Christmas--thank god it's over

So yeah..short and simple...it sucked.

I got a great gift from my bff...way too generous, so I have some feelings about whether I deserve such generosity. But that's on me. I am grateful for the hours spent with him and his hubby, otherwise the whole day would have been miserable.

I will say it wasn't for lack of trying on either of our parts. I did try really hard to stop thinking about the past.

Something happened that triggered me focussing on his lying. And my inability to know when he is and when he isn't. I may blog about it later but this was just meant to let you know I'm fine...well I'm ok...maybe not ok... but I'll live...that's probably the best I can do for today. One day at a time.

Surprise...I'm still crazy

I don't know if I am lying to myself or if this roller coaster is real--do I really go up and down like this?

I FEEL like I believe what I am saying/feeling/writing at the time but then I have these days where nothing I say to myself will stop me from feeling like I will never stop crying.

Nothing will ever change what he did to me. No amount of understanding. No amount of crying. No amount of screaming. No amount of anything....he will have ALWAYS been weak. He will have always been untrue.

I think his therapist believes it is all about aging. He apparently frequently says things that makes the therapist believe he isn't dealing well with aging and the prospect of death on the horizon.

So we get to be a cliche. Mid life crisis makes stupid husband trash 20 years of happiness. Oh but then he realizes his error and wife is supposed to just move forward.

I think you all can see by now how fucked up my mind is.

I don't know how I was so able to put my boyfriend actually fucking another woman--probably on the same fucking day even--behind me so easily and I can't stop thinking about this stupid cunt who only kissed him.

I think it's 2 things. One I was a pitiful, weak, self loathing girl back then and I never even loved that guy. Now I know I deserve better and I believed this man was better, I wasn't shocked or even surprised to be cheated on by the douchebag but THIS this is just so hard to take. I love this man with all my heart. I let down every fucking wall and opened myself up to be hurt like this.

I'm still stuck in that place: it hurts to be here and I don't want to be without him. Part of me wishes he did leave. I would love to envision him with her and her 10 and 12 year old...what a Christmas he would have...10 more years with kids. He thinks getting old in THIS life sucked...how about being a dad again?? That's what he deserves. A miserable fucking life. I would love his greying years to be filled with true regret...see how fucking happy that makes him. That's the part I love best about my ex. My son tells me all of the time how miserable he is with his second wife. And yes my evil ass loves it!

And those are the thoughts I have to deal with. Not really wanting that. All I really want is for this to have never happened. That's what I REALLY want. And it's never going to happen. It's not about trusting again. It's not about whether he will lie again. He can NOT undo what he did. And I really still don't see any way for him to ever make up for it. The cherry is popped...he broke our vows. That is not the marriage I wanted. How am I supposed to be ok with that?

Time heals all wounds. What if my hatred for him destroys the love I have for him before my wounds are healed? I know...I am still back to waiting it out. There's a chance love will win. And if it doesn't so I wasted a few months trying. It's my only fucking option. Fucking stay and try. Wake up every morning with that bitch's face the first thing I see. And pretend like everything is going to be ok, when I have no fucking idea if it will.

I tried to stop this. I went and got a haircut--almost ask to be a blonde. Then I went shopping. Trying so hard to distract myself. Wanting to buy him things for Christmas, to show how much I love him...all the while hating him. Tried to buy him a Christmas card...HA....To my wonderful loving husband who always been there for me....well except those couple months when your dick felt old and you needed some whore to make you feel special....they just don't make those cards...

I feel like if I don't "treat him right" he'll stop loving me but I sometimes I just CAN'T do it....I can't make myself care that he needs to feel my love. I am fucking here...dying a little more every day and that is going to have to be enough and if it's not? Well fuck him...let him go find some stupid whore to fulfill his fucking ego. I am barely hanging on....yes music lyric quote...

And there you have it....that's how I feel today... I have been fighting it since I woke up on my birthday, 2 days ago. He was off the past 2 days and provided a better distraction that I can be to myself and I was able to keep it at bay---well except for those few moments in the grocery store while he waited at the meat counter...it was all I could do not to sit down in the middle of the store and just start crying...but I didn't! Yay me! (insert eye roll here!)

Here's the part where I tell you how strong I am and everything is going to be fine....because that's what I have to tell myself...one fucking day at a time....

17 days left in this year...please let them be enough to let me have EVERY day in 2018 be a good day. Or at least allow me to learn to lie to myself better.

A new perspective

Gonna try to make this my fastest post yet, as today is my birthday and hubby is at a work meeting and will be back soon!

On December 9th....around midnight....which I didn't realize until later the next day (relevance to follow)...I had a change in my way of thinking.

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after having played some Candy Crush and solitaire (a few days ago my hormonal sleep disturbances have resurfaced, I had been falling asleep around 10:30 or 11 but it's starting to inch back to my 1 and 2 am insomnia). I still was having trouble falling asleep after an hour of playing when I just suddenly thought: I could have lost him forever.

I mean I must have thought that at some point but it just became so clear: I could have lost him.

I have spent so much time being hurt and angry and confused and crying and screaming and being numb and trying to decide whether life would be less painful with or without him in it--it never dawned on me that it wasn't just about what I wanted.

When I confronted him that night...October 9th..around midnight...EXACTLY 2 months prior
...he could have just said "You caught me, thank God, now I can go be with her" and left.

I would be going through all of this alone. Never to have him in my life again. I would have lost him.

I have insisted to him that he stopped loving me because he couldn't have done this AND loved me. He argued and denied and then admitted it was hard to say but he understood why that must be true. But I was wrong...I still have no idea why or how he could do this to me..to us....but he never stopped loving me. He always wanted me. I may never know what the hell she gave him that he thought he needed or why he sought it out, or even if it was sought out...but I know he chose to stay.

It has been a really hard 2 months for me, but also for him. And he stays.

I don't want to lose him. I know that. I still had doubts about if I could live WITH him and this. But I now know I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. I know I will still have insecurities and moments of doubt (already have--but it feels different, it isn't as hard to argue with myself that I am being overly cautious, reading things that aren't there-- and I will still ask him for reassurance, he owes me that).

I feel calmer inside. Surer.

I didn't lose him. Not forever. A couple months he wasn't all mine. But his heart did still belong to me.

We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok.

Don't think I won't be vigilant in making sure this doesn't happen again. The one fear I have is the next time my gut tells me he's cheating that it won't matter what he says, because he so easily lied right to my face when confronted...it's harder to prove something isn't happening. Had I not found those texts I know he'd still be lying. He seems to think I can't know that it would still be going on, but I don't see how he was ever going to stop it on his own, no matter what he thinks he wanted. It was not headed that way, not anytime soon. I don't know how he will be able to prove my gut is wrong. He says we will figure it out, I don't know. Hopefully my gut isn't as paranoid as the rest of me and since he won't ever do this again, we won't have to test it out.

It feels like I have been going through this for years and it's been 2 short (HA!) months....I am hoping with this new perspective that the rage will be gone, the pitiful sobbing will be done and healing will begin and we can spend the rest of our lives loving each other and only each other.

And, yes, I began wearing my rings again. I will keep my vow til death do us part...for better and for worse, may the worst be behind us.

Just checking in

It's been 2 weeks since my last post, so I thought I owed you an update.

I haven't felt like writing because by the time I have time to write I have already moved to a different hill on this rollercoaster that is my life. Or maybe a valley.

I have had some REALLY bad days. And some pretty good ones.

Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions, they show me I am wrong.

I had my first hormonal depression...which turned into a screaming, rage filled mess.  I was right...depression is better than the hurt and pain. And that is really fucking sad. Because depression fucking sucks. I went through every damn emotion that week...but I survived.

The bad seems to be shorter. The rages less rageful. The hurt slightly less painful. This week.  Last week that's another story. Time spent in front of the toilet, wanting to vomit from the dreadful amount of snot streaming from my nose and down my throat like a broken spigot. Sobbing hysterical, hating myself for allowing anyone to let me feel this way. Throat sore from screaming with the outrage and confusion over how he could do this to us.

He takes it well. Sometimes he says the wrong thing and I go off worse, but mostly he holds me and comforts me and sometimes cries with me, apologizing and hating himself as much as I hate him.

Why am I so empathetic? I hate hurting him. How stupid is that? How did I ever come to love him so much? Why did I stop protecting myself? Will it be worth it? Will I regret ever loving him this much or can we actually grow stronger?

My heart still believes. My brain thinks I am a fool. Some days I can see a future filled with happiness again. I can see myself trusting him--don't I already? I am so quick to believe. I credit our long history, that has to be why. It is impossible that he faked his happiness and love for me for 20 years. He has been through so much with me and always been there. I know I was not easy to live with.

Our vows promised for better or for worse. There was no stipulation that if one of us broke them the other could too. I am trying to get through the worse. I still am not confident I can. I decided to stop wearing my wedding rings--the original and the renewal--almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't feel like he deserved that pledge anymore and I wanted to hurt him. Instead he says he understands. I will wear them again when I think I can be true to our vows. That I won't do something stupid to lash out at him. That I will remain through the worse. It just doesn't feel right to wear them now.

Today I searched online for a support group. That backfired colossally. Misery does not, in fact, love company. When you are feeling bad reading others equally painful, sad stories doesn't necessarily help. Yet here I am sharing. Maybe mine can help someone? Reading one woman's story--her husband blaming a midlife crisis for a 2 year affair. At least he came clean to her. But he used the same excuse. He felt trapped in the affair. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to find out. He tried to end it but the other woman threatened to tell (the one story my cheater didn't use). It made me realize that I can't know how long this would have continued without MY intervention. His texts contradict his claim to wanting to end it. How long would it have gone on? Would he still be seeing her? Would he still be out of work? My birthday is right around the corner...what lies would he have written in my birthday card? Would he have eventually slept with her? He tells me living in what ifs isn't helpful...yeah, I know that.....it also wasn't helpful to out relationship for you to break our vows. So pardon me if I have some lapses and dwell on shit I should "put behind me, so we can move forward". Pardon me if her face still haunts me. Pardon me for all the questions that can never be answered.

And so here I am...I guess a little further in the healing process. This weekend I am allowing (is that the right word?) my best friend to come confront him alone. I want us all to spend Christmas together. I want to be happy. I want to put this behind me. I want 2018 to be great...every day. I know that is way too high of a goal...but fuck it! I am optimistic now, remember?

I like to think I have control of how I feel and that I simply can state every day will be a good day. But today is a classic example of it just not being that easy.

I get a thought in my head and nothing will stop it. He came home on his lunch break and after 30 minutes of reassurances I did feel better. I want to be able to do that for myself. And I do a lot of the times, but sometimes I just get so tired of fighting the fight. But I am always left with the same 2 choices...life with him or life without him....and I really want life with him....without the pain.

I'd be lying to you--and God knows I fucking hate liars-- if I didn't say I considered the third choice. It truly seems to be the only one that takes all the pain away....for me. But I just can't be that selfish. I am not a quitter. I can do this...one way or the other...no third choice allowed.

And so I still take it day by day...or hour by hour. Whatever I can handle.

One day happiness won't be the trigger for a need to remember the hurt. We had a great night last night visiting Robolights (google it and check it out). We had fun stealing kisses inside some of the enclosed exhibits and just walking around looking at the freaky "art". It was a beautiful night with a warm Santa Ana wind. And it felt so nice...so I had to wake up and wreck that good feeling. One day I will stop doing that, I will allow myself to be ok with feeling happy and things feeling normal....and God I hope it doesn't lead to him taking that as a license to hurt me again.

Thankful post

Believe it or not I have a lot to be thankful for. (the hard part is believing that I know that I do, not that I actually do).

And that is what I am most thankful for.

I am so thankful that finally I can stop looking for the bad in my life, that I can stop my negative thoughts and point them towards the positive. I can not overstate how important this is for me.

I have written blogs over the past few years expressing my surprise at my "new found" optimism.
Yet until this...what's the proper adjective? Shocking? event took place, I still didn't realize the depth of how much I have changed.

This could have, should have, would have...shattered me. I would have drowned in self pity, dove into the darkness of depression, let it consume me until I had no will to live.

It's been a little over 6 weeks. That's more than enough time for a hormonal flux that would have put me into a sadness or depression without a reason. And yet here I sit not having had one moment of true depression, not one suicidal passing thought in the past 6 weeks. That's not to say I haven't had some hormonal sadness, differentiated by wanting to cry and not knowing why, it's not to say I haven't suffered immense hurt and pain...wanting to cry, and actually giving in and having soul wrenching sob sessions. But I have not been depressed.

For those of you who have never experienced depression and think it's being sad. It's not. I think I can better define what depression is for me because of these last several weeks. Depression (for me) is a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't need a cause. Doesn't need a reason. It's just a darkness and emptiness that takes over, not just your mind, but your body. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to think anything. You just don't want to be. And that's not to say you want to be dead. It's different. I have been really depressed and not suicidal. And on the other hand I have thought I was perfectly fine and had a suicidal thought..just a quick little "Why not end it all? Drive into that wall" It shocks me and I wonder where it came from. I haven't had ANY of this in 6 weeks. I haven't even been tempted to TRY to be depressed, which sounds even more strange. Why would you try to be depressed? There are times when I enjoy (not quite the right word but it gets the point across) being in that pit of depression. Certainly I don't know why I would, it's horrible. But I know there are times when I just want to be left alone and let it overtake me. That's probably the depression wooing me and that's why it can't win when I am not already depressed. It can't even call to me. It's so far away from where I am right now.

Part of me hopes that all of the things I have learned about myself and learning how many people are there for me has "cured" me. That I will never experience depression again. Wouldn't that be great? Still probably not worth the hurt and pain of the past month and a half (does that give you an idea of the pain? I would rather still get depressed for the rest of my life sporadically than to have learned that my husband could cheat on me. And as I write it, I know that it is true. I would give anything to have had him never have done this--even a life filled with depression).  I know it probably isn't realistic to think I won't ever be depressed again but there's that optimistic side hoping it could be true.

So what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for the loyal men in my life: Michael, Ray and Andrew. They love me unconditionally and will always be here for me, never even needing to resist the temptation to stray, because they won't even BE tempted. They will always be here in my corner, supporting me!

I am thankful the many friends (many of who also are my family) who have reached out to me to reassure me that they have always been there and that they will always be there. Friends that I thought were casual taking the time to be sure I knew that I was important to them...I may only keep about 100 friends on facebook, but nearly all of them are true, real friends. I am so thankful for each of them.

I am thankful for the 20 good years I had with Dave, without those years, our relationship could never hope to survive this. I rely on those memories, that love, to reassure me that my gut will prove to be true and that he will prove himself to be the man I have always believed him to be. This will all have been a horrible, terrible series of mistakes that he will never forget or repeat.

I am thankful for my health-- both mentally and physically.

I am thankful to be living in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Enjoying a warm (hot) day filled with sunshine and palm trees.

I am thankful for a job that I no longer hate. I'd rather not be working on this holiday, but I am thankful that I don't dread going in. Even knowing how crazy it's gonna be, it's just a few weeks out of the year and then the calmness will return and I can go back to mindlessly folding clothes.

I am thankful for this venue to express myself. I am still on a roller coaster but the good days are better and the bad days not as bad. You can see that by fewer posts recently. I hope to one day resume my regular random rambling blog and be done with these overly personal posts. Back to raging about our moronic president!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and take time to find the things you are thankful for. May they far exceed the things that irritate or annoy you!

Denial is over

So I guess denial is over. I just refused to believe he could do this to me. To us. Not him, anyone but him. And though I ran the images of them together through my head millions of times...reread the texts that are emblazoned in my memory over and over. It still wasn't real.

I had some bad days then 2 good days and then I thought I was ready to move on. I put our pictures back up. I was ready to let him fix this. And then I don't know what happened. I woke up thinking I wanted to find the first card he had given me and then I started thinking (uh oh) would reading all those words he used to write to me sound too much like what he wrote to her? Would it make things worse? Would it make it harder to believe him? And I fell apart.

We were supposed to hike. And so we did. I spent the better part of 2 hours and 4 and 1/2 miles crying, screaming or hyperventilating or just stomping up hills. The whole time wanting not to be doing that. Wanting to know what happened to my good days. Where was this coming from?

We ran some chores and then came home and had lunch. I headed up to nap...screaming and crying is fucking exhausting. But instead of falling asleep I started sobbing hysterically. I don't think I have cried like that since the first few hours after finding out. I could not calm myself down. I could not stop. He heard me and came and held me. I so want to believe we can get through this.

The night was a little calmer. We went to bed early both of us physically and emotionally drained.

He had to work today. I woke up feeling ok. I actually slept fairly well and for a LONG (any time I woke up I was able to fall right back asleep) time.

Sitting around, trying to figure out what to do...but still so tired. I decide to go lay down. I am laying there not thinking about much and BOOM....here it comes again. Hysterical sobbing...no one here to calm me down...I can't calm myself down. I think about how to make this stop. I know leaving won't end it. I want to run. Not run like exercise...run like far away...in my mind I keep seeing myself heading north...why? I don't wanna go north. I don't know where I'd go. What do I think is better somewhere else than here? I then think maybe a road trip alone to the Grand Canyon would be fun. I have the next 2 days off. But I still sob uncontrollably. I know leaving isn't the answer. I want to believe he is sincere in wanting to fix this. I want to believe he can. I know part of that is me letting him. I want to tell my bff to make sure if he ever does this to me again that he will not let me give him any more chances. I don't trust myself to not keep letting him hurt me. I feel like if there was a next time I wouldn't have any love left for him to even want to stay. I can see why people wouldn't try. I would not be here if not for the love I finally allowed myself to feel and give. I gave him my all. That's what hurts --- he does not deserve a second chance. He chose to risk it, he should lose it. But what about me?? I can not cut my nose off to spite my face. I just can't. I still believe in us. I believe he lost his way. I believe he may even have stopped caring what happened to us, but I also believe he has realized he was wrong. This was a huge wake up call for him. He does want to be here. He is here. I have to let him try to fix this.

But I no longer deny that he did it. That I was wrong. He is capable of this. And right now I believe he could/would do it again. I believe he knows why and doesn't want to face it. And if he doesn't know why--well every day that gets us further from the day he started down the path of actively choosing to risk our marriage, not once but for months and months...every day is a day further from him ever finding out why and how he could do this...and that means a certain end to me giving him a chance. Because I will never be able to lie to myself and say he won't do this again if we don't know why he did it now.

Denial is over. He is capable of this. He did this. He can do it again.

Now on to acceptance....and maybe, just maybe I can start to heal.

The not blog blog

I was planning on just writing some thoughts, not an actual blog....so it was written somewhere else and I will paste it here.. I was all over the place again today and when I sat to write I had no idea where it would go....I thought I could take things day by day...but I guess in reality I should stick with hour by hour.

So tired of being all over the place….

so tired of not knowing what is real.

Today I realized I feel manipulated. 

That’s what his lies did…they manipulated me. 

He knows the truth would have led to me not trusting him and the demise of our relationship so he lied…to make sure that wouldn’t happen…that is manipulation.

He told me he talked to his therapist about a hypothetical I threw at him…what would he do if a female coworker is crying in the break room? 

The therapist says he should ask her what’s wrong …get involved….which is what leads him to be a cheater…but the therapist says he needs to tell me about it. And tell me how it makes him feel to help people. He realizes it gives him a euphoria (his word) to help a damsel in distress (my words)….that scares the shit out of me….how is going to give that up? It’s like a drug….one of my friends who has been cheated on private messaged me saying this very thing…..it’s like a fucking drug….how the fuck can I believe he can stop it?

He claims he will be more conscious of his actions. He will discuss all of these types of interactions…he stated this like some kind of magical breakthrough….forgetting we discussed this same shit 4 years ago with Holly…..he promised then to be more open….he promised then not to lie.. we discussed communicating inappropriate feelings THEN….why is this suddenly new and going to be different this time?? 

Some days…no that’s not true….some hours…I can’t see a way out of this. I can’t see a reason to ever believe he will be honest with me…why should he be? He knows I am gullible and will buy anything he says…

It seems so much easier to end it now. How I wish I didn’t love him….sometimes I wish I never met him…I already was married to a liar and a cheater….one I went eyes wide open into….what the hell would be the difference if I had just stayed there? So I had some happy years….but I don’t even know that they were real. I suppose if I was happy it was real for me….so why do I just feel like a fool? How could I be happy if my partner wasn’t?….I don’t know what I am trying to say…

I guess I just don’t trust anything anymore…I don’t trust memories. I don’t even trust his actions. What was for me and what was to manipulate me? 

How do I believe he never did this before? 

How do I believe he won’t do it again? How long till he stops being “conscious” of his actions?

Is it my job to start to doubt when things feel good again? Or will he really be feeling good with me? Will he be able to recognize whatever it was that led to this and stop it?

When to leap?

It feels like I haven't written in a while....it's been 3 days!

I don't have much to say (so this will probably be the longest post ever, right??).

I had the weekend off and spent most of it distracted with my friends (thanks guys!!)...Pride Weekend!! Lots of food, some drinks (mmmm strawberry lemonade and vodka!) and just relaxing.

Meanwhile Dave was finishing up his first week (6 days in a row!) of work.
I seemed to do ok with that.

Then Monday came. I thought I was ok...he seems to think I was putting off a "hopeless about our future" vibe. I thought I was feeling about the same....not great but not as hopeless as that one day.
But then we went to the grocery store. Watching him interact with the female employees just made something click in me. It all seemed so harmless. Just like when he introduced me to Rachel the first time. Just like when he said "You saw her, she's not attractive"... I realized ...what?. What did I realize?...I guess it's the control thing....obviously he can't sit at home all day the rest of our lives....it's the way he interacts with people...women...he's so damn friendly and it SEEMS so innocent...until it's not. I have no control over what happens when I am not there. And no way of knowing the truth. His lies are so good. His facade nearly perfect. I mean there were days when he cracked and made me doubt our future. And he looked like shit. But his lies told me that was all "something fogging my head". I thought it was a depression of sorts. Some kind of Manopause. Will he be able to use those lies again or find new ones to cover his tracks? I AM NEVER LYING TO YOU AGAIN....that's his response to those questions...he's so sure, when he has no idea why he did it in the first place. Lying to himself with his confidence, because he can't know.

He still is in denial that anything would have ever happened 4 years ago with Holly. I am more sure than ever that it would have. I question how he can be honest with me when he can't even be honest with himself. I remind him that he probably would have said the same thing about Rachel. ....This was different, he claims. NO...it was EXACTLY the same. I don't know Holly, I don't know what her response would have been to his flirtatious comment...maybe she isn't a whore who thinks it's ok to have inappropriate conversations with a married man...so maybe that's why it would have stopped..or if she had written back, encouraging him...why would it have not ended up the same? He says something lame about the distance. I remind him, that for him, it isn't about a physical relationship. He probably would have been just as content to not go meet Rachel...not kiss her. What if she would have wanted sex? Would he have denied it to her? For how long? Our friend started an affair over long distance...one that ended his marriage....it most certainly could have developed into an emotional affair and who knows what afterwards.

I found out today that her birthday was in August. He claims he did nothing to celebrate it. No gift. No card. No poem. Nothing. Didn't go see her. That sounds bizarre. The man I know goes out of his way to make you feel special on your special day. Why would he just glaze over her special day? He loved her more than me, couldn't imagine a future without her in it....they are words he wrote to her. Lies, I guess. Because nothing adds up. If he really felt that way about her, he would have had to do something on her birthday. Minimally a poem. Over the years I have had scavenger hunts, hand crafted gifts....always something from the heart. He says it never even dawned on him to do anything. Is there a chance it really was nothing....I mean it had to be something....to risk everything for it. And she was upset...of course she was...how can she believe his lies when he is so blase about her birthday. EVERY man knows how important that is....they always at least pretend!

Last night, I imagined what new vows might sound like: I promise to never have empathy for another woman in a difficult relationship. I promise to never have conversations with women about their personal lives. I promise to stop trying to save women. Will that really remove the temptation? Can he turn away from someone in need? I ran all of this by him. I feel like it's too much to ask. Doesn't it strip him of who he is? I can't even imagine him telling someone who's upset, maybe crying, about how horrible their husband is "Sorry I am an addict and I can't talk to you about this without starting an emotional affair" I mean, of course, he wouldn't say that but what do you say? I don't see him being able to stop someone from confiding in him. IT JUST HAPPENS!!!

Can a relationship survive if one person won't let the other have plutonic friendships with someone of the opposite sex? Can MY relationship survive if I do?

I feel myself so close to giving in. He is so convincing that he loves me, wants only me. He is so sure that this is exactly where he wants to be...And I want to let go...let this all be done...move toward the happy future...no more pain, no more anger....all love.....I want that so bad. But my heart tells me it isn't time yet. I deserve my answers and shouldn't be too happy before then. Can heal a little, but not too much. One part of me screams "Oh fuck it...you are gonna hurt whether you hold back now or go all in if it turns out he's wrong, if we end up apart...so just fucking go all in....hurt is hurt...it won't hurt less by holding back now...." Is that true? Why am I holding back? Is it out of some sense of what people would think? Do I think there's some magic amount of time that should lapse before forgiveness is allowed, before I can be happy all the time again? Or is that little voice reminding me that perfect is bad...when I think things are perfect they are only perfect for me...perfect gives him permission to fuck it up...he hates perfect. He likes THIS. Needy, unsure me. I don't know...but I guess as long as I don't think it's time...then it must not be time. I'll hang on the edge today...maybe tomorrow I will leap...but not today.

Thoughts on a post marriage life ...should it happen that way

Got a message from a friend...another one who thought we had the perfect relationship. She's single and was gonna update her dating profile but now questions whether it's worth it. My advice ...stay in the game...have fun...don't get serious.


It got me thinking...but then doesn't everything?

I remember the very first time my heart was broken...even before I ever had a boyfriend. Just not having a boyfriend and watching my sister cycle through boys-- as early as 2nd grade they flocked to her...that was heart breaking. I remember thinking and even telling friends. I am going to use guys. One day I will figure out how to make them fall for me and I will hurt them. I will never fall for them. Just use and dispose. I was a bit bitter....years of being a "four eyed, red headed sped and freckle faced geek" will do that to you.

I thought I never actually did that....but I suppose in hindsight it looks like I did. My first boyfriend became my first fiance and I was pretty horrible to him. He wasn't completely blameless but still...I dumped him...twice. Then there was my  first
husband..god knows he deserved everything he got...but in the end the tally card ended with me hurting him more.

Now this. The beginning years of our relationship were tough. I was a mental mess. But, as I have said, I have come a long way. And I have searched long and and then even longer for a reason why I deserved this. What did she give him that I wasn't giving him? The answer is nothing---all she was was someone different..nothing I can do about that. Why he needed something different remains to be seen.

But the point of this post isn't any of that....it's where would I go from here if I didn't stay..or if it doesn't work?

I would most definitely get back out there...and I'd have fun. Love certainly doesn't interest me. If he couldn't be faithful and loyal, I don't really believe anyone can be. Doesn't mean I want to sit home alone. I'd like to say I'd go out and break some hearts, but I guess I really just don't have that mean streak anymore. It may happen inadvertently but I wouldn't set out to do it. I am sure I may run into a man or two that would want to settle down and it ain't gonna happen. I'd probably have some ground rules about length of time dating and most certainly length of other things....if ya know what I mean...ain't nobody got time to waste on shitty sex--too many fish in the sea!

I think the whole dating thing could be fun, as long as I went into it knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Just fun and sex. Love is far too painful when it fails and the failure rate is way too high. I don't have the patience for it. If this relationship didn't have a 21 year history, I would have booted his ass out the first night. For 21 years he showed me a man that I thought was perfect, showed me a love that had to be real...that should count for something. But if it had been 5 years...pfft...whatever...if you can't be faithful for 5 years it ain't worth saving.

I am pushing 50. I don't have the energy to start a new 20 year relationship. Nothing I start now would ever mean what this one has meant...so why bother? Fun, that's the way to go. I have at least 10 years of fun and sex left in me and then I'll settle in to one of my many hobbies and entertain myself that way.

Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer the life I once dreamed of but if that doesn't happen, my future is far from lonely. Look out men (and maybe some ladies too!!) I may be coming for you!!

Anxiety...blah!

Since he started his new job Tuesday, I have gotten some sleep. I still wake up after 4 hours of sleeping, usually around 3 am and then have a tough time getting back to sleep. But with him at work I am staying in bed til 9. When he's here it's harder for me to sleep past 6 or 7...I don't know why.

I am still so tired. I guess 3 weeks of not sleeping will do that to you. A few times I have had a solid 6 hours when I take an Ambien, but one, I don't want to keep taking them and two, 6 hours isn't enough for me. Guess I just have to be patient with this too.

Today I woke up anxious.

Anxiety sucks.

The peri menopause has given me many days with anxiety with no cause. Obviously now there's reasons to be anxious. I can't separate the two. Is this just hormonal anxiety?

I sit here telling myself I prefer anger to anxiety. But I don't know if that's true. Anxiety certainly feels worse. But anger is detrimental to healing our relationship.

It's day 3 of the month. I want to be optimistic. Anxiety makes that hard. The good news is I am not allowing myself to follow the thought paths the anxiety would like me to. I truly believe he won't contact her. I truly believe he doesn't want to.

We discussed my worries about him discovering he doesn't love me and that the books and therapy will reveal that. He says he hasn't felt that way at all, can't even see how that would happen.

I have decided it is probably best to stop trying to read the books. I wanted to read them so we could discuss them together. I wanted to read them for him. I find them depressing. That makes no sense. They are books designed to help. I think it's because I see him in a new light. It's almost like it was with Marcos (the coworker who killed himself). I didn't see it. Seeing him as someone with low self esteem, someone who is codependent...it's new to me. And I wonder how I missed it. It makes me question his motives. Everything I thought was being done from a place of love...was it really just him being codependent? The need to take care of someone...anyone...it wasn't about loving ME...just about taking care of someone...not ME....I could be anyone...the "love" was about my neediness, not loving me as a person.... He doesn't think so. He hasn't learned much yet. He may learn otherwise.

I now know I am worthy of love for who I am, not just a problem to be fixed. I am kind, caring, loving, smart, funny (I stand by my belief that this is my best quality--he seems to think I think I am funnier than I actually am...but I crack myself up and that's all that really matters!!), and even I suppose attractive. I am even trying to love my brain. I don't want to hate or resent any part of myself anymore. I have decided to embrace my overthinking and applaud it and give it credit for getting me where I am....all this thinking led me to see that I am worthy. This brain taught me how to be strong. This brain was smart enough to shut up that first week and smart enough to start thinking again to keep me from focusing my energy on useless thoughts. It starts to go there...but it stops. It is an exhausting brain but it serves me well. It knows to make me blog and my anxiety level has already decreased...seeping away, almost unnoticed, as I type words. My brain heals me. My thoughts can hurt me, but they choose not to. It's how I will get through the next several months. It will keep me sane when my patience begs to give up and quit trying to make this work.

I know what he learns about himself is completely out of my control. Is that the source of my anxiety today? Or is it related to going to work? I was anxious Wednesday when I was supposed to close. I had ended up going in early (on barely 4 hours of sleep) missing my much needed afternoon nap...the anxiety was so bad, I got a headache and was nauseous. I ended up leaving after 4 hours. I don't like closing shifts now that he is working days. I don't want to go all day without seeing him and then spend just an hour with him before bed. Why? I don't think he's going to do anything while I am work. I really don't. So why?? I just don't know. But that could be the problem today. He's coming home on his lunch break but still the idea of me being at work while he's here...ugh it just makes me crazy. It seems like it needs to be about trust...but it really feels like it isn't. Not about her anyway. maybe just that he will be here alone and like it better....and then I will get home and he won't be here? I don't know. Feels like him getting a job is the same thing. Now he has a source of income...he couldn't leave before...now he can....stupid. Or not? Do I really like my brain?? (it's smart enough to see that it's time to stop writing!!)

Well...the anxiety seems to have subsided so I am going to try to make the most of the day before I head to work....Not leaving early...even if the heart palpitations start ....I will stick it through. It's just 6 hours...I can do it.

More smiles, less tears

It's a new month. And today I feel really good. I woke up at 3:30, probably awake for an hour but not with any bad thoughts. He woke up to pee and said "I am so sorry I hurt you". The past 2 days he's finally gotten it. On Halloween we had another conversation about him not hurting. I flat out told him "I love you" means, literally, nothing to me. He said that how many times...while telling her the same thing. Those words mean nothing. I suppose ALL words mean nothing. But if I have to hear words, the words I want to hear are "I am sorry". I think this time he gets it. I don't think I really said anything new, other than that "I love you" hurts more than helps. But he gets it this time. In my heart I know he loves me. I don't need to hear that. In my heart I am still not so sure he hurts like I do. The past 2 days have been different. Watching TV and a storyline is about an affair...he says he's sorry....he understands that that's where my head goes--and his does too. Now I know. Before it felt like he was oblivious. He hid it or it wasn't there. When he speaks, I know. I suppose he could just be saying what he now knows I want to hear, but it's still a helluva lot better than hearing nothing.

Over the weekend the song I Can't Make You Love Me popped in my head. We were in bed and it started a stream of tears. It made me feel helpless. And the truth is none of us can make anyone do anything...including love us. He either loves me or he doesn't. Right now I know he THINKS he does, but I am still so scared that through therapy he may realize he doesn't. And I can't do anything about that. He either does or he doesn't. I can't love him so much that that will make him love me. Once again...I have no control. That's kinda the way love is, right? It isn't something controlled.
I keep thinking about the song he shared with her I Want To Know What Love Is. Does he yet? Does he know what love is? I do. I loved everything about him. Every single thing. Of course now I don't....I don't love whatever made him do this. I hope it turns out to be a self esteem thing, a mid life crisis. Something solveable. Not that he doesn't love me. Can I hurt more? I think I can't. But that's because I have the hope that we can get through this. But if he doesn't love me? Well....that's it. And that will hurt worse. All new questions will arise...did he ever love me...when did he stop loving me...I suppose it's pointless to go down that road right now.

He's been forcing me to look into his eyes while he apologizes...I see what I have always seen. Love. I see sorrow for what he has done to us. But I saw that love while he texted another--I saw that sorrow during the fight (when he admitted he lied to me on the cruise about his 2nd panic attack) when he couldn't tell me he wanted to make our marriage work. What was that sorrow then? That he WANTED to leave...or that he didn't know how to stop the affair or ...god knows what

He still can't answer the when. I feel like he should know whether he loved her while we celebrated our anniversary. Wouldn't you remember feeling like the biggest hypocrite and piece of shit celebrating our love while telling another woman you loved her? He's "pretty sure" it was still just friends then. I am pretty sure I'd like him to really figure it out. Does it matter now? He claims he was thinking of ways to re propose..possibly on our anniversary..wouldn't he know if he was loving another woman while planning this? He claims he even thought of doing it on the cruise....was that before he loved another woman or while he loved her? Why would he want to do that while with her? He claims he decided our 20th would be a better time...so he was planning on being here in 4 years while loving her? (Or was that BEFORE he loved her?) Does that mean anything? Does that mean he was just lying to her? Did he really never want to leave? Does he even know? Will he ever figure it out?


I want to believe him so badly. I guess I don't trust that he isn't lying to himself. He's making me believe that he believes it...I see the love, I feel the love...I feel the regret. But...is he lying to himself, thinking he's telling me the truth?

I can't make him love me. I can't make him be truthful--to me or himself. I can't make him do anything. I hope his therapist can. Or the self help books. Something.

When he apologizes he does it while trashing himself. I told him that's not what I want. I want to hear the sorry's and I want the truth...if that's what he's thinking then yes tell me...but I don't WANT him to feel that way. The path to our happiness is him learning to love himself (if it turns out to be a self esteem thing) Trash talking himself is not going to fix this. I try to get him to see the difference between what he DID and who he IS. He did something bad that doesn't mean he IS bad. I want the truth of him thinking that, if he is but I want him to see that it isn't healthy and work on finding a way to stop thinking that. He can stop thinking he is bad and still feel sorry about what he did.

I had our love story written. It was a story of fate bringing together two soulmates and them having a long, happy, perfect life together. Sure there were tiny obstacles to overcome together but it was never about questioning their love and loyalty to each other. My story didn't include ever loving anyone else. It was always just the two of us. It wasn't written in stone, it wasn't written anywhere other than my heart and head. The story has changed but that doesn't mean the ending can't be the same. I have to accept that it is unwritten. I can't predict the path to that happy ending. I can't will it to be. It will unfold slowly and I must be patient. The happy ending I want is worth the wait and although I can't control it or make it happen, it's ok to stick around and see if it will materialize. All I can do is have faith.

Did you catch the subtle references to songs? I wasn't even trying...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten" George Michael "Faith"   What would life be like without songs? They pick us up, they let us cry with them and they make us dance when we need to forget it all.

Today I choose to dance. Life is short. This is hard, but my family has something much worse going on right now...an aunt just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, tumors throughout her whole body. I may hurt, but I will live. I choose to embrace life and with the start of a new month, I want to focus on living and loving and singing and dancing. I know I will have setbacks but today I choose optimism that the future will bring more smiles and less tears!

No..it didn't JUST happen....

So it's been days since I blogged...other than yesterday about that stupid cunt calling. (I'd apologize for my language, but if you are still reading you are probably way past caring about my potty mouth).

The weekend was rough. I feel good today, so it's hard to get back into that head space but a few things stand out.

I mentioned once that something seems "off". I kinda figured out what that was. He was whistling during dinner when it hit me. He may THINK he hurts like I hurt, but I ain't whistling...

So I came to one of two conclusions:

A) He isn't hurting nearly as bad as I am or at all for that matter

OR

B) He is still lying to me/himself by projecting this carefree attitude.

Obviously neither one of them was sitting well with me.

So I confronted him with my thoughts. I got angry. Because he tries to deny he's lying. We go through the same ole same ole...I want you to be honest with how you are feeling....if you are hurt you are most definitely NOT showing me that. If you are sorry I don't see or feel it. He says he tells me. Literally less than once a day do I hear the words I am sorry. He says by holding me, he's telling me. I explain again how my brain works...silence is the enemy ...holding me is not enough...I don't know what he's thinking when he's holding me....he could be thinking "It would be so much easier to be with Rachel" "Why am I here?" "Will she ever get over this?" I don't know WHAT he is thinking if he's quiet. Him with the excuses...always so many excuses...it seems so simple to me. TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING...BE HONEST...why is that so hard? I accept that it may be hard for him to just start opening up...but does he REALLY want to save our marriage because THIS is what I need.

Day one goes well...he is saying what he is thinking...he texts me random texts that let me know he is sorry, he is hurting....YES...that is what I need.

Day two... a little less...I grow frustrated again...sure the books/therapists would say you need to ask for what you need...it isn't quite the same if I am asking all damn day....why isn't one good, long conversation enough? Perhaps this is how little he thinks of it...in which case...no, he doesn't understand that I am in nearly constant pain. My brain barely giving me any time to think of anything else.
Days since...well we shall see....sure there was a note before he left for work telling me he is sorry...will that be the last time he feels that way today??

Saturday or Sunday, I don't remember...I have a decent night sleep and wake thinking surely I will feel better now, but still I am in this mood. This hopeless mood.

At some point we have the It Just Happened conversation again.

I try to explain in great detail that THAT is not an acceptable statement. That statement gives me no hope for our future. How am I to believe it won't happen again when he takes NO responsibility for it happening in the first place. I explain that "It just happened" means he could walk out the front door look into some random person's eyes and BOOM he's helpless to control it...it just happens....he falls in love with her....He could be at the deli and exchange a glance and "It just happens"...IT DIDN"T JUST FUCKING HAPPEN. It didn't go from "Oh gee you have cute parrots" to "sure stick your tongue in my mouth because I love you sooo much and as soon as you leave your wife we can live happily ever after"....somewhere in there he KNEW he was treading on dangerous territory and he CHOSE to continue forward...it DID NOT just fucking happen....

I explained he's lying to himself to think otherwise and we will not make it if he doesn't stop with the bullshit. He tries to excuse it as just a phrase people use...I will not let him excuse his way out....Not gonna happen....IF we are ever to work the excuses have to stop...the lies to me, to himself....have to stop.

I think he may finally understand and believe that it did NOT just happen. This isn't a fucking fairy tale...it wasn't destiny or fate ...he wasn't a helpless victim to circumstance.

It is imperative that he gets that. He can not find an answer to a question he won't even ask. WHY DID IT HAPPEN?? the answer is NOT "It just did" "I don't know" there is a reason...or we are done.
I will not go through this again. EVER.

There are so many 3 letter sentences that I am tired of hearing..."I don't know" "I don't remember" "It just happened" and one that I can't hear enough "I am sorry". I hear "I love you", he doesn't understand that that isn't enough...he loved me while he cheated...it means nothing...just like getting married twice means nothing....why renew them if you couldn't live them?

I have a conversation about how he can never say he loves me more than I love him...it was something we always did...tried to come up with the best sentence proving we loved the other more..."I love you more than the number of stars in the sky" ..."Well, I love you more than the number of ALL the stars in all of the universes"....I don't want to ever hear he loves me more again...he never will. How many times was I propositioned? How many times tempted by a persistent man? NEVER did I stop being loyal. He claims this started so innocent...well how strong is his love if she wasn't even pursuing him and he faltered? She wasn't coming on to him...she wasn't pursuing him...HE did this.... He actually tries to argue with me...How?? How can he try to make any claim that he loves me as much as I love him? Is he truly that clueless? He compares our marriage to others claiming ours is still better....even though those marriages have not had infidelities (that we know of)....no..no our marriage is not something to be held up as an example to follow....please....be serious...open your eyes....we had an illusion. If it was real....something went terribly wrong, shortly after our 16th wedding anniversary....what happened that you went from "I never properly proposed, I should do it again right" to "I am broken, Rachel....save me from this lonely life"?? You say you didn't feel that way...what made you tell those lies to her...to yourself...all the while lying to me, when I repeatedly gave you opportunities to come clean...specifically mentioning HER at the very least 3 times.

His therapist is on vacation this week...just a delay in getting an answer....how long will it take? How many more of these "episodes" can he handle? I sense his frustration he says "I am trying so hard." "I can't do anything right" those words come so easily...how long til he breaks? How much more can I take?

And now he knows she's waiting. I think he finally believes that I know her better than he does. One insecure woman to another.... I know her. He can't explain why she called...because he doesn't know her. I explain I THOUGHT I knew him...21 years and I was wrong...he's known her a few MONTHS and thinks he knows her..HA! I know her. She wants to hear those words again. She wants to feel his love. He's so good at that...he knows what to say to a lonely, insecure woman...not so much to a hurt, angry strong woman. After our talk he kept saying "I am sorry I broke you" I had to correct him at least twice, maybe 3 times..."You did not break ME, you broke US" I am not broken. I am better than I have ever been. I have learned what I have become...silently, slowly...a stronger woman.

I am here fighting because I love him. The reality is we may not make it. I can chose to take the chance that our love is real and there is something in him that he can fix (as I fixed myself) so we can be stronger than ever and we will end up together. Or maybe I am wrong, he will hurt me again. If I leave now I lose him. If he hurts me again I lose him. I choose to stay and fight because he may not know he is worth it...but I do. I will not spite myself by giving up just to spare myself some hurt when the reward could be a lifetime with this imperfect, but perfect for me, man.

The call changed my mood. For the better. I felt a weight off my shoulder. I know it's weird. Welcome to my way of thinking. I KNEW she would call. Again my instinct right...giving me hope that this instinct I have about us is right. We will make it through. I feel myself at the edge of the cliff. I know I am capable of jumping...jumping with faith and trust that he will catch me and hold me forever and cherish the love that I have given so freely and completely. Not yet. It is too soon. I still want/need/deserve my answers. But I know I have the capacity to trust him completely again. When/if he ever proves he deserves it.

I treated myself to a massage today...and even got talked into (hah--she only had to ask!) a facial and a foot scrub. I enjoyed it more than I ever have. Often I wondered why I get massages, I'd be so tense with a stranger touching me. Why? Today I felt...safe?...deserving? I'm not sure...but I allowed myself to just go with it. The most relaxing massage I have ever had. She kept telling me I was a "beautiful woman"...compliments so uncomfortable for me, usually...I just kept smiling and thanking her. I like this new me. This me I have been but didn't want to acknowledge.

Ballsy little whore

Real quick....more details tomorrow when I have all day to write (change in plans, he's gonna watch some TV, so I can finish now)


She called him today.
I saw it as a missed call. I had deleted her contact but I recognized the first few digits, confirmed it with a screenshot I have and when he got back inside told him she called.

He was shocked. Me, not so much....I don't remember what I shared regarding the texts I made him send. Basically I was trying to find out if she would take him back. He kinda blew it with the first text proving it was him. And the follow up I made him send was a 180 from the one he wrote himself. It said he was really unhappy, things were much worse and there was no way he was staying but he was going to go to therapy to "try" to make it look like he tried. He wanted her reassurance that she'd be there for him. He didn't think she'd buy it. I wasn't so sure. I have been waiting for her to try to reach him. He was so sure it was over...we could put the past behind us. My gut said otherwise...BINGO...right again...so I actually was pretty happy with this development. The past few days have been shit, no time to blog but I will try to remember what was going on in my head and share tomorrow (after my much deserved massage!!).

I made him call her back... Not on speaker. There was a lot of Hello, can you hear me? and finally he just says "What's up?"...I can hear her tone, but not really any words. She doesn't sound angry, it's a lot of "I thought I'd hear from you, just want to know what's going on. Are you ok? Wasn't sure it was you texting me?" etc. So I dunno, correct me if I am wrong, sounds like someone is hoping, praying that perhaps that last text had some truth. She waits 2 weeks to call....the text said "I'm going to give therapy a couple of weeks". She couldn't wait anymore..it's been 3 weeks since she heard his voice, saw him, got any texts. She was waiting. Wanting to believe all of the lies he fed her. That he loved her more, that he couldn't picture a future without her.

His first words to her question "How are you?" were "I am working on my marriage!" Kind of with an exasperation like..you aren't helping. She didn't hear that. She just kept going. He kept repeating it adding he's going to therapy. She's still going on and on...I hear her say "I am here for you"...these aren't words from a woman who is moving on, who gets that she isn't wanted. She still loves him....she wants to believe that last text.

It's been way too many minutes...I hold up my hand and do a count down from 5...he nods, he understands...he isn't really doing any talking but to me his listening is sending the wrong message. They will be there for each other still, to commiserate about their miserable lonely lives. I have had enough..I stand up and head for the phone...he is abrupt, cuts her off (as he should have without my insistence) "Rachel, I have to go"...he says her voice instantly changed...I couldn't hear it...my thoughts were on what I was going to say when I got that phone....he says he could hear that she got it...I have doubts. I expect there may be a call in the future. I wish this was completely over. I wish he had said "don't call me ever again"....the fact that she responded to my texts makes me think she still thinks there's hope. The way she acted like I was the one contacting her first...like maybe I was phishing and didn't KNOW she had called him. Maybe expecting he will call her in a day or two and tell her all of things she wants to hear. He thinks if the phone call didn't do it that the texts did...I don't know....time will tell. I feel a closure knowing I don't know much, but I do know insecure women and I nailed this... I know what I would be doing...rereading those texts trying to figure out if he was sending me a coded message. Wondering how long I would have to wait but sure he would come to me...sure that he couldn't be with such an angry, vicious bitch and he would come to me..the loving, gentle one. Replaying the conversation...maybe he wasn't able to reveal his true feelings because that bitch was sitting there....holding on to that hope. I think he should have texted her after our text exchange...telling her to delete him and forget him. He thinks it isn't necessary..I told him if she calls again or texts again....no more beating around the bush.....destroy the cunt.


I waited over an hour...and texted her from my phone. Stupid copy/paste not working...hang on...

You poor, pitiful cunt....3 weeks? That's how long your dignity lasted?? Let me be clear...you need to delete "David" from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There was never anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

Calling him David...even though he hates that...why did he let her do that??

There were some deliberate references to a text she had sent me...the restraining order...telling me to focus my crazy, psycho energy on my marriage.

I gave it a 25% chance she would respond. He was sure she wouldn't. I reminded him he was sure of a lot of things about her and so far I'm batting 1000, him not so much.

She replied...damn, I really thought she would be smarter than that.

Although I am forgetting you and David you seem to think of me a lot I'll forget about you if you stop pulling me into your life work on your marriage leave me the hell alone none of your name claiing means anything to me ... good luck

Poor punctuation is all hers...not a bright one in any way.

Of course I wasn't going to let THAT go...

You called him...you started this again...YOU need to let it go. It is fucking OVER for you. Go find another husband since obviously no single man wants you.

I let that sit for a bit and then felt compelled to add:

Perhaps if I send you a youtube video of Let It Go..you may understand a little better? Since songs seem to be your primary means of communication??

I doubt she figured out I was calling her stupid...but hey...I haven't heard back.

And so the soap opera continues....

You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

Some breakthroughs about myself

HAH! You thought you were gonna make it through the day without hearing from me, didn't you??

It started out rough...woke at 4 am to pee and that was it...can't blame the cat today. I did NOT want to get up, so I laid in bed, playing on my phone, hoping for my eyes to become heavy and my brain to shut up....Finally tried to fall asleep about 5:15. Dave woke to pee and must have sensed I was awake. He rubbed my back off and on for a bit and I finally fell asleep. Not long after I awoke from a nightmare... a guy was in my back seat (I drive a 2 seater, so even in my dream, this seemed bizarre) and was trying to get me to pullover so he could rape me....I just kept driving hoping to get somewhere where there were people, but it was pretty desolate and I finally woke up when he got more aggressive about me pulling over. I fell back asleep fairly quickly, only to be woken up by another nightmare...something about Dave and Rachel still texting after all that's been going on...got out of that nightmare fast, so I don't even really know what they were texting, if it was starting it up again or just final goodbyes. Fell asleep til about 7:30 and finally gave up.

It was a beautiful morning, we went for a run around 9, came back had breakfast and decided it wasn't too soon for a nap. We both slept about an hour and a half.

Then off to get a haircut. I was feeling ok...and switching radio stations to try to find something upbeat to keep my mood up. But...I Want To Know What Love Is was on...I quickly turned it off. It was a song he shared with her...specifically discussing how the last line was so meaningful --- let me refresh your memory: Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.
And then anxiety....almost had to turn around and come home. Talked myself down. He told me he didn't feel lonely then...or now...and he still doesn't now why---it just happened.

Sitting in the chair, getting my hair cut...I tear up...don't remember why....try to change the subject in my head...few minutes later I start thinking about my bff and tearing up, feeling horrible that I doubted, even for a second, that he wouldn't be there for me. He has been so amazing. His heart as big as I knew it was...don't tell anyone...he cherishes his reputation that he is a complete asshole.

Then I had some real moments of clarity. I wanted to write it down to remember. By the time I got home, they were gone. Just brief snippets of what I had been thinking. I let my mind relax and they came back to me, somewhat.

First. I have had a lot of trouble reconciling how someone who loves someone like he claims to love me, could ALSO love someone else and how they could repeatedly do this for three months. My moment of clarity showed me that it was possible, unfortunately the reasoning behind how it's possible hasn't come back to me yet. But I remember thinking it was a valid and logical explanation. So I hope to have that thought again.

Second. Was about me. I keep claiming this has nothing to do with me and that I KNOW that. But, of course, there is doubt. And, as I have said, some part of me wants to be responsible..to give ME the ability to change, to be in control of something. If I had a role, I can fix it...if I didn't it's out of my hands. I know some of you may disagree with me here. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I sometimes put on an act in front of friends or family, where I act like I wear the pants, I come across as bossy and a bit of a bitch to live with. I am not like that at all at home. As I have said, I have spent the last several years trying to be a better wife..a better person. And I have been successful. I have changed my role in this relationship to be more giving, more caring and he acknowledges that. This was NOT my fault at all. Sure I had a pretty long depressive episode. Would you be ok with a husband having an emotional affair if his wife had cancer? Well, same thing applies here. It's an illness...it's in the vows..sickness and health, better or worse....THIS IS SO ON HIM!!

I am here to say that I can no longer play myself off as a victim, someone deserving empathy for a childhood full of bullying. Claim to have low self esteem. Sure, I have moments. But the majority of the last, who knows how many years, I have felt worthy of his love. I have felt confidence in myself. I look at my assets and downplay my flaws. My clarity showed me this. It allowed me to see that the reason I am here is NOT because of low self esteem and thinking I can't have better or that I deserve this. I am here because I love him. The only way I can make it through the tough times ahead is because I have enough self esteem to believe in myself to handle it. I can even state that he doesn't deserve me. And he doesn't as the person he is now. But that doesn't mean he can't improve himself to be worthy. I felt bad feeling that way, telling him that. Because if this IS about his self esteem, I shouldn't be piling onto the problem by telling him he doesn't deserve me. But it is true. I deserve better than a liar and a cheater. I told him I believe he can be better. I trust his strength to find the reasons why he feels so shitty about himself and fix it. I have confidence in him that he will find out why he did this. He can become the man I deserve and we can have a good life together again....forever this time. No more pain. Because I don't deserve to be in a relationship that hurts me. I still don't believe either of us can be happy without a valid reason why he did this. I will never be able to trust him and I deserve a relationship with trust and he doesn't deserve to have a partner who never believes him--if we don't get an answer, that would be our future and that is a dismal future and no way to live. So I do still have some doubt if we can get through. Because I do have some doubt that he can figure out why. But I am also full of hope. Hope that we can. And peace knowing I will be ok, either way. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with THIS man....but I will be ok if it doesn't come to that.

Realizing why I am here has given me renewed strength and hope. I was so afraid I was staying for the wrong reasons: Fear of the unknown --thinking I was settling for less than I deserve. Today made me realize, I can falter and try to blame myself or think I deserved it but the reality is my self esteem is in such a good place now that even this seismic, mind boggling blow to what I believed to be a perfect life can't sway my confidence in myself. I am the strong woman so many people thought I was. It wasn't an act. I "faked  it til you make it" and it turns out I will be just fine.

Just Another Day, Another Blog

Tired of reading?

I am tired of writing.

I am tired of waking up before the sun.

I am tired of the hurt and doubt.

I am tired.

Blame this one on the cat. She loves to vomit around 5 am.

I stayed in bed til 6:30 and then gave up.

I guess this is why I know it's smart to not work more hours. I need the days off so I can at least nap.
My naps still ridiculously short.

The overthinking. That's what is killing me.

Think. Think. Think....so tired of thinking.

I claim I am impatient. It's been 2 1/2 weeks...of course I am not going to get a why any time soon.
Of course, I should still not trust. Of course, it should still hurt.

I hate uncertainty..I may have mentioned that a dozen times or so. If I had a timeframe it would help.
That marathon training would come in handy. I'd know if I was half way there...a quarter way....I'd be able to give my brain something to shoot for...the next marker, so to speak. "If you make it another week, you will only have X weeks to go". But I have nothing. No guarantee that there will be an end and even worse no guarantee that if there is an end there will be relief. It could just lead to more pain, new pain...re-opening whatever part of the wound has healed.

He says he's sure we will make it through. Sure the why won't lead to our end. Sure he wants to be here and that his love for me is the right kind of love. I don't doubt his love. I wrote about it before...he "loves" everyone. His confidence doesn't sound as strong as I think he thinks it does. Any sign of weakness on his part screams at me to run. He has to be more than sure. And the intelligent part of me knows this is impossible...Death and taxes the only sure things in life.

He didn't like hearing that yesterday (and the day before) my mornings were filled with 0% confidence this was going to work. He insisted it had to be more than 0 or why was I still here? I suppose he's right...it had to be more than 0. But it feels like 0.

I re-read the poem I wrote and want to feel that sure again. But my mind just keeps rehashing every single moment of our 21 years...questioning where he was in his mind during those happy memories. Were they real? Were there other emotional affairs that I will never know about? He claims it was all real and there weren't. He is a liar. He has been a liar probably as long as I have known him. He still can't accept that. He says he does but he qualifies it. I point out how far back the lies go and he tries to be dismissive. Still in denial of who he is. Wondering why I question if I really do know him.
There is no reason to be honest about the past, I have no way of discovering if he was lying. Proof of past indiscretions long gone, if there were any. He lies to protect me (in reality, himself)...why would he tell the truth now? It would hurt me (him). And he knows there is no way I could ever catch him in these lies. "If you really feel that way, why are you here?" frustration and impatience in his voice...

How can HE feel frustrated? How can HE be impatient? HE DID THIS!

I try to make comparisons to what my ex did. Waiting for him to reach that point when it's no longer his fault for doing this..but mine for not "letting it go". That's not fair. That doesn't help us.

I can pretend this is the same. It is not. When I found out about my ex cheating, I remember my first thoughts...almost 30 damn years and I remember EXACTLY how I felt. "I will do ANYTHING to not lose him" Immediately I felt that way. Not out of love. Out of desperation. Back then, all I knew was that I wanted to get married. And he was the only way to make that happen. I was ugly. I had no positive thoughts about myself. I was smart. Smart women don't attract men. He was my only chance...not at happiness...but at marriage. I really didn't care about anything but not ending up a "spinster". Pitiful.

It is different this time. My thoughts were scrambled when I read those texts. I ran upstairs...heart racing, skin tingling with fear, anxiety....and I wanted him to tell me I read them wrong. I don't know how I thought he would explain it, but all I wanted to hear was that I was wrong.

I wanted him gone. I threw him out so many times. But I gave him no way to leave. I wouldn't give his phone back, told him he couldn't have a car. Told him to leave the credit card and bank card. And just walk. Hours later I regretted all of that. Because now I thought he stayed because...how was he to leave? On foot..at 1 in the morning? Where was he to go? I told him I was wrong. And told him to go again. He's still here. Did I wonder this past Monday when he hadn't texted me at 11:30...an hour after his session started..if he wasn't coming back? Yes....I did. It was momentary...the real definition, not his definition.

He tried to use the words "momentary lapse" last night to describe this affair---I went on a little tirade about that. Ok...maybe a long one and not so much a tirade as a story...My anger level didn't reach rage proportions as it has. I explained "momentary" means lasting less than a minute. I described how he picked that phone up time and time again to text her inappropriate things...sometimes sitting right next to me. Sometimes walking in an Alaskan town, surrounded by friends and family. And time and time again made the CHOICE to do the wrong thing. The CHOICE to hurt me. I described him standing at the garage door, waving good bye to me, while thinking about how soon he could get to her. Actively going upstairs, showering..knowing it was for her...to see her...picking out clothes to get dressed to go see her...taking one of his shirts to give her...putting his key in the ignition and backing out of OUR driveway to see HER, putting his tongue in her mouth...All of these actions requiring conscious thought. Each a moment for him to realize he could stop this. Each choice knowing it was hurting me, hurting us. This was not A momentary lapse....this was THREE months of actively, consciously choosing to hurt me. Don't tell me it was a momen fucking tary lapse....PLEASE.

And this is when I wonder...can I really get past this? Not when he tries to minimize it. No. No. I will not allow it. My ex did that. Not this time, motherfucker. I will not allow it.

I think I can get past it if the why is legit. If the why comes soon enough. And if I ever think he actually GETS what he did. He destroyed it all. All of our memories. How can I think anything was real, when this last vacation seemed no different than every other good one we had?
He suggested we forget it all and just start making new memories, if that's what I need to do.

That's part of the problem. I want our past to stay the happy past I thought it was. I am afraid if we move on and he does this again...I will hate him. I will lose all of it. All of the good times. Half of my life will have been a total waste and total lie. A full fledged regret. No child to stop me from saying "This was a complete mistake". With my ex, I can't say that...I have to qualify it with "Well I wouldn't have had this amazing kid"...with Dave...there will be nothing....just wasted time on a man I never knew. A complete fraud. I can't bear for it to come to that.

That thinking is useless. Is that why I am avoiding going to therapy? I don't want someone telling me not to think like that. Telling me it is harmful. I already know that. So why am I doing it? Why do so many questions end in "why's" with no answers? Can't one damn why have an answer?

He is still sleeping. That still makes me crazy. Not so much that he CAN sleep, but that he claims he isn't sleeping...Bitch, you are sleeping WAY more than I am. Stop lying to yourself. You may not be sleeping well, but you weren't when you were cheating and guess what THAT was another chance to say "Hey, why am I doing this, not just to her, but to me?" "How is this helping me? It is hurting me"

I cling to that. That the pain he put himself through did not outweigh those pleasures. I think there's something in there. There has to be. Like a person who cuts themselves. Why do they do that? It hurts. It scars. Where is the pleasure? Were stolen kisses and gushy words worth the weight loss, the sleepless nights? Why did he want to hurt himself? He had the power to stop..even if it meant leaving me...why not make it stop?

Why don't I make this pain stop? I think if someone told me, promised me, swore on everything....that I would have NO MORE PAIN...not one more second if I left right now. I would do it. But, the reality is I will still be in pain. And I will lose this man I love with ALL...every single fucking ounce...of my heart. And that is where the real difference is between now and my ex. Love.

I am a different person. I know men find me attractive. I know I am funny. I love my quirks. I know I can give love and affection. I know I am strong. I am way more confident.

This isn't about desperation. I want to be with him. I want him to be the man I have always thought he was. Just more flawed than I realized. I want this to be explainable and "cureable".

I also want the pain to end.

I don't want to put a timetable on it.

But I still yearn for something to strive for. A timetable would give me that. I don't want it to take so long that I forget that I need a why. I don't want life to go back to what it was, to only be repeated again. Even if he stays in therapy, if there's no why....it can happen again. He could lie to his therapist. But what's a reasonable time? 3 months too short? 6 months too long? I know...one day at a time. God, that's hard.

I am so glad he has another session Thursday. To have missed all of next week would have killed me.
Prolonging the agony. Each session, whether true or not, seems closer to a why. It has to be closer...it certainly isn't further.

I am trying not to test him. I know I would if I thought of a way to do it. I want there to be a something out there that he knows and see if he keeps it from me to protect me. I feel like he has already done that with a text he received from his sister. She doesn't think our personal business should be out there for everyone to see...this blog, I assume is what she is talking about. He didn't bother mentioning that bit from her text, but mentioned everything else. Keeping it from me? Thought he told me? Didn't think it was important? Or thought it would "hurt" me? Which is it?

As for his sister...as with any and all Trump supporters...her judgement is obviously horrible and her opinion means less than nothing. This blog is my control. It's my grip on sanity. It is mine to do with as I want. And no one can take that away from me. I will write it as long as I need it....even if one day I look and see that not a single person is still reading it. I will write...because although sometimes it doesn't seem to help me...the reality is, it does. And it's so much cheaper than therapy!! :P

Tired and scared

I think I would pay any amount of money to sleep 8 hours...I miss sleeping til 9. I no longer am up until 1 or 2 am playing solitaire...too tired by the time I go to bed at 11 or 12. But I can't seem to get past 6 hours of sleep.

I had started to feel slightly better before bed last night.
I woke up thinking I was feeling the same.

I tried to read some more of the self esteem book and it just started increasing my level of hopelessness.

As sure as I was when I discovered this affair that we belonged together. Yesterday began the (apparently unshakeable) feeling that we won't make it through this.  I was feeling 100% sure we wouldn't yesterday and as the day progressed I felt a tiny bit better. Here it comes again.

I feel like one or both of us may discover we aren't where we belong.

I am trying to figure out where this feeling is coming from.

Is it impatience waiting for a why?

Am I trying to protect myself by thinking I want out before he reaches that conclusion?

What do I REALLY believe?

Sometimes I think he doesn't deserve me.

Sometimes I think I am only staying because the world is full of liars and cheaters, isn't it better to just stick with the one you love? Isn't that settling? But is it settling if you KNOW there isn't anything better out there?

Sometimes I remind myself...he's here. It was a mistake. He DOES love me. It was just a mistake.
I want to believe that he NEVER wanted to leave. But that is just so hard to believe. How can you do something like this and not think it would end. There had to be a part of you that wanted out.

I make myself sick overthinking this. Nauseous ...or is that the hot flashes and the menopause? I think my emotions are amplifying my hormones. I tend to get hot flashes after feeling anything too strongly lately. I don't know if that is a physiological reality or a coincidence.

I want nothing more than to lie down and fall asleep right now...but my heart hurts and I feel sick.
So much fear for an unknown future.

So scared that I am staying for that reason...fear of the unknown. I am starting to picture life without an us. Is that how this plays out? I am slowly adapting to the idea and then boom it will be over.

What if he really loves me and it all falls apart because I am impatient and move on without him?
I know he would deserve that. I wouldn't feel as bad for him, as for me. Because I lose. I lose something that was so important to me that I never succumbed to temptations.

If this wasn't about temptation, if it was him self sabotaging his happiness because he felt unworthy. I can live with that. Then OUR love was real....or was it? What if I was always part of the savior thing he does and the love was just his issues manifested into a relationship that served his self esteem and nothing more. Ending when my confidence made him feel less than and he needed to move onto the next weak, needy woman?

He keeps looking at me...deeply...eyes trying to make me believe and trust. But is it just that? An attempt to make me believe or is it real? Those eyes are the lying eyes. Will I ever know if truth is in them? Was ever in them? I look at the picture on the cruise....we looked so in love...to the whole world. He was thinking of when was the next time he could text his "angel".

I forgot to tell you all about that. Long ago, shortly after we net. He wrote the most beautiful poem. It was called An Angel, Missing Only Her Wings and a Halo. It was truly the most exquisite thing I have ever read. I had even googled it (or whatever the equivalent was back then) to see f he had stolen it from somewhere. One year he had someone write it in calligraphy and frame it for me, because he knew how much I loved it and the original paper was falling apart from having been unfolded and read so many times.

Last week I destroyed it. On the back I had written in chalk The Biggest Lie Ever Told....I know I wrote that in Pennsylvania...and I don't even remember why...which just makes me wonder how many times this man can hurt me and I will just keep coming back for more....

I took it outside, put on gloves and took a hammer to it. He tried to stop me before I ever got outside, but I was done with that lie. He called her an angel in a text...MY FUCKING WORD...I was done with this fucking piece of shit lie....It felt so good breaking the glass. I loved even more when the hammer tore through the paper, pulverizing the words. Glass was everywhere...I was bleeding, slivers of glass in my knees and thighs. It felt soooo good. Then I got matches and I burned it.

Aferwards I told him that was our past and we needed to move forward. I "burned it all down and started again" (lyrics from Faithful, by Rick Springfield).

Can we build it again? Ask me today and the answer is I don't think so. I want to be wrong.

I am trying to figure out if this is a gut feeling..or just fear talking...I don't know.

I don't know anything...that is the common theme of my life right now.

Well...I do know I am tired. So tired. And still so scared.

Karma karma karma........oh how I love thee

Yesterday was good.

Today is bad.

He has his second session today. Is my sadness/anxiety/hopeless related to that? Should I not feel more hopeful that each therapy session may bring us closer to a "why?"

I told him I feel like something is missing..is wrong...just a little off. And, duh, of course it is....but I feel like I am not getting enough from him. He is too silent. He claims he is afraid to say something that will change my mood. As if I am not constantly thinking of all of this. My brain is in in serious over fucking drive. I had a reprieve thanks to the work incident, which I will elaborate on eventually in my rambling way. If you want to skip ahead to that I put a line of *** to make it easy to scroll to.

I spend time trying to figure out what hurts most. Like it matters. Why do I need a ranking? Is that going to change something? The lies, without me having an inkling of knowing (but that's a lie, right? I did...so is that what hurts the most? Not trusting myself. His lies telling me to not trust myself?) Which lies are worse? The ones he told me? The ones he told her? Were they lies to her? He wants me to answer why he would be HERE if he wanted to be there. Isn't that proof? No it isn't. There's a million reasons why he'd be here for any other reason than that he wants to be. First on the list: He's lying to himself. Kissing her? His words to her? Going to her while I fucking worked? Spending money on HER? Getting hard for her? So many things hurt. Will a why stop that?

I need something from him. And I know what it is. And I will not tell him. Because that is cheating. If he knows what I need because I told him. He will give it to me. And I need it from a place of honesty, not a place of this is what I should do. This is what she wants. I want it from him freely. I need it to come on it's own.

All I want is honesty. And it still escapes us. His silence. What is he thinking? So much silence. He doesn't hear it. He thinks he's telling me constantly that he wants to be here, that he loves me, that he's sorry. How much is enough? Do I want too much? I need silence in my head, silence to the images and the words that run constantly ...that silence can only be achieved with his words. Not even just his actions. When he holds me and doesn't speak...the images are still there, the words screaming at me. He claims he feels constant guilt. I don't see it. Everything seems the same on the outside with him. The exact same as when he'd sit and text her, with me right here.

I re-read the entire week of texts again this morning. He thinks it's a waste of my time, that I am just hurting myself on purpose. He doesn't understand I am looking for hints as to what is true and what isn't. There aren't any. Everything he says is the same to both of us. How do I know which is true? Because he's physically here? How do I know where he is mentally? To appease him, I finally deleted the thread. Deleted her number. Because THAT is going to make the images go away...hah. I will always see her pasty, ugly face snuggled with HIS shirt. I will always see her legs at that angle, striking a "sexy" pose. I will always see her making that ridiculous duck face that he has always claimed to hate seeing people make, but somehow made her the "most beautiful, amazing woman in the world". I will see the words stating he doesn't want to be here. He wants a future with her. He can't imagine anything other than that. He wishes he met her 5 years ago...why 5? He feel so lonely. He sends her Foreigner's I want to Know What Love is...Were these feeling real? If he was so in love with her...how does it just stop? How I am I to believe he doesn't think of her?

I am naive to think I can get past this? It's been two weeks, am I wrong to think that I deserve at least as long as the affair to hurt and grieve for what I lost. His patience seems to be wearing thin to me. He claims it isn't. Am I overthinking it, wanting him to lose patience so this will just end already? And I can hate him some more...blame him fully. What is real? I don't know. I don't know truth, I don't know reality. I don't know anything.

I am tired of the roller coaster. I wonder if it would be easier to just get off...feel the pain...move on. But is that really what would happen? I would still be on a roller coaster. But I'd be on it alone. Leaving this man I love behind, because why? I am too scared to try and fail. Too scared to find out the why?

I do love him. I think that is the ONLY think I know. But I just don't know if it's enough.

His therapist is on vacation next week. That's prolonging all of this another week. I know it's a long road..if I had a tunnel, I could wait to see if there's a light...but I don't even feel like there's a tunnel...just endless tracks leading nowhere. Up and down. As far as I can see. How long can I last?

Will the why be enough? I still won't ever know if he's lying. I have already learned he is too good at it. I can't deny that. It will all be faith and trust. Is that possible?

I still believe that normal is wrong. It feels good when things feel normal. But it feels wrong. I feel like I am betraying myself allowing myself to feel normal, feel happy. My soul hurts and it deserves to grieve. My heart is shattered. My world upside down. We will never have what I THOUGHT we had. Perhaps that is a good thing. because it was a lie. He tells me it will be even better. Will it? Will better make it worse? Will better make me question if this new "perfect life" is as big of a fallacy as the old one? He tells me the why will change everything. I guess I just won't know til I know what the fucking why is...and in case you haven't noticed...patience is NOT my thing.

So I have been writing over an hour (I already finished the below the * part)...I am not sure I feel better. I don't feel worse. I want to turn today around and make it a good day. Maybe, just maybe, something in his therapy will help that happen. Maybe he can start giving me what I need, even if it's too soon for the why. Maybe I should just sleep until it's all over.

I have thought of leaving. Just not being here when he gets home. But I don't know my reasons. Are they merely manipulative? To see if he will chase me. To see if he really cares. Do I not go for fear of the answer? Never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to or you may hear something you don't want to. How long will he stay? What are his limits? Am I pushing him away to protect myself from some truth I don't want to know? Is love really worth this?

I keep thinking back to when he told me 21 years ago "I am going to take such good care of you". That sounded so good then. Now I know how unhealthy it was. I should have been taking care of myself this whole time and he should have been taking care of himself. It is so romantic to have the notion of someone taking care of you. That seems like a stupid, stupid idea now. How do I go about taking care of me? What is the best path forward from here? I guess I know it isn't what is perceived to be the least painful. My therapist taught me long ago that I often think it's "easier" to do something and was missing how hard it really was on me taking that easier way.

I'm still not quite ready for my own solo therapy. I haven't dwelled on why. It just doesn't feel right yet. But then nothing at all feels right.

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Work.

So that little cunt went to the big boss, the top of the top. And she fed him a story about how she was concerned for herself and for our Hispanic customers because of what I said to her...unprovoked...she says she asked "how are you?" and that was the start of it, I just went off.

Since I started there 4 years ago. I knew she had problems with everyone in the store. I felt kinda special that she "liked" me. We had an incident a year or two ago where she stopped speaking to me...it was all about gossip between her, another girl and my immediate supervisor. Stupid, childish stuff. Eventually I sucked it up and went to her and told her I wanted us to be friends again. I may have blogged about it. It was significant for me. I am not one to start something that could be confrontational and could end in rejection. So I was kinda surprised at myself. We hugged, we made up and things were fine. Occasionally she'd make jabs like "I guess I like you..today". She would often make comments that she hated me because of my body. But, all in all, I thought we were getting along good.

When she started in on me about being stupid and stronger than that...I didn't attack. I was calm. I was trying to educate her. Trying to make her see what others were seeing and why it was justified. Even IF it was innocent (she still won't confirm or deny) they were walking into dangerous territory that could lead to more. I tried to explain how painful it was for me to see her doing this...she was my "Rachel". This is when I said all Hispanic women made we want to punch them...a figure of speech, I even told her if the woman had been blonde, I would have felt that way about blondes. I don't know if she is truly stupid or deliberately obtuse to completely misunderstand what I was saying. I had even thrown in a "You know I love you but you have to see how this hurts me". Her demeanor had changed and she was on the defensive. Still, I was calm. Well not calm...I was becoming anxious. Not angry. Anxious. I wanted the conversation to stop but felt trapped. I felt immense relief when the supervisor showed up and literally pushed and pulled her down the aisle away from me.

This happened Thursday night. She went to the big boss Friday morning. The assistant manager(AM) texted me Friday to see when I was in again and then asked what happened. I thought that would be the end of it. I came in Saturday at 5 and ended up in her office for 45 minutes. She told me how---oops wrote her name... twisted everything around. She told me that she(AM) defended me to the big boss and knew I would be honest and she'd get the full story from me. This little bitch had went off on tangents telling every little confidence I had said to her, as well as flat out making shit up. She said I was mad about not getting the last MA promotion (I was, and told AM that I had worked through it on my own and had decided I didn't even know why I was mad, or that I even really wanted the promotion), she said I said the AM didn't like me(probably true, my insecurities make me think everyone doesn't like me), that I didn't like one of the supervisors (not true, don't know where she even got that one). And, as the AM said, she completely made it about anything but what was going on, dragging all kinds of irrelevant shit into the conversation, while somehow making herself look like a victim. The thing is she also confirmed my story. She told both the big boss and the AM that she had called me stupid and that she had called me weak.

In the end I was offered HER MA position....she's being demoted and booted back to the morning truck team, where she won't be able to follow the other supervisor around like a little puppy. This is going to happen today at the END of her shift, after the AM works her to death doing a reset in her dept. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause me great elation. I mean like laugh my ass off elation. (which does give me some pause, because I really do feel like a kinder person now and this goes against that belief of myself). Karma working so quickly and perfectly.

The AM was honest with me and told me she doesn't know that this is the right time for me to take this position but I should give it some thought. It would be working with a supervisor who really values me and that's why I gave it any thought at all. It was so nice having something to obsess over other than this fucking affair...even if I really didn't obsess over it, as I pretty much knew that there was no way that I should take this position. I thought about how nice it would be to have a full time job with benefits should this damn marriage not work. But with Dave just about to start a job with benefits, I realized I will have benefits. He can certainly pay for my benefits if we separate and a divorce can wait until an MA position opens up again. I can not imagine any scenario where being stuck working 40 hours right now is a good idea for me. With the holiday coming up I will be getting as many as hours as I could possibly want and I want the freedom to go to them and say "Nope...this isn't working. I need only 3 short days" There is, literally, only one reason to take the position and that is to be able to work with this supervisor. And, guess what? He wants me to transfer to his dept anyway, so I can still have that without the commitment of full time or the responsibilities of being an MA.

I am calling it now...the way this little bitch lies...I see her claiming sexual harassment when it doesn't work out with her married man...she will twist it around and he's going to end up in trouble. I believe the decision to demote had very little to do with me or this incident. It was just the final straw. There were questions about ever promoting her because of how she relates to other associates and her immaturity and her drama. I doubt she will see it that way and I, for once, don't really fucking care. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone else was right about her. She is a nasty person and I won't waste one more second concerned about her opinion of me or anything at all.