Denial is over

So I guess denial is over. I just refused to believe he could do this to me. To us. Not him, anyone but him. And though I ran the images of them together through my head millions of times...reread the texts that are emblazoned in my memory over and over. It still wasn't real.

I had some bad days then 2 good days and then I thought I was ready to move on. I put our pictures back up. I was ready to let him fix this. And then I don't know what happened. I woke up thinking I wanted to find the first card he had given me and then I started thinking (uh oh) would reading all those words he used to write to me sound too much like what he wrote to her? Would it make things worse? Would it make it harder to believe him? And I fell apart.

We were supposed to hike. And so we did. I spent the better part of 2 hours and 4 and 1/2 miles crying, screaming or hyperventilating or just stomping up hills. The whole time wanting not to be doing that. Wanting to know what happened to my good days. Where was this coming from?

We ran some chores and then came home and had lunch. I headed up to nap...screaming and crying is fucking exhausting. But instead of falling asleep I started sobbing hysterically. I don't think I have cried like that since the first few hours after finding out. I could not calm myself down. I could not stop. He heard me and came and held me. I so want to believe we can get through this.

The night was a little calmer. We went to bed early both of us physically and emotionally drained.

He had to work today. I woke up feeling ok. I actually slept fairly well and for a LONG (any time I woke up I was able to fall right back asleep) time.

Sitting around, trying to figure out what to do...but still so tired. I decide to go lay down. I am laying there not thinking about much and BOOM....here it comes again. Hysterical sobbing...no one here to calm me down...I can't calm myself down. I think about how to make this stop. I know leaving won't end it. I want to run. Not run like exercise...run like far away...in my mind I keep seeing myself heading north...why? I don't wanna go north. I don't know where I'd go. What do I think is better somewhere else than here? I then think maybe a road trip alone to the Grand Canyon would be fun. I have the next 2 days off. But I still sob uncontrollably. I know leaving isn't the answer. I want to believe he is sincere in wanting to fix this. I want to believe he can. I know part of that is me letting him. I want to tell my bff to make sure if he ever does this to me again that he will not let me give him any more chances. I don't trust myself to not keep letting him hurt me. I feel like if there was a next time I wouldn't have any love left for him to even want to stay. I can see why people wouldn't try. I would not be here if not for the love I finally allowed myself to feel and give. I gave him my all. That's what hurts --- he does not deserve a second chance. He chose to risk it, he should lose it. But what about me?? I can not cut my nose off to spite my face. I just can't. I still believe in us. I believe he lost his way. I believe he may even have stopped caring what happened to us, but I also believe he has realized he was wrong. This was a huge wake up call for him. He does want to be here. He is here. I have to let him try to fix this.

But I no longer deny that he did it. That I was wrong. He is capable of this. And right now I believe he could/would do it again. I believe he knows why and doesn't want to face it. And if he doesn't know why--well every day that gets us further from the day he started down the path of actively choosing to risk our marriage, not once but for months and months...every day is a day further from him ever finding out why and how he could do this...and that means a certain end to me giving him a chance. Because I will never be able to lie to myself and say he won't do this again if we don't know why he did it now.

Denial is over. He is capable of this. He did this. He can do it again.

Now on to acceptance....and maybe, just maybe I can start to heal.