Deep breath, here it goes....
Why the deep breath? I don't HAVE to do this. Because it's more about being judged than sharing the details. Why did I have sex with him so soon? I still don't understand. I know there's a reason why but I have no idea what it is. I (believe it or not) am not overthinking it. It feels too complicated of a question for me to even attempt to solve, so I just go with it.
The emotional affair (with bonus kisses--ahhh my sarcasm here to deflect and protect!) was discovered in the early morning hours Monday. Monday night I kissed him. This is easy. I kissed him to see if I could do it. I kissed him for his reaction. When I was cheated on before (full blown affair, sex and all) the first sex was filled with crying. And the guy was an ass about it. Turning it on me "Am I going to pay for this forever?" He didn't offer to stop, he didn't apologize again...I am not even sure he ever apologized, just made excuses. And I not only "forgave" him...I MARRIED him. I was never attracted to him physically, it was all about his charisma and my lack of self esteem. Why did I marry that ass?? It's something I can't even regret, because it gave me my son. I needed to know how this time would compare. Could I kiss him and not cry or vomit?
It felt good. But it hurt. Of course I pictured him kissing her. Over the next few days I asked tons of questions...there weren't "make out" sessions, it was more of a kiss hello and kiss good bye...a passionate kiss, but not a fondling, groping type of thing. If I am to believe that. Doesn't help to dwell...so I try not to. Fairly successful, I might add. I am so much more in control of my emotions and thoughts than I really like to think I am. (can I mention how annoying the word "than/then" has become?? My brain used to just know...now it's a constant re-reading to see which belongs..stupid aging!!) I had told him that he was sleeping in our in-law suite until further notice but that very first night I didn't want to be alone in the bed and so he never did. He held me..we held each other. And then tried to sleep.
Tuesday comes. I have to work. 3:30-9:30. I was still in shock because it wasn't nearly as hard as the subsequent shifts. I got home, pretty tired from no sleep Sunday night and shitty sleep Monday night...we went up to bed and talked. We held each other again. I loved his body. I told you I didn't want to be too graphic, but some stuff needs to be said to understand the "why?"...I believe he didn't have sex with her. You have to trust me to know this to be the truth. And if I am being honest, I believe it 100%, if I would like to lie to you, like I'd like to lie myself, I would say I am not. For one reason only...to save face if it ever came out that he did. "See I KNEW IT!" But it's a lie. I know he didn't. I told him if it ever comes out in therapy that the only way for him to heal is to tell me the truth that he slept with her, that I want him to keep lying and just leave me. But he assured me that's a non issue and I really know it is. Ok so back to the details. When I say "I loved his body" what I mean is. I caressed him from head to toe. Sometimes light strokes, sometimes firm grips, sometimes lightly kissing, sometimes playfully biting, sometimes grinding against him, sometimes just gently rubbing my body slightly over his. Stopping for light kisses or deep ones. And that was all I intended to do. To show him how much I love him. To show him what he risked. I know staying with him and trying is showing him how much I love him. It feels like doing this ...is....I just don't know. I think I do it for me as much as for him. It's the one thing WE have that they didn't. It's one thing he can not lie about...his body can't lie. His dick can't lie. His breathing doesn't lie. He wants me. I feel wanted. To me feeling wanted is akin to feeling loved. I know it shouldn't be tied together so closely...but is ...for me. Why? I don't know!!
***When I dated my previous husband, those first 8 months that he cheated on me, he also broke up with me. Summer of 1989. Every damn weekend it seemed he broke up with me. That was how he kept seeing her. Every time he broke it off, I would go clubbing and look for validation from men. Some weeks he would come back in time to make sure I left alone. Sometimes he didn't. I had 3 one night stands that summer. I seek sex for comfort. For validation that someone wants me. I know those guys didn't want me, they wanted a pussy. I am sure I knew that then. I am sure it didn't help my self esteem....but I did it. And I felt wanted.
Is this the same thing? I don't know. I just know when we have sex, I feel in control and I feel safe and I can fall asleep. It gives me confidence. It seems so wrong to feel this way. But it just is.***
Back to Tuesday night. We ended up having great sex because I couldn't stop with the caressing. We have always had great sex. 21 years of great sex. I am not just saying this. I have had ok sex, I have had shitty sex and I have even had great sex with someone other than him (only one guy out of the 7 other guys I have been with--so I consider great sex a rarity.) I told him, as shallow as it may seem, if not for the great sex, I probably would have thrown him out. Sound harsh? What made our relationship special was he wasn't a cheater, he wasn't a liar. Now he is. He is no different than any other man. Why stay with this particular cheater/liar? Because I love him...but I can love someone else again. But will that love exist with a great lover? That sounds like an improbability or a long search. Why not stay with the guy I love AND who is a great lover? At least try.
So the morning comes and still I can't be naked in front of him...I can fuck him in the dark but I don't want him to see me naked in the light....it's an intimacy thing. Bizarre? I also won't allow him to perform oral sex on me. I don't know how long I will feel that way. Some men probably think.."you are just punishing yourself...he does it for your benefit"..(WAIT are MEN reading this?? OMG!!!) I know oral sex is for me...but it just feels soooo intimate. I don't want that.
Wednesday night is a repeat...Thursday night as well. One of the days I even start to love his body in the morning and it ends not with sex but with a blow job. I think in 21 years, he has let me give him a blow job without sex less than a handful of times. Let me? Sounds weird, right? It has always bothered me. And it is part of his problem..he has a hard time letting me do things for him. It makes me crazy...how can you go to someone else for something when you can't ask--won't even accept stuff I WANT to give from me??
So this keeps working for me....the days are hard, we sometimes fight...fight? no....I am sometimes angry, there isn't any fighting..what is there to fight about? He completely admits he fucked up. And then at night I feel safe in his arms because of sex.
Saturday...I see signs my period is coming. I freak...How will I sleep without sex? I think he realizes now what a crutch this has become for me. He tries to reassure me everything will be ok. I worry. The night comes and my period isn't quite here yet...relief --we have sex, but I know tomorrow night will be different. Why couldn't NOW be the time my period skipped a few months? Ahhh I remember thinking menopause was finally here and my moods would be gone and that we had survived, we would be ok...but we hadn't...we were in the midst of failing spectacularly. So Sunday came and he let me love him again. Telling me how unnecessary it was, but knowing I needed it.
Monday night we went camping...I planned on doing the same but A) it was too cold and B) he hinted he kinda needed a break!. I slept like shit but that was the cold and having to pee all night because I knew the bathroom was too far away!
Here it is Friday and still we haven't had sex and I have survived. So I guess that neediness is gone. Now I know I can feel safe without the sex.
And this is why I shared.
I did what I had to to survive. I tried to not berate myself that people would think I was insane for trying to save my marriage, letting him sleep in my bed...and what?!?! having sex with him too! So soon!!??!?
If you find yourself in this situation. Do what is right for YOU. This was never really about
him...I wondered if it was...make him see what he was going to give up. Show him he could never find a lover like me and maybe that was a tiny part of it. But it was mostly about making ME feeling safe, me feeling secure and probably the biggest thing...being in control.
And now you have survived the sex post!! I promise that will be it!
Again..if you are in this situation and you have any questions for me...don't hesitate to ask.
Remember the first time this happened to me, my reaction was different...I didn't want sex and I cried during it. There isn't a right way to do this. I just wanted to share my way.
AFTER PUBLISHED EDIT:
So last night, I freaked and took down this post. I was sure it was too much after all. I hadn't re-read it, just was sure it was too much. I have re-read it (at 5 in the damn morning!) and decided it was ok. I had kept the really private parts private. It isn't quite clinical but I am ok with this much being out there. Only 12 had read it and I was sooo glad. Some of my recent posts are up to 70 views! YIKES! I didn't think so many people read my blog!
I also remembered a pretty important detail I left out...I mentioned that with that first asshole I cried during sex...I didn't this time, in fact HE cried after our first time. It felt genuine and real. It made a world of difference in my confidence that giving us a chance was the right thing to do. So not only did having sex so soon not hurt me, it may have helped.
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