Dammit I cried

I was on a roll... only tearing up Sunday and no crying Monday or Tuesday. I knew it wouldn't last but me and my crazy brain likes streaks...

Yesterday (Wednesday) was a weird day. I worked in the morning, with maybe 3 hours sleep. But work went well. A kid (25-28? god, I am old thinking she's a kid) I work with really gets it. She's been cheated on by both a woman and a man (she's bisexual, in case that confused the shit out of you). She completely understands. She says exactly what I need to hear. It's so weird, cuz she's so young.

I drove home happy....during DAYLIGHT hours...but I have decided to try not to fight my feelings, whatever they are, they are. I had some questions pop in my head and would have obsessed about them til I got home so I could be nice and angry and confrontational. Then I realized that really didn't serve anyone well. So I enjoyed the warmth and my wonderful palm trees!

I remembered the questions, got the answers without getting worked up, we ran, I played the piano..And  everything seemed ok.

We watched some TV and I really learned what it means to be "triggered". I don't want to be that person, not for something stupid like an emotional affair. I mean, sure, if a relative was murdered or committed suicide or you were sexually assaulted...they are valid reasons to be triggered. But hearing people talk about cheating or being lonely or lying or hell even seeing Hispanic women, hearing songs that they shared...none of that should friggin set me off. I recognize this and refuse to play victim. Obviously, I guess, it's normal to relate the shit to me, but it doesn't have to ruin my night.

We went to bed fairly early. I decided I needed to try an Ambien from the old stash, see if it worked better. He fell asleep so fast. That hurts. We had talked a bit earlier about me thinking he isn't hurting enough or that he isn't properly "punished" ..whatever that means. I tried to explain that I don't want to be the one to "punish" him because that will make ME feel bad too, because I love him and don't want to see him hurt...which he pointed out is a most definite contradiction to what I just said. He reminded me that he is hurt/ punished...his relationships with our friends and family will always be awkward...that irritated me, made me feel like he's being a martyr. And I know that wasn't what he was saying. But...

Anyway I lay there awake...remembering how this happened 4 years ago, remembering how everything just went back to normal and wanting to avoid that....remembering how I was SOOOOO happy, thinking everything was perfect...just like this time.

Wondering why when I am perfectly happy HE is "lonely" or whatever it is he is...why he decides to reach out to trash this bliss I feel...thinking it is me...and I will never be enough and that it what I started obsessing on..I will never be enough. He awoke to me sobbing and held me and tried to remind me that we don't know WHY... the ambien finally worked and I had a really good night's sleep...so good that I apparently snored "like a trucker"...so he didn't sleep....

So I wrote all of that ^^^ Thursday. In the meantime...he has had an interview (and pretty much got the job) and I have started to read one of the self help books he's reading.

The job...ugh...my worries stem from a couple of places...first and most importantly..if he "settles" for a job and ends up unhappy and resentful then won't this repeat?...oh wait ...we don't know WHY this happened....dammit that is killing me...I need to know.... secondly...this particular job has women...the temptation...I mean, I guess, if he REALLY wants an emotional affair, he doesn't need to be in proximity to a woman, he could reach out anywhere. And finally....back to dealing with our scheduling issues...that's a dumb one....I am so over working that I'd just quit completely.

The book...it's The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is very informative. Only one chapter in and there is sooo much information. It's hard to read without being like "Is this him? Is this me?" I am trying to be subjective. But really I see so much of both of us. This chapter is merely defining self esteem and yet is already so helpful. Self sabotage...you don't believe you are worthy of happiness, so when it is achieved you try to destroy it..who? Did I do this? Or did he do this? I rack my brain trying to thnk of how it was me...I was sooooo happy...I don't think I was thinking I don't deserve it. I really feel like a changed person..I have blogged about it..optimism ..me...still to this day....finding hope, believing things will be good, that's not who I thought I was..I have changed. I really believe I was happy being happy. Then I think about how I doubted him, was that me trying to sabotage my happiness? Or were they real doubts? I mean, we all know they were real now, but if they hadn't been, would I have kept at it, nagging until I ruined my happiness?

One hypothetical struck me: "When at last she convinces him that she really loves him and he is no longer able to doubt it, he begins to wonder if he set his standards too low. He wonders whether she is really good enough for him. Eventually he leaves her, falls in love with another woman and the dance begins again." This is because his (the man in the scenario, I don't know if this pertains to Dave) low self esteem is making him think he is doomed and he needs reality to conform to this belief, so self sabotage is in order to make reality mesh with his belief. It feels relevant. Every time I get happy...he must wreck it. Since I am not doing anything wrong, he must tell himself he deserves more, someone better... I don't know.

There's also discussion of how we tend to gravitate towards people with similar self esteem levels. Maybe once I finally started to love myself, he couldn't stand to see that..it made him feel worse about himself? So off he goes to find another soul more like him...a woman in a bad marriage, is the perfect complement, women in bad marriages often have low self esteem, it's what keeps them there long past when they should leave.

So now I have more things to think about...great....(eye roll)...I suppose it's better to overthink this stuff than to keep thinking about her or them...

I am feeling pretty good today. And no drugs last night and I slept ok, only 6 hours, but pretty restful.

Last night I had a confrontation with the whore (alleged) at work. She feels the need to tell me that she doesn't agree with me giving my husband a chance. I have bit my tongue the first couple times she said this but last night she doubled down, after I was trying to explain myself (which I shouldn't have to do--I did NOT ask for her opinion, remember I have heard the rumors and the last person I want to discuss this with is her) and she interrupted me and said (paraphrasing a bit) "I didn't think you were that stupid (yes...that word is verbatim). I thought you were stronger (verbatim) than that" I kind lost it....well I was calm (shocking!) and I called her out. I told her that with the rumors about her that I didn't really think it was her place to talk to me about this. She got all high and mighty, first acting like she didn't know what rumor I referred to, then not denying it but stating t's their personal business and that our boss has weighed in it and doesn't think anyone should be discussing it and blah blah blah. I calmly then explained, that all that is well and good, but with what I am going through to come to work and have to watch her with him was very hard and it makes me want to punch her in the face. This was not said in a threatening manner and it was stated as past tense. She got upset. I told her "look, you know I love you but I am just telling you it is hard thinking you could be my Rachel" She becomes more defensive and still keeps rattling on about how it's her personal life, blah blah blah (the irony that she came to me to get in my personal business with her opinions of how I am dealing with it, is apparently completely lost on her). At this point one of the managers walks by and tries to get her to leave, if for no other reason than that she isn't WORKING! She keeps trying to talk and defend and saying "Tell him what you said to me" I tell her I said a lot she'd have to more specific. He's literally dragging her away and she won't stop. He comes to me a few minutes later "Thanks a lot" for what, I ask.."What you said to her, she isn't going to let it go" I tell him what I told her...I said a lot, what specifically is he referring to...He just keeps shaking his head, hating being in the middle of this. I start thinking and remember how Dave lost his job over a stupid email that was deemed threatening (it wasn't) and if this bitch tries to start to shit, she is going to find out that you don't fuck with a redhead. I went to my boss and I told him "You know I can be a bitch. It is my word against hers and I will deny it. And the video will back me up. It shows YOU dragging her away from me and I will say I felt threatened. So tell her she may want to think before she does anything" Don't fuck with me. He texted me after I got home, told me has my back and not to worry about it...and believe it or not, I wasn't. If they want to keep a gossip, drama queen who is to busy fucking around on the job instead of me...well they are dumber than I thought.

So ...I forgot where I was even going with this post...my emotions today are completely different than yesterday. I guess I have to finish blogs I start or they are gonna get really confusing....

Still gotta work on that sex blog...maybe later.