Yesterday was good.
Today is bad.
He has his second session today. Is my sadness/anxiety/hopeless related to that? Should I not feel more hopeful that each therapy session may bring us closer to a "why?"
I told him I feel like something is missing..is wrong...just a little off. And, duh, of course it is....but I feel like I am not getting enough from him. He is too silent. He claims he is afraid to say something that will change my mood. As if I am not constantly thinking of all of this. My brain is in in serious over fucking drive. I had a reprieve thanks to the work incident, which I will elaborate on eventually in my rambling way. If you want to skip ahead to that I put a line of *** to make it easy to scroll to.
I spend time trying to figure out what hurts most. Like it matters. Why do I need a ranking? Is that going to change something? The lies, without me having an inkling of knowing (but that's a lie, right? I did...so is that what hurts the most? Not trusting myself. His lies telling me to not trust myself?) Which lies are worse? The ones he told me? The ones he told her? Were they lies to her? He wants me to answer why he would be HERE if he wanted to be there. Isn't that proof? No it isn't. There's a million reasons why he'd be here for any other reason than that he wants to be. First on the list: He's lying to himself. Kissing her? His words to her? Going to her while I fucking worked? Spending money on HER? Getting hard for her? So many things hurt. Will a why stop that?
I need something from him. And I know what it is. And I will not tell him. Because that is cheating. If he knows what I need because I told him. He will give it to me. And I need it from a place of honesty, not a place of this is what I should do. This is what she wants. I want it from him freely. I need it to come on it's own.
All I want is honesty. And it still escapes us. His silence. What is he thinking? So much silence. He doesn't hear it. He thinks he's telling me constantly that he wants to be here, that he loves me, that he's sorry. How much is enough? Do I want too much? I need silence in my head, silence to the images and the words that run constantly ...that silence can only be achieved with his words. Not even just his actions. When he holds me and doesn't speak...the images are still there, the words screaming at me. He claims he feels constant guilt. I don't see it. Everything seems the same on the outside with him. The exact same as when he'd sit and text her, with me right here.
I re-read the entire week of texts again this morning. He thinks it's a waste of my time, that I am just hurting myself on purpose. He doesn't understand I am looking for hints as to what is true and what isn't. There aren't any. Everything he says is the same to both of us. How do I know which is true? Because he's physically here? How do I know where he is mentally? To appease him, I finally deleted the thread. Deleted her number. Because THAT is going to make the images go away...hah. I will always see her pasty, ugly face snuggled with HIS shirt. I will always see her legs at that angle, striking a "sexy" pose. I will always see her making that ridiculous duck face that he has always claimed to hate seeing people make, but somehow made her the "most beautiful, amazing woman in the world". I will see the words stating he doesn't want to be here. He wants a future with her. He can't imagine anything other than that. He wishes he met her 5 years ago...why 5? He feel so lonely. He sends her Foreigner's I want to Know What Love is...Were these feeling real? If he was so in love with her...how does it just stop? How I am I to believe he doesn't think of her?
I am naive to think I can get past this? It's been two weeks, am I wrong to think that I deserve at least as long as the affair to hurt and grieve for what I lost. His patience seems to be wearing thin to me. He claims it isn't. Am I overthinking it, wanting him to lose patience so this will just end already? And I can hate him some more...blame him fully. What is real? I don't know. I don't know truth, I don't know reality. I don't know anything.
I am tired of the roller coaster. I wonder if it would be easier to just get off...feel the pain...move on. But is that really what would happen? I would still be on a roller coaster. But I'd be on it alone. Leaving this man I love behind, because why? I am too scared to try and fail. Too scared to find out the why?
I do love him. I think that is the ONLY think I know. But I just don't know if it's enough.
His therapist is on vacation next week. That's prolonging all of this another week. I know it's a long road..if I had a tunnel, I could wait to see if there's a light...but I don't even feel like there's a tunnel...just endless tracks leading nowhere. Up and down. As far as I can see. How long can I last?
Will the why be enough? I still won't ever know if he's lying. I have already learned he is too good at it. I can't deny that. It will all be faith and trust. Is that possible?
I still believe that normal is wrong. It feels good when things feel normal. But it feels wrong. I feel like I am betraying myself allowing myself to feel normal, feel happy. My soul hurts and it deserves to grieve. My heart is shattered. My world upside down. We will never have what I THOUGHT we had. Perhaps that is a good thing. because it was a lie. He tells me it will be even better. Will it? Will better make it worse? Will better make me question if this new "perfect life" is as big of a fallacy as the old one? He tells me the why will change everything. I guess I just won't know til I know what the fucking why is...and in case you haven't noticed...patience is NOT my thing.
So I have been writing over an hour (I already finished the below the * part)...I am not sure I feel better. I don't feel worse. I want to turn today around and make it a good day. Maybe, just maybe, something in his therapy will help that happen. Maybe he can start giving me what I need, even if it's too soon for the why. Maybe I should just sleep until it's all over.
I have thought of leaving. Just not being here when he gets home. But I don't know my reasons. Are they merely manipulative? To see if he will chase me. To see if he really cares. Do I not go for fear of the answer? Never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to or you may hear something you don't want to. How long will he stay? What are his limits? Am I pushing him away to protect myself from some truth I don't want to know? Is love really worth this?
I keep thinking back to when he told me 21 years ago "I am going to take such good care of you". That sounded so good then. Now I know how unhealthy it was. I should have been taking care of myself this whole time and he should have been taking care of himself. It is so romantic to have the notion of someone taking care of you. That seems like a stupid, stupid idea now. How do I go about taking care of me? What is the best path forward from here? I guess I know it isn't what is perceived to be the least painful. My therapist taught me long ago that I often think it's "easier" to do something and was missing how hard it really was on me taking that easier way.
I'm still not quite ready for my own solo therapy. I haven't dwelled on why. It just doesn't feel right yet. But then nothing at all feels right.
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Work.
So that little cunt went to the big boss, the top of the top. And she fed him a story about how she was concerned for herself and for our Hispanic customers because of what I said to her...unprovoked...she says she asked "how are you?" and that was the start of it, I just went off.
Since I started there 4 years ago. I knew she had problems with everyone in the store. I felt kinda special that she "liked" me. We had an incident a year or two ago where she stopped speaking to me...it was all about gossip between her, another girl and my immediate supervisor. Stupid, childish stuff. Eventually I sucked it up and went to her and told her I wanted us to be friends again. I may have blogged about it. It was significant for me. I am not one to start something that could be confrontational and could end in rejection. So I was kinda surprised at myself. We hugged, we made up and things were fine. Occasionally she'd make jabs like "I guess I like you..today". She would often make comments that she hated me because of my body. But, all in all, I thought we were getting along good.
When she started in on me about being stupid and stronger than that...I didn't attack. I was calm. I was trying to educate her. Trying to make her see what others were seeing and why it was justified. Even IF it was innocent (she still won't confirm or deny) they were walking into dangerous territory that could lead to more. I tried to explain how painful it was for me to see her doing this...she was my "Rachel". This is when I said all Hispanic women made we want to punch them...a figure of speech, I even told her if the woman had been blonde, I would have felt that way about blondes. I don't know if she is truly stupid or deliberately obtuse to completely misunderstand what I was saying. I had even thrown in a "You know I love you but you have to see how this hurts me". Her demeanor had changed and she was on the defensive. Still, I was calm. Well not calm...I was becoming anxious. Not angry. Anxious. I wanted the conversation to stop but felt trapped. I felt immense relief when the supervisor showed up and literally pushed and pulled her down the aisle away from me.
This happened Thursday night. She went to the big boss Friday morning. The assistant manager(AM) texted me Friday to see when I was in again and then asked what happened. I thought that would be the end of it. I came in Saturday at 5 and ended up in her office for 45 minutes. She told me how---oops wrote her name... twisted everything around. She told me that she(AM) defended me to the big boss and knew I would be honest and she'd get the full story from me. This little bitch had went off on tangents telling every little confidence I had said to her, as well as flat out making shit up. She said I was mad about not getting the last MA promotion (I was, and told AM that I had worked through it on my own and had decided I didn't even know why I was mad, or that I even really wanted the promotion), she said I said the AM didn't like me(probably true, my insecurities make me think everyone doesn't like me), that I didn't like one of the supervisors (not true, don't know where she even got that one). And, as the AM said, she completely made it about anything but what was going on, dragging all kinds of irrelevant shit into the conversation, while somehow making herself look like a victim. The thing is she also confirmed my story. She told both the big boss and the AM that she had called me stupid and that she had called me weak.
In the end I was offered HER MA position....she's being demoted and booted back to the morning truck team, where she won't be able to follow the other supervisor around like a little puppy. This is going to happen today at the END of her shift, after the AM works her to death doing a reset in her dept. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause me great elation. I mean like laugh my ass off elation. (which does give me some pause, because I really do feel like a kinder person now and this goes against that belief of myself). Karma working so quickly and perfectly.
The AM was honest with me and told me she doesn't know that this is the right time for me to take this position but I should give it some thought. It would be working with a supervisor who really values me and that's why I gave it any thought at all. It was so nice having something to obsess over other than this fucking affair...even if I really didn't obsess over it, as I pretty much knew that there was no way that I should take this position. I thought about how nice it would be to have a full time job with benefits should this damn marriage not work. But with Dave just about to start a job with benefits, I realized I will have benefits. He can certainly pay for my benefits if we separate and a divorce can wait until an MA position opens up again. I can not imagine any scenario where being stuck working 40 hours right now is a good idea for me. With the holiday coming up I will be getting as many as hours as I could possibly want and I want the freedom to go to them and say "Nope...this isn't working. I need only 3 short days" There is, literally, only one reason to take the position and that is to be able to work with this supervisor. And, guess what? He wants me to transfer to his dept anyway, so I can still have that without the commitment of full time or the responsibilities of being an MA.
I am calling it now...the way this little bitch lies...I see her claiming sexual harassment when it doesn't work out with her married man...she will twist it around and he's going to end up in trouble. I believe the decision to demote had very little to do with me or this incident. It was just the final straw. There were questions about ever promoting her because of how she relates to other associates and her immaturity and her drama. I doubt she will see it that way and I, for once, don't really fucking care. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone else was right about her. She is a nasty person and I won't waste one more second concerned about her opinion of me or anything at all.
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