I realized that I often post about what depression feels like, because you write what you know, right? Well I just checked the last time I wrote a sadness post was a little over a year ago, right before my friend died and near the beginning of realizing how much worse this 4 years would be than the last time our nation elected this con man.
Since that time, I have continued with my reading but also experimented a bit with psychedelics. I had read a lot about their use in depression, anxiety and other trauma type mental health issues. I don't want to go into the where or how I got it or even the "trips" themselves. I didn't have an ego death or any great revelation, in fact what I enjoyed most was the church giggles. I don't know if that's a usual thing but it was definitely my favorite part. There is nothing quite like a good case of the giggles and I had a whole bunch of them each time.
I can't say for sure and for some reason I am very hesitant to give credit to those experiences but for at least the last 8 months, maybe longer I am using my son's wedding as a point in time and I know it's been since at least then I have been... I don't want to say happy... maybe content? at peace? I just have a calmness, a lack of worry. I am really living in the moment.
I have been reading a lot of books on life after death, near death experiences, how our brains work but I have always done that so it seems unfair to give credit to that either. As I type this I want to state that I don't really spend too much time wondering why, that's part of what has changed... I am not overthinking everything. I still think... a lot... but I don't ruminate. With all of the horrible shit this country is going through, I can read about it, do what I can and move on to enjoying my day--no dwelling on it or letting it ruin my sleep.
So this post is about what it feels like to feel free from what I thought would be a lifetime of mental health issues. Do I think I will never experience depression again? I don't think about that. It's not in my control. Or should I say the parts that are I will continue doing what I am doing to control it. I still feel sadness, how can you not when you read about the horrible things being done? But I don't cling to it and run with it and let it dominate me. I haven't felt like I was in the depression well, free falling for a long time.
Many of the things I mentioned in my last sadness post still exist. I still have lots of concerns for my sister, she still needs to have her pancreas tumor checked on, she still worries about her kids. My dad still hasn't sold his house and lives practically alone. My friend didn't beat cancer and his widow is struggling to live the life he knows my friend would have wanted for him. I feel for all of them but I don't let it keep me up at night because I know can't control any of it. I can only be there to listen.
But, as usual, I got off topic. How does it feel right now? I have a cat at my feet, laying on my chaise lounge chair under an umbrella with the slightest breeze and perfect temperature. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, everything is green and beautiful and I feel peace. I feel a smile on my lips because unlike that sadness post I don't just "know" how good I have it, I feel it. I appreciate the bees hopping from flower to flower, I feel lucky that despite the nagging hip pain I've had I can still run, which I will do later today, in the wooded area that I am fortunate to have right behind my back yard. Every day we get to experience the wildlife- foxes, groundhogs, raccoons, skunks, snakes, deer, squirrels, rabbits, birds- as animal lovers, it's heaven.
Maybe some credit goes to stoicism. I finally really understood what Epictetus means by "picking things up with the other handle". I don't know why it took me so long to get it, but now that I do there's no unseeing it. Everything has 2 ways of looking at it... pick the one that brings you the most joy or comfort or the least pain. Look for the purpose, look for what you can learn from the bad thing that happened to you. Focus on the lesson not the pain. I struggled a long time with this one. How could anything good come from the way we had to watch my mom suffer at the end? Now I can name a few things. I am certainly much more empathetic to those who are experiencing cancer or watching a loved one suffering with cancer (or really any illness), I understand how much stronger I am mentally than I ever believed I was. It also led me to the many books on the afterlife, which has brought me to a place where I don't fear death and also to learn to live a life that looks how I want it to look, not anyone else's version.
And there's Epicurus "Nothing is enough for the man whom enough is too little". For over a decade we have been living a much less materialistic life but I am not sure I really embraced it, I think I was still jealous of people who didn't watch how they spent money. Now I am so grateful that my husband and I are on the same page about what really matters. And no amount of money can buy the peace you feel when you appreciate that enough is enough. And, to be fair, we have so much more than enough so we really have nothing at all to complain about or be envious of others.
I don't know, I feel like I still haven't done much in the way of describing how I feel. It was a little easier to describe the darkness that depression brought to me. This lightness is harder, the darkness felt like a well that I fell into with walls so smooth there was nothing to grab to stop me from falling farther and farther, it felt so hopeless. Now I just feel calm and peace, I can't think of any imagery to describe it. Maybe because it isn't really going anywhere, it's just being right here and right here is pretty fucking great. I will just find myself sitting with a smile and a warmth in my chest and a feeling that everything is exactly as it should be. Yes even the regime and the mad king. I trust that the universe has a plan and that for everything to get better we have to get through to the MAGA holdouts and until they see him for who he is he will continue breathing. What other explanation can there be for someone so obviously unfit and unhealthy still breathing at 80? He has an unfulfilled purpose and once it's done... we can all celebrate. Dammit I digressed again.
One other thing I have been doing more of that may be helping with the overthinking is playing games on my tablet. I think they'd be described as ASMR (did I get those letters right?) games and they are very good at silencing the voices and I am making money doing it! Over the past 6-8 months just a few hundred dollars, but hey I never made a dime playing Candy Crush! lol
There was no real purpose for this post, it was just for me again. In case there comes a day when depression or even a prolonged sadness rears it's head, maybe I can read this and remember how I got to this content place. Though looking back over the post I am not sure I really understand how I got here. But, as I have said.... I am not overthinking it. If I only get one more day like this, it's still one day more than many people ever get.
Things I have found helpful:
Gratitudes- self explanatory (there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for)
Zooming out-- stepping out of your thoughts and looking at your life as if it was someone else's
Look at the moment from the future- will whatever is happening right now even register as a blip in your memory 3 months from now? 1 year? 5 years? This has been very helpful in figuring out how much silly stuff I waste my time on
Story telling- recognizing that everything is a story, I don't really KNOW much at all, I make a lot of assumptions about why others said or did what they did and more often than not when I do find out...I was wrong about my interpretation
I recently read that even when we think we are self aware there is a limit to how self aware we can really be, our ego stops us from seeing ourselves as we really truly are...but damn if I am not going to keep pushing that limit. I think the path to peace is accepting yourself as you are but to do that you have to know who you are.
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