When to leap?

It feels like I haven't written in a while....it's been 3 days!

I don't have much to say (so this will probably be the longest post ever, right??).

I had the weekend off and spent most of it distracted with my friends (thanks guys!!)...Pride Weekend!! Lots of food, some drinks (mmmm strawberry lemonade and vodka!) and just relaxing.

Meanwhile Dave was finishing up his first week (6 days in a row!) of work.
I seemed to do ok with that.

Then Monday came. I thought I was ok...he seems to think I was putting off a "hopeless about our future" vibe. I thought I was feeling about the same....not great but not as hopeless as that one day.
But then we went to the grocery store. Watching him interact with the female employees just made something click in me. It all seemed so harmless. Just like when he introduced me to Rachel the first time. Just like when he said "You saw her, she's not attractive"... I realized ...what?. What did I realize?...I guess it's the control thing....obviously he can't sit at home all day the rest of our lives....it's the way he interacts with people...women...he's so damn friendly and it SEEMS so innocent...until it's not. I have no control over what happens when I am not there. And no way of knowing the truth. His lies are so good. His facade nearly perfect. I mean there were days when he cracked and made me doubt our future. And he looked like shit. But his lies told me that was all "something fogging my head". I thought it was a depression of sorts. Some kind of Manopause. Will he be able to use those lies again or find new ones to cover his tracks? I AM NEVER LYING TO YOU AGAIN....that's his response to those questions...he's so sure, when he has no idea why he did it in the first place. Lying to himself with his confidence, because he can't know.

He still is in denial that anything would have ever happened 4 years ago with Holly. I am more sure than ever that it would have. I question how he can be honest with me when he can't even be honest with himself. I remind him that he probably would have said the same thing about Rachel. ....This was different, he claims. NO...it was EXACTLY the same. I don't know Holly, I don't know what her response would have been to his flirtatious comment...maybe she isn't a whore who thinks it's ok to have inappropriate conversations with a married man...so maybe that's why it would have stopped..or if she had written back, encouraging him...why would it have not ended up the same? He says something lame about the distance. I remind him, that for him, it isn't about a physical relationship. He probably would have been just as content to not go meet Rachel...not kiss her. What if she would have wanted sex? Would he have denied it to her? For how long? Our friend started an affair over long distance...one that ended his marriage....it most certainly could have developed into an emotional affair and who knows what afterwards.

I found out today that her birthday was in August. He claims he did nothing to celebrate it. No gift. No card. No poem. Nothing. Didn't go see her. That sounds bizarre. The man I know goes out of his way to make you feel special on your special day. Why would he just glaze over her special day? He loved her more than me, couldn't imagine a future without her in it....they are words he wrote to her. Lies, I guess. Because nothing adds up. If he really felt that way about her, he would have had to do something on her birthday. Minimally a poem. Over the years I have had scavenger hunts, hand crafted gifts....always something from the heart. He says it never even dawned on him to do anything. Is there a chance it really was nothing....I mean it had to be something....to risk everything for it. And she was upset...of course she was...how can she believe his lies when he is so blase about her birthday. EVERY man knows how important that is....they always at least pretend!

Last night, I imagined what new vows might sound like: I promise to never have empathy for another woman in a difficult relationship. I promise to never have conversations with women about their personal lives. I promise to stop trying to save women. Will that really remove the temptation? Can he turn away from someone in need? I ran all of this by him. I feel like it's too much to ask. Doesn't it strip him of who he is? I can't even imagine him telling someone who's upset, maybe crying, about how horrible their husband is "Sorry I am an addict and I can't talk to you about this without starting an emotional affair" I mean, of course, he wouldn't say that but what do you say? I don't see him being able to stop someone from confiding in him. IT JUST HAPPENS!!!

Can a relationship survive if one person won't let the other have plutonic friendships with someone of the opposite sex? Can MY relationship survive if I do?

I feel myself so close to giving in. He is so convincing that he loves me, wants only me. He is so sure that this is exactly where he wants to be...And I want to let go...let this all be done...move toward the happy future...no more pain, no more anger....all love.....I want that so bad. But my heart tells me it isn't time yet. I deserve my answers and shouldn't be too happy before then. Can heal a little, but not too much. One part of me screams "Oh fuck it...you are gonna hurt whether you hold back now or go all in if it turns out he's wrong, if we end up apart...so just fucking go all in....hurt is hurt...it won't hurt less by holding back now...." Is that true? Why am I holding back? Is it out of some sense of what people would think? Do I think there's some magic amount of time that should lapse before forgiveness is allowed, before I can be happy all the time again? Or is that little voice reminding me that perfect is bad...when I think things are perfect they are only perfect for me...perfect gives him permission to fuck it up...he hates perfect. He likes THIS. Needy, unsure me. I don't know...but I guess as long as I don't think it's time...then it must not be time. I'll hang on the edge today...maybe tomorrow I will leap...but not today.