Thankful post

Believe it or not I have a lot to be thankful for. (the hard part is believing that I know that I do, not that I actually do).

And that is what I am most thankful for.

I am so thankful that finally I can stop looking for the bad in my life, that I can stop my negative thoughts and point them towards the positive. I can not overstate how important this is for me.

I have written blogs over the past few years expressing my surprise at my "new found" optimism.
Yet until this...what's the proper adjective? Shocking? event took place, I still didn't realize the depth of how much I have changed.

This could have, should have, would have...shattered me. I would have drowned in self pity, dove into the darkness of depression, let it consume me until I had no will to live.

It's been a little over 6 weeks. That's more than enough time for a hormonal flux that would have put me into a sadness or depression without a reason. And yet here I sit not having had one moment of true depression, not one suicidal passing thought in the past 6 weeks. That's not to say I haven't had some hormonal sadness, differentiated by wanting to cry and not knowing why, it's not to say I haven't suffered immense hurt and pain...wanting to cry, and actually giving in and having soul wrenching sob sessions. But I have not been depressed.

For those of you who have never experienced depression and think it's being sad. It's not. I think I can better define what depression is for me because of these last several weeks. Depression (for me) is a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't need a cause. Doesn't need a reason. It's just a darkness and emptiness that takes over, not just your mind, but your body. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to think anything. You just don't want to be. And that's not to say you want to be dead. It's different. I have been really depressed and not suicidal. And on the other hand I have thought I was perfectly fine and had a suicidal thought..just a quick little "Why not end it all? Drive into that wall" It shocks me and I wonder where it came from. I haven't had ANY of this in 6 weeks. I haven't even been tempted to TRY to be depressed, which sounds even more strange. Why would you try to be depressed? There are times when I enjoy (not quite the right word but it gets the point across) being in that pit of depression. Certainly I don't know why I would, it's horrible. But I know there are times when I just want to be left alone and let it overtake me. That's probably the depression wooing me and that's why it can't win when I am not already depressed. It can't even call to me. It's so far away from where I am right now.

Part of me hopes that all of the things I have learned about myself and learning how many people are there for me has "cured" me. That I will never experience depression again. Wouldn't that be great? Still probably not worth the hurt and pain of the past month and a half (does that give you an idea of the pain? I would rather still get depressed for the rest of my life sporadically than to have learned that my husband could cheat on me. And as I write it, I know that it is true. I would give anything to have had him never have done this--even a life filled with depression).  I know it probably isn't realistic to think I won't ever be depressed again but there's that optimistic side hoping it could be true.

So what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for the loyal men in my life: Michael, Ray and Andrew. They love me unconditionally and will always be here for me, never even needing to resist the temptation to stray, because they won't even BE tempted. They will always be here in my corner, supporting me!

I am thankful the many friends (many of who also are my family) who have reached out to me to reassure me that they have always been there and that they will always be there. Friends that I thought were casual taking the time to be sure I knew that I was important to them...I may only keep about 100 friends on facebook, but nearly all of them are true, real friends. I am so thankful for each of them.

I am thankful for the 20 good years I had with Dave, without those years, our relationship could never hope to survive this. I rely on those memories, that love, to reassure me that my gut will prove to be true and that he will prove himself to be the man I have always believed him to be. This will all have been a horrible, terrible series of mistakes that he will never forget or repeat.

I am thankful for my health-- both mentally and physically.

I am thankful to be living in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Enjoying a warm (hot) day filled with sunshine and palm trees.

I am thankful for a job that I no longer hate. I'd rather not be working on this holiday, but I am thankful that I don't dread going in. Even knowing how crazy it's gonna be, it's just a few weeks out of the year and then the calmness will return and I can go back to mindlessly folding clothes.

I am thankful for this venue to express myself. I am still on a roller coaster but the good days are better and the bad days not as bad. You can see that by fewer posts recently. I hope to one day resume my regular random rambling blog and be done with these overly personal posts. Back to raging about our moronic president!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and take time to find the things you are thankful for. May they far exceed the things that irritate or annoy you!