DJT is proof of a higher power

 What?? How can that be possible?

Over the past few years my spiritual beliefs have been getting stronger and stronger. Every now and then I get epiphanies that I feel confirm my beliefs. I am not here to try to persuade anyone. My hope is that you have something to believe in because I think we should all take the time to look inward and figure out what we believe as far as how we fit into this universe. I am going to try to not be too wordy but to express my beliefs and how I think they fit into my claim in the title.

I don't believe in life and death. What?? I believe in "energy", "souls" --whatever you want to call it. I believe this energy has been and will always be. I believe our bodies contain that energy for whatever period of time we exist here on earth. Some things I haven't cemented into my beliefs are-- I want to believe that this energy is always "good". Clearly you see why that is a tough one. There are so many humans who make this a tough argument to make. And I have had some theories like that we (words and pronouns can get really confusing try to bear with me) we, as in our human forms, are comprised of this loving, good energy (kind of goes along with what many religions say as far as god is in us all, etc) but we also have the "ego" or the "personality" that makes us us. I think some of us bury that energy so deep that the good is impossible to see. We let the ego own us. We become just the ego. It's kind of like the images you've seen of a good angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, only I believe that devil is our ego, our human identity. The good angel is that loving energy. So someone like DJT has such a narcissistic identity that you'd be hard pressed to ever find that loving energy but I do believe it is there. 

I think our energies have all the knowledge of the universe but it doesn't want us to have access to it in our human form. I think there are people that have accessed it. I have read a bunch of books on Near Death Experiences and this is where a lot of my beliefs have come from. Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander isn't a book about heaven at all, it's not even a religious book. It's one man's account of how he came close to death and it changed his entire belief system. He's a neurosurgeon. He thoroughly details how the things he experienced can't be explained by science or the medical community. I am currently reading another book he wrote called Living in a Mindful Universe. It's years out from his NDE and he has done fascinating research talking with others like him. I think even the biggest skeptic could be convinced that we don't die when our bodies die. He discusses consciousness in some very interesting ways. He thinks of the brain as a sort of filter that only allows us to experience a certain level of consciousness of our energy form. But that sometimes that filter is damaged during a NDE and once you have the knowledge you retain it. 

Of course many say we want to believe these things to make ourselves feel better about death and that's most definitely a benefit to believing. But I have spent the years since my mom's death learning to accept death and that we all die. and trying to use that knowledge to better whatever remaining time I have left. That's the stoics whole Memento Mori in a nutshell. Think about your death so you can remember to live better. I haven't been afraid to die and interestingly enough haven't had suicidal thoughts since my mom's death. Reading about NDE's has absolutely made it easier to not fear dying. The accounts of the "after" life sound incredible and this is across different cultures.. accounts are very similar no matter what your background is, or how old or young you are. That said... I also LOVE life. Not something I have always been able to say and even now in these so called unprecedented times I am still very glad to be here and don't really want to check out the most assuredly better life after this human form one. I have found a peace that doesn't budge much anymore. Even with the crazy shit we are dealing with nationally or with the sucky ass flu I have had for the past 2 weeks. I am content. Truly content. Which I assure you is so much better than happy, which can be fleeting. I accept things as they are and even believe they are as they should be. That there is a purpose for most of what we are dealt in our human life form. I know a lot of people don't want to hear that. They think things like cancer or Renee Good's death are horrible and that trying to see a reason is justifying it. They aren't the same thing. I can see a purpose without necessarily liking it. It reminds of the story of the farmer--let me see if I can find it to link to it. This is the story that pretty much precipitated this post, despite the fact that I read it quite a while ago, it just popped in my head as an epiphany that led to the title of my blog.  https://mindfulness.com/mindful-living/are-these-bad-times-or-good-times-the-story-of-the-zen-farmer

I keep talking to the universe (or God if that's your thing) and I start out saying I want this all to stop. The "all" being the destruction that DJT is reaping not just here but in the world. But as I "pray" I remember that it isn't for me to decide what is good or bad for the world. And I have been doing this for months each time forgetting that I can't be praying for him to be gone-either impeached or finally dying. It isn't up to me and that I should have faith that what is best is what will be. (I feel like I sound so woo woo when I talk like this!) So I end up starting by pleading for an end to this turmoil so I can be truly at peace, not just in my personal day to day life and I end up realizing that it sounds like I am not trusting the process (or the universe). FINALLY this week I found a way to shut myself up... I remembered the Chinese farmer story. I can NOT know if DJT being POTUS is a good or bad thing so how can I pray for his presidency to end already-maybe we NEED it to continue?

Did I lose you? Of course his presidency is bad what the hell could I be thinking? Yes it certainly SEEMS bad now. But what if I look at it like that farmer and shrug and say is it? What possible ways might it be good? 

Well clearly his first presidency wasn't enough to make many of us see who he was and what his intentions were. So we kinda needed him to get reelected, otherwise all that bullshit the first time would have been for nothing. At a year in he still has more support than makes any kind of sense, which validates my argument that he is still needed and that the universe sees that. He has changed many minds with his blatant corruption, greed, power grabs and general stupidity but still many MAGA cling to him. We can't have real change in this country until that number dwindles more. It will never be zero, hell it probably won't go below 25%. But when enough people have had enough we may finally get a country to be proud of. 

And I might add this isn't an attack just on the GOP, I believe that we needed to see how horribly the Democrats would respond so that we could demand better from them and demand better candidate. Mamdani is the good that came as a direct result of DJT. We could not have elected him if not for DJT and the Democrats shitty response to his attacks on our Constitution.  

Only a higher power could see what we needed to get to a better place not just in our country but also the world. So how does DJT prove this higher power exists?

Have you seen the man? His weight? His diet? His past drug use? His cankles? His hands? His clearly deteriorating mental health? He should be dead. I can't think of why someone like my 66 year old friend who was in much better physical condition is dead and this thing isn't. There are so many examples of people who should be alive and aren't while he continues somehow living despite his best attempts to kill himself with diet, no exercise and horrible sleep hygiene. Clearly he has a purpose that he has not served yet. I believe that purpose is to Make America Great...he just has no idea of what his role actually is. It is to open our minds and to focus our energies (not the inner kind) on taking our country back from the rich. WE THE PEOPLE are the answer, we were 250 years ago and we are today. Once we get to that magic 3.5% I think the universe will finally put that raging, whining bag of baby shit out of our collective miseries. 

And someday, my hope..no my belief is that we will look back and realize he was good for our country because if he hadn't come along when he did we may have ended up with someone younger, smarter and with actual charisma and they would have had years to accomplish what he couldn't. Remember Hitler didn't succeed the first time, if he had been old and decrepit like DJT he would have never gotten the second chance he needed.

DJT was the perfect man for the universe to bestow upon us. His long history of failure was exactly what we needed. The universe knew he wouldn't succeed and it gave us the foreshadowing so if we could just zoom out, we could see that he was a good thing, the perfect answer to changing the hearts of our nation...and the world...exposing the rich and greedy by making the dumbest, least successful one the leader of the free world. 

So I trust that when his job is done so will he be. And a generation will be safe against a threat like him because unfortunately people don't learn from history and it will repeat itself unless the universe steps in and gives a gentle vision into what our future would be if we kept standing idly by and not stopping the wannabe king.

Douchebags gonna douche

 I met someone this weekend (not for the first time but my first impression wasn't off, I can say that) who reminded me of what it's like to be in your 30's. Granted I am not the best at remembering the past accurately (and to be fair, from what I read, none of us are (see how I am learning to be kinder to myself!)). Anyway.... I do remember thinking I knew a lot more than I thought I did. I remember advice from my elders being taken with a shrug and a "Whatever old person, you don't know it all, I don't need your help". I had been in therapy for a few years and thought I had ample tools and knowledge to get by. I didn't by any means think I had all the answers and I am definitely wise enough now to know I never will, I'm hanging on to the hope that as many Near Death experiencers have reported that when we die..we will finally have all the answers, without even needing to ask a question. We just "know".

So back to this person...I'm going to try to keep my account genderless to protect...nah I don't think it works if I don't tell the whole story which does require gender in this case.... 

So it starts with hearing that this guy left his 6 year old in the car while he ran into a Home Depot  because the kid threw a fit and didn't want to go in- some supposed extenuating circumstances were used to defend the kid's behavior but does it really matter? He's six. 

I suppose I should mention that because of my first impression of this guy, I am probably...most likely.... definitely... lol... a little biased against him going into this story. He's a wealthy, very attractive white guy. And while some people find him charming, I see through the charm and feel arrogance, entitlement and yes privilege (why do I always want to put a d in that word??). So, yeah... you could say I'm not a fan. I am trying really hard to be stoic about him but I just find him unlikeable. 

Back to the story. So when confronted with the fact that all of us agree with his wife that the kid most definitely should not, in any way, for any reason, been left in the car  (though she seems to think a quick trip into a convenience store would have been ok --gotta disagree there too! Geez!)...anyway... he says, as if this makes it ok... "I left the windows down a little and gave him the keys" WTF?? How is that better???

He demands to know why we think it's a problem and what we think could happen... as his wife already pointed out, there's the hold kidnapping thing... but he dismisses that without even acknowledging it. He seems to think that because he TOLD the kid to stay put and not get in the front seat, all would be well. Now you don't know his kids, but I've had some experience with them---they don't exactly follow the rules, in fact there's been issues with relatives correcting them when they were acting out and it not being their place to do so...or as all parents know it as "being a kid". I point out that it's not legal and again he's very dismissive. I want so much to scream "Your white privilege is showing but bite my tongue". Letting it go seems the wiser choice since I rarely see this twat. But, as we all know, white men can never let shit go.

A bit later with the child in question in front of him, he brings it up again and asks the kid if HE felt like it was irresponsible for him to leave him in the car alone....WTF again. The fact that he is even seriously asking a SIX year old this is insane to me... and maybe I am the asshole here...should I post it on redditt and see? It's enough that everything feels surreal in this country right now but now I feel like I am in an alternate reality with parenting? How is this even a discussion? He feels the need to again mention leaving the keys with him (which again is NOT the flex he thinks it is) and has to name drop that it's a Tesla. Which in my mind make it worse... I wouldn't leave anything I didn't want catching on fire in a Tesla unattended (ok maybe I am just being an asshole on this point, but Musk has done a lot of covering up the lawsuits against Tesla). At this point I finally make a white privilege comment. Because the reality is if his skin was a different color there would be many different potential outcomes here... especially in a  Home Depot parking lot in 2025 America. 

Anyway the point of my post is this guy thinks he has ALL the answers and what he doesn't realize (and I also never realized) is he isn't even asking the right questions! The difference is... I don't see him EVER realizing it. He'll just keep living in his privileged little bubble, being an obnoxious douche, buying his way out of whatever bad situations he does end up in..or his sons end up in... I just kept thinking of Brock Turner with this guy. Do I think he ever raped anyone? Honestly I couldn't say... do I think he'd believe he didn't even if he did...absolutely and I also know he'd never face consequences. I also know he will cover for his kids should they ever do wrong and how will they know right from wrong with him as a parent? After this conversation I heard him tell this kid ( a SIX year old) that the lesson here was to lie. But..get this... never tell the lie the first time to the person you are lying to. Make sure you perfect it first to sell it better. So if you have ever thought you are a horrible parent... remember this guy giving THIS advice to a SIX year old... what a fucking douche bag.

And that's the America we live in. I'd say most people at this party admire him, consider him successful and fall for his charisma. Not me... I define success by different metrics and he doesn't even come close to measuring up to my idea of success. 
I'll end with being stoic. It's not my job to judge his life, I am just so grateful that I am NOT him and I really feel bad for that kid.

 PS: I forgot this: When asked if he would do it again--Mr.Obnoxious replied "It's very rare that run errands and certainly never with just one kid" And it was said in a very "That's beneath me" way. Again...thank God I am not him!

First they came for

 I'm not really in the mood to blog....the reason is a whole other blog (it's a good one, like I don't feel the need to dwell on stuff anymore, I am truly living in the moment...finally.. I'd like to blog about why I think I am finally able to do this... but I am too busy living in the now! lol I will try to find time soon... it's kind of interesting and still an experiment in progress, but it's been weeks of contentment and I love it!)

 

Ok... back to why I am here today. Alligator Alcatraz. I mean just the name tells you all you need to know. And, frankly, if you are someone who has seen photos of this "camp" and your instant reaction isn't WTF is happening in America... I really don't want anything to do with you. 

Just on the face of it it should be obvious how inhumane this is. And that SHOULD be enough to condemn it. Condemn everything that got us here. I get that people like to fall back on the "First they came for me.." spiel, but honestly... do we need to be reminded of the past to find THIS abhorrent? Do we need to care whether we could ever end up in place like this to understand the huge problem with accepting this as something the US should be doing?

I don't care if you are next on the list or last on the list or will never be on the list of people they come after once they have rounded up all the "illegal" immigrants. The list shouldn't matter. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE should be treated the way ICE (and our government) is treating people right now. 

Here's the thing, let's pretend they are getting violent criminals off the street (the facts show otherwise but let's just pretend for a moment)... without DUE PROCESS we have no idea IF they are violent criminals, that's how it works here in the US... well that's how our CONSTITUTION was written. So for all the MAGA that think we should just leave if we don't like it... how about YOU leave, you clearly don't like our system. Go ahead, get on a plane and go to a country that doesn't care if you are guilty but will lock you up in inhumane conditions anyway. That's not us, that's not how any decent HUMAN should think, let alone a patriotic American. 

Let's pretend some more. Let's pretend they are just abducting (that's what it is) the most vile criminals and that they are guilty and let's pretend that they were given due process and found guilty. I will still argue that our Constitution has a problem with putting them in cages surrounded by alligators. Again, if you don't like that that is not how we do things.. grab yourself a plane ticket and get the fuck out. You are no better than the criminals you want to see treated this way. Good people don't want to see bad people treated this way. They are dying in the detention centers we have now and this place is going to be so much worse. Our Constitution doesn't allow us to kill people this way. I oppose the death penalty ( I didn't always and that's certainly another lengthy blog that will probably never be written) and hate that there are legal ways for us to dispose of our unwanted members of society by killing them, but there are procedures to do that, rules that must be followed... alligators and dying from lack of medical attention isn't allowed.

You shouldn't need to know that they aren't just detaining criminals, or that it's not just "illegals" it should bother you simply because of the HOW not the why or who. It shouldn't matter that once this detention system is built..an expensive, for profit system.. that they will need to keep filling these places. There is no end. Eventually people will stop coming to America, legally or illegally and then who will they go after. Oh ..not you.. right? They are already coming after people who have legal status, birthright citizenship and they are talking about going after Americans who were born TO Americans but on foreign soil...as in our military families. You ok with that? You still safe? You should take a deep look into your soul if you still don't care because it won't affect you....not because you are probably wrong, yes, even if you are MAGA, one day they will find a reason to come after you, but if you have to wait until it's obvious they are coming... you aren't really any better than the people doing the detaining. It should matter RIGHT NOW. 

Here's the other thing, let's say you are in a group that they will never come after.. that's the REAL ICE...what about the imposters who are popping up.. you think you are safe from them? They are already robbing people...it won't be long til they are raping and killing too. And they will definitely not care who you are. It SHOULD bother you that we are letting masked people that don't need to identify themselves kidnap people in our country... legal or illegal... because now the real law enforcement has no idea who is a government authorized kidnapper and who is a criminal. But, again.. if this is why you are suddenly concerned... you need to look at yourself in the mirror and realize you aren't much better than the monsters "just doing their jobs". 

We've seen it before, we've wondered how it could have happened... and now we are watching it...and are we really going to wait for the mass murder to start before we stop it? Does it really have to play all the way out again? 

I just read a snippet in a book (Mark Manson "Everything is Fucked :A Book About Hope) about  Witold Pilecki. He infiltrated Auschwitz and was there quite a while (2 1/2 years!). When he started witnessing them killing Jewish people, he reported back to his contacts in the Polish government. They thought he was exaggerating, the things he reported were too horrific to be true. This is happening now. We are reading first hand accounts of people being detained in these places and we are what..numb to them?...don't believe them?...we certainly can't believe that a Canadian actress(https://www.npr.org/2025/04/02/nx-s1-5341465/jasmine-mooney-canadian-actress-ice-detention) is lying! The regime ( I refuse to call it an administration anymore) is now trying to stop unannounced visits to these places...how can we not see that for what it is? If the conditions aren't bad, why not allow the visits? 

I am horrified that our country has come to this. We all knew electing this felon would be bad for our country, we compared him to Hitler, and yes it seemed overly dramatic at the time... at what point do we make sure he won't go down in history as the next Hitler? How many more must die? (I've lost count how many have died now, it's in the teens)  Did speaking up too soon make us appear like we were crying wolf and no one is listening now?

 

And you might read this and think... she doesn't sound content. Well I have learned that stoicism doesn't mean not having any feelings well not being Stoic, with a capital S doesn't. You just learn how to identify what you can control and what matters to you and what you will do about it. I feel content because for one thing I believe that we are all here for a purpose and we are learning what each of us individually and collectively need to learn. I don't know WHY this is happening or why I get to live through this time but I know that in the end, everything will be as it should be. I don't believe death is our end, this time in our human skins is part of a much longer journey. I believe when I lay dying (or hopefully die peacefully unbeknownst to me!) that NONE of THIS will have mattered. It's not what I will think about. We get such a short time here, I really hate to waste. any of it even typing this, but I also understand the usefulness of it. If it stops me from ruminating and worrying about things that I have so little control over, then it was time well spent. Plus I did it outside while watching squirrels and bunnies and blue jays and cardinals and little white butterflies. Everything in this moment right NOW is perfect. And I have finally learned how to enjoy each of these individual perfect moments, in between whatever other moments may happen today. And I focus on those good ones and I smile and am content. I wish this peaceful feeling for everyone and if I could I would spread it to you! But that isn't in my control...it's in yours and you need to find your way to it, and it may look completely different than my path. 

 

Thanks for reading... and remember it's possible to feel peace AND fight for the world you want to live in!!  

For me

 This one's for me.

More of a public diary than a blog post.

I have been having moments of ... sadness? profound sadness. That hit me like a gut punch. I will be doing my thing...reading about stoicism, trying to practice it. Having gratitude for everything I have. Acknowledging how much I have. Way more than enough. And then... boom.... a gut punch of despair. Wanting to drop to my knees and cry. Yes, it's that powerful. I am not being dramatic. It's almost debilitating in it's strength. And the only thing that keeps me going is knowing... I have so much. Which can cause me guilt. Guilt at feeling so much pain without a reason. Thankfully I am capable of stopping that snowball but it doesn't always stop the physical symptoms. The brain fog, wooshiness from anxiety. 

I try to tell myself I am storytelling when I try to "reason" out why I am feeling these horrible moments. But, unfortunately, some of the stories are true. America IS a shit show right now. I remind myself of what I can do about that (not much, but I am doing the little that I can). And then there's all the other stuff that I can't do much about. My sister's son. My dad's grief. My friend's cancer. Whatever is going on with my cat. 

I know how bad worry is for us physically. I feel it. The stomach sickness, the tightness in my jaw and shoulders. I try meditating, I immerse myself with distractions. Right now I just want to go back to sleep to escape. I know that's not healthy. I'm just so mentally exhausted by all of it. And, yet... I remind myself.... MY LIFE is great. It's all of these other people who are experiencing the real stress. Mine is just worry. I know...I know.. worrying about loved ones is still a stress, it just feels so selfish... because it is. It's MY worry... I can't help them by worrying. It's wasted energy, doing nobody any good. It feels wrong to just go on being happy while they struggle. Even all the crap in America. Most of it won't affect me. Sure the healthcare stuff will, but even then I can afford to deal with it, it won't be what I want to spend my retirement money on. I may need to have to go back to work. But I'll be fine. So many won't. 

I sit hear listening to the birds chirp, it's a chilly rainy day, the squirrels don't care, the tomato plants love it. The air smells clean, Everything is green and beautiful. Life is good. For me. Right now. Right here. 

So why can't I let go of the tension in my shoulders?Why aren't the deep breaths relaxing me? Because I care... I care about my friend that I am about to call. The whole situation is replaying out the last months of my mom's life. It's too similar. But I remind myself I don't know what's going to happen (it yells back YES YOU DO!) No, no I don't. The reality is I could die before he does. No one knows. I don't know. I really don't. 

Not sure this was helpful... I guess it's the resistance causing the suffering. I am fighting so hard not to feel this way it's making me feel worse. Maybe I need to just allow myself a good cry and stop pretending I'm not afraid. Stop pretending I can avoid the pain. Stop pretending  I KNOW what's going to happen. Enjoy today. It's not easy but the alternative sucks... 

Enough is enough

 I just reread my Absurd post. I should read it once a week. It really does sum up my favorite parts of stoicism. 

My new favorite quote is "Nothing is enough for the person for whom enough is too little". I am guessing it's not an exact quote because I have seen it written a few different ways. I want something a little shorter that says the same thing so I can get it tattooed on my forearm, but so far it's just too long, I don't want that much ink! Epicurus said it. I guess I could skip the middle words... Nothing is enough if enough is too little. Still pretty long though!

I wrote my Absurd post right after the election. To say I underestimated how bad it would be is an understatement. HOLY SHIT! It has been unfucking real. We (the sane ones who are paying attention) joke that we want off this timeline, but seriously....it is surreal. So many are still tuned out to what's happening( in just over 100 days! )I don't even know where to start with what is the most outrageous stuff. 

I didn't really come here to rehash the horrible shit that is going on anyway. I came here to say none of it is new. Go back in history and you find rulers and politicians behaving the same way. You find the rich being greedy to the point it bites them in the ass. As much as I don't want to be living in a time that will make history books, I DO want to live to see the other side of this. I KNOW (and yes, I realize how wrong I often am) but I know that good always wins, light always defeats the dark. What I don't know is the time frame. Will this be the undoing of democracy in our country? How long until the people rise? How many will die? What will society look like afterwards? Will it end with a nuclear war?

I did a research study regarding my thoughts on the probability of a nuclear catastrophe. There were all kinds of scenarios, tons of information, questions about what I thought might trigger it. I think catastrophe was defined as affecting 50 million people (not necessarily killing them all at once). I put the chance of that happening at the lowest number they would allow it was like 2/100%. This was including human error, AI error, deliberate war...every scenario they could imagine. I can't remember the time frame, may have been the next 5 years, could have been 15, I just don't remember because I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. That was BEFORE the election. Now.... now it seems absolutely in the realm of possibility. This man is so profoundly incompetent, stupid, arrogant... I would say evil, but honestly I don't think it's evil as much as narcissism and greed. Greed for power, money and most of all to be admired. He just doesn't understand that the majority (yes it IS the majority) of people see him for who and what he is. A pathetic loser that fails at everything. The ONLY thing he has succeeded at is conning the most gullible among us and is that something to brag about? Not really.

Ugh...this wasn't supposed to be about him. This is supposed to be about wasted worrying. There is only so much I can do. And I am doing it. I am now officially an activist, by my definition and I assume the actual definition. I have been to every protest since our local chapter of Indivisible formed. I walk up to 3.5 miles one way to get there and then march another 1.5 miles chanting with them. I have led the march, with a megaphone. This isn't my comfort zone. But it's that important to me. I am now the volunteer who handles the submissions to our website. I approve the events and the advocacy actions to be displayed on our calendar. I have attended virtual town halls with our state leaders (every one of them). I write to them, I call them. I sign petitions. I share info on social media. I boycott. I am fighting back because that is what I can do. Whatever happens I won't ever feel like I sat back and ignored what was happening. This has helped me with my anxiety because I see that I am not alone. That this isn't Democrat vs Republican. It really is right vs. wrong. And I am not quiet. I won't attend a family function with MAGA present and make nice and pretend like I accept their "views". It stopped being about viewpoints a long time ago.  I don't want to be around people that I don't trust. And, frankly, I don't know whether these people would turn me in for a bounty, should he decide to come after people who protest his administration. What is their line? They haven't acted like there is one, so no, I won't pretend like we can "get along".

Phew.... where was I? Epicurus. That's my focus. Recognizing what IS enough and being satisfied with enough. That isn't to say that I don't indulge in things that are more than enough, I am just more cognizant when I do. For at least a decade, I have recognized needs from wants, and again...that doesn't mean I don't allow myself things that I don't need. I have plenty of stuff I don't need (hello Apple watch and silly flamingo band and 12 other various colored bands! lol). I just make sure I realize how fortunate I am. Gratitude goes hand in hand with the enough quote. Every day, multiple times a day, I reflect on what I am grateful for. That doesn't mean I don't have sad days still or unwarranted anxiety. I do. And I get frustrated and then I stop and remind myself of how ridiculous all of this is. Of how many times over the past 50 plus years I have wasted time worrying about stuff that seemed so important in that moment and now I can't even remember it. If only that was enough to make the sadness or the anxiety immediately leave....maybe someday. All I know (yes KNOW) is my life is immensely better because of all of the studying I have been doing. There is no end, I will practice stoicism and any other philosophies I come across every day until I die. And my life will be better for it.  

I recognize that the last paragraph was "enough" enough to get my point across. All the other stuff ...welcome to my brain where thinking is never enough...but over thinking is! lol

 

A reason for my current outrage?

 TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a sexual assault victim, this post may not be for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I was sexually assaulted.

 Four words. Pretty straight forward. Been driving me nuts for a while now. It has only been recently that I have even begun to acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted.

I still feel like a fraud saying it. Writing it. Thinking it. But I WAS sexually assaulted.

E Jean Carroll made me realize it. Not the MeToo movement, not the Bear in the woods question. I've always known I was sexually harassed. But never acknowledged that I was sexually assaulted too.

It's been over 40 years, maybe even over 45. (How can you NOT know? Shouldn't every detail be seared into your brain?) I STILL can't even say it without feeling like a fraud so why would I remember it with great detail? I mean I DO remember the event. The who, the where, the how but only a general idea of when. 

I was 10? 11? 12? I am not sure. It was summer. I was at the public pool and I won't name the boy who did it, because what the hell is the point now? I was hanging on the side of the pool. Recovering from having just been held under water for a scarily long time. He was just "playing". While I hung there, catching my breath and shaking, he came up behind me and inserted his finger in my vagina. As quickly as he did it, it was over. He made a comment that I suppose was meant to be derogatory, but in my adult state I realize it would actually be a compliment, but he delivered it with a sneer and mockingly. "You're so tight" the undertones being you're a virgin, what's wrong with you. Maybe that was just my brain. Boys were never interested in me, I felt ugly, bullying from both girls and boys about how underdeveloped I was for my age lowered my self esteem. Is this why I kept quiet? Why I never even thought about telling anyone? Was this attention better than no attention? I don't know. I wrote it in my diary at the time. My sister read it and made me feel ashamed about it (I do not hold this against her now, she was younger than me, I only mention it because I wonder if that added to my decision to just lock it away in the far corners of my brain and never revisit it.) 

That was it. That was "all" that happened. And you see how even today, a grown ass, confident woman who KNOWS that if someone else told me that happened to them I would call it sexual assault. And yet... here I am ... still downplaying it. Because he was just a kid... because it barely happened.... I wasn't "really" harmed by it.... . 

This thinking comes from living in a country where we never believe the victim, and when we do, we blame them. A country where the attacker (see? feels wrong to even call him an attacker) is made a SCOTUS judge, a POTUS... where we always talk about what girls should do to protect themselves but never about why we should make it clear to boys that THIS is unacceptable. and hold them accountable.

Is this why my anger at MAGA is so strong? Because these people don't care. They don't care that this man allegedly raped a child, that he was found guilty of assaulting E Jean Carroll. Where they call libtards pedophiles while ignoring the actual Matt Gaetz's and Pete Hegseth's in their party that are pedophiles or sexual assaulters!

I am still processing it...obviously. I have talked about it with a couple of people and I hoped writing about it would enable me to stop obsessing about why it had come to light now and what I should do with the memories. Pack them back up? What's there to do now? I think I just want to be able to say it without feeling like a fraud. If I say it enough I can forgive myself for not properly taking care of myself when it happened. I know my dad would have went ape shit. He nearly got arrested when a boy stole my books when I was walking home from elementary school, I can only imagine what he would have done to this boy. What about other girls? Surely I wasn't the only one. 

So here I am... the story told and I just don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts. It all seems so pointless now. I guess giving myself love and compassion is all I can do. 

Thank you for reading.

It's all just so absurd

 Well if I thought I felt unsafe before...how about now that my country failed us, and by us I don't mean the libtards, I mean ALL of us. They may not get it yet, but it won't be long until they do. His cabinet picks are beyond ridiculous, even by his standards. But that's not why I came here to write today. It isn't even about how glad I am that my previously mentioned friend reached out to me and we are speaking again. It's not about how I am not speaking with my SIL again (and it's NOT because she voted for TFG, it's how she handled his win and disrespecting my need for some time alone, forcing herself on me again and again, just as TFG would, it's like they just can't help themselves, they don't know any other way than bullying and manipulation and lying). 

I am up and down. Feeling hopeless, scared and then realizing it how nothing matters. In the end worry is ALWAYS a waste of time. It doesn't change the future, it certainly can't change the past. I am still reading, reading    reading. Unfortunately I need to read 24/7 to escape the thoughts that counteract everything I read. I KNOW I need to focus strictly on THIS moment. What is good about right now. I KNOW that. I do. And there comes my damn brain telling me this moment is going to end. Describing the future in great detail. All a story I am making up because I do not KNOW. Over and over again, everything I think is proven wrong..all the stories I tell myself...wrong... I am wrong way more often than I am right. And yet... I keep telling those stories and treating them like facts. To be fair and kind to myself...I am a million percent better at recognizing that and stopping it. And, even better, being kind to myself when I do. I used to beat myself up, hating myself for telling the stories and buying into them. The latest book I've read has really driven that point home. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Laugh at the stories, thank them for trying to "protect" you by preparing you for the worst. (Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics-Dan Harris). It has helped to be kinder. And I want to add a "but" here, to say I still do too much beating myself up, but that's not very kind, is it? I'll just stick with being satisfied that I am improving, whatever the pace is.

I saw a documentary on George Carlin and something he said gave me a new perspective. It's been years since I saw it and I am still trying to incorporate the perspective because it feels like a good way to approach my remaining years. I won't get it verbatim but it was something along the lines of he started treating his time on earth as a spectator. Watching the "movie" that is life and laughing at how serious we all take everything. And when you step back, really step all the way out of what we are all doing here, it really does seem completely hilarious. All of it. War, wealth, entertainment, day to day worries. It is all so absurd when you think about where we are all going to end up. Dead. None of us knows if there is something after death and even if there is, maybe even ESPECIALLY if there is, it only makes ALL of THIS absolutely ridiculous. After we are gone, will we care at all what job we did? what food we ate? what TV show we watched? what color our car is? how our clothes fit? what our hair looks like? How we died? How we lived? Even if there is something after this, I don't believe any of us will give one damn thought to anything we did while we were here. In my version of afterlife I don't believe we can have regret-of course, don't forget I am almost always wrong. Now my own personal beliefs are that it does matter because I think if we get this "wrong" (and what wrong means, I have no idea) we will have to come back and do it again. And I may tell myself that because I do not want to do this all again. And that's not to say I don't find joy in being alive but living with THIS brain is exhausting and I have to believe the afterlife is brainless, I want it to just be peace and I can't have peace and a brain. Well not this brain. And that's why I read. I do have some hope that one day it will all finally click and I can have peace. I read the words, I understand the how. I just need to do it. I feel like I am getting there. I have moments. And moments are better than nothing. I just have to keep putting those moments together, closer and closer. I know it's not possible for anyone (ok for most people, there's probably some freaks out there capable) to always be content without any moments of frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness. It's all part of life. Stoicism says to embrace them, to treat them like all the good moments, to use them to our advantage.

 My current book is The Obstacle is the Way-Ryan Holiday. I am trying to see how to use TFG's next presidency as the way, it certainly is an obstacle. I am only about 25 pages in, so I can't see it yet. But it's what prompted me to email my newly elected Senator. She's the first transgender woman elected to Congress and she's not receiving a friendly welcome from Nancy Mace. Trying to ban her from using the women's restroom at the Capitol. These people make me livid. So Mace is ok with having a rapist as POTUS, another child rapist (that's what Gaetz is, we can stop pretending sex with a 17 year old isn't child rape) in Congress but she can't stand the thought of a trans woman peeing in the stall next to her?? Make it make sense! I asked my senator what can I do to help her. I am tired of sitting idly by, raging while doing nothing. Surely we can all do more to stop this. We certainly can't rely on those in charge to do the right thing. They are still so worried about appearing "unfair" that they just keep letting injustices occur. We elected a fucking felon to our highest office and it seems only a few of us our outraged!

But doesn't that bring me full circle? When his second term is done (look he can't live forever...I didn't say it would be done in 4 years, because who knows anymore? Nothing makes sense.) and he is a distant memory (fingers crossed that I will still be here to see this) will any of this outrage, fear or worry be remembered or matter? The Stoics remind us that all of this has been done before, none of it is new to us. Not corrupt leaders, not pandemics. None of it. We aren't special, it's all been done before and clearly we don't remember it because we keep repeating the same stupid mistakes. And when we are laying on our death bed, won't it all seem trivial, irrelevant and even absurd? 

And I think that's a fine place to close....because I think I brought my "weave" back to where I wanted to be. And, yes, I laugh at him because I still can and I am tired of being scared of a weak, pathetic conman who is in the early stages of cognitive decline (who knows, maybe midway). If I fall out a window to my death...you'll know who did it, especially since I live in rancher... I crack myself up... when I am not overthinking!