten me through is knowing that I was right. My GUT was right. I was wrong to doubt my gut over him. He didn't deserve to be believed more than my self. I am mad at myself for believing in him more than me. Then I thought he was more trustworthy than even myself. I now know better. No one will ever love me, like I love me and no one will ever take better care of me than me. TRUST MY SELF. and yes I keep switching between myself and my self on purpose.

So, if you are a facebook friend and you consider this drama you don't want to see, or need to see or shouldn't have to see. As with my Trump supporting friends, I beg of you...unfollow me, unfriend me...I don't care. I understand some people would rather live in a fantasy world where they aren't subjected to ugly truths, they'd rather believe their friend's lives are all vacations and memes and food porn (and I am not singling anyone out here!!) You do facebook your way and let me do mine my way...because if you thought I was too open and honest before? You ain't seen shit...I will be sharing this journey. Yes, mostly I will do it through my blog, if only because I fucking talk/think a lot. I ramble..check the title, it's right there....I am not a woman of few words. I have a lot to say. And I will be using this venue to do it and I would love your feedback. Your HONEST feedback. Tell me you think it's crazy, tell me you understand but it's not the way you would/could do it. Tell me whatever you want or don't tell me anything. I am here for me. And I am here for whoever needs me.

I have tried to keep anything sexual out of my blog, even though I think we also make this a taboo subject unnecessarily. I will continue to keep it out, not out of secrecy but because I respect that it makes people uncomfortable. So don't think I can not or will not be completely transparent and if you have a private issue that you think knowing how I am dealing with any sexual related things will hep you, again contact me. I will be as honest as you want me to be.

Thank you for reading and thank you for being here for me.