I am not sure we can make it through this.
I now know what it feels like to be on the other side of depression...except I am not just on the other side...I still deal with my own.
I don't think I am strong enough.
He dealt with me for so many years, I feel I owe it to him to try.
At the same time knowing I will fail.
Guess that marathon training is coming in handy again....one mile at a time, one day at a time...that's all I can bear to think about. Today.
I will try to make it through today ...make it without voicing my insecurities, deal with my own mental issues alone. I have no one to talk to.
The cruise made that a reality.
** My mother wanted us all (me and my sister and them) to go on an Alaskan cruise for their 50th anniversary. I had so many trepidations about it when I thought my life was perfect...then when the rug was ripped out from under me with Dave quitting his job abruptly and me finding out he's going through God knows what, I was really worried about how the cruise would go. Thankfully our friends went with us, they saved the day. My mother reminded me that I was living a lie pretending like she isn't the selfish person I always claim that she is. She showed her true colors. I wasted thousands and thousands of dollars, going somewhere I'd already been, somewhere I didn't want to go, with people who I knew would make the trip a nightmare. Surprisingly my relationship with my sister survived but didn't improve, so she isn't someone I can talk to either(edit after the fact, if you read this sis I am sorry if this hurts you but it's sadly true, thank you for listening yesterday, it did help). Dave had panic attacks onboard...one of which he kept from me resulting in yet another lie of omission causing a huge fight that left me questioning my entire future. So, yeah, not exactly a vacation to remember fondly.**
Dave is dealing with his issues his way...which is who knows what. The whole fallout left me wondering if he wants to be here and he couldn't answer...he let me go to work sick to my stomach and an emotional wreck while he worked on figuring it out. Just left me hanging. I got angry and told him he needed to have it figured out by the time I got home or I'd make the choice for him. He texted me at the end of my shift and supposedly wants to spend forever with me. Needless to say I question how he came to that decision in just a few hours when he couldn't say that for the previous few days.
He said something along the lines of he doesn't know why he couldn't just say it, maybe he wanted me to be left hanging....well isn't that lovely?
So we have been acting as if all is well. Living as usual but of course the doubt is there but one of his reasons why he was unsure was that he didn't want to live with my doubt, so obviously I am afraid to even act the least bit worried.
I try not to walk on eggshells, but how can I not?
He claims his hesitation was due to thinking I will never trust him again and therefore we will never be happy again. Instead of just not lying anymore, it seems he'd be ok with throwing the past 21 years away rather than stop lying. He claims his lies are to protect me, to not hurt me. Then he claims he doesn't know if we should stay together because he wants to protect me from getting hurt again. Missing the fact that us not being together hurts me and the oh so obvious...don't lie to protect me, when your lies are what are hurting me. The lies have all been stupid (with the exception of the 2013 lie about secretly emailing his former coworker). So why not just stop lying?
Do I believe he can stop lying? Probably not. He has a wall. Why I'm supposed to let my walls down when he won't let his down is beyond me. He claims he doesn't think about things. I don't know how other people's minds work. But having an empty sounds great but highly unlikely.
His most recent description is he feels like he's in a fog.
I overthink. It's the most annoying thing in the world. I think FOR other people. And I am usually wrong. This has been proven many times over and I think finally I am starting to realize that what I think people think is a crock of shit. They are NOT thinking that.
I think he's still hung up on this whole career thing. He's 46, still doesn't have a clue what he wants to do. And believe me, I have listed every fucking occupation in the world and he has an issue with every one of them. He claims money doesn't matter to him. I am not so sure I believe that. Well, maybe he doesn't think it does, that could be true. But the things he wants require money...I don't think he will ever truly be happy unless he is living near the beach and that just ain't gonna happen with our finances. Maybe in a shack, get rid of the parrots, probably the cats, too. MAYBE we could afford a place big enough for the two of us. Then maybe he would feel content.
I hate uncertainty. I am not spontaneous. I do not like surprises. I want to know every thing. This is the hardest part for me.
I can't plan anything not knowing what will happen to our relationship. I can't plan what to do about my job. I like part time, I like no responsibilities. But if I am going to be on my own, I need full time and should kiss ass to try to get my promotion back. I know I will stay here..in California, but I have no idea where I will live--apartment? cheap condo? How much money will he take? How much should I let him take?
Had to stop that post....want to add...no I will not ass kiss...not my nature....the plan is sell itall and live cheaply. I don't care if I work or don't, but get the cheapest place possible so I don't HABE to work where ass kissing is necessary.
Still not feeling secure.feeling more alone and ever more sure that we will be lucky to make it to our anniversary.
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