Got a message from a friend...another one who thought we had the perfect relationship. She's single and was gonna update her dating profile but now questions whether it's worth it. My advice ...stay in the game...have fun...don't get serious.
It got me thinking...but then doesn't everything?
I remember the very first time my heart was broken...even before I ever had a boyfriend. Just not having a boyfriend and watching my sister cycle through boys-- as early as 2nd grade they flocked to her...that was heart breaking. I remember thinking and even telling friends. I am going to use guys. One day I will figure out how to make them fall for me and I will hurt them. I will never fall for them. Just use and dispose. I was a bit bitter....years of being a "four eyed, red headed sped and freckle faced geek" will do that to you.
I thought I never actually did that....but I suppose in hindsight it looks like I did. My first boyfriend became my first fiance and I was pretty horrible to him. He wasn't completely blameless but still...I dumped him...twice. Then there was my first
husband..god knows he deserved everything he got...but in the end the tally card ended with me hurting him more.
Now this. The beginning years of our relationship were tough. I was a mental mess. But, as I have said, I have come a long way. And I have searched long and and then even longer for a reason why I deserved this. What did she give him that I wasn't giving him? The answer is nothing---all she was was someone different..nothing I can do about that. Why he needed something different remains to be seen.
But the point of this post isn't any of that....it's where would I go from here if I didn't stay..or if it doesn't work?
I would most definitely get back out there...and I'd have fun. Love certainly doesn't interest me. If he couldn't be faithful and loyal, I don't really believe anyone can be. Doesn't mean I want to sit home alone. I'd like to say I'd go out and break some hearts, but I guess I really just don't have that mean streak anymore. It may happen inadvertently but I wouldn't set out to do it. I am sure I may run into a man or two that would want to settle down and it ain't gonna happen. I'd probably have some ground rules about length of time dating and most certainly length of other things....if ya know what I mean...ain't nobody got time to waste on shitty sex--too many fish in the sea!
I think the whole dating thing could be fun, as long as I went into it knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Just fun and sex. Love is far too painful when it fails and the failure rate is way too high. I don't have the patience for it. If this relationship didn't have a 21 year history, I would have booted his ass out the first night. For 21 years he showed me a man that I thought was perfect, showed me a love that had to be real...that should count for something. But if it had been 5 years...pfft...whatever...if you can't be faithful for 5 years it ain't worth saving.
I am pushing 50. I don't have the energy to start a new 20 year relationship. Nothing I start now would ever mean what this one has meant...so why bother? Fun, that's the way to go. I have at least 10 years of fun and sex left in me and then I'll settle in to one of my many hobbies and entertain myself that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer the life I once dreamed of but if that doesn't happen, my future is far from lonely. Look out men (and maybe some ladies too!!) I may be coming for you!!
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