Went to bed around 11:30 pm. Had a really good day, sure there was a stray thought or two (or a hundred) but I didn't feel angry, hopeless, stupid or any emotion strongly, other than being happy in the moment.
I got out of bed at 4:30 to pee...I had started waking up off and on before that but still feeling content enough to sleep, just avoiding getting up to pee. Once I got up and then returned to bed, that was it....my brain started. So here I am...I swore I wouldn't lie in bed and write blogs in my head. If I am not sleeping why lay there?
It started with wondering whether I should have ever posted the last blog, glad I had taken it down. Then my mind drifted to how happy I was yesterday and that was it....
I thought about that bitch I work with and how I felt while we talked. As she started telling me what I should do, I started falling down a deep hole, like a well, I remember trying to grasp at things to hold onto..they were my excuses to her for why I was staying. She just kept trying to shut me down. I remember very clearly thinking "Please shut up, I don't want to have to take you down". I remember being very conscious of not calling her a whore, of not even accusing her, being very specific to call it a rumor. I remember how she stammered and stuttered and refused to deny. She merely kept saying "It was her personal business" I tried to explain why it wasn't if they flaunted it at work. I shared with her how I had gotten a bit of a "crush" on a kid that had worked there and how I told Dave my feelings to have it out in the open so that I'd never act. She started on a tirade about how me THINKING about having sex with someone else is an "emotional affair" ...I tried to explain the difference between fantasizing and doing...why am I wasting my time with this stupid twit?? She quite obviously is completely fucking clueless about anything.
Old Ann would have handled it differently. I am different -- that optimistic, not so nasty, wanting to help people person. (Side note: I find it ironic that as I have moved further and further from Christianity that my desire ---no not my desire---my ACTIONS to treat people better have increased. In other words: the less religious I have become, the better person I AM (not want to be..actually AM--pretty odd)) Old Ann would have told her what a stupid cunt she was and told her she was playing with fire and deserved anything and everything coming her way.
I was trying to be gentle with her. My anxiety level was starting to increase. The more she stood there yapping, the more sure I was that she was wrecking a home. That there was a woman sitting home married to a man she didn't know at all because he was fucking around with this dimwitted twit!
And yet I felt sorry for her. I realized (don't know if it was then or after she was dragged away) that she may have been wishing I left because it was too hard to see a wife stay. That ruins her "plans". Her fantasies of her man leaving his wife. What if he tries to stay and the "stupid" wife lets him. It was killing her to see an alternate reality play out, one she hadn't considered perhaps. She mentioned how her husband had cheated on her. She left him. So that is the way it must be done in her mind, I guess. All I could think is "You were the other woman and yet you can do this to someone else?" How? Never could I or would I ever do this to another woman...at this point I can't say I won't do it to Dave. But if I decided to cheat (and it would be a VERY conscious decision) it would not hurt another woman. I think I mentioned that there's a worried part of me that I may cheat now. I am human, there have been temptations in the past and as I reflect back, I never really realized how often it could have happened if I had allowed it to. Always I recognized the temptation and always I stopped. Sometimes because the other person didn't seem "worth" losing Dave over, sometimes because I didn't want to hurt him and always because I knew he'd never do it to me....Now it's different. There's that tiny sliver of nasty Ann that would love to destroy his heart and that's while I love him. What if time goes by and my love isn't as strong and a desirable man enters my life...what will stop me? Will I even want to stop myself?
So I lay there thinking about all of that and just wanting to go back to sleep...remembering what a good day we had...then I start thinking it hasn't been even 2 weeks yet. I SHOULD NOT be this happy. Because apparently there is a rule book with a timetable? I argue this with myself. But I can't help wondering....is it really ok to feel so normal...do not fall for it...I try to remember how I felt falling asleep and the things he said to me...and then I realize they are words and his words can be lies. And I try to remember how he lied so easily to me, how I didn't SEE the lies, his face looked the same. But did it? I remember now that I avoided looking at him. He was hard to look at. Why? Because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see sometimes...not ALL of the time. There was that distance...This I can remember because of those blogs I wrote but didn't publish. Times when he looked pale, sickly, tired and I dismissed it as whatever he was going through, worried for his health, but knowing he had just had checkups. I wasn't seeing it as lies that were eating him alive. The drinking, the weight loss...all signs...signs I saw but he dismissed. I TRUSTED him to tell the truth and I believed...but did I? I try so hard to remember specific times he lied. Did he falter? Did he have "tells"? How will I ever know when he's truthful again? The only answer is my gut instinct. And that just doesn't feel like enough.
I want to believe this is a bump in the road. But it's more than a bump. We lost a lot. We will never be the couple who made it til the end without an affair. Like virginity once that is gone, it is GONE. We can try to mend but it won't go away. A scar will remain, tarnishing our history. Can I live with that?
I love him so much. I still believe we belong together. I think we make a great team. Is that enough?
Should we have separated until I got my "WHY?". Would that have made it worse or better? For who? Me or him?
I think it would have been the end of us. Does that mean anything? Shouldn't we be able to survive a separation?
I am sitting here...not typing...just thinking...and the thoughts are soo everywhere, there is nothing to write.
I am tired. Mostly tired of thinking. It just feels so wrong to have a day like yesterday...it feels all "swept under the carpet". I know he would remind me it isn't. He is going to therapy. We will fix this. Sometimes it seems like the days have flown by and then it seems like his first therapy was months ago, not 5 days and yet his next one feels weeks away, even though it's in 2 days. The road already feels so long and I am so tired. One day at a time...one day at a time.
It is still dark out. I should try to lay down. All the words are gone anyway...maybe I can sleep.
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