Surprise...I'm still crazy

I don't know if I am lying to myself or if this roller coaster is real--do I really go up and down like this?

I FEEL like I believe what I am saying/feeling/writing at the time but then I have these days where nothing I say to myself will stop me from feeling like I will never stop crying.

Nothing will ever change what he did to me. No amount of understanding. No amount of crying. No amount of screaming. No amount of anything....he will have ALWAYS been weak. He will have always been untrue.

I think his therapist believes it is all about aging. He apparently frequently says things that makes the therapist believe he isn't dealing well with aging and the prospect of death on the horizon.

So we get to be a cliche. Mid life crisis makes stupid husband trash 20 years of happiness. Oh but then he realizes his error and wife is supposed to just move forward.

I think you all can see by now how fucked up my mind is.

I don't know how I was so able to put my boyfriend actually fucking another woman--probably on the same fucking day even--behind me so easily and I can't stop thinking about this stupid cunt who only kissed him.

I think it's 2 things. One I was a pitiful, weak, self loathing girl back then and I never even loved that guy. Now I know I deserve better and I believed this man was better, I wasn't shocked or even surprised to be cheated on by the douchebag but THIS this is just so hard to take. I love this man with all my heart. I let down every fucking wall and opened myself up to be hurt like this.

I'm still stuck in that place: it hurts to be here and I don't want to be without him. Part of me wishes he did leave. I would love to envision him with her and her 10 and 12 year old...what a Christmas he would have...10 more years with kids. He thinks getting old in THIS life sucked...how about being a dad again?? That's what he deserves. A miserable fucking life. I would love his greying years to be filled with true regret...see how fucking happy that makes him. That's the part I love best about my ex. My son tells me all of the time how miserable he is with his second wife. And yes my evil ass loves it!

And those are the thoughts I have to deal with. Not really wanting that. All I really want is for this to have never happened. That's what I REALLY want. And it's never going to happen. It's not about trusting again. It's not about whether he will lie again. He can NOT undo what he did. And I really still don't see any way for him to ever make up for it. The cherry is popped...he broke our vows. That is not the marriage I wanted. How am I supposed to be ok with that?

Time heals all wounds. What if my hatred for him destroys the love I have for him before my wounds are healed? I know...I am still back to waiting it out. There's a chance love will win. And if it doesn't so I wasted a few months trying. It's my only fucking option. Fucking stay and try. Wake up every morning with that bitch's face the first thing I see. And pretend like everything is going to be ok, when I have no fucking idea if it will.

I tried to stop this. I went and got a haircut--almost ask to be a blonde. Then I went shopping. Trying so hard to distract myself. Wanting to buy him things for Christmas, to show how much I love him...all the while hating him. Tried to buy him a Christmas card...HA....To my wonderful loving husband who always been there for me....well except those couple months when your dick felt old and you needed some whore to make you feel special....they just don't make those cards...

I feel like if I don't "treat him right" he'll stop loving me but I sometimes I just CAN'T do it....I can't make myself care that he needs to feel my love. I am fucking here...dying a little more every day and that is going to have to be enough and if it's not? Well fuck him...let him go find some stupid whore to fulfill his fucking ego. I am barely hanging on....yes music lyric quote...

And there you have it....that's how I feel today... I have been fighting it since I woke up on my birthday, 2 days ago. He was off the past 2 days and provided a better distraction that I can be to myself and I was able to keep it at bay---well except for those few moments in the grocery store while he waited at the meat counter...it was all I could do not to sit down in the middle of the store and just start crying...but I didn't! Yay me! (insert eye roll here!)

Here's the part where I tell you how strong I am and everything is going to be fine....because that's what I have to tell myself...one fucking day at a time....

17 days left in this year...please let them be enough to let me have EVERY day in 2018 be a good day. Or at least allow me to learn to lie to myself better.