A nice change-calm and peace in this crazy timeline

 I realized that I often post about what depression feels like, because you write what you know, right? Well I just checked the last time I wrote a sadness post was a little over a year ago, right before my friend died and near the beginning of realizing how much worse this 4 years would be than the last time our nation elected this con man.

Since that time, I have continued with my reading but also experimented a bit with psychedelics. I had read a lot about their use in depression, anxiety and other trauma type mental health issues. I don't want to go into the where or how I got it or even the "trips" themselves. I didn't have an ego death or any great revelation, in fact what I enjoyed most was the church giggles. I don't know if that's a usual thing but it was definitely my favorite part. There is nothing quite like a good case of the giggles and I had a whole bunch of them each time.

I can't say for sure and for some reason I am very hesitant to give credit to those experiences but for at least the last 8 months, maybe longer I am using my son's wedding as a point in time and I know it's been since at least then I have been... I don't want to say happy... maybe content? at peace? I just have a calmness, a lack of worry. I am really living in the moment. 

I have been reading a lot of books on life after death, near death experiences, how our brains work but I have always done that so it seems unfair to give credit to that either. As I type this I want to state that I don't really spend too much time wondering why, that's part of what has changed... I am not overthinking everything. I still think... a lot... but I don't ruminate. With all of the horrible shit this country is going through, I can read about it, do what I can and move on to enjoying my day--no dwelling on it or letting it ruin my sleep.

So this post is about what it feels like to feel free from what I thought would be a lifetime of mental health issues. Do I think I will never experience depression again? I don't think about that. It's not in my control. Or should I say the parts that are I will continue doing what I am doing to control it. I still feel sadness, how can you not when you read about the horrible things being done? But I don't cling to it and run with it and let it dominate me. I haven't felt like I was in the depression well, free falling for a long time.

Many of the things I mentioned in my last sadness post still exist. I still have lots of concerns for my sister, she still needs to have her pancreas tumor checked on, she still worries about her kids. My dad still hasn't sold his house and lives practically alone. My friend didn't beat cancer and his widow is struggling to live the life he knows my friend would have wanted for him. I feel for all of them but I don't let it keep me up at night because I know can't control any of it. I can only be there to listen.

But, as usual, I got off topic. How does it feel right now? I have a cat at my feet, laying on my chaise lounge chair under an umbrella with the slightest breeze and perfect temperature. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, everything is green and beautiful and I feel peace. I feel a smile on my lips because unlike that sadness post I don't just "know" how good I have it, I feel it. I appreciate the bees hopping from flower to flower, I feel lucky that despite the nagging hip pain I've had I can still run, which I will do later today, in the wooded area that I am fortunate to have right behind my back yard. Every day we get to experience the wildlife- foxes, groundhogs, raccoons, skunks, snakes, deer, squirrels, rabbits, birds- as animal lovers, it's heaven. 

Maybe some credit goes to stoicism. I finally really understood what Epictetus means by "picking things up with the other handle". I don't know why it took me so long to get it, but now that I do there's no unseeing it. Everything has 2 ways of looking at it... pick the one that brings you the most joy or comfort or the least pain. Look for the purpose, look for what you can learn from the bad thing that happened to you. Focus on the lesson not the pain. I struggled a long time with this one. How could anything good come from the way we had to watch my mom suffer at the end? Now I can name a few things. I am certainly much more empathetic to those who are experiencing cancer or watching a loved one suffering with cancer (or really any illness), I understand how much stronger I am mentally than I ever believed I was. It also led me to the many books on the afterlife, which has brought me to a place where I don't fear death and also to learn to live a life that looks how I want it to look, not anyone else's version.

And there's Epicurus "Nothing is enough for the man whom enough is too little". For over a decade we have been living a much less materialistic life but I am not sure I really embraced it, I think I was still jealous of people who didn't watch how they spent money. Now I am so grateful that my husband and I are on the same page about what really matters. And no amount of money can buy the peace you feel when you appreciate that enough is enough. And, to be fair, we have so much more than enough so we really have nothing at all to complain about or be envious of others. 

I don't know, I feel like I still haven't done much in the way of describing how I feel. It was a little easier to describe the darkness that depression brought to me. This lightness is harder, the darkness felt like a well that I fell into with walls so smooth there was nothing to grab to stop me from falling farther and farther, it felt so hopeless. Now I just feel calm and peace, I can't think of any imagery to describe it.  Maybe because it isn't really going anywhere, it's just being right here and right here is pretty fucking great. I will just find myself sitting with a smile and a warmth in my chest and a feeling that everything is exactly as it should be. Yes even the regime and the mad king. I trust that the universe has a plan and that for everything to get better we have to get through to the MAGA holdouts and until they see him for who he is he will continue breathing. What other explanation can there be for someone so obviously unfit and unhealthy still breathing at 80? He has an unfulfilled purpose and once it's done... we can all celebrate. Dammit I digressed again. 

One other thing I have been doing more of that may be helping with the overthinking is playing games on my tablet. I think they'd be described as ASMR (did I get those letters right?) games and they are very good at silencing the voices and I am making money doing it! Over the past 6-8 months just a few hundred dollars, but hey I never made a dime playing Candy Crush! lol 

There was no real purpose for this post, it was just for me again. In case there comes a day when depression or even a prolonged sadness rears it's head, maybe I can read this and remember how I got to this content place. Though looking back over the post I am not sure I really understand how I got here. But, as I have said.... I am not overthinking it. If I only get one more day like this, it's still one day more than many people ever get. 

Things I have found helpful: 

Gratitudes- self explanatory (there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for)

Zooming out-- stepping out of your thoughts and looking at your life as if it was someone else's 

Look at the moment from the future- will whatever is happening right now even register as a blip in your memory 3 months from now? 1 year? 5 years? This has been very helpful in figuring out how much silly stuff I waste my time on

Story telling- recognizing that everything is a story, I don't really KNOW much at all, I make a lot of assumptions about why others said or did what they did and more often than not when I do find out...I was wrong about my interpretation

I recently read that even when we think we are self aware there is a limit to how self aware we can really be, our ego stops us from seeing ourselves as we really truly are...but damn if I am not going to keep pushing that limit. I think the path to peace is accepting yourself as you are but to do that you have to know who you are.

 

 

DJT is proof of a higher power

 What?? How can that be possible?

Over the past few years my spiritual beliefs have been getting stronger and stronger. Every now and then I get epiphanies that I feel confirm my beliefs. I am not here to try to persuade anyone. My hope is that you have something to believe in because I think we should all take the time to look inward and figure out what we believe as far as how we fit into this universe. I am going to try to not be too wordy but to express my beliefs and how I think they fit into my claim in the title.

I don't believe in life and death. What?? I believe in "energy", "souls" --whatever you want to call it. I believe this energy has been and will always be. I believe our bodies contain that energy for whatever period of time we exist here on earth. Some things I haven't cemented into my beliefs are-- I want to believe that this energy is always "good". Clearly you see why that is a tough one. There are so many humans who make this a tough argument to make. And I have had some theories like that we (words and pronouns can get really confusing try to bear with me) we, as in our human forms, are comprised of this loving, good energy (kind of goes along with what many religions say as far as god is in us all, etc) but we also have the "ego" or the "personality" that makes us us. I think some of us bury that energy so deep that the good is impossible to see. We let the ego own us. We become just the ego. It's kind of like the images you've seen of a good angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, only I believe that devil is our ego, our human identity. The good angel is that loving energy. So someone like DJT has such a narcissistic identity that you'd be hard pressed to ever find that loving energy but I do believe it is there. 

I think our energies have all the knowledge of the universe but it doesn't want us to have access to it in our human form. I think there are people that have accessed it. I have read a bunch of books on Near Death Experiences and this is where a lot of my beliefs have come from. Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander isn't a book about heaven at all, it's not even a religious book. It's one man's account of how he came close to death and it changed his entire belief system. He's a neurosurgeon. He thoroughly details how the things he experienced can't be explained by science or the medical community. I am currently reading another book he wrote called Living in a Mindful Universe. It's years out from his NDE and he has done fascinating research talking with others like him. I think even the biggest skeptic could be convinced that we don't die when our bodies die. He discusses consciousness in some very interesting ways. He thinks of the brain as a sort of filter that only allows us to experience a certain level of consciousness of our energy form. But that sometimes that filter is damaged during a NDE and once you have the knowledge you retain it. 

Of course many say we want to believe these things to make ourselves feel better about death and that's most definitely a benefit to believing. But I have spent the years since my mom's death learning to accept death and that we all die. and trying to use that knowledge to better whatever remaining time I have left. That's the stoics whole Memento Mori in a nutshell. Think about your death so you can remember to live better. I haven't been afraid to die and interestingly enough haven't had suicidal thoughts since my mom's death. Reading about NDE's has absolutely made it easier to not fear dying. The accounts of the "after" life sound incredible and this is across different cultures.. accounts are very similar no matter what your background is, or how old or young you are. That said... I also LOVE life. Not something I have always been able to say and even now in these so called unprecedented times I am still very glad to be here and don't really want to check out the most assuredly better life after this human form one. I have found a peace that doesn't budge much anymore. Even with the crazy shit we are dealing with nationally or with the sucky ass flu I have had for the past 2 weeks. I am content. Truly content. Which I assure you is so much better than happy, which can be fleeting. I accept things as they are and even believe they are as they should be. That there is a purpose for most of what we are dealt in our human life form. I know a lot of people don't want to hear that. They think things like cancer or Renee Good's death are horrible and that trying to see a reason is justifying it. They aren't the same thing. I can see a purpose without necessarily liking it. It reminds of the story of the farmer--let me see if I can find it to link to it. This is the story that pretty much precipitated this post, despite the fact that I read it quite a while ago, it just popped in my head as an epiphany that led to the title of my blog.  https://mindfulness.com/mindful-living/are-these-bad-times-or-good-times-the-story-of-the-zen-farmer

I keep talking to the universe (or God if that's your thing) and I start out saying I want this all to stop. The "all" being the destruction that DJT is reaping not just here but in the world. But as I "pray" I remember that it isn't for me to decide what is good or bad for the world. And I have been doing this for months each time forgetting that I can't be praying for him to be gone-either impeached or finally dying. It isn't up to me and that I should have faith that what is best is what will be. (I feel like I sound so woo woo when I talk like this!) So I end up starting by pleading for an end to this turmoil so I can be truly at peace, not just in my personal day to day life and I end up realizing that it sounds like I am not trusting the process (or the universe). FINALLY this week I found a way to shut myself up... I remembered the Chinese farmer story. I can NOT know if DJT being POTUS is a good or bad thing so how can I pray for his presidency to end already-maybe we NEED it to continue?

Did I lose you? Of course his presidency is bad what the hell could I be thinking? Yes it certainly SEEMS bad now. But what if I look at it like that farmer and shrug and say is it? What possible ways might it be good? 

Well clearly his first presidency wasn't enough to make many of us see who he was and what his intentions were. So we kinda needed him to get reelected, otherwise all that bullshit the first time would have been for nothing. At a year in he still has more support than makes any kind of sense, which validates my argument that he is still needed and that the universe sees that. He has changed many minds with his blatant corruption, greed, power grabs and general stupidity but still many MAGA cling to him. We can't have real change in this country until that number dwindles more. It will never be zero, hell it probably won't go below 25%. But when enough people have had enough we may finally get a country to be proud of. 

And I might add this isn't an attack just on the GOP, I believe that we needed to see how horribly the Democrats would respond so that we could demand better from them and demand better candidate. Mamdani is the good that came as a direct result of DJT. We could not have elected him if not for DJT and the Democrats shitty response to his attacks on our Constitution.  

Only a higher power could see what we needed to get to a better place not just in our country but also the world. So how does DJT prove this higher power exists?

Have you seen the man? His weight? His diet? His past drug use? His cankles? His hands? His clearly deteriorating mental health? He should be dead. I can't think of why someone like my 66 year old friend who was in much better physical condition is dead and this thing isn't. There are so many examples of people who should be alive and aren't while he continues somehow living despite his best attempts to kill himself with diet, no exercise and horrible sleep hygiene. Clearly he has a purpose that he has not served yet. I believe that purpose is to Make America Great...he just has no idea of what his role actually is. It is to open our minds and to focus our energies (not the inner kind) on taking our country back from the rich. WE THE PEOPLE are the answer, we were 250 years ago and we are today. Once we get to that magic 3.5% I think the universe will finally put that raging, whining bag of baby shit out of our collective miseries. 

And someday, my hope..no my belief is that we will look back and realize he was good for our country because if he hadn't come along when he did we may have ended up with someone younger, smarter and with actual charisma and they would have had years to accomplish what he couldn't. Remember Hitler didn't succeed the first time, if he had been old and decrepit like DJT he would have never gotten the second chance he needed.

DJT was the perfect man for the universe to bestow upon us. His long history of failure was exactly what we needed. The universe knew he wouldn't succeed and it gave us the foreshadowing so if we could just zoom out, we could see that he was a good thing, the perfect answer to changing the hearts of our nation...and the world...exposing the rich and greedy by making the dumbest, least successful one the leader of the free world. 

So I trust that when his job is done so will he be. And a generation will be safe against a threat like him because unfortunately people don't learn from history and it will repeat itself unless the universe steps in and gives a gentle vision into what our future would be if we kept standing idly by and not stopping the wannabe king.