Tired and scared

I think I would pay any amount of money to sleep 8 hours...I miss sleeping til 9. I no longer am up until 1 or 2 am playing solitaire...too tired by the time I go to bed at 11 or 12. But I can't seem to get past 6 hours of sleep.

I had started to feel slightly better before bed last night.
I woke up thinking I was feeling the same.

I tried to read some more of the self esteem book and it just started increasing my level of hopelessness.

As sure as I was when I discovered this affair that we belonged together. Yesterday began the (apparently unshakeable) feeling that we won't make it through this.  I was feeling 100% sure we wouldn't yesterday and as the day progressed I felt a tiny bit better. Here it comes again.

I feel like one or both of us may discover we aren't where we belong.

I am trying to figure out where this feeling is coming from.

Is it impatience waiting for a why?

Am I trying to protect myself by thinking I want out before he reaches that conclusion?

What do I REALLY believe?

Sometimes I think he doesn't deserve me.

Sometimes I think I am only staying because the world is full of liars and cheaters, isn't it better to just stick with the one you love? Isn't that settling? But is it settling if you KNOW there isn't anything better out there?

Sometimes I remind myself...he's here. It was a mistake. He DOES love me. It was just a mistake.
I want to believe that he NEVER wanted to leave. But that is just so hard to believe. How can you do something like this and not think it would end. There had to be a part of you that wanted out.

I make myself sick overthinking this. Nauseous ...or is that the hot flashes and the menopause? I think my emotions are amplifying my hormones. I tend to get hot flashes after feeling anything too strongly lately. I don't know if that is a physiological reality or a coincidence.

I want nothing more than to lie down and fall asleep right now...but my heart hurts and I feel sick.
So much fear for an unknown future.

So scared that I am staying for that reason...fear of the unknown. I am starting to picture life without an us. Is that how this plays out? I am slowly adapting to the idea and then boom it will be over.

What if he really loves me and it all falls apart because I am impatient and move on without him?
I know he would deserve that. I wouldn't feel as bad for him, as for me. Because I lose. I lose something that was so important to me that I never succumbed to temptations.

If this wasn't about temptation, if it was him self sabotaging his happiness because he felt unworthy. I can live with that. Then OUR love was real....or was it? What if I was always part of the savior thing he does and the love was just his issues manifested into a relationship that served his self esteem and nothing more. Ending when my confidence made him feel less than and he needed to move onto the next weak, needy woman?

He keeps looking at me...deeply...eyes trying to make me believe and trust. But is it just that? An attempt to make me believe or is it real? Those eyes are the lying eyes. Will I ever know if truth is in them? Was ever in them? I look at the picture on the cruise....we looked so in love...to the whole world. He was thinking of when was the next time he could text his "angel".

I forgot to tell you all about that. Long ago, shortly after we net. He wrote the most beautiful poem. It was called An Angel, Missing Only Her Wings and a Halo. It was truly the most exquisite thing I have ever read. I had even googled it (or whatever the equivalent was back then) to see f he had stolen it from somewhere. One year he had someone write it in calligraphy and frame it for me, because he knew how much I loved it and the original paper was falling apart from having been unfolded and read so many times.

Last week I destroyed it. On the back I had written in chalk The Biggest Lie Ever Told....I know I wrote that in Pennsylvania...and I don't even remember why...which just makes me wonder how many times this man can hurt me and I will just keep coming back for more....

I took it outside, put on gloves and took a hammer to it. He tried to stop me before I ever got outside, but I was done with that lie. He called her an angel in a text...MY FUCKING WORD...I was done with this fucking piece of shit lie....It felt so good breaking the glass. I loved even more when the hammer tore through the paper, pulverizing the words. Glass was everywhere...I was bleeding, slivers of glass in my knees and thighs. It felt soooo good. Then I got matches and I burned it.

Aferwards I told him that was our past and we needed to move forward. I "burned it all down and started again" (lyrics from Faithful, by Rick Springfield).

Can we build it again? Ask me today and the answer is I don't think so. I want to be wrong.

I am trying to figure out if this is a gut feeling..or just fear talking...I don't know.

I don't know anything...that is the common theme of my life right now.

Well...I do know I am tired. So tired. And still so scared.