Anxiety...blah!

Since he started his new job Tuesday, I have gotten some sleep. I still wake up after 4 hours of sleeping, usually around 3 am and then have a tough time getting back to sleep. But with him at work I am staying in bed til 9. When he's here it's harder for me to sleep past 6 or 7...I don't know why.

I am still so tired. I guess 3 weeks of not sleeping will do that to you. A few times I have had a solid 6 hours when I take an Ambien, but one, I don't want to keep taking them and two, 6 hours isn't enough for me. Guess I just have to be patient with this too.

Today I woke up anxious.

Anxiety sucks.

The peri menopause has given me many days with anxiety with no cause. Obviously now there's reasons to be anxious. I can't separate the two. Is this just hormonal anxiety?

I sit here telling myself I prefer anger to anxiety. But I don't know if that's true. Anxiety certainly feels worse. But anger is detrimental to healing our relationship.

It's day 3 of the month. I want to be optimistic. Anxiety makes that hard. The good news is I am not allowing myself to follow the thought paths the anxiety would like me to. I truly believe he won't contact her. I truly believe he doesn't want to.

We discussed my worries about him discovering he doesn't love me and that the books and therapy will reveal that. He says he hasn't felt that way at all, can't even see how that would happen.

I have decided it is probably best to stop trying to read the books. I wanted to read them so we could discuss them together. I wanted to read them for him. I find them depressing. That makes no sense. They are books designed to help. I think it's because I see him in a new light. It's almost like it was with Marcos (the coworker who killed himself). I didn't see it. Seeing him as someone with low self esteem, someone who is codependent...it's new to me. And I wonder how I missed it. It makes me question his motives. Everything I thought was being done from a place of love...was it really just him being codependent? The need to take care of someone...anyone...it wasn't about loving ME...just about taking care of someone...not ME....I could be anyone...the "love" was about my neediness, not loving me as a person.... He doesn't think so. He hasn't learned much yet. He may learn otherwise.

I now know I am worthy of love for who I am, not just a problem to be fixed. I am kind, caring, loving, smart, funny (I stand by my belief that this is my best quality--he seems to think I think I am funnier than I actually am...but I crack myself up and that's all that really matters!!), and even I suppose attractive. I am even trying to love my brain. I don't want to hate or resent any part of myself anymore. I have decided to embrace my overthinking and applaud it and give it credit for getting me where I am....all this thinking led me to see that I am worthy. This brain taught me how to be strong. This brain was smart enough to shut up that first week and smart enough to start thinking again to keep me from focusing my energy on useless thoughts. It starts to go there...but it stops. It is an exhausting brain but it serves me well. It knows to make me blog and my anxiety level has already decreased...seeping away, almost unnoticed, as I type words. My brain heals me. My thoughts can hurt me, but they choose not to. It's how I will get through the next several months. It will keep me sane when my patience begs to give up and quit trying to make this work.

I know what he learns about himself is completely out of my control. Is that the source of my anxiety today? Or is it related to going to work? I was anxious Wednesday when I was supposed to close. I had ended up going in early (on barely 4 hours of sleep) missing my much needed afternoon nap...the anxiety was so bad, I got a headache and was nauseous. I ended up leaving after 4 hours. I don't like closing shifts now that he is working days. I don't want to go all day without seeing him and then spend just an hour with him before bed. Why? I don't think he's going to do anything while I am work. I really don't. So why?? I just don't know. But that could be the problem today. He's coming home on his lunch break but still the idea of me being at work while he's here...ugh it just makes me crazy. It seems like it needs to be about trust...but it really feels like it isn't. Not about her anyway. maybe just that he will be here alone and like it better....and then I will get home and he won't be here? I don't know. Feels like him getting a job is the same thing. Now he has a source of income...he couldn't leave before...now he can....stupid. Or not? Do I really like my brain?? (it's smart enough to see that it's time to stop writing!!)

Well...the anxiety seems to have subsided so I am going to try to make the most of the day before I head to work....Not leaving early...even if the heart palpitations start ....I will stick it through. It's just 6 hours...I can do it.