HAH! You thought you were gonna make it through the day without hearing from me, didn't you??
It started out rough...woke at 4 am to pee and that was it...can't blame the cat today. I did NOT want to get up, so I laid in bed, playing on my phone, hoping for my eyes to become heavy and my brain to shut up....Finally tried to fall asleep about 5:15. Dave woke to pee and must have sensed I was awake. He rubbed my back off and on for a bit and I finally fell asleep. Not long after I awoke from a nightmare... a guy was in my back seat (I drive a 2 seater, so even in my dream, this seemed bizarre) and was trying to get me to pullover so he could rape me....I just kept driving hoping to get somewhere where there were people, but it was pretty desolate and I finally woke up when he got more aggressive about me pulling over. I fell back asleep fairly quickly, only to be woken up by another nightmare...something about Dave and Rachel still texting after all that's been going on...got out of that nightmare fast, so I don't even really know what they were texting, if it was starting it up again or just final goodbyes. Fell asleep til about 7:30 and finally gave up.
It was a beautiful morning, we went for a run around 9, came back had breakfast and decided it wasn't too soon for a nap. We both slept about an hour and a half.
Then off to get a haircut. I was feeling ok...and switching radio stations to try to find something upbeat to keep my mood up. But...I Want To Know What Love Is was on...I quickly turned it off. It was a song he shared with her...specifically discussing how the last line was so meaningful --- let me refresh your memory: Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.
And then anxiety....almost had to turn around and come home. Talked myself down. He told me he didn't feel lonely then...or now...and he still doesn't now why---it just happened.
Sitting in the chair, getting my hair cut...I tear up...don't remember why....try to change the subject in my head...few minutes later I start thinking about my bff and tearing up, feeling horrible that I doubted, even for a second, that he wouldn't be there for me. He has been so amazing. His heart as big as I knew it was...don't tell anyone...he cherishes his reputation that he is a complete asshole.
Then I had some real moments of clarity. I wanted to write it down to remember. By the time I got home, they were gone. Just brief snippets of what I had been thinking. I let my mind relax and they came back to me, somewhat.
First. I have had a lot of trouble reconciling how someone who loves someone like he claims to love me, could ALSO love someone else and how they could repeatedly do this for three months. My moment of clarity showed me that it was possible, unfortunately the reasoning behind how it's possible hasn't come back to me yet. But I remember thinking it was a valid and logical explanation. So I hope to have that thought again.
Second. Was about me. I keep claiming this has nothing to do with me and that I KNOW that. But, of course, there is doubt. And, as I have said, some part of me wants to be responsible..to give ME the ability to change, to be in control of something. If I had a role, I can fix it...if I didn't it's out of my hands. I know some of you may disagree with me here. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I sometimes put on an act in front of friends or family, where I act like I wear the pants, I come across as bossy and a bit of a bitch to live with. I am not like that at all at home. As I have said, I have spent the last several years trying to be a better wife..a better person. And I have been successful. I have changed my role in this relationship to be more giving, more caring and he acknowledges that. This was NOT my fault at all. Sure I had a pretty long depressive episode. Would you be ok with a husband having an emotional affair if his wife had cancer? Well, same thing applies here. It's an illness...it's in the vows..sickness and health, better or worse....THIS IS SO ON HIM!!
I am here to say that I can no longer play myself off as a victim, someone deserving empathy for a childhood full of bullying. Claim to have low self esteem. Sure, I have moments. But the majority of the last, who knows how many years, I have felt worthy of his love. I have felt confidence in myself. I look at my assets and downplay my flaws. My clarity showed me this. It allowed me to see that the reason I am here is NOT because of low self esteem and thinking I can't have better or that I deserve this. I am here because I love him. The only way I can make it through the tough times ahead is because I have enough self esteem to believe in myself to handle it. I can even state that he doesn't deserve me. And he doesn't as the person he is now. But that doesn't mean he can't improve himself to be worthy. I felt bad feeling that way, telling him that. Because if this IS about his self esteem, I shouldn't be piling onto the problem by telling him he doesn't deserve me. But it is true. I deserve better than a liar and a cheater. I told him I believe he can be better. I trust his strength to find the reasons why he feels so shitty about himself and fix it. I have confidence in him that he will find out why he did this. He can become the man I deserve and we can have a good life together again....forever this time. No more pain. Because I don't deserve to be in a relationship that hurts me. I still don't believe either of us can be happy without a valid reason why he did this. I will never be able to trust him and I deserve a relationship with trust and he doesn't deserve to have a partner who never believes him--if we don't get an answer, that would be our future and that is a dismal future and no way to live. So I do still have some doubt if we can get through. Because I do have some doubt that he can figure out why. But I am also full of hope. Hope that we can. And peace knowing I will be ok, either way. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with THIS man....but I will be ok if it doesn't come to that.
Realizing why I am here has given me renewed strength and hope. I was so afraid I was staying for the wrong reasons: Fear of the unknown --thinking I was settling for less than I deserve. Today made me realize, I can falter and try to blame myself or think I deserved it but the reality is my self esteem is in such a good place now that even this seismic, mind boggling blow to what I believed to be a perfect life can't sway my confidence in myself. I am the strong woman so many people thought I was. It wasn't an act. I "faked it til you make it" and it turns out I will be just fine.
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