A new perspective

Gonna try to make this my fastest post yet, as today is my birthday and hubby is at a work meeting and will be back soon!

On December 9th....around midnight....which I didn't realize until later the next day (relevance to follow)...I had a change in my way of thinking.

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after having played some Candy Crush and solitaire (a few days ago my hormonal sleep disturbances have resurfaced, I had been falling asleep around 10:30 or 11 but it's starting to inch back to my 1 and 2 am insomnia). I still was having trouble falling asleep after an hour of playing when I just suddenly thought: I could have lost him forever.

I mean I must have thought that at some point but it just became so clear: I could have lost him.

I have spent so much time being hurt and angry and confused and crying and screaming and being numb and trying to decide whether life would be less painful with or without him in it--it never dawned on me that it wasn't just about what I wanted.

When I confronted him that night...October 9th..around midnight...EXACTLY 2 months prior
...he could have just said "You caught me, thank God, now I can go be with her" and left.

I would be going through all of this alone. Never to have him in my life again. I would have lost him.

I have insisted to him that he stopped loving me because he couldn't have done this AND loved me. He argued and denied and then admitted it was hard to say but he understood why that must be true. But I was wrong...I still have no idea why or how he could do this to me..to us....but he never stopped loving me. He always wanted me. I may never know what the hell she gave him that he thought he needed or why he sought it out, or even if it was sought out...but I know he chose to stay.

It has been a really hard 2 months for me, but also for him. And he stays.

I don't want to lose him. I know that. I still had doubts about if I could live WITH him and this. But I now know I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. I know I will still have insecurities and moments of doubt (already have--but it feels different, it isn't as hard to argue with myself that I am being overly cautious, reading things that aren't there-- and I will still ask him for reassurance, he owes me that).

I feel calmer inside. Surer.

I didn't lose him. Not forever. A couple months he wasn't all mine. But his heart did still belong to me.

We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok.

Don't think I won't be vigilant in making sure this doesn't happen again. The one fear I have is the next time my gut tells me he's cheating that it won't matter what he says, because he so easily lied right to my face when confronted...it's harder to prove something isn't happening. Had I not found those texts I know he'd still be lying. He seems to think I can't know that it would still be going on, but I don't see how he was ever going to stop it on his own, no matter what he thinks he wanted. It was not headed that way, not anytime soon. I don't know how he will be able to prove my gut is wrong. He says we will figure it out, I don't know. Hopefully my gut isn't as paranoid as the rest of me and since he won't ever do this again, we won't have to test it out.

It feels like I have been going through this for years and it's been 2 short (HA!) months....I am hoping with this new perspective that the rage will be gone, the pitiful sobbing will be done and healing will begin and we can spend the rest of our lives loving each other and only each other.

And, yes, I began wearing my rings again. I will keep my vow til death do us part...for better and for worse, may the worst be behind us.