So tired of being all over the place….
so tired of not knowing what is real.
Today I realized I feel manipulated.
That’s what his lies did…they manipulated me.
He knows the truth would have led to me not trusting him and the demise of our relationship so he lied…to make sure that wouldn’t happen…that is manipulation.
He told me he talked to his therapist about a hypothetical I threw at him…what would he do if a female coworker is crying in the break room?
The therapist says he should ask her what’s wrong …get involved….which is what leads him to be a cheater…but the therapist says he needs to tell me about it. And tell me how it makes him feel to help people. He realizes it gives him a euphoria (his word) to help a damsel in distress (my words)….that scares the shit out of me….how is going to give that up? It’s like a drug….one of my friends who has been cheated on private messaged me saying this very thing…..it’s like a fucking drug….how the fuck can I believe he can stop it?
He claims he will be more conscious of his actions. He will discuss all of these types of interactions…he stated this like some kind of magical breakthrough….forgetting we discussed this same shit 4 years ago with Holly…..he promised then to be more open….he promised then not to lie.. we discussed communicating inappropriate feelings THEN….why is this suddenly new and going to be different this time??
Some days…no that’s not true….some hours…I can’t see a way out of this. I can’t see a reason to ever believe he will be honest with me…why should he be? He knows I am gullible and will buy anything he says…
It seems so much easier to end it now. How I wish I didn’t love him….sometimes I wish I never met him…I already was married to a liar and a cheater….one I went eyes wide open into….what the hell would be the difference if I had just stayed there? So I had some happy years….but I don’t even know that they were real. I suppose if I was happy it was real for me….so why do I just feel like a fool? How could I be happy if my partner wasn’t?….I don’t know what I am trying to say…
I guess I just don’t trust anything anymore…I don’t trust memories. I don’t even trust his actions. What was for me and what was to manipulate me?
How do I believe he never did this before?
How do I believe he won’t do it again? How long till he stops being “conscious” of his actions?
Is it my job to start to doubt when things feel good again? Or will he really be feeling good with me? Will he be able to recognize whatever it was that led to this and stop it?
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