No..it didn't JUST happen....

So it's been days since I blogged...other than yesterday about that stupid cunt calling. (I'd apologize for my language, but if you are still reading you are probably way past caring about my potty mouth).

The weekend was rough. I feel good today, so it's hard to get back into that head space but a few things stand out.

I mentioned once that something seems "off". I kinda figured out what that was. He was whistling during dinner when it hit me. He may THINK he hurts like I hurt, but I ain't whistling...

So I came to one of two conclusions:

A) He isn't hurting nearly as bad as I am or at all for that matter

OR

B) He is still lying to me/himself by projecting this carefree attitude.

Obviously neither one of them was sitting well with me.

So I confronted him with my thoughts. I got angry. Because he tries to deny he's lying. We go through the same ole same ole...I want you to be honest with how you are feeling....if you are hurt you are most definitely NOT showing me that. If you are sorry I don't see or feel it. He says he tells me. Literally less than once a day do I hear the words I am sorry. He says by holding me, he's telling me. I explain again how my brain works...silence is the enemy ...holding me is not enough...I don't know what he's thinking when he's holding me....he could be thinking "It would be so much easier to be with Rachel" "Why am I here?" "Will she ever get over this?" I don't know WHAT he is thinking if he's quiet. Him with the excuses...always so many excuses...it seems so simple to me. TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING...BE HONEST...why is that so hard? I accept that it may be hard for him to just start opening up...but does he REALLY want to save our marriage because THIS is what I need.

Day one goes well...he is saying what he is thinking...he texts me random texts that let me know he is sorry, he is hurting....YES...that is what I need.

Day two... a little less...I grow frustrated again...sure the books/therapists would say you need to ask for what you need...it isn't quite the same if I am asking all damn day....why isn't one good, long conversation enough? Perhaps this is how little he thinks of it...in which case...no, he doesn't understand that I am in nearly constant pain. My brain barely giving me any time to think of anything else.
Days since...well we shall see....sure there was a note before he left for work telling me he is sorry...will that be the last time he feels that way today??

Saturday or Sunday, I don't remember...I have a decent night sleep and wake thinking surely I will feel better now, but still I am in this mood. This hopeless mood.

At some point we have the It Just Happened conversation again.

I try to explain in great detail that THAT is not an acceptable statement. That statement gives me no hope for our future. How am I to believe it won't happen again when he takes NO responsibility for it happening in the first place. I explain that "It just happened" means he could walk out the front door look into some random person's eyes and BOOM he's helpless to control it...it just happens....he falls in love with her....He could be at the deli and exchange a glance and "It just happens"...IT DIDN"T JUST FUCKING HAPPEN. It didn't go from "Oh gee you have cute parrots" to "sure stick your tongue in my mouth because I love you sooo much and as soon as you leave your wife we can live happily ever after"....somewhere in there he KNEW he was treading on dangerous territory and he CHOSE to continue forward...it DID NOT just fucking happen....

I explained he's lying to himself to think otherwise and we will not make it if he doesn't stop with the bullshit. He tries to excuse it as just a phrase people use...I will not let him excuse his way out....Not gonna happen....IF we are ever to work the excuses have to stop...the lies to me, to himself....have to stop.

I think he may finally understand and believe that it did NOT just happen. This isn't a fucking fairy tale...it wasn't destiny or fate ...he wasn't a helpless victim to circumstance.

It is imperative that he gets that. He can not find an answer to a question he won't even ask. WHY DID IT HAPPEN?? the answer is NOT "It just did" "I don't know" there is a reason...or we are done.
I will not go through this again. EVER.

There are so many 3 letter sentences that I am tired of hearing..."I don't know" "I don't remember" "It just happened" and one that I can't hear enough "I am sorry". I hear "I love you", he doesn't understand that that isn't enough...he loved me while he cheated...it means nothing...just like getting married twice means nothing....why renew them if you couldn't live them?

I have a conversation about how he can never say he loves me more than I love him...it was something we always did...tried to come up with the best sentence proving we loved the other more..."I love you more than the number of stars in the sky" ..."Well, I love you more than the number of ALL the stars in all of the universes"....I don't want to ever hear he loves me more again...he never will. How many times was I propositioned? How many times tempted by a persistent man? NEVER did I stop being loyal. He claims this started so innocent...well how strong is his love if she wasn't even pursuing him and he faltered? She wasn't coming on to him...she wasn't pursuing him...HE did this.... He actually tries to argue with me...How?? How can he try to make any claim that he loves me as much as I love him? Is he truly that clueless? He compares our marriage to others claiming ours is still better....even though those marriages have not had infidelities (that we know of)....no..no our marriage is not something to be held up as an example to follow....please....be serious...open your eyes....we had an illusion. If it was real....something went terribly wrong, shortly after our 16th wedding anniversary....what happened that you went from "I never properly proposed, I should do it again right" to "I am broken, Rachel....save me from this lonely life"?? You say you didn't feel that way...what made you tell those lies to her...to yourself...all the while lying to me, when I repeatedly gave you opportunities to come clean...specifically mentioning HER at the very least 3 times.

His therapist is on vacation this week...just a delay in getting an answer....how long will it take? How many more of these "episodes" can he handle? I sense his frustration he says "I am trying so hard." "I can't do anything right" those words come so easily...how long til he breaks? How much more can I take?

And now he knows she's waiting. I think he finally believes that I know her better than he does. One insecure woman to another.... I know her. He can't explain why she called...because he doesn't know her. I explain I THOUGHT I knew him...21 years and I was wrong...he's known her a few MONTHS and thinks he knows her..HA! I know her. She wants to hear those words again. She wants to feel his love. He's so good at that...he knows what to say to a lonely, insecure woman...not so much to a hurt, angry strong woman. After our talk he kept saying "I am sorry I broke you" I had to correct him at least twice, maybe 3 times..."You did not break ME, you broke US" I am not broken. I am better than I have ever been. I have learned what I have become...silently, slowly...a stronger woman.

I am here fighting because I love him. The reality is we may not make it. I can chose to take the chance that our love is real and there is something in him that he can fix (as I fixed myself) so we can be stronger than ever and we will end up together. Or maybe I am wrong, he will hurt me again. If I leave now I lose him. If he hurts me again I lose him. I choose to stay and fight because he may not know he is worth it...but I do. I will not spite myself by giving up just to spare myself some hurt when the reward could be a lifetime with this imperfect, but perfect for me, man.

The call changed my mood. For the better. I felt a weight off my shoulder. I know it's weird. Welcome to my way of thinking. I KNEW she would call. Again my instinct right...giving me hope that this instinct I have about us is right. We will make it through. I feel myself at the edge of the cliff. I know I am capable of jumping...jumping with faith and trust that he will catch me and hold me forever and cherish the love that I have given so freely and completely. Not yet. It is too soon. I still want/need/deserve my answers. But I know I have the capacity to trust him completely again. When/if he ever proves he deserves it.

I treated myself to a massage today...and even got talked into (hah--she only had to ask!) a facial and a foot scrub. I enjoyed it more than I ever have. Often I wondered why I get massages, I'd be so tense with a stranger touching me. Why? Today I felt...safe?...deserving? I'm not sure...but I allowed myself to just go with it. The most relaxing massage I have ever had. She kept telling me I was a "beautiful woman"...compliments so uncomfortable for me, usually...I just kept smiling and thanking her. I like this new me. This me I have been but didn't want to acknowledge.

Ballsy little whore

Real quick....more details tomorrow when I have all day to write (change in plans, he's gonna watch some TV, so I can finish now)


She called him today.
I saw it as a missed call. I had deleted her contact but I recognized the first few digits, confirmed it with a screenshot I have and when he got back inside told him she called.

He was shocked. Me, not so much....I don't remember what I shared regarding the texts I made him send. Basically I was trying to find out if she would take him back. He kinda blew it with the first text proving it was him. And the follow up I made him send was a 180 from the one he wrote himself. It said he was really unhappy, things were much worse and there was no way he was staying but he was going to go to therapy to "try" to make it look like he tried. He wanted her reassurance that she'd be there for him. He didn't think she'd buy it. I wasn't so sure. I have been waiting for her to try to reach him. He was so sure it was over...we could put the past behind us. My gut said otherwise...BINGO...right again...so I actually was pretty happy with this development. The past few days have been shit, no time to blog but I will try to remember what was going on in my head and share tomorrow (after my much deserved massage!!).

I made him call her back... Not on speaker. There was a lot of Hello, can you hear me? and finally he just says "What's up?"...I can hear her tone, but not really any words. She doesn't sound angry, it's a lot of "I thought I'd hear from you, just want to know what's going on. Are you ok? Wasn't sure it was you texting me?" etc. So I dunno, correct me if I am wrong, sounds like someone is hoping, praying that perhaps that last text had some truth. She waits 2 weeks to call....the text said "I'm going to give therapy a couple of weeks". She couldn't wait anymore..it's been 3 weeks since she heard his voice, saw him, got any texts. She was waiting. Wanting to believe all of the lies he fed her. That he loved her more, that he couldn't picture a future without her.

His first words to her question "How are you?" were "I am working on my marriage!" Kind of with an exasperation like..you aren't helping. She didn't hear that. She just kept going. He kept repeating it adding he's going to therapy. She's still going on and on...I hear her say "I am here for you"...these aren't words from a woman who is moving on, who gets that she isn't wanted. She still loves him....she wants to believe that last text.

It's been way too many minutes...I hold up my hand and do a count down from 5...he nods, he understands...he isn't really doing any talking but to me his listening is sending the wrong message. They will be there for each other still, to commiserate about their miserable lonely lives. I have had enough..I stand up and head for the phone...he is abrupt, cuts her off (as he should have without my insistence) "Rachel, I have to go"...he says her voice instantly changed...I couldn't hear it...my thoughts were on what I was going to say when I got that phone....he says he could hear that she got it...I have doubts. I expect there may be a call in the future. I wish this was completely over. I wish he had said "don't call me ever again"....the fact that she responded to my texts makes me think she still thinks there's hope. The way she acted like I was the one contacting her first...like maybe I was phishing and didn't KNOW she had called him. Maybe expecting he will call her in a day or two and tell her all of things she wants to hear. He thinks if the phone call didn't do it that the texts did...I don't know....time will tell. I feel a closure knowing I don't know much, but I do know insecure women and I nailed this... I know what I would be doing...rereading those texts trying to figure out if he was sending me a coded message. Wondering how long I would have to wait but sure he would come to me...sure that he couldn't be with such an angry, vicious bitch and he would come to me..the loving, gentle one. Replaying the conversation...maybe he wasn't able to reveal his true feelings because that bitch was sitting there....holding on to that hope. I think he should have texted her after our text exchange...telling her to delete him and forget him. He thinks it isn't necessary..I told him if she calls again or texts again....no more beating around the bush.....destroy the cunt.


I waited over an hour...and texted her from my phone. Stupid copy/paste not working...hang on...

You poor, pitiful cunt....3 weeks? That's how long your dignity lasted?? Let me be clear...you need to delete "David" from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There was never anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

Calling him David...even though he hates that...why did he let her do that??

There were some deliberate references to a text she had sent me...the restraining order...telling me to focus my crazy, psycho energy on my marriage.

I gave it a 25% chance she would respond. He was sure she wouldn't. I reminded him he was sure of a lot of things about her and so far I'm batting 1000, him not so much.

She replied...damn, I really thought she would be smarter than that.

Although I am forgetting you and David you seem to think of me a lot I'll forget about you if you stop pulling me into your life work on your marriage leave me the hell alone none of your name claiing means anything to me ... good luck

Poor punctuation is all hers...not a bright one in any way.

Of course I wasn't going to let THAT go...

You called him...you started this again...YOU need to let it go. It is fucking OVER for you. Go find another husband since obviously no single man wants you.

I let that sit for a bit and then felt compelled to add:

Perhaps if I send you a youtube video of Let It Go..you may understand a little better? Since songs seem to be your primary means of communication??

I doubt she figured out I was calling her stupid...but hey...I haven't heard back.

And so the soap opera continues....

You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.

Some breakthroughs about myself

HAH! You thought you were gonna make it through the day without hearing from me, didn't you??

It started out rough...woke at 4 am to pee and that was it...can't blame the cat today. I did NOT want to get up, so I laid in bed, playing on my phone, hoping for my eyes to become heavy and my brain to shut up....Finally tried to fall asleep about 5:15. Dave woke to pee and must have sensed I was awake. He rubbed my back off and on for a bit and I finally fell asleep. Not long after I awoke from a nightmare... a guy was in my back seat (I drive a 2 seater, so even in my dream, this seemed bizarre) and was trying to get me to pullover so he could rape me....I just kept driving hoping to get somewhere where there were people, but it was pretty desolate and I finally woke up when he got more aggressive about me pulling over. I fell back asleep fairly quickly, only to be woken up by another nightmare...something about Dave and Rachel still texting after all that's been going on...got out of that nightmare fast, so I don't even really know what they were texting, if it was starting it up again or just final goodbyes. Fell asleep til about 7:30 and finally gave up.

It was a beautiful morning, we went for a run around 9, came back had breakfast and decided it wasn't too soon for a nap. We both slept about an hour and a half.

Then off to get a haircut. I was feeling ok...and switching radio stations to try to find something upbeat to keep my mood up. But...I Want To Know What Love Is was on...I quickly turned it off. It was a song he shared with her...specifically discussing how the last line was so meaningful --- let me refresh your memory: Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.
And then anxiety....almost had to turn around and come home. Talked myself down. He told me he didn't feel lonely then...or now...and he still doesn't now why---it just happened.

Sitting in the chair, getting my hair cut...I tear up...don't remember why....try to change the subject in my head...few minutes later I start thinking about my bff and tearing up, feeling horrible that I doubted, even for a second, that he wouldn't be there for me. He has been so amazing. His heart as big as I knew it was...don't tell anyone...he cherishes his reputation that he is a complete asshole.

Then I had some real moments of clarity. I wanted to write it down to remember. By the time I got home, they were gone. Just brief snippets of what I had been thinking. I let my mind relax and they came back to me, somewhat.

First. I have had a lot of trouble reconciling how someone who loves someone like he claims to love me, could ALSO love someone else and how they could repeatedly do this for three months. My moment of clarity showed me that it was possible, unfortunately the reasoning behind how it's possible hasn't come back to me yet. But I remember thinking it was a valid and logical explanation. So I hope to have that thought again.

Second. Was about me. I keep claiming this has nothing to do with me and that I KNOW that. But, of course, there is doubt. And, as I have said, some part of me wants to be responsible..to give ME the ability to change, to be in control of something. If I had a role, I can fix it...if I didn't it's out of my hands. I know some of you may disagree with me here. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I sometimes put on an act in front of friends or family, where I act like I wear the pants, I come across as bossy and a bit of a bitch to live with. I am not like that at all at home. As I have said, I have spent the last several years trying to be a better wife..a better person. And I have been successful. I have changed my role in this relationship to be more giving, more caring and he acknowledges that. This was NOT my fault at all. Sure I had a pretty long depressive episode. Would you be ok with a husband having an emotional affair if his wife had cancer? Well, same thing applies here. It's an illness...it's in the vows..sickness and health, better or worse....THIS IS SO ON HIM!!

I am here to say that I can no longer play myself off as a victim, someone deserving empathy for a childhood full of bullying. Claim to have low self esteem. Sure, I have moments. But the majority of the last, who knows how many years, I have felt worthy of his love. I have felt confidence in myself. I look at my assets and downplay my flaws. My clarity showed me this. It allowed me to see that the reason I am here is NOT because of low self esteem and thinking I can't have better or that I deserve this. I am here because I love him. The only way I can make it through the tough times ahead is because I have enough self esteem to believe in myself to handle it. I can even state that he doesn't deserve me. And he doesn't as the person he is now. But that doesn't mean he can't improve himself to be worthy. I felt bad feeling that way, telling him that. Because if this IS about his self esteem, I shouldn't be piling onto the problem by telling him he doesn't deserve me. But it is true. I deserve better than a liar and a cheater. I told him I believe he can be better. I trust his strength to find the reasons why he feels so shitty about himself and fix it. I have confidence in him that he will find out why he did this. He can become the man I deserve and we can have a good life together again....forever this time. No more pain. Because I don't deserve to be in a relationship that hurts me. I still don't believe either of us can be happy without a valid reason why he did this. I will never be able to trust him and I deserve a relationship with trust and he doesn't deserve to have a partner who never believes him--if we don't get an answer, that would be our future and that is a dismal future and no way to live. So I do still have some doubt if we can get through. Because I do have some doubt that he can figure out why. But I am also full of hope. Hope that we can. And peace knowing I will be ok, either way. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with THIS man....but I will be ok if it doesn't come to that.

Realizing why I am here has given me renewed strength and hope. I was so afraid I was staying for the wrong reasons: Fear of the unknown --thinking I was settling for less than I deserve. Today made me realize, I can falter and try to blame myself or think I deserved it but the reality is my self esteem is in such a good place now that even this seismic, mind boggling blow to what I believed to be a perfect life can't sway my confidence in myself. I am the strong woman so many people thought I was. It wasn't an act. I "faked  it til you make it" and it turns out I will be just fine.

Just Another Day, Another Blog

Tired of reading?

I am tired of writing.

I am tired of waking up before the sun.

I am tired of the hurt and doubt.

I am tired.

Blame this one on the cat. She loves to vomit around 5 am.

I stayed in bed til 6:30 and then gave up.

I guess this is why I know it's smart to not work more hours. I need the days off so I can at least nap.
My naps still ridiculously short.

The overthinking. That's what is killing me.

Think. Think. Think....so tired of thinking.

I claim I am impatient. It's been 2 1/2 weeks...of course I am not going to get a why any time soon.
Of course, I should still not trust. Of course, it should still hurt.

I hate uncertainty..I may have mentioned that a dozen times or so. If I had a timeframe it would help.
That marathon training would come in handy. I'd know if I was half way there...a quarter way....I'd be able to give my brain something to shoot for...the next marker, so to speak. "If you make it another week, you will only have X weeks to go". But I have nothing. No guarantee that there will be an end and even worse no guarantee that if there is an end there will be relief. It could just lead to more pain, new pain...re-opening whatever part of the wound has healed.

He says he's sure we will make it through. Sure the why won't lead to our end. Sure he wants to be here and that his love for me is the right kind of love. I don't doubt his love. I wrote about it before...he "loves" everyone. His confidence doesn't sound as strong as I think he thinks it does. Any sign of weakness on his part screams at me to run. He has to be more than sure. And the intelligent part of me knows this is impossible...Death and taxes the only sure things in life.

He didn't like hearing that yesterday (and the day before) my mornings were filled with 0% confidence this was going to work. He insisted it had to be more than 0 or why was I still here? I suppose he's right...it had to be more than 0. But it feels like 0.

I re-read the poem I wrote and want to feel that sure again. But my mind just keeps rehashing every single moment of our 21 years...questioning where he was in his mind during those happy memories. Were they real? Were there other emotional affairs that I will never know about? He claims it was all real and there weren't. He is a liar. He has been a liar probably as long as I have known him. He still can't accept that. He says he does but he qualifies it. I point out how far back the lies go and he tries to be dismissive. Still in denial of who he is. Wondering why I question if I really do know him.
There is no reason to be honest about the past, I have no way of discovering if he was lying. Proof of past indiscretions long gone, if there were any. He lies to protect me (in reality, himself)...why would he tell the truth now? It would hurt me (him). And he knows there is no way I could ever catch him in these lies. "If you really feel that way, why are you here?" frustration and impatience in his voice...

How can HE feel frustrated? How can HE be impatient? HE DID THIS!

I try to make comparisons to what my ex did. Waiting for him to reach that point when it's no longer his fault for doing this..but mine for not "letting it go". That's not fair. That doesn't help us.

I can pretend this is the same. It is not. When I found out about my ex cheating, I remember my first thoughts...almost 30 damn years and I remember EXACTLY how I felt. "I will do ANYTHING to not lose him" Immediately I felt that way. Not out of love. Out of desperation. Back then, all I knew was that I wanted to get married. And he was the only way to make that happen. I was ugly. I had no positive thoughts about myself. I was smart. Smart women don't attract men. He was my only chance...not at happiness...but at marriage. I really didn't care about anything but not ending up a "spinster". Pitiful.

It is different this time. My thoughts were scrambled when I read those texts. I ran upstairs...heart racing, skin tingling with fear, anxiety....and I wanted him to tell me I read them wrong. I don't know how I thought he would explain it, but all I wanted to hear was that I was wrong.

I wanted him gone. I threw him out so many times. But I gave him no way to leave. I wouldn't give his phone back, told him he couldn't have a car. Told him to leave the credit card and bank card. And just walk. Hours later I regretted all of that. Because now I thought he stayed because...how was he to leave? On foot..at 1 in the morning? Where was he to go? I told him I was wrong. And told him to go again. He's still here. Did I wonder this past Monday when he hadn't texted me at 11:30...an hour after his session started..if he wasn't coming back? Yes....I did. It was momentary...the real definition, not his definition.

He tried to use the words "momentary lapse" last night to describe this affair---I went on a little tirade about that. Ok...maybe a long one and not so much a tirade as a story...My anger level didn't reach rage proportions as it has. I explained "momentary" means lasting less than a minute. I described how he picked that phone up time and time again to text her inappropriate things...sometimes sitting right next to me. Sometimes walking in an Alaskan town, surrounded by friends and family. And time and time again made the CHOICE to do the wrong thing. The CHOICE to hurt me. I described him standing at the garage door, waving good bye to me, while thinking about how soon he could get to her. Actively going upstairs, showering..knowing it was for her...to see her...picking out clothes to get dressed to go see her...taking one of his shirts to give her...putting his key in the ignition and backing out of OUR driveway to see HER, putting his tongue in her mouth...All of these actions requiring conscious thought. Each a moment for him to realize he could stop this. Each choice knowing it was hurting me, hurting us. This was not A momentary lapse....this was THREE months of actively, consciously choosing to hurt me. Don't tell me it was a momen fucking tary lapse....PLEASE.

And this is when I wonder...can I really get past this? Not when he tries to minimize it. No. No. I will not allow it. My ex did that. Not this time, motherfucker. I will not allow it.

I think I can get past it if the why is legit. If the why comes soon enough. And if I ever think he actually GETS what he did. He destroyed it all. All of our memories. How can I think anything was real, when this last vacation seemed no different than every other good one we had?
He suggested we forget it all and just start making new memories, if that's what I need to do.

That's part of the problem. I want our past to stay the happy past I thought it was. I am afraid if we move on and he does this again...I will hate him. I will lose all of it. All of the good times. Half of my life will have been a total waste and total lie. A full fledged regret. No child to stop me from saying "This was a complete mistake". With my ex, I can't say that...I have to qualify it with "Well I wouldn't have had this amazing kid"...with Dave...there will be nothing....just wasted time on a man I never knew. A complete fraud. I can't bear for it to come to that.

That thinking is useless. Is that why I am avoiding going to therapy? I don't want someone telling me not to think like that. Telling me it is harmful. I already know that. So why am I doing it? Why do so many questions end in "why's" with no answers? Can't one damn why have an answer?

He is still sleeping. That still makes me crazy. Not so much that he CAN sleep, but that he claims he isn't sleeping...Bitch, you are sleeping WAY more than I am. Stop lying to yourself. You may not be sleeping well, but you weren't when you were cheating and guess what THAT was another chance to say "Hey, why am I doing this, not just to her, but to me?" "How is this helping me? It is hurting me"

I cling to that. That the pain he put himself through did not outweigh those pleasures. I think there's something in there. There has to be. Like a person who cuts themselves. Why do they do that? It hurts. It scars. Where is the pleasure? Were stolen kisses and gushy words worth the weight loss, the sleepless nights? Why did he want to hurt himself? He had the power to stop..even if it meant leaving me...why not make it stop?

Why don't I make this pain stop? I think if someone told me, promised me, swore on everything....that I would have NO MORE PAIN...not one more second if I left right now. I would do it. But, the reality is I will still be in pain. And I will lose this man I love with ALL...every single fucking ounce...of my heart. And that is where the real difference is between now and my ex. Love.

I am a different person. I know men find me attractive. I know I am funny. I love my quirks. I know I can give love and affection. I know I am strong. I am way more confident.

This isn't about desperation. I want to be with him. I want him to be the man I have always thought he was. Just more flawed than I realized. I want this to be explainable and "cureable".

I also want the pain to end.

I don't want to put a timetable on it.

But I still yearn for something to strive for. A timetable would give me that. I don't want it to take so long that I forget that I need a why. I don't want life to go back to what it was, to only be repeated again. Even if he stays in therapy, if there's no why....it can happen again. He could lie to his therapist. But what's a reasonable time? 3 months too short? 6 months too long? I know...one day at a time. God, that's hard.

I am so glad he has another session Thursday. To have missed all of next week would have killed me.
Prolonging the agony. Each session, whether true or not, seems closer to a why. It has to be closer...it certainly isn't further.

I am trying not to test him. I know I would if I thought of a way to do it. I want there to be a something out there that he knows and see if he keeps it from me to protect me. I feel like he has already done that with a text he received from his sister. She doesn't think our personal business should be out there for everyone to see...this blog, I assume is what she is talking about. He didn't bother mentioning that bit from her text, but mentioned everything else. Keeping it from me? Thought he told me? Didn't think it was important? Or thought it would "hurt" me? Which is it?

As for his sister...as with any and all Trump supporters...her judgement is obviously horrible and her opinion means less than nothing. This blog is my control. It's my grip on sanity. It is mine to do with as I want. And no one can take that away from me. I will write it as long as I need it....even if one day I look and see that not a single person is still reading it. I will write...because although sometimes it doesn't seem to help me...the reality is, it does. And it's so much cheaper than therapy!! :P

Tired and scared

I think I would pay any amount of money to sleep 8 hours...I miss sleeping til 9. I no longer am up until 1 or 2 am playing solitaire...too tired by the time I go to bed at 11 or 12. But I can't seem to get past 6 hours of sleep.

I had started to feel slightly better before bed last night.
I woke up thinking I was feeling the same.

I tried to read some more of the self esteem book and it just started increasing my level of hopelessness.

As sure as I was when I discovered this affair that we belonged together. Yesterday began the (apparently unshakeable) feeling that we won't make it through this.  I was feeling 100% sure we wouldn't yesterday and as the day progressed I felt a tiny bit better. Here it comes again.

I feel like one or both of us may discover we aren't where we belong.

I am trying to figure out where this feeling is coming from.

Is it impatience waiting for a why?

Am I trying to protect myself by thinking I want out before he reaches that conclusion?

What do I REALLY believe?

Sometimes I think he doesn't deserve me.

Sometimes I think I am only staying because the world is full of liars and cheaters, isn't it better to just stick with the one you love? Isn't that settling? But is it settling if you KNOW there isn't anything better out there?

Sometimes I remind myself...he's here. It was a mistake. He DOES love me. It was just a mistake.
I want to believe that he NEVER wanted to leave. But that is just so hard to believe. How can you do something like this and not think it would end. There had to be a part of you that wanted out.

I make myself sick overthinking this. Nauseous ...or is that the hot flashes and the menopause? I think my emotions are amplifying my hormones. I tend to get hot flashes after feeling anything too strongly lately. I don't know if that is a physiological reality or a coincidence.

I want nothing more than to lie down and fall asleep right now...but my heart hurts and I feel sick.
So much fear for an unknown future.

So scared that I am staying for that reason...fear of the unknown. I am starting to picture life without an us. Is that how this plays out? I am slowly adapting to the idea and then boom it will be over.

What if he really loves me and it all falls apart because I am impatient and move on without him?
I know he would deserve that. I wouldn't feel as bad for him, as for me. Because I lose. I lose something that was so important to me that I never succumbed to temptations.

If this wasn't about temptation, if it was him self sabotaging his happiness because he felt unworthy. I can live with that. Then OUR love was real....or was it? What if I was always part of the savior thing he does and the love was just his issues manifested into a relationship that served his self esteem and nothing more. Ending when my confidence made him feel less than and he needed to move onto the next weak, needy woman?

He keeps looking at me...deeply...eyes trying to make me believe and trust. But is it just that? An attempt to make me believe or is it real? Those eyes are the lying eyes. Will I ever know if truth is in them? Was ever in them? I look at the picture on the cruise....we looked so in love...to the whole world. He was thinking of when was the next time he could text his "angel".

I forgot to tell you all about that. Long ago, shortly after we net. He wrote the most beautiful poem. It was called An Angel, Missing Only Her Wings and a Halo. It was truly the most exquisite thing I have ever read. I had even googled it (or whatever the equivalent was back then) to see f he had stolen it from somewhere. One year he had someone write it in calligraphy and frame it for me, because he knew how much I loved it and the original paper was falling apart from having been unfolded and read so many times.

Last week I destroyed it. On the back I had written in chalk The Biggest Lie Ever Told....I know I wrote that in Pennsylvania...and I don't even remember why...which just makes me wonder how many times this man can hurt me and I will just keep coming back for more....

I took it outside, put on gloves and took a hammer to it. He tried to stop me before I ever got outside, but I was done with that lie. He called her an angel in a text...MY FUCKING WORD...I was done with this fucking piece of shit lie....It felt so good breaking the glass. I loved even more when the hammer tore through the paper, pulverizing the words. Glass was everywhere...I was bleeding, slivers of glass in my knees and thighs. It felt soooo good. Then I got matches and I burned it.

Aferwards I told him that was our past and we needed to move forward. I "burned it all down and started again" (lyrics from Faithful, by Rick Springfield).

Can we build it again? Ask me today and the answer is I don't think so. I want to be wrong.

I am trying to figure out if this is a gut feeling..or just fear talking...I don't know.

I don't know anything...that is the common theme of my life right now.

Well...I do know I am tired. So tired. And still so scared.

Karma karma karma........oh how I love thee

Yesterday was good.

Today is bad.

He has his second session today. Is my sadness/anxiety/hopeless related to that? Should I not feel more hopeful that each therapy session may bring us closer to a "why?"

I told him I feel like something is missing..is wrong...just a little off. And, duh, of course it is....but I feel like I am not getting enough from him. He is too silent. He claims he is afraid to say something that will change my mood. As if I am not constantly thinking of all of this. My brain is in in serious over fucking drive. I had a reprieve thanks to the work incident, which I will elaborate on eventually in my rambling way. If you want to skip ahead to that I put a line of *** to make it easy to scroll to.

I spend time trying to figure out what hurts most. Like it matters. Why do I need a ranking? Is that going to change something? The lies, without me having an inkling of knowing (but that's a lie, right? I did...so is that what hurts the most? Not trusting myself. His lies telling me to not trust myself?) Which lies are worse? The ones he told me? The ones he told her? Were they lies to her? He wants me to answer why he would be HERE if he wanted to be there. Isn't that proof? No it isn't. There's a million reasons why he'd be here for any other reason than that he wants to be. First on the list: He's lying to himself. Kissing her? His words to her? Going to her while I fucking worked? Spending money on HER? Getting hard for her? So many things hurt. Will a why stop that?

I need something from him. And I know what it is. And I will not tell him. Because that is cheating. If he knows what I need because I told him. He will give it to me. And I need it from a place of honesty, not a place of this is what I should do. This is what she wants. I want it from him freely. I need it to come on it's own.

All I want is honesty. And it still escapes us. His silence. What is he thinking? So much silence. He doesn't hear it. He thinks he's telling me constantly that he wants to be here, that he loves me, that he's sorry. How much is enough? Do I want too much? I need silence in my head, silence to the images and the words that run constantly ...that silence can only be achieved with his words. Not even just his actions. When he holds me and doesn't speak...the images are still there, the words screaming at me. He claims he feels constant guilt. I don't see it. Everything seems the same on the outside with him. The exact same as when he'd sit and text her, with me right here.

I re-read the entire week of texts again this morning. He thinks it's a waste of my time, that I am just hurting myself on purpose. He doesn't understand I am looking for hints as to what is true and what isn't. There aren't any. Everything he says is the same to both of us. How do I know which is true? Because he's physically here? How do I know where he is mentally? To appease him, I finally deleted the thread. Deleted her number. Because THAT is going to make the images go away...hah. I will always see her pasty, ugly face snuggled with HIS shirt. I will always see her legs at that angle, striking a "sexy" pose. I will always see her making that ridiculous duck face that he has always claimed to hate seeing people make, but somehow made her the "most beautiful, amazing woman in the world". I will see the words stating he doesn't want to be here. He wants a future with her. He can't imagine anything other than that. He wishes he met her 5 years ago...why 5? He feel so lonely. He sends her Foreigner's I want to Know What Love is...Were these feeling real? If he was so in love with her...how does it just stop? How I am I to believe he doesn't think of her?

I am naive to think I can get past this? It's been two weeks, am I wrong to think that I deserve at least as long as the affair to hurt and grieve for what I lost. His patience seems to be wearing thin to me. He claims it isn't. Am I overthinking it, wanting him to lose patience so this will just end already? And I can hate him some more...blame him fully. What is real? I don't know. I don't know truth, I don't know reality. I don't know anything.

I am tired of the roller coaster. I wonder if it would be easier to just get off...feel the pain...move on. But is that really what would happen? I would still be on a roller coaster. But I'd be on it alone. Leaving this man I love behind, because why? I am too scared to try and fail. Too scared to find out the why?

I do love him. I think that is the ONLY think I know. But I just don't know if it's enough.

His therapist is on vacation next week. That's prolonging all of this another week. I know it's a long road..if I had a tunnel, I could wait to see if there's a light...but I don't even feel like there's a tunnel...just endless tracks leading nowhere. Up and down. As far as I can see. How long can I last?

Will the why be enough? I still won't ever know if he's lying. I have already learned he is too good at it. I can't deny that. It will all be faith and trust. Is that possible?

I still believe that normal is wrong. It feels good when things feel normal. But it feels wrong. I feel like I am betraying myself allowing myself to feel normal, feel happy. My soul hurts and it deserves to grieve. My heart is shattered. My world upside down. We will never have what I THOUGHT we had. Perhaps that is a good thing. because it was a lie. He tells me it will be even better. Will it? Will better make it worse? Will better make me question if this new "perfect life" is as big of a fallacy as the old one? He tells me the why will change everything. I guess I just won't know til I know what the fucking why is...and in case you haven't noticed...patience is NOT my thing.

So I have been writing over an hour (I already finished the below the * part)...I am not sure I feel better. I don't feel worse. I want to turn today around and make it a good day. Maybe, just maybe, something in his therapy will help that happen. Maybe he can start giving me what I need, even if it's too soon for the why. Maybe I should just sleep until it's all over.

I have thought of leaving. Just not being here when he gets home. But I don't know my reasons. Are they merely manipulative? To see if he will chase me. To see if he really cares. Do I not go for fear of the answer? Never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to or you may hear something you don't want to. How long will he stay? What are his limits? Am I pushing him away to protect myself from some truth I don't want to know? Is love really worth this?

I keep thinking back to when he told me 21 years ago "I am going to take such good care of you". That sounded so good then. Now I know how unhealthy it was. I should have been taking care of myself this whole time and he should have been taking care of himself. It is so romantic to have the notion of someone taking care of you. That seems like a stupid, stupid idea now. How do I go about taking care of me? What is the best path forward from here? I guess I know it isn't what is perceived to be the least painful. My therapist taught me long ago that I often think it's "easier" to do something and was missing how hard it really was on me taking that easier way.

I'm still not quite ready for my own solo therapy. I haven't dwelled on why. It just doesn't feel right yet. But then nothing at all feels right.

*********************************************************************************

Work.

So that little cunt went to the big boss, the top of the top. And she fed him a story about how she was concerned for herself and for our Hispanic customers because of what I said to her...unprovoked...she says she asked "how are you?" and that was the start of it, I just went off.

Since I started there 4 years ago. I knew she had problems with everyone in the store. I felt kinda special that she "liked" me. We had an incident a year or two ago where she stopped speaking to me...it was all about gossip between her, another girl and my immediate supervisor. Stupid, childish stuff. Eventually I sucked it up and went to her and told her I wanted us to be friends again. I may have blogged about it. It was significant for me. I am not one to start something that could be confrontational and could end in rejection. So I was kinda surprised at myself. We hugged, we made up and things were fine. Occasionally she'd make jabs like "I guess I like you..today". She would often make comments that she hated me because of my body. But, all in all, I thought we were getting along good.

When she started in on me about being stupid and stronger than that...I didn't attack. I was calm. I was trying to educate her. Trying to make her see what others were seeing and why it was justified. Even IF it was innocent (she still won't confirm or deny) they were walking into dangerous territory that could lead to more. I tried to explain how painful it was for me to see her doing this...she was my "Rachel". This is when I said all Hispanic women made we want to punch them...a figure of speech, I even told her if the woman had been blonde, I would have felt that way about blondes. I don't know if she is truly stupid or deliberately obtuse to completely misunderstand what I was saying. I had even thrown in a "You know I love you but you have to see how this hurts me". Her demeanor had changed and she was on the defensive. Still, I was calm. Well not calm...I was becoming anxious. Not angry. Anxious. I wanted the conversation to stop but felt trapped. I felt immense relief when the supervisor showed up and literally pushed and pulled her down the aisle away from me.

This happened Thursday night. She went to the big boss Friday morning. The assistant manager(AM) texted me Friday to see when I was in again and then asked what happened. I thought that would be the end of it. I came in Saturday at 5 and ended up in her office for 45 minutes. She told me how---oops wrote her name... twisted everything around. She told me that she(AM) defended me to the big boss and knew I would be honest and she'd get the full story from me. This little bitch had went off on tangents telling every little confidence I had said to her, as well as flat out making shit up. She said I was mad about not getting the last MA promotion (I was, and told AM that I had worked through it on my own and had decided I didn't even know why I was mad, or that I even really wanted the promotion), she said I said the AM didn't like me(probably true, my insecurities make me think everyone doesn't like me), that I didn't like one of the supervisors (not true, don't know where she even got that one). And, as the AM said, she completely made it about anything but what was going on, dragging all kinds of irrelevant shit into the conversation, while somehow making herself look like a victim. The thing is she also confirmed my story. She told both the big boss and the AM that she had called me stupid and that she had called me weak.

In the end I was offered HER MA position....she's being demoted and booted back to the morning truck team, where she won't be able to follow the other supervisor around like a little puppy. This is going to happen today at the END of her shift, after the AM works her to death doing a reset in her dept. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause me great elation. I mean like laugh my ass off elation. (which does give me some pause, because I really do feel like a kinder person now and this goes against that belief of myself). Karma working so quickly and perfectly.

The AM was honest with me and told me she doesn't know that this is the right time for me to take this position but I should give it some thought. It would be working with a supervisor who really values me and that's why I gave it any thought at all. It was so nice having something to obsess over other than this fucking affair...even if I really didn't obsess over it, as I pretty much knew that there was no way that I should take this position. I thought about how nice it would be to have a full time job with benefits should this damn marriage not work. But with Dave just about to start a job with benefits, I realized I will have benefits. He can certainly pay for my benefits if we separate and a divorce can wait until an MA position opens up again. I can not imagine any scenario where being stuck working 40 hours right now is a good idea for me. With the holiday coming up I will be getting as many as hours as I could possibly want and I want the freedom to go to them and say "Nope...this isn't working. I need only 3 short days" There is, literally, only one reason to take the position and that is to be able to work with this supervisor. And, guess what? He wants me to transfer to his dept anyway, so I can still have that without the commitment of full time or the responsibilities of being an MA.

I am calling it now...the way this little bitch lies...I see her claiming sexual harassment when it doesn't work out with her married man...she will twist it around and he's going to end up in trouble. I believe the decision to demote had very little to do with me or this incident. It was just the final straw. There were questions about ever promoting her because of how she relates to other associates and her immaturity and her drama. I doubt she will see it that way and I, for once, don't really fucking care. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone else was right about her. She is a nasty person and I won't waste one more second concerned about her opinion of me or anything at all.

Will I ever sleep 8 hours again?

Went to bed around 11:30 pm. Had a really good day, sure there was a stray thought or two (or a hundred) but I didn't feel angry, hopeless, stupid or any emotion strongly, other than being happy in the moment.

I got out of bed at 4:30 to pee...I had started waking up off and on before that but still feeling content enough to sleep, just avoiding getting up to pee. Once I got up and then returned to bed, that was it....my brain started. So here I am...I swore I wouldn't lie in bed and write blogs in my head. If I am not sleeping why lay there?

It started with wondering whether I should have ever posted the last blog, glad I had taken it down. Then my mind drifted to how happy I was yesterday and that was it....

I thought about that bitch I work with and how I felt while we talked. As she started telling me what I should do, I started falling down a deep hole, like a well, I remember trying to grasp at things to hold onto..they were my excuses to her for why I was staying. She just kept trying to shut me down. I remember very clearly thinking "Please shut up, I don't want to have to take you down". I remember being very conscious of not calling her a whore, of not even accusing her, being very specific to call it a rumor. I remember how she stammered and stuttered and refused to deny. She merely kept saying "It was her personal business" I tried to explain why it wasn't if they flaunted it at work. I shared with her how I had gotten a bit of a "crush" on a kid that had worked there and how I told Dave my feelings to have it out in the open so that I'd never act. She started on a tirade about how me THINKING about having sex with someone else is an "emotional affair" ...I tried to explain the difference between fantasizing and doing...why am I wasting my time with this stupid twit?? She quite obviously is completely fucking clueless about anything.

Old Ann would have handled it differently. I am different -- that optimistic, not so nasty, wanting to help people person. (Side note: I find it ironic that as I have moved further and further from Christianity that my desire ---no not my desire---my ACTIONS to treat people better have increased. In other words: the less religious I have become, the better person I AM (not want to be..actually AM--pretty odd)) Old Ann would have told her what a stupid cunt she was and told her she was playing with fire and deserved anything and everything coming her way.

I was trying to be gentle with her. My anxiety level was starting to increase. The more she stood there yapping, the more sure I was that she was wrecking a home. That there was a woman sitting home married to a man she didn't know at all because he was fucking around with this dimwitted twit!

And yet I felt sorry for her. I realized (don't know if it was then or after she was dragged away) that she may have been wishing I left because it was too hard to see a wife stay. That ruins her "plans". Her fantasies of her man leaving his wife. What if he tries to stay and the "stupid" wife lets him. It was killing her to see an alternate reality play out, one she hadn't considered perhaps. She mentioned how her husband had cheated on her. She left him. So that is the way it must be done in her mind, I guess. All I could think is "You were the other woman and yet you can do this to someone else?" How? Never could I or would I ever do this to another woman...at this point I can't say I won't do it to Dave. But if I decided to cheat (and it would be a VERY conscious decision) it would not hurt another woman. I think I mentioned that there's a worried part of me that I may cheat now. I am human, there have been temptations in the past and as I reflect back, I never really realized how often it could have happened if I had allowed it to. Always I recognized the temptation and always I stopped. Sometimes because the other person didn't seem "worth" losing Dave over, sometimes because I didn't want to hurt him and always because I knew he'd never do it to me....Now it's different. There's that tiny sliver of nasty Ann that would love to destroy his heart and that's while I love him. What if time goes by and my love isn't as strong and a desirable man enters my life...what will stop me? Will I even want to stop myself?

So I lay there thinking about all of that and just wanting to go back to sleep...remembering what a good day we had...then I start thinking it hasn't been even 2 weeks yet. I SHOULD NOT be this happy. Because apparently there is a rule book with a timetable? I argue this with myself. But I can't help wondering....is it really ok to feel so normal...do not fall for it...I try to remember how I felt falling asleep and the things he said to me...and then I realize they are words and his words can be lies. And I try to remember how he lied so easily to me, how I didn't SEE the lies, his face looked the same. But did it? I remember now that I avoided looking at him. He was hard to look at. Why? Because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see sometimes...not ALL of the time. There was that distance...This I can remember because of those blogs I wrote but didn't publish. Times when he looked pale, sickly, tired and I dismissed it as whatever he was going through, worried for his health, but knowing he had just had checkups. I wasn't seeing it as lies that were eating him alive. The drinking, the weight loss...all signs...signs I saw but he dismissed. I TRUSTED him to tell the truth and I believed...but did I? I try so hard to remember specific times he lied. Did he falter? Did he have "tells"? How will I ever know when he's truthful again? The only answer is my gut instinct. And that just doesn't feel like enough.

I want to believe this is a bump in the road. But it's more than a bump. We lost a lot. We will never be the couple who made it til the end without an affair. Like virginity once that is gone, it is GONE. We can try to mend but it won't go away. A scar will remain, tarnishing our history. Can I live with that?

I love him so much. I still believe we belong together. I think we make a great team. Is that enough?

Should we have separated until I got my "WHY?". Would that have made it worse or better? For who? Me or him?

I think it would have been the end of us. Does that mean anything? Shouldn't we be able to survive a separation?

I am sitting here...not typing...just thinking...and the thoughts are soo everywhere, there is nothing to write.

I am tired. Mostly tired of thinking. It just feels so wrong to have a day like yesterday...it feels all "swept under the carpet". I know he would remind me it isn't. He is going to therapy. We will fix this. Sometimes it seems like the days have flown by and then it seems like his first therapy was months ago, not 5 days and yet his next one feels weeks away, even though it's in 2 days. The road already feels so long and I am so tired. One day at a time...one day at a time.

It is still dark out. I should try to lay down. All the words are gone anyway...maybe I can sleep.