Got a message from a friend...another one who thought we had the perfect relationship. She's single and was gonna update her dating profile but now questions whether it's worth it. My advice ...stay in the game...have fun...don't get serious.
It got me thinking...but then doesn't everything?
I remember the very first time my heart was broken...even before I ever had a boyfriend. Just not having a boyfriend and watching my sister cycle through boys-- as early as 2nd grade they flocked to her...that was heart breaking. I remember thinking and even telling friends. I am going to use guys. One day I will figure out how to make them fall for me and I will hurt them. I will never fall for them. Just use and dispose. I was a bit bitter....years of being a "four eyed, red headed sped and freckle faced geek" will do that to you.
I thought I never actually did that....but I suppose in hindsight it looks like I did. My first boyfriend became my first fiance and I was pretty horrible to him. He wasn't completely blameless but still...I dumped him...twice. Then there was my first
husband..god knows he deserved everything he got...but in the end the tally card ended with me hurting him more.
Now this. The beginning years of our relationship were tough. I was a mental mess. But, as I have said, I have come a long way. And I have searched long and and then even longer for a reason why I deserved this. What did she give him that I wasn't giving him? The answer is nothing---all she was was someone different..nothing I can do about that. Why he needed something different remains to be seen.
But the point of this post isn't any of that....it's where would I go from here if I didn't stay..or if it doesn't work?
I would most definitely get back out there...and I'd have fun. Love certainly doesn't interest me. If he couldn't be faithful and loyal, I don't really believe anyone can be. Doesn't mean I want to sit home alone. I'd like to say I'd go out and break some hearts, but I guess I really just don't have that mean streak anymore. It may happen inadvertently but I wouldn't set out to do it. I am sure I may run into a man or two that would want to settle down and it ain't gonna happen. I'd probably have some ground rules about length of time dating and most certainly length of other things....if ya know what I mean...ain't nobody got time to waste on shitty sex--too many fish in the sea!
I think the whole dating thing could be fun, as long as I went into it knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Just fun and sex. Love is far too painful when it fails and the failure rate is way too high. I don't have the patience for it. If this relationship didn't have a 21 year history, I would have booted his ass out the first night. For 21 years he showed me a man that I thought was perfect, showed me a love that had to be real...that should count for something. But if it had been 5 years...pfft...whatever...if you can't be faithful for 5 years it ain't worth saving.
I am pushing 50. I don't have the energy to start a new 20 year relationship. Nothing I start now would ever mean what this one has meant...so why bother? Fun, that's the way to go. I have at least 10 years of fun and sex left in me and then I'll settle in to one of my many hobbies and entertain myself that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer the life I once dreamed of but if that doesn't happen, my future is far from lonely. Look out men (and maybe some ladies too!!) I may be coming for you!!
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Friday, November 3, 2017
Anxiety...blah!
Since he started his new job Tuesday, I have gotten some sleep. I still wake up after 4 hours of sleeping, usually around 3 am and then have a tough time getting back to sleep. But with him at work I am staying in bed til 9. When he's here it's harder for me to sleep past 6 or 7...I don't know why.
I am still so tired. I guess 3 weeks of not sleeping will do that to you. A few times I have had a solid 6 hours when I take an Ambien, but one, I don't want to keep taking them and two, 6 hours isn't enough for me. Guess I just have to be patient with this too.
Today I woke up anxious.
Anxiety sucks.
The peri menopause has given me many days with anxiety with no cause. Obviously now there's reasons to be anxious. I can't separate the two. Is this just hormonal anxiety?
I sit here telling myself I prefer anger to anxiety. But I don't know if that's true. Anxiety certainly feels worse. But anger is detrimental to healing our relationship.
It's day 3 of the month. I want to be optimistic. Anxiety makes that hard. The good news is I am not allowing myself to follow the thought paths the anxiety would like me to. I truly believe he won't contact her. I truly believe he doesn't want to.
We discussed my worries about him discovering he doesn't love me and that the books and therapy will reveal that. He says he hasn't felt that way at all, can't even see how that would happen.
I have decided it is probably best to stop trying to read the books. I wanted to read them so we could discuss them together. I wanted to read them for him. I find them depressing. That makes no sense. They are books designed to help. I think it's because I see him in a new light. It's almost like it was with Marcos (the coworker who killed himself). I didn't see it. Seeing him as someone with low self esteem, someone who is codependent...it's new to me. And I wonder how I missed it. It makes me question his motives. Everything I thought was being done from a place of love...was it really just him being codependent? The need to take care of someone...anyone...it wasn't about loving ME...just about taking care of someone...not ME....I could be anyone...the "love" was about my neediness, not loving me as a person.... He doesn't think so. He hasn't learned much yet. He may learn otherwise.
I now know I am worthy of love for who I am, not just a problem to be fixed. I am kind, caring, loving, smart, funny (I stand by my belief that this is my best quality--he seems to think I think I am funnier than I actually am...but I crack myself up and that's all that really matters!!), and even I suppose attractive. I am even trying to love my brain. I don't want to hate or resent any part of myself anymore. I have decided to embrace my overthinking and applaud it and give it credit for getting me where I am....all this thinking led me to see that I am worthy. This brain taught me how to be strong. This brain was smart enough to shut up that first week and smart enough to start thinking again to keep me from focusing my energy on useless thoughts. It starts to go there...but it stops. It is an exhausting brain but it serves me well. It knows to make me blog and my anxiety level has already decreased...seeping away, almost unnoticed, as I type words. My brain heals me. My thoughts can hurt me, but they choose not to. It's how I will get through the next several months. It will keep me sane when my patience begs to give up and quit trying to make this work.
I know what he learns about himself is completely out of my control. Is that the source of my anxiety today? Or is it related to going to work? I was anxious Wednesday when I was supposed to close. I had ended up going in early (on barely 4 hours of sleep) missing my much needed afternoon nap...the anxiety was so bad, I got a headache and was nauseous. I ended up leaving after 4 hours. I don't like closing shifts now that he is working days. I don't want to go all day without seeing him and then spend just an hour with him before bed. Why? I don't think he's going to do anything while I am work. I really don't. So why?? I just don't know. But that could be the problem today. He's coming home on his lunch break but still the idea of me being at work while he's here...ugh it just makes me crazy. It seems like it needs to be about trust...but it really feels like it isn't. Not about her anyway. maybe just that he will be here alone and like it better....and then I will get home and he won't be here? I don't know. Feels like him getting a job is the same thing. Now he has a source of income...he couldn't leave before...now he can....stupid. Or not? Do I really like my brain?? (it's smart enough to see that it's time to stop writing!!)
Well...the anxiety seems to have subsided so I am going to try to make the most of the day before I head to work....Not leaving early...even if the heart palpitations start ....I will stick it through. It's just 6 hours...I can do it.
I am still so tired. I guess 3 weeks of not sleeping will do that to you. A few times I have had a solid 6 hours when I take an Ambien, but one, I don't want to keep taking them and two, 6 hours isn't enough for me. Guess I just have to be patient with this too.
Today I woke up anxious.
Anxiety sucks.
The peri menopause has given me many days with anxiety with no cause. Obviously now there's reasons to be anxious. I can't separate the two. Is this just hormonal anxiety?
I sit here telling myself I prefer anger to anxiety. But I don't know if that's true. Anxiety certainly feels worse. But anger is detrimental to healing our relationship.
It's day 3 of the month. I want to be optimistic. Anxiety makes that hard. The good news is I am not allowing myself to follow the thought paths the anxiety would like me to. I truly believe he won't contact her. I truly believe he doesn't want to.
We discussed my worries about him discovering he doesn't love me and that the books and therapy will reveal that. He says he hasn't felt that way at all, can't even see how that would happen.
I have decided it is probably best to stop trying to read the books. I wanted to read them so we could discuss them together. I wanted to read them for him. I find them depressing. That makes no sense. They are books designed to help. I think it's because I see him in a new light. It's almost like it was with Marcos (the coworker who killed himself). I didn't see it. Seeing him as someone with low self esteem, someone who is codependent...it's new to me. And I wonder how I missed it. It makes me question his motives. Everything I thought was being done from a place of love...was it really just him being codependent? The need to take care of someone...anyone...it wasn't about loving ME...just about taking care of someone...not ME....I could be anyone...the "love" was about my neediness, not loving me as a person.... He doesn't think so. He hasn't learned much yet. He may learn otherwise.
I now know I am worthy of love for who I am, not just a problem to be fixed. I am kind, caring, loving, smart, funny (I stand by my belief that this is my best quality--he seems to think I think I am funnier than I actually am...but I crack myself up and that's all that really matters!!), and even I suppose attractive. I am even trying to love my brain. I don't want to hate or resent any part of myself anymore. I have decided to embrace my overthinking and applaud it and give it credit for getting me where I am....all this thinking led me to see that I am worthy. This brain taught me how to be strong. This brain was smart enough to shut up that first week and smart enough to start thinking again to keep me from focusing my energy on useless thoughts. It starts to go there...but it stops. It is an exhausting brain but it serves me well. It knows to make me blog and my anxiety level has already decreased...seeping away, almost unnoticed, as I type words. My brain heals me. My thoughts can hurt me, but they choose not to. It's how I will get through the next several months. It will keep me sane when my patience begs to give up and quit trying to make this work.
I know what he learns about himself is completely out of my control. Is that the source of my anxiety today? Or is it related to going to work? I was anxious Wednesday when I was supposed to close. I had ended up going in early (on barely 4 hours of sleep) missing my much needed afternoon nap...the anxiety was so bad, I got a headache and was nauseous. I ended up leaving after 4 hours. I don't like closing shifts now that he is working days. I don't want to go all day without seeing him and then spend just an hour with him before bed. Why? I don't think he's going to do anything while I am work. I really don't. So why?? I just don't know. But that could be the problem today. He's coming home on his lunch break but still the idea of me being at work while he's here...ugh it just makes me crazy. It seems like it needs to be about trust...but it really feels like it isn't. Not about her anyway. maybe just that he will be here alone and like it better....and then I will get home and he won't be here? I don't know. Feels like him getting a job is the same thing. Now he has a source of income...he couldn't leave before...now he can....stupid. Or not? Do I really like my brain?? (it's smart enough to see that it's time to stop writing!!)
Well...the anxiety seems to have subsided so I am going to try to make the most of the day before I head to work....Not leaving early...even if the heart palpitations start ....I will stick it through. It's just 6 hours...I can do it.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
More smiles, less tears
It's a new month. And today I feel really good. I woke up at 3:30, probably awake for an hour but not with any bad thoughts. He woke up to pee and said "I am so sorry I hurt you". The past 2 days he's finally gotten it. On Halloween we had another conversation about him not hurting. I flat out told him "I love you" means, literally, nothing to me. He said that how many times...while telling her the same thing. Those words mean nothing. I suppose ALL words mean nothing. But if I have to hear words, the words I want to hear are "I am sorry". I think this time he gets it. I don't think I really said anything new, other than that "I love you" hurts more than helps. But he gets it this time. In my heart I know he loves me. I don't need to hear that. In my heart I am still not so sure he hurts like I do. The past 2 days have been different. Watching TV and a storyline is about an affair...he says he's sorry....he understands that that's where my head goes--and his does too. Now I know. Before it felt like he was oblivious. He hid it or it wasn't there. When he speaks, I know. I suppose he could just be saying what he now knows I want to hear, but it's still a helluva lot better than hearing nothing.
Over the weekend the song I Can't Make You Love Me popped in my head. We were in bed and it started a stream of tears. It made me feel helpless. And the truth is none of us can make anyone do anything...including love us. He either loves me or he doesn't. Right now I know he THINKS he does, but I am still so scared that through therapy he may realize he doesn't. And I can't do anything about that. He either does or he doesn't. I can't love him so much that that will make him love me. Once again...I have no control. That's kinda the way love is, right? It isn't something controlled.
I keep thinking about the song he shared with her I Want To Know What Love Is. Does he yet? Does he know what love is? I do. I loved everything about him. Every single thing. Of course now I don't....I don't love whatever made him do this. I hope it turns out to be a self esteem thing, a mid life crisis. Something solveable. Not that he doesn't love me. Can I hurt more? I think I can't. But that's because I have the hope that we can get through this. But if he doesn't love me? Well....that's it. And that will hurt worse. All new questions will arise...did he ever love me...when did he stop loving me...I suppose it's pointless to go down that road right now.
He's been forcing me to look into his eyes while he apologizes...I see what I have always seen. Love. I see sorrow for what he has done to us. But I saw that love while he texted another--I saw that sorrow during the fight (when he admitted he lied to me on the cruise about his 2nd panic attack) when he couldn't tell me he wanted to make our marriage work. What was that sorrow then? That he WANTED to leave...or that he didn't know how to stop the affair or ...god knows what
He still can't answer the when. I feel like he should know whether he loved her while we celebrated our anniversary. Wouldn't you remember feeling like the biggest hypocrite and piece of shit celebrating our love while telling another woman you loved her? He's "pretty sure" it was still just friends then. I am pretty sure I'd like him to really figure it out. Does it matter now? He claims he was thinking of ways to re propose..possibly on our anniversary..wouldn't he know if he was loving another woman while planning this? He claims he even thought of doing it on the cruise....was that before he loved another woman or while he loved her? Why would he want to do that while with her? He claims he decided our 20th would be a better time...so he was planning on being here in 4 years while loving her? (Or was that BEFORE he loved her?) Does that mean anything? Does that mean he was just lying to her? Did he really never want to leave? Does he even know? Will he ever figure it out?
I want to believe him so badly. I guess I don't trust that he isn't lying to himself. He's making me believe that he believes it...I see the love, I feel the love...I feel the regret. But...is he lying to himself, thinking he's telling me the truth?
I can't make him love me. I can't make him be truthful--to me or himself. I can't make him do anything. I hope his therapist can. Or the self help books. Something.
When he apologizes he does it while trashing himself. I told him that's not what I want. I want to hear the sorry's and I want the truth...if that's what he's thinking then yes tell me...but I don't WANT him to feel that way. The path to our happiness is him learning to love himself (if it turns out to be a self esteem thing) Trash talking himself is not going to fix this. I try to get him to see the difference between what he DID and who he IS. He did something bad that doesn't mean he IS bad. I want the truth of him thinking that, if he is but I want him to see that it isn't healthy and work on finding a way to stop thinking that. He can stop thinking he is bad and still feel sorry about what he did.
I had our love story written. It was a story of fate bringing together two soulmates and them having a long, happy, perfect life together. Sure there were tiny obstacles to overcome together but it was never about questioning their love and loyalty to each other. My story didn't include ever loving anyone else. It was always just the two of us. It wasn't written in stone, it wasn't written anywhere other than my heart and head. The story has changed but that doesn't mean the ending can't be the same. I have to accept that it is unwritten. I can't predict the path to that happy ending. I can't will it to be. It will unfold slowly and I must be patient. The happy ending I want is worth the wait and although I can't control it or make it happen, it's ok to stick around and see if it will materialize. All I can do is have faith.
Did you catch the subtle references to songs? I wasn't even trying...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten" George Michael "Faith" What would life be like without songs? They pick us up, they let us cry with them and they make us dance when we need to forget it all.
Today I choose to dance. Life is short. This is hard, but my family has something much worse going on right now...an aunt just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, tumors throughout her whole body. I may hurt, but I will live. I choose to embrace life and with the start of a new month, I want to focus on living and loving and singing and dancing. I know I will have setbacks but today I choose optimism that the future will bring more smiles and less tears!
Over the weekend the song I Can't Make You Love Me popped in my head. We were in bed and it started a stream of tears. It made me feel helpless. And the truth is none of us can make anyone do anything...including love us. He either loves me or he doesn't. Right now I know he THINKS he does, but I am still so scared that through therapy he may realize he doesn't. And I can't do anything about that. He either does or he doesn't. I can't love him so much that that will make him love me. Once again...I have no control. That's kinda the way love is, right? It isn't something controlled.
I keep thinking about the song he shared with her I Want To Know What Love Is. Does he yet? Does he know what love is? I do. I loved everything about him. Every single thing. Of course now I don't....I don't love whatever made him do this. I hope it turns out to be a self esteem thing, a mid life crisis. Something solveable. Not that he doesn't love me. Can I hurt more? I think I can't. But that's because I have the hope that we can get through this. But if he doesn't love me? Well....that's it. And that will hurt worse. All new questions will arise...did he ever love me...when did he stop loving me...I suppose it's pointless to go down that road right now.
He's been forcing me to look into his eyes while he apologizes...I see what I have always seen. Love. I see sorrow for what he has done to us. But I saw that love while he texted another--I saw that sorrow during the fight (when he admitted he lied to me on the cruise about his 2nd panic attack) when he couldn't tell me he wanted to make our marriage work. What was that sorrow then? That he WANTED to leave...or that he didn't know how to stop the affair or ...god knows what
He still can't answer the when. I feel like he should know whether he loved her while we celebrated our anniversary. Wouldn't you remember feeling like the biggest hypocrite and piece of shit celebrating our love while telling another woman you loved her? He's "pretty sure" it was still just friends then. I am pretty sure I'd like him to really figure it out. Does it matter now? He claims he was thinking of ways to re propose..possibly on our anniversary..wouldn't he know if he was loving another woman while planning this? He claims he even thought of doing it on the cruise....was that before he loved another woman or while he loved her? Why would he want to do that while with her? He claims he decided our 20th would be a better time...so he was planning on being here in 4 years while loving her? (Or was that BEFORE he loved her?) Does that mean anything? Does that mean he was just lying to her? Did he really never want to leave? Does he even know? Will he ever figure it out?
I want to believe him so badly. I guess I don't trust that he isn't lying to himself. He's making me believe that he believes it...I see the love, I feel the love...I feel the regret. But...is he lying to himself, thinking he's telling me the truth?
I can't make him love me. I can't make him be truthful--to me or himself. I can't make him do anything. I hope his therapist can. Or the self help books. Something.
When he apologizes he does it while trashing himself. I told him that's not what I want. I want to hear the sorry's and I want the truth...if that's what he's thinking then yes tell me...but I don't WANT him to feel that way. The path to our happiness is him learning to love himself (if it turns out to be a self esteem thing) Trash talking himself is not going to fix this. I try to get him to see the difference between what he DID and who he IS. He did something bad that doesn't mean he IS bad. I want the truth of him thinking that, if he is but I want him to see that it isn't healthy and work on finding a way to stop thinking that. He can stop thinking he is bad and still feel sorry about what he did.
I had our love story written. It was a story of fate bringing together two soulmates and them having a long, happy, perfect life together. Sure there were tiny obstacles to overcome together but it was never about questioning their love and loyalty to each other. My story didn't include ever loving anyone else. It was always just the two of us. It wasn't written in stone, it wasn't written anywhere other than my heart and head. The story has changed but that doesn't mean the ending can't be the same. I have to accept that it is unwritten. I can't predict the path to that happy ending. I can't will it to be. It will unfold slowly and I must be patient. The happy ending I want is worth the wait and although I can't control it or make it happen, it's ok to stick around and see if it will materialize. All I can do is have faith.
Did you catch the subtle references to songs? I wasn't even trying...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten" George Michael "Faith" What would life be like without songs? They pick us up, they let us cry with them and they make us dance when we need to forget it all.
Today I choose to dance. Life is short. This is hard, but my family has something much worse going on right now...an aunt just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, tumors throughout her whole body. I may hurt, but I will live. I choose to embrace life and with the start of a new month, I want to focus on living and loving and singing and dancing. I know I will have setbacks but today I choose optimism that the future will bring more smiles and less tears!
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
No..it didn't JUST happen....
So it's been days since I blogged...other than yesterday about that stupid cunt calling. (I'd apologize for my language, but if you are still reading you are probably way past caring about my potty mouth).
The weekend was rough. I feel good today, so it's hard to get back into that head space but a few things stand out.
I mentioned once that something seems "off". I kinda figured out what that was. He was whistling during dinner when it hit me. He may THINK he hurts like I hurt, but I ain't whistling...
So I came to one of two conclusions:
A) He isn't hurting nearly as bad as I am or at all for that matter
OR
B) He is still lying to me/himself by projecting this carefree attitude.
Obviously neither one of them was sitting well with me.
So I confronted him with my thoughts. I got angry. Because he tries to deny he's lying. We go through the same ole same ole...I want you to be honest with how you are feeling....if you are hurt you are most definitely NOT showing me that. If you are sorry I don't see or feel it. He says he tells me. Literally less than once a day do I hear the words I am sorry. He says by holding me, he's telling me. I explain again how my brain works...silence is the enemy ...holding me is not enough...I don't know what he's thinking when he's holding me....he could be thinking "It would be so much easier to be with Rachel" "Why am I here?" "Will she ever get over this?" I don't know WHAT he is thinking if he's quiet. Him with the excuses...always so many excuses...it seems so simple to me. TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING...BE HONEST...why is that so hard? I accept that it may be hard for him to just start opening up...but does he REALLY want to save our marriage because THIS is what I need.
Day one goes well...he is saying what he is thinking...he texts me random texts that let me know he is sorry, he is hurting....YES...that is what I need.
Day two... a little less...I grow frustrated again...sure the books/therapists would say you need to ask for what you need...it isn't quite the same if I am asking all damn day....why isn't one good, long conversation enough? Perhaps this is how little he thinks of it...in which case...no, he doesn't understand that I am in nearly constant pain. My brain barely giving me any time to think of anything else.
Days since...well we shall see....sure there was a note before he left for work telling me he is sorry...will that be the last time he feels that way today??
Saturday or Sunday, I don't remember...I have a decent night sleep and wake thinking surely I will feel better now, but still I am in this mood. This hopeless mood.
At some point we have the It Just Happened conversation again.
I try to explain in great detail that THAT is not an acceptable statement. That statement gives me no hope for our future. How am I to believe it won't happen again when he takes NO responsibility for it happening in the first place. I explain that "It just happened" means he could walk out the front door look into some random person's eyes and BOOM he's helpless to control it...it just happens....he falls in love with her....He could be at the deli and exchange a glance and "It just happens"...IT DIDN"T JUST FUCKING HAPPEN. It didn't go from "Oh gee you have cute parrots" to "sure stick your tongue in my mouth because I love you sooo much and as soon as you leave your wife we can live happily ever after"....somewhere in there he KNEW he was treading on dangerous territory and he CHOSE to continue forward...it DID NOT just fucking happen....
I explained he's lying to himself to think otherwise and we will not make it if he doesn't stop with the bullshit. He tries to excuse it as just a phrase people use...I will not let him excuse his way out....Not gonna happen....IF we are ever to work the excuses have to stop...the lies to me, to himself....have to stop.
I think he may finally understand and believe that it did NOT just happen. This isn't a fucking fairy tale...it wasn't destiny or fate ...he wasn't a helpless victim to circumstance.
It is imperative that he gets that. He can not find an answer to a question he won't even ask. WHY DID IT HAPPEN?? the answer is NOT "It just did" "I don't know" there is a reason...or we are done.
I will not go through this again. EVER.
There are so many 3 letter sentences that I am tired of hearing..."I don't know" "I don't remember" "It just happened" and one that I can't hear enough "I am sorry". I hear "I love you", he doesn't understand that that isn't enough...he loved me while he cheated...it means nothing...just like getting married twice means nothing....why renew them if you couldn't live them?
I have a conversation about how he can never say he loves me more than I love him...it was something we always did...tried to come up with the best sentence proving we loved the other more..."I love you more than the number of stars in the sky" ..."Well, I love you more than the number of ALL the stars in all of the universes"....I don't want to ever hear he loves me more again...he never will. How many times was I propositioned? How many times tempted by a persistent man? NEVER did I stop being loyal. He claims this started so innocent...well how strong is his love if she wasn't even pursuing him and he faltered? She wasn't coming on to him...she wasn't pursuing him...HE did this.... He actually tries to argue with me...How?? How can he try to make any claim that he loves me as much as I love him? Is he truly that clueless? He compares our marriage to others claiming ours is still better....even though those marriages have not had infidelities (that we know of)....no..no our marriage is not something to be held up as an example to follow....please....be serious...open your eyes....we had an illusion. If it was real....something went terribly wrong, shortly after our 16th wedding anniversary....what happened that you went from "I never properly proposed, I should do it again right" to "I am broken, Rachel....save me from this lonely life"?? You say you didn't feel that way...what made you tell those lies to her...to yourself...all the while lying to me, when I repeatedly gave you opportunities to come clean...specifically mentioning HER at the very least 3 times.
His therapist is on vacation this week...just a delay in getting an answer....how long will it take? How many more of these "episodes" can he handle? I sense his frustration he says "I am trying so hard." "I can't do anything right" those words come so easily...how long til he breaks? How much more can I take?
And now he knows she's waiting. I think he finally believes that I know her better than he does. One insecure woman to another.... I know her. He can't explain why she called...because he doesn't know her. I explain I THOUGHT I knew him...21 years and I was wrong...he's known her a few MONTHS and thinks he knows her..HA! I know her. She wants to hear those words again. She wants to feel his love. He's so good at that...he knows what to say to a lonely, insecure woman...not so much to a hurt, angry strong woman. After our talk he kept saying "I am sorry I broke you" I had to correct him at least twice, maybe 3 times..."You did not break ME, you broke US" I am not broken. I am better than I have ever been. I have learned what I have become...silently, slowly...a stronger woman.
I am here fighting because I love him. The reality is we may not make it. I can chose to take the chance that our love is real and there is something in him that he can fix (as I fixed myself) so we can be stronger than ever and we will end up together. Or maybe I am wrong, he will hurt me again. If I leave now I lose him. If he hurts me again I lose him. I choose to stay and fight because he may not know he is worth it...but I do. I will not spite myself by giving up just to spare myself some hurt when the reward could be a lifetime with this imperfect, but perfect for me, man.
The call changed my mood. For the better. I felt a weight off my shoulder. I know it's weird. Welcome to my way of thinking. I KNEW she would call. Again my instinct right...giving me hope that this instinct I have about us is right. We will make it through. I feel myself at the edge of the cliff. I know I am capable of jumping...jumping with faith and trust that he will catch me and hold me forever and cherish the love that I have given so freely and completely. Not yet. It is too soon. I still want/need/deserve my answers. But I know I have the capacity to trust him completely again. When/if he ever proves he deserves it.
I treated myself to a massage today...and even got talked into (hah--she only had to ask!) a facial and a foot scrub. I enjoyed it more than I ever have. Often I wondered why I get massages, I'd be so tense with a stranger touching me. Why? Today I felt...safe?...deserving? I'm not sure...but I allowed myself to just go with it. The most relaxing massage I have ever had. She kept telling me I was a "beautiful woman"...compliments so uncomfortable for me, usually...I just kept smiling and thanking her. I like this new me. This me I have been but didn't want to acknowledge.
The weekend was rough. I feel good today, so it's hard to get back into that head space but a few things stand out.
I mentioned once that something seems "off". I kinda figured out what that was. He was whistling during dinner when it hit me. He may THINK he hurts like I hurt, but I ain't whistling...
So I came to one of two conclusions:
A) He isn't hurting nearly as bad as I am or at all for that matter
OR
B) He is still lying to me/himself by projecting this carefree attitude.
Obviously neither one of them was sitting well with me.
So I confronted him with my thoughts. I got angry. Because he tries to deny he's lying. We go through the same ole same ole...I want you to be honest with how you are feeling....if you are hurt you are most definitely NOT showing me that. If you are sorry I don't see or feel it. He says he tells me. Literally less than once a day do I hear the words I am sorry. He says by holding me, he's telling me. I explain again how my brain works...silence is the enemy ...holding me is not enough...I don't know what he's thinking when he's holding me....he could be thinking "It would be so much easier to be with Rachel" "Why am I here?" "Will she ever get over this?" I don't know WHAT he is thinking if he's quiet. Him with the excuses...always so many excuses...it seems so simple to me. TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING...BE HONEST...why is that so hard? I accept that it may be hard for him to just start opening up...but does he REALLY want to save our marriage because THIS is what I need.
Day one goes well...he is saying what he is thinking...he texts me random texts that let me know he is sorry, he is hurting....YES...that is what I need.
Day two... a little less...I grow frustrated again...sure the books/therapists would say you need to ask for what you need...it isn't quite the same if I am asking all damn day....why isn't one good, long conversation enough? Perhaps this is how little he thinks of it...in which case...no, he doesn't understand that I am in nearly constant pain. My brain barely giving me any time to think of anything else.
Days since...well we shall see....sure there was a note before he left for work telling me he is sorry...will that be the last time he feels that way today??
Saturday or Sunday, I don't remember...I have a decent night sleep and wake thinking surely I will feel better now, but still I am in this mood. This hopeless mood.
At some point we have the It Just Happened conversation again.
I try to explain in great detail that THAT is not an acceptable statement. That statement gives me no hope for our future. How am I to believe it won't happen again when he takes NO responsibility for it happening in the first place. I explain that "It just happened" means he could walk out the front door look into some random person's eyes and BOOM he's helpless to control it...it just happens....he falls in love with her....He could be at the deli and exchange a glance and "It just happens"...IT DIDN"T JUST FUCKING HAPPEN. It didn't go from "Oh gee you have cute parrots" to "sure stick your tongue in my mouth because I love you sooo much and as soon as you leave your wife we can live happily ever after"....somewhere in there he KNEW he was treading on dangerous territory and he CHOSE to continue forward...it DID NOT just fucking happen....
I explained he's lying to himself to think otherwise and we will not make it if he doesn't stop with the bullshit. He tries to excuse it as just a phrase people use...I will not let him excuse his way out....Not gonna happen....IF we are ever to work the excuses have to stop...the lies to me, to himself....have to stop.
I think he may finally understand and believe that it did NOT just happen. This isn't a fucking fairy tale...it wasn't destiny or fate ...he wasn't a helpless victim to circumstance.
It is imperative that he gets that. He can not find an answer to a question he won't even ask. WHY DID IT HAPPEN?? the answer is NOT "It just did" "I don't know" there is a reason...or we are done.
I will not go through this again. EVER.
There are so many 3 letter sentences that I am tired of hearing..."I don't know" "I don't remember" "It just happened" and one that I can't hear enough "I am sorry". I hear "I love you", he doesn't understand that that isn't enough...he loved me while he cheated...it means nothing...just like getting married twice means nothing....why renew them if you couldn't live them?
I have a conversation about how he can never say he loves me more than I love him...it was something we always did...tried to come up with the best sentence proving we loved the other more..."I love you more than the number of stars in the sky" ..."Well, I love you more than the number of ALL the stars in all of the universes"....I don't want to ever hear he loves me more again...he never will. How many times was I propositioned? How many times tempted by a persistent man? NEVER did I stop being loyal. He claims this started so innocent...well how strong is his love if she wasn't even pursuing him and he faltered? She wasn't coming on to him...she wasn't pursuing him...HE did this.... He actually tries to argue with me...How?? How can he try to make any claim that he loves me as much as I love him? Is he truly that clueless? He compares our marriage to others claiming ours is still better....even though those marriages have not had infidelities (that we know of)....no..no our marriage is not something to be held up as an example to follow....please....be serious...open your eyes....we had an illusion. If it was real....something went terribly wrong, shortly after our 16th wedding anniversary....what happened that you went from "I never properly proposed, I should do it again right" to "I am broken, Rachel....save me from this lonely life"?? You say you didn't feel that way...what made you tell those lies to her...to yourself...all the while lying to me, when I repeatedly gave you opportunities to come clean...specifically mentioning HER at the very least 3 times.
His therapist is on vacation this week...just a delay in getting an answer....how long will it take? How many more of these "episodes" can he handle? I sense his frustration he says "I am trying so hard." "I can't do anything right" those words come so easily...how long til he breaks? How much more can I take?
And now he knows she's waiting. I think he finally believes that I know her better than he does. One insecure woman to another.... I know her. He can't explain why she called...because he doesn't know her. I explain I THOUGHT I knew him...21 years and I was wrong...he's known her a few MONTHS and thinks he knows her..HA! I know her. She wants to hear those words again. She wants to feel his love. He's so good at that...he knows what to say to a lonely, insecure woman...not so much to a hurt, angry strong woman. After our talk he kept saying "I am sorry I broke you" I had to correct him at least twice, maybe 3 times..."You did not break ME, you broke US" I am not broken. I am better than I have ever been. I have learned what I have become...silently, slowly...a stronger woman.
I am here fighting because I love him. The reality is we may not make it. I can chose to take the chance that our love is real and there is something in him that he can fix (as I fixed myself) so we can be stronger than ever and we will end up together. Or maybe I am wrong, he will hurt me again. If I leave now I lose him. If he hurts me again I lose him. I choose to stay and fight because he may not know he is worth it...but I do. I will not spite myself by giving up just to spare myself some hurt when the reward could be a lifetime with this imperfect, but perfect for me, man.
The call changed my mood. For the better. I felt a weight off my shoulder. I know it's weird. Welcome to my way of thinking. I KNEW she would call. Again my instinct right...giving me hope that this instinct I have about us is right. We will make it through. I feel myself at the edge of the cliff. I know I am capable of jumping...jumping with faith and trust that he will catch me and hold me forever and cherish the love that I have given so freely and completely. Not yet. It is too soon. I still want/need/deserve my answers. But I know I have the capacity to trust him completely again. When/if he ever proves he deserves it.
I treated myself to a massage today...and even got talked into (hah--she only had to ask!) a facial and a foot scrub. I enjoyed it more than I ever have. Often I wondered why I get massages, I'd be so tense with a stranger touching me. Why? Today I felt...safe?...deserving? I'm not sure...but I allowed myself to just go with it. The most relaxing massage I have ever had. She kept telling me I was a "beautiful woman"...compliments so uncomfortable for me, usually...I just kept smiling and thanking her. I like this new me. This me I have been but didn't want to acknowledge.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Ballsy little whore
Real quick....more details tomorrow when I have all day to write (change in plans, he's gonna watch some TV, so I can finish now)
She called him today.
I saw it as a missed call. I had deleted her contact but I recognized the first few digits, confirmed it with a screenshot I have and when he got back inside told him she called.
He was shocked. Me, not so much....I don't remember what I shared regarding the texts I made him send. Basically I was trying to find out if she would take him back. He kinda blew it with the first text proving it was him. And the follow up I made him send was a 180 from the one he wrote himself. It said he was really unhappy, things were much worse and there was no way he was staying but he was going to go to therapy to "try" to make it look like he tried. He wanted her reassurance that she'd be there for him. He didn't think she'd buy it. I wasn't so sure. I have been waiting for her to try to reach him. He was so sure it was over...we could put the past behind us. My gut said otherwise...BINGO...right again...so I actually was pretty happy with this development. The past few days have been shit, no time to blog but I will try to remember what was going on in my head and share tomorrow (after my much deserved massage!!).
I made him call her back... Not on speaker. There was a lot of Hello, can you hear me? and finally he just says "What's up?"...I can hear her tone, but not really any words. She doesn't sound angry, it's a lot of "I thought I'd hear from you, just want to know what's going on. Are you ok? Wasn't sure it was you texting me?" etc. So I dunno, correct me if I am wrong, sounds like someone is hoping, praying that perhaps that last text had some truth. She waits 2 weeks to call....the text said "I'm going to give therapy a couple of weeks". She couldn't wait anymore..it's been 3 weeks since she heard his voice, saw him, got any texts. She was waiting. Wanting to believe all of the lies he fed her. That he loved her more, that he couldn't picture a future without her.
His first words to her question "How are you?" were "I am working on my marriage!" Kind of with an exasperation like..you aren't helping. She didn't hear that. She just kept going. He kept repeating it adding he's going to therapy. She's still going on and on...I hear her say "I am here for you"...these aren't words from a woman who is moving on, who gets that she isn't wanted. She still loves him....she wants to believe that last text.
It's been way too many minutes...I hold up my hand and do a count down from 5...he nods, he understands...he isn't really doing any talking but to me his listening is sending the wrong message. They will be there for each other still, to commiserate about their miserable lonely lives. I have had enough..I stand up and head for the phone...he is abrupt, cuts her off (as he should have without my insistence) "Rachel, I have to go"...he says her voice instantly changed...I couldn't hear it...my thoughts were on what I was going to say when I got that phone....he says he could hear that she got it...I have doubts. I expect there may be a call in the future. I wish this was completely over. I wish he had said "don't call me ever again"....the fact that she responded to my texts makes me think she still thinks there's hope. The way she acted like I was the one contacting her first...like maybe I was phishing and didn't KNOW she had called him. Maybe expecting he will call her in a day or two and tell her all of things she wants to hear. He thinks if the phone call didn't do it that the texts did...I don't know....time will tell. I feel a closure knowing I don't know much, but I do know insecure women and I nailed this... I know what I would be doing...rereading those texts trying to figure out if he was sending me a coded message. Wondering how long I would have to wait but sure he would come to me...sure that he couldn't be with such an angry, vicious bitch and he would come to me..the loving, gentle one. Replaying the conversation...maybe he wasn't able to reveal his true feelings because that bitch was sitting there....holding on to that hope. I think he should have texted her after our text exchange...telling her to delete him and forget him. He thinks it isn't necessary..I told him if she calls again or texts again....no more beating around the bush.....destroy the cunt.
I waited over an hour...and texted her from my phone. Stupid copy/paste not working...hang on...
You poor, pitiful cunt....3 weeks? That's how long your dignity lasted?? Let me be clear...you need to delete "David" from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There was never anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.
Calling him David...even though he hates that...why did he let her do that??
There were some deliberate references to a text she had sent me...the restraining order...telling me to focus my crazy, psycho energy on my marriage.
I gave it a 25% chance she would respond. He was sure she wouldn't. I reminded him he was sure of a lot of things about her and so far I'm batting 1000, him not so much.
She replied...damn, I really thought she would be smarter than that.
Although I am forgetting you and David you seem to think of me a lot I'll forget about you if you stop pulling me into your life work on your marriage leave me the hell alone none of your name claiing means anything to me ... good luck
Poor punctuation is all hers...not a bright one in any way.
Of course I wasn't going to let THAT go...
You called him...you started this again...YOU need to let it go. It is fucking OVER for you. Go find another husband since obviously no single man wants you.
I let that sit for a bit and then felt compelled to add:
Perhaps if I send you a youtube video of Let It Go..you may understand a little better? Since songs seem to be your primary means of communication??
I doubt she figured out I was calling her stupid...but hey...I haven't heard back.
And so the soap opera continues....
She called him today.
I saw it as a missed call. I had deleted her contact but I recognized the first few digits, confirmed it with a screenshot I have and when he got back inside told him she called.
He was shocked. Me, not so much....I don't remember what I shared regarding the texts I made him send. Basically I was trying to find out if she would take him back. He kinda blew it with the first text proving it was him. And the follow up I made him send was a 180 from the one he wrote himself. It said he was really unhappy, things were much worse and there was no way he was staying but he was going to go to therapy to "try" to make it look like he tried. He wanted her reassurance that she'd be there for him. He didn't think she'd buy it. I wasn't so sure. I have been waiting for her to try to reach him. He was so sure it was over...we could put the past behind us. My gut said otherwise...BINGO...right again...so I actually was pretty happy with this development. The past few days have been shit, no time to blog but I will try to remember what was going on in my head and share tomorrow (after my much deserved massage!!).
I made him call her back... Not on speaker. There was a lot of Hello, can you hear me? and finally he just says "What's up?"...I can hear her tone, but not really any words. She doesn't sound angry, it's a lot of "I thought I'd hear from you, just want to know what's going on. Are you ok? Wasn't sure it was you texting me?" etc. So I dunno, correct me if I am wrong, sounds like someone is hoping, praying that perhaps that last text had some truth. She waits 2 weeks to call....the text said "I'm going to give therapy a couple of weeks". She couldn't wait anymore..it's been 3 weeks since she heard his voice, saw him, got any texts. She was waiting. Wanting to believe all of the lies he fed her. That he loved her more, that he couldn't picture a future without her.
His first words to her question "How are you?" were "I am working on my marriage!" Kind of with an exasperation like..you aren't helping. She didn't hear that. She just kept going. He kept repeating it adding he's going to therapy. She's still going on and on...I hear her say "I am here for you"...these aren't words from a woman who is moving on, who gets that she isn't wanted. She still loves him....she wants to believe that last text.
It's been way too many minutes...I hold up my hand and do a count down from 5...he nods, he understands...he isn't really doing any talking but to me his listening is sending the wrong message. They will be there for each other still, to commiserate about their miserable lonely lives. I have had enough..I stand up and head for the phone...he is abrupt, cuts her off (as he should have without my insistence) "Rachel, I have to go"...he says her voice instantly changed...I couldn't hear it...my thoughts were on what I was going to say when I got that phone....he says he could hear that she got it...I have doubts. I expect there may be a call in the future. I wish this was completely over. I wish he had said "don't call me ever again"....the fact that she responded to my texts makes me think she still thinks there's hope. The way she acted like I was the one contacting her first...like maybe I was phishing and didn't KNOW she had called him. Maybe expecting he will call her in a day or two and tell her all of things she wants to hear. He thinks if the phone call didn't do it that the texts did...I don't know....time will tell. I feel a closure knowing I don't know much, but I do know insecure women and I nailed this... I know what I would be doing...rereading those texts trying to figure out if he was sending me a coded message. Wondering how long I would have to wait but sure he would come to me...sure that he couldn't be with such an angry, vicious bitch and he would come to me..the loving, gentle one. Replaying the conversation...maybe he wasn't able to reveal his true feelings because that bitch was sitting there....holding on to that hope. I think he should have texted her after our text exchange...telling her to delete him and forget him. He thinks it isn't necessary..I told him if she calls again or texts again....no more beating around the bush.....destroy the cunt.
I waited over an hour...and texted her from my phone. Stupid copy/paste not working...hang on...
You poor, pitiful cunt....3 weeks? That's how long your dignity lasted?? Let me be clear...you need to delete "David" from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There was never anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.
Calling him David...even though he hates that...why did he let her do that??
There were some deliberate references to a text she had sent me...the restraining order...telling me to focus my crazy, psycho energy on my marriage.
I gave it a 25% chance she would respond. He was sure she wouldn't. I reminded him he was sure of a lot of things about her and so far I'm batting 1000, him not so much.
She replied...damn, I really thought she would be smarter than that.
Although I am forgetting you and David you seem to think of me a lot I'll forget about you if you stop pulling me into your life work on your marriage leave me the hell alone none of your name claiing means anything to me ... good luck
Poor punctuation is all hers...not a bright one in any way.
Of course I wasn't going to let THAT go...
You called him...you started this again...YOU need to let it go. It is fucking OVER for you. Go find another husband since obviously no single man wants you.
I let that sit for a bit and then felt compelled to add:
Perhaps if I send you a youtube video of Let It Go..you may understand a little better? Since songs seem to be your primary means of communication??
I doubt she figured out I was calling her stupid...but hey...I haven't heard back.
And so the soap opera continues....
You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.
You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.
You poor, pitiful cunt...3 weeks? That’s how long your dignity lasted? Let me be clear...you need to delete “David” from your contacts. You need to start reading your bible more. You missed a commandment or two. There never was anything real between you. So unless YOU would like to be the one on the end of a restraining order, I suggest you focus your desperate, whorish energy on your job and your kids.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Some breakthroughs about myself
HAH! You thought you were gonna make it through the day without hearing from me, didn't you??
It started out rough...woke at 4 am to pee and that was it...can't blame the cat today. I did NOT want to get up, so I laid in bed, playing on my phone, hoping for my eyes to become heavy and my brain to shut up....Finally tried to fall asleep about 5:15. Dave woke to pee and must have sensed I was awake. He rubbed my back off and on for a bit and I finally fell asleep. Not long after I awoke from a nightmare... a guy was in my back seat (I drive a 2 seater, so even in my dream, this seemed bizarre) and was trying to get me to pullover so he could rape me....I just kept driving hoping to get somewhere where there were people, but it was pretty desolate and I finally woke up when he got more aggressive about me pulling over. I fell back asleep fairly quickly, only to be woken up by another nightmare...something about Dave and Rachel still texting after all that's been going on...got out of that nightmare fast, so I don't even really know what they were texting, if it was starting it up again or just final goodbyes. Fell asleep til about 7:30 and finally gave up.
It was a beautiful morning, we went for a run around 9, came back had breakfast and decided it wasn't too soon for a nap. We both slept about an hour and a half.
Then off to get a haircut. I was feeling ok...and switching radio stations to try to find something upbeat to keep my mood up. But...I Want To Know What Love Is was on...I quickly turned it off. It was a song he shared with her...specifically discussing how the last line was so meaningful --- let me refresh your memory: Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.
And then anxiety....almost had to turn around and come home. Talked myself down. He told me he didn't feel lonely then...or now...and he still doesn't now why---it just happened.
Sitting in the chair, getting my hair cut...I tear up...don't remember why....try to change the subject in my head...few minutes later I start thinking about my bff and tearing up, feeling horrible that I doubted, even for a second, that he wouldn't be there for me. He has been so amazing. His heart as big as I knew it was...don't tell anyone...he cherishes his reputation that he is a complete asshole.
Then I had some real moments of clarity. I wanted to write it down to remember. By the time I got home, they were gone. Just brief snippets of what I had been thinking. I let my mind relax and they came back to me, somewhat.
First. I have had a lot of trouble reconciling how someone who loves someone like he claims to love me, could ALSO love someone else and how they could repeatedly do this for three months. My moment of clarity showed me that it was possible, unfortunately the reasoning behind how it's possible hasn't come back to me yet. But I remember thinking it was a valid and logical explanation. So I hope to have that thought again.
Second. Was about me. I keep claiming this has nothing to do with me and that I KNOW that. But, of course, there is doubt. And, as I have said, some part of me wants to be responsible..to give ME the ability to change, to be in control of something. If I had a role, I can fix it...if I didn't it's out of my hands. I know some of you may disagree with me here. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I sometimes put on an act in front of friends or family, where I act like I wear the pants, I come across as bossy and a bit of a bitch to live with. I am not like that at all at home. As I have said, I have spent the last several years trying to be a better wife..a better person. And I have been successful. I have changed my role in this relationship to be more giving, more caring and he acknowledges that. This was NOT my fault at all. Sure I had a pretty long depressive episode. Would you be ok with a husband having an emotional affair if his wife had cancer? Well, same thing applies here. It's an illness...it's in the vows..sickness and health, better or worse....THIS IS SO ON HIM!!
I am here to say that I can no longer play myself off as a victim, someone deserving empathy for a childhood full of bullying. Claim to have low self esteem. Sure, I have moments. But the majority of the last, who knows how many years, I have felt worthy of his love. I have felt confidence in myself. I look at my assets and downplay my flaws. My clarity showed me this. It allowed me to see that the reason I am here is NOT because of low self esteem and thinking I can't have better or that I deserve this. I am here because I love him. The only way I can make it through the tough times ahead is because I have enough self esteem to believe in myself to handle it. I can even state that he doesn't deserve me. And he doesn't as the person he is now. But that doesn't mean he can't improve himself to be worthy. I felt bad feeling that way, telling him that. Because if this IS about his self esteem, I shouldn't be piling onto the problem by telling him he doesn't deserve me. But it is true. I deserve better than a liar and a cheater. I told him I believe he can be better. I trust his strength to find the reasons why he feels so shitty about himself and fix it. I have confidence in him that he will find out why he did this. He can become the man I deserve and we can have a good life together again....forever this time. No more pain. Because I don't deserve to be in a relationship that hurts me. I still don't believe either of us can be happy without a valid reason why he did this. I will never be able to trust him and I deserve a relationship with trust and he doesn't deserve to have a partner who never believes him--if we don't get an answer, that would be our future and that is a dismal future and no way to live. So I do still have some doubt if we can get through. Because I do have some doubt that he can figure out why. But I am also full of hope. Hope that we can. And peace knowing I will be ok, either way. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with THIS man....but I will be ok if it doesn't come to that.
Realizing why I am here has given me renewed strength and hope. I was so afraid I was staying for the wrong reasons: Fear of the unknown --thinking I was settling for less than I deserve. Today made me realize, I can falter and try to blame myself or think I deserved it but the reality is my self esteem is in such a good place now that even this seismic, mind boggling blow to what I believed to be a perfect life can't sway my confidence in myself. I am the strong woman so many people thought I was. It wasn't an act. I "faked it til you make it" and it turns out I will be just fine.
It started out rough...woke at 4 am to pee and that was it...can't blame the cat today. I did NOT want to get up, so I laid in bed, playing on my phone, hoping for my eyes to become heavy and my brain to shut up....Finally tried to fall asleep about 5:15. Dave woke to pee and must have sensed I was awake. He rubbed my back off and on for a bit and I finally fell asleep. Not long after I awoke from a nightmare... a guy was in my back seat (I drive a 2 seater, so even in my dream, this seemed bizarre) and was trying to get me to pullover so he could rape me....I just kept driving hoping to get somewhere where there were people, but it was pretty desolate and I finally woke up when he got more aggressive about me pulling over. I fell back asleep fairly quickly, only to be woken up by another nightmare...something about Dave and Rachel still texting after all that's been going on...got out of that nightmare fast, so I don't even really know what they were texting, if it was starting it up again or just final goodbyes. Fell asleep til about 7:30 and finally gave up.
It was a beautiful morning, we went for a run around 9, came back had breakfast and decided it wasn't too soon for a nap. We both slept about an hour and a half.
Then off to get a haircut. I was feeling ok...and switching radio stations to try to find something upbeat to keep my mood up. But...I Want To Know What Love Is was on...I quickly turned it off. It was a song he shared with her...specifically discussing how the last line was so meaningful --- let me refresh your memory: Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.
And then anxiety....almost had to turn around and come home. Talked myself down. He told me he didn't feel lonely then...or now...and he still doesn't now why---it just happened.
Sitting in the chair, getting my hair cut...I tear up...don't remember why....try to change the subject in my head...few minutes later I start thinking about my bff and tearing up, feeling horrible that I doubted, even for a second, that he wouldn't be there for me. He has been so amazing. His heart as big as I knew it was...don't tell anyone...he cherishes his reputation that he is a complete asshole.
Then I had some real moments of clarity. I wanted to write it down to remember. By the time I got home, they were gone. Just brief snippets of what I had been thinking. I let my mind relax and they came back to me, somewhat.
First. I have had a lot of trouble reconciling how someone who loves someone like he claims to love me, could ALSO love someone else and how they could repeatedly do this for three months. My moment of clarity showed me that it was possible, unfortunately the reasoning behind how it's possible hasn't come back to me yet. But I remember thinking it was a valid and logical explanation. So I hope to have that thought again.
Second. Was about me. I keep claiming this has nothing to do with me and that I KNOW that. But, of course, there is doubt. And, as I have said, some part of me wants to be responsible..to give ME the ability to change, to be in control of something. If I had a role, I can fix it...if I didn't it's out of my hands. I know some of you may disagree with me here. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I sometimes put on an act in front of friends or family, where I act like I wear the pants, I come across as bossy and a bit of a bitch to live with. I am not like that at all at home. As I have said, I have spent the last several years trying to be a better wife..a better person. And I have been successful. I have changed my role in this relationship to be more giving, more caring and he acknowledges that. This was NOT my fault at all. Sure I had a pretty long depressive episode. Would you be ok with a husband having an emotional affair if his wife had cancer? Well, same thing applies here. It's an illness...it's in the vows..sickness and health, better or worse....THIS IS SO ON HIM!!
I am here to say that I can no longer play myself off as a victim, someone deserving empathy for a childhood full of bullying. Claim to have low self esteem. Sure, I have moments. But the majority of the last, who knows how many years, I have felt worthy of his love. I have felt confidence in myself. I look at my assets and downplay my flaws. My clarity showed me this. It allowed me to see that the reason I am here is NOT because of low self esteem and thinking I can't have better or that I deserve this. I am here because I love him. The only way I can make it through the tough times ahead is because I have enough self esteem to believe in myself to handle it. I can even state that he doesn't deserve me. And he doesn't as the person he is now. But that doesn't mean he can't improve himself to be worthy. I felt bad feeling that way, telling him that. Because if this IS about his self esteem, I shouldn't be piling onto the problem by telling him he doesn't deserve me. But it is true. I deserve better than a liar and a cheater. I told him I believe he can be better. I trust his strength to find the reasons why he feels so shitty about himself and fix it. I have confidence in him that he will find out why he did this. He can become the man I deserve and we can have a good life together again....forever this time. No more pain. Because I don't deserve to be in a relationship that hurts me. I still don't believe either of us can be happy without a valid reason why he did this. I will never be able to trust him and I deserve a relationship with trust and he doesn't deserve to have a partner who never believes him--if we don't get an answer, that would be our future and that is a dismal future and no way to live. So I do still have some doubt if we can get through. Because I do have some doubt that he can figure out why. But I am also full of hope. Hope that we can. And peace knowing I will be ok, either way. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with THIS man....but I will be ok if it doesn't come to that.
Realizing why I am here has given me renewed strength and hope. I was so afraid I was staying for the wrong reasons: Fear of the unknown --thinking I was settling for less than I deserve. Today made me realize, I can falter and try to blame myself or think I deserved it but the reality is my self esteem is in such a good place now that even this seismic, mind boggling blow to what I believed to be a perfect life can't sway my confidence in myself. I am the strong woman so many people thought I was. It wasn't an act. I "faked it til you make it" and it turns out I will be just fine.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Just Another Day, Another Blog
Tired of reading?
I am tired of writing.
I am tired of waking up before the sun.
I am tired of the hurt and doubt.
I am tired.
Blame this one on the cat. She loves to vomit around 5 am.
I stayed in bed til 6:30 and then gave up.
I guess this is why I know it's smart to not work more hours. I need the days off so I can at least nap.
My naps still ridiculously short.
The overthinking. That's what is killing me.
Think. Think. Think....so tired of thinking.
I claim I am impatient. It's been 2 1/2 weeks...of course I am not going to get a why any time soon.
Of course, I should still not trust. Of course, it should still hurt.
I hate uncertainty..I may have mentioned that a dozen times or so. If I had a timeframe it would help.
That marathon training would come in handy. I'd know if I was half way there...a quarter way....I'd be able to give my brain something to shoot for...the next marker, so to speak. "If you make it another week, you will only have X weeks to go". But I have nothing. No guarantee that there will be an end and even worse no guarantee that if there is an end there will be relief. It could just lead to more pain, new pain...re-opening whatever part of the wound has healed.
He says he's sure we will make it through. Sure the why won't lead to our end. Sure he wants to be here and that his love for me is the right kind of love. I don't doubt his love. I wrote about it before...he "loves" everyone. His confidence doesn't sound as strong as I think he thinks it does. Any sign of weakness on his part screams at me to run. He has to be more than sure. And the intelligent part of me knows this is impossible...Death and taxes the only sure things in life.
He didn't like hearing that yesterday (and the day before) my mornings were filled with 0% confidence this was going to work. He insisted it had to be more than 0 or why was I still here? I suppose he's right...it had to be more than 0. But it feels like 0.
I re-read the poem I wrote and want to feel that sure again. But my mind just keeps rehashing every single moment of our 21 years...questioning where he was in his mind during those happy memories. Were they real? Were there other emotional affairs that I will never know about? He claims it was all real and there weren't. He is a liar. He has been a liar probably as long as I have known him. He still can't accept that. He says he does but he qualifies it. I point out how far back the lies go and he tries to be dismissive. Still in denial of who he is. Wondering why I question if I really do know him.
There is no reason to be honest about the past, I have no way of discovering if he was lying. Proof of past indiscretions long gone, if there were any. He lies to protect me (in reality, himself)...why would he tell the truth now? It would hurt me (him). And he knows there is no way I could ever catch him in these lies. "If you really feel that way, why are you here?" frustration and impatience in his voice...
How can HE feel frustrated? How can HE be impatient? HE DID THIS!
I try to make comparisons to what my ex did. Waiting for him to reach that point when it's no longer his fault for doing this..but mine for not "letting it go". That's not fair. That doesn't help us.
I can pretend this is the same. It is not. When I found out about my ex cheating, I remember my first thoughts...almost 30 damn years and I remember EXACTLY how I felt. "I will do ANYTHING to not lose him" Immediately I felt that way. Not out of love. Out of desperation. Back then, all I knew was that I wanted to get married. And he was the only way to make that happen. I was ugly. I had no positive thoughts about myself. I was smart. Smart women don't attract men. He was my only chance...not at happiness...but at marriage. I really didn't care about anything but not ending up a "spinster". Pitiful.
It is different this time. My thoughts were scrambled when I read those texts. I ran upstairs...heart racing, skin tingling with fear, anxiety....and I wanted him to tell me I read them wrong. I don't know how I thought he would explain it, but all I wanted to hear was that I was wrong.
I wanted him gone. I threw him out so many times. But I gave him no way to leave. I wouldn't give his phone back, told him he couldn't have a car. Told him to leave the credit card and bank card. And just walk. Hours later I regretted all of that. Because now I thought he stayed because...how was he to leave? On foot..at 1 in the morning? Where was he to go? I told him I was wrong. And told him to go again. He's still here. Did I wonder this past Monday when he hadn't texted me at 11:30...an hour after his session started..if he wasn't coming back? Yes....I did. It was momentary...the real definition, not his definition.
He tried to use the words "momentary lapse" last night to describe this affair---I went on a little tirade about that. Ok...maybe a long one and not so much a tirade as a story...My anger level didn't reach rage proportions as it has. I explained "momentary" means lasting less than a minute. I described how he picked that phone up time and time again to text her inappropriate things...sometimes sitting right next to me. Sometimes walking in an Alaskan town, surrounded by friends and family. And time and time again made the CHOICE to do the wrong thing. The CHOICE to hurt me. I described him standing at the garage door, waving good bye to me, while thinking about how soon he could get to her. Actively going upstairs, showering..knowing it was for her...to see her...picking out clothes to get dressed to go see her...taking one of his shirts to give her...putting his key in the ignition and backing out of OUR driveway to see HER, putting his tongue in her mouth...All of these actions requiring conscious thought. Each a moment for him to realize he could stop this. Each choice knowing it was hurting me, hurting us. This was not A momentary lapse....this was THREE months of actively, consciously choosing to hurt me. Don't tell me it was a momen fucking tary lapse....PLEASE.
And this is when I wonder...can I really get past this? Not when he tries to minimize it. No. No. I will not allow it. My ex did that. Not this time, motherfucker. I will not allow it.
I think I can get past it if the why is legit. If the why comes soon enough. And if I ever think he actually GETS what he did. He destroyed it all. All of our memories. How can I think anything was real, when this last vacation seemed no different than every other good one we had?
He suggested we forget it all and just start making new memories, if that's what I need to do.
That's part of the problem. I want our past to stay the happy past I thought it was. I am afraid if we move on and he does this again...I will hate him. I will lose all of it. All of the good times. Half of my life will have been a total waste and total lie. A full fledged regret. No child to stop me from saying "This was a complete mistake". With my ex, I can't say that...I have to qualify it with "Well I wouldn't have had this amazing kid"...with Dave...there will be nothing....just wasted time on a man I never knew. A complete fraud. I can't bear for it to come to that.
That thinking is useless. Is that why I am avoiding going to therapy? I don't want someone telling me not to think like that. Telling me it is harmful. I already know that. So why am I doing it? Why do so many questions end in "why's" with no answers? Can't one damn why have an answer?
He is still sleeping. That still makes me crazy. Not so much that he CAN sleep, but that he claims he isn't sleeping...Bitch, you are sleeping WAY more than I am. Stop lying to yourself. You may not be sleeping well, but you weren't when you were cheating and guess what THAT was another chance to say "Hey, why am I doing this, not just to her, but to me?" "How is this helping me? It is hurting me"
I cling to that. That the pain he put himself through did not outweigh those pleasures. I think there's something in there. There has to be. Like a person who cuts themselves. Why do they do that? It hurts. It scars. Where is the pleasure? Were stolen kisses and gushy words worth the weight loss, the sleepless nights? Why did he want to hurt himself? He had the power to stop..even if it meant leaving me...why not make it stop?
Why don't I make this pain stop? I think if someone told me, promised me, swore on everything....that I would have NO MORE PAIN...not one more second if I left right now. I would do it. But, the reality is I will still be in pain. And I will lose this man I love with ALL...every single fucking ounce...of my heart. And that is where the real difference is between now and my ex. Love.
I am a different person. I know men find me attractive. I know I am funny. I love my quirks. I know I can give love and affection. I know I am strong. I am way more confident.
This isn't about desperation. I want to be with him. I want him to be the man I have always thought he was. Just more flawed than I realized. I want this to be explainable and "cureable".
I also want the pain to end.
I don't want to put a timetable on it.
But I still yearn for something to strive for. A timetable would give me that. I don't want it to take so long that I forget that I need a why. I don't want life to go back to what it was, to only be repeated again. Even if he stays in therapy, if there's no why....it can happen again. He could lie to his therapist. But what's a reasonable time? 3 months too short? 6 months too long? I know...one day at a time. God, that's hard.
I am so glad he has another session Thursday. To have missed all of next week would have killed me.
Prolonging the agony. Each session, whether true or not, seems closer to a why. It has to be closer...it certainly isn't further.
I am trying not to test him. I know I would if I thought of a way to do it. I want there to be a something out there that he knows and see if he keeps it from me to protect me. I feel like he has already done that with a text he received from his sister. She doesn't think our personal business should be out there for everyone to see...this blog, I assume is what she is talking about. He didn't bother mentioning that bit from her text, but mentioned everything else. Keeping it from me? Thought he told me? Didn't think it was important? Or thought it would "hurt" me? Which is it?
As for his sister...as with any and all Trump supporters...her judgement is obviously horrible and her opinion means less than nothing. This blog is my control. It's my grip on sanity. It is mine to do with as I want. And no one can take that away from me. I will write it as long as I need it....even if one day I look and see that not a single person is still reading it. I will write...because although sometimes it doesn't seem to help me...the reality is, it does. And it's so much cheaper than therapy!! :P
I am tired of writing.
I am tired of waking up before the sun.
I am tired of the hurt and doubt.
I am tired.
Blame this one on the cat. She loves to vomit around 5 am.
I stayed in bed til 6:30 and then gave up.
I guess this is why I know it's smart to not work more hours. I need the days off so I can at least nap.
My naps still ridiculously short.
The overthinking. That's what is killing me.
Think. Think. Think....so tired of thinking.
I claim I am impatient. It's been 2 1/2 weeks...of course I am not going to get a why any time soon.
Of course, I should still not trust. Of course, it should still hurt.
I hate uncertainty..I may have mentioned that a dozen times or so. If I had a timeframe it would help.
That marathon training would come in handy. I'd know if I was half way there...a quarter way....I'd be able to give my brain something to shoot for...the next marker, so to speak. "If you make it another week, you will only have X weeks to go". But I have nothing. No guarantee that there will be an end and even worse no guarantee that if there is an end there will be relief. It could just lead to more pain, new pain...re-opening whatever part of the wound has healed.
He says he's sure we will make it through. Sure the why won't lead to our end. Sure he wants to be here and that his love for me is the right kind of love. I don't doubt his love. I wrote about it before...he "loves" everyone. His confidence doesn't sound as strong as I think he thinks it does. Any sign of weakness on his part screams at me to run. He has to be more than sure. And the intelligent part of me knows this is impossible...Death and taxes the only sure things in life.
He didn't like hearing that yesterday (and the day before) my mornings were filled with 0% confidence this was going to work. He insisted it had to be more than 0 or why was I still here? I suppose he's right...it had to be more than 0. But it feels like 0.
I re-read the poem I wrote and want to feel that sure again. But my mind just keeps rehashing every single moment of our 21 years...questioning where he was in his mind during those happy memories. Were they real? Were there other emotional affairs that I will never know about? He claims it was all real and there weren't. He is a liar. He has been a liar probably as long as I have known him. He still can't accept that. He says he does but he qualifies it. I point out how far back the lies go and he tries to be dismissive. Still in denial of who he is. Wondering why I question if I really do know him.
There is no reason to be honest about the past, I have no way of discovering if he was lying. Proof of past indiscretions long gone, if there were any. He lies to protect me (in reality, himself)...why would he tell the truth now? It would hurt me (him). And he knows there is no way I could ever catch him in these lies. "If you really feel that way, why are you here?" frustration and impatience in his voice...
How can HE feel frustrated? How can HE be impatient? HE DID THIS!
I try to make comparisons to what my ex did. Waiting for him to reach that point when it's no longer his fault for doing this..but mine for not "letting it go". That's not fair. That doesn't help us.
I can pretend this is the same. It is not. When I found out about my ex cheating, I remember my first thoughts...almost 30 damn years and I remember EXACTLY how I felt. "I will do ANYTHING to not lose him" Immediately I felt that way. Not out of love. Out of desperation. Back then, all I knew was that I wanted to get married. And he was the only way to make that happen. I was ugly. I had no positive thoughts about myself. I was smart. Smart women don't attract men. He was my only chance...not at happiness...but at marriage. I really didn't care about anything but not ending up a "spinster". Pitiful.
It is different this time. My thoughts were scrambled when I read those texts. I ran upstairs...heart racing, skin tingling with fear, anxiety....and I wanted him to tell me I read them wrong. I don't know how I thought he would explain it, but all I wanted to hear was that I was wrong.
I wanted him gone. I threw him out so many times. But I gave him no way to leave. I wouldn't give his phone back, told him he couldn't have a car. Told him to leave the credit card and bank card. And just walk. Hours later I regretted all of that. Because now I thought he stayed because...how was he to leave? On foot..at 1 in the morning? Where was he to go? I told him I was wrong. And told him to go again. He's still here. Did I wonder this past Monday when he hadn't texted me at 11:30...an hour after his session started..if he wasn't coming back? Yes....I did. It was momentary...the real definition, not his definition.
He tried to use the words "momentary lapse" last night to describe this affair---I went on a little tirade about that. Ok...maybe a long one and not so much a tirade as a story...My anger level didn't reach rage proportions as it has. I explained "momentary" means lasting less than a minute. I described how he picked that phone up time and time again to text her inappropriate things...sometimes sitting right next to me. Sometimes walking in an Alaskan town, surrounded by friends and family. And time and time again made the CHOICE to do the wrong thing. The CHOICE to hurt me. I described him standing at the garage door, waving good bye to me, while thinking about how soon he could get to her. Actively going upstairs, showering..knowing it was for her...to see her...picking out clothes to get dressed to go see her...taking one of his shirts to give her...putting his key in the ignition and backing out of OUR driveway to see HER, putting his tongue in her mouth...All of these actions requiring conscious thought. Each a moment for him to realize he could stop this. Each choice knowing it was hurting me, hurting us. This was not A momentary lapse....this was THREE months of actively, consciously choosing to hurt me. Don't tell me it was a momen fucking tary lapse....PLEASE.
And this is when I wonder...can I really get past this? Not when he tries to minimize it. No. No. I will not allow it. My ex did that. Not this time, motherfucker. I will not allow it.
I think I can get past it if the why is legit. If the why comes soon enough. And if I ever think he actually GETS what he did. He destroyed it all. All of our memories. How can I think anything was real, when this last vacation seemed no different than every other good one we had?
He suggested we forget it all and just start making new memories, if that's what I need to do.
That's part of the problem. I want our past to stay the happy past I thought it was. I am afraid if we move on and he does this again...I will hate him. I will lose all of it. All of the good times. Half of my life will have been a total waste and total lie. A full fledged regret. No child to stop me from saying "This was a complete mistake". With my ex, I can't say that...I have to qualify it with "Well I wouldn't have had this amazing kid"...with Dave...there will be nothing....just wasted time on a man I never knew. A complete fraud. I can't bear for it to come to that.
That thinking is useless. Is that why I am avoiding going to therapy? I don't want someone telling me not to think like that. Telling me it is harmful. I already know that. So why am I doing it? Why do so many questions end in "why's" with no answers? Can't one damn why have an answer?
He is still sleeping. That still makes me crazy. Not so much that he CAN sleep, but that he claims he isn't sleeping...Bitch, you are sleeping WAY more than I am. Stop lying to yourself. You may not be sleeping well, but you weren't when you were cheating and guess what THAT was another chance to say "Hey, why am I doing this, not just to her, but to me?" "How is this helping me? It is hurting me"
I cling to that. That the pain he put himself through did not outweigh those pleasures. I think there's something in there. There has to be. Like a person who cuts themselves. Why do they do that? It hurts. It scars. Where is the pleasure? Were stolen kisses and gushy words worth the weight loss, the sleepless nights? Why did he want to hurt himself? He had the power to stop..even if it meant leaving me...why not make it stop?
Why don't I make this pain stop? I think if someone told me, promised me, swore on everything....that I would have NO MORE PAIN...not one more second if I left right now. I would do it. But, the reality is I will still be in pain. And I will lose this man I love with ALL...every single fucking ounce...of my heart. And that is where the real difference is between now and my ex. Love.
I am a different person. I know men find me attractive. I know I am funny. I love my quirks. I know I can give love and affection. I know I am strong. I am way more confident.
This isn't about desperation. I want to be with him. I want him to be the man I have always thought he was. Just more flawed than I realized. I want this to be explainable and "cureable".
I also want the pain to end.
I don't want to put a timetable on it.
But I still yearn for something to strive for. A timetable would give me that. I don't want it to take so long that I forget that I need a why. I don't want life to go back to what it was, to only be repeated again. Even if he stays in therapy, if there's no why....it can happen again. He could lie to his therapist. But what's a reasonable time? 3 months too short? 6 months too long? I know...one day at a time. God, that's hard.
I am so glad he has another session Thursday. To have missed all of next week would have killed me.
Prolonging the agony. Each session, whether true or not, seems closer to a why. It has to be closer...it certainly isn't further.
I am trying not to test him. I know I would if I thought of a way to do it. I want there to be a something out there that he knows and see if he keeps it from me to protect me. I feel like he has already done that with a text he received from his sister. She doesn't think our personal business should be out there for everyone to see...this blog, I assume is what she is talking about. He didn't bother mentioning that bit from her text, but mentioned everything else. Keeping it from me? Thought he told me? Didn't think it was important? Or thought it would "hurt" me? Which is it?
As for his sister...as with any and all Trump supporters...her judgement is obviously horrible and her opinion means less than nothing. This blog is my control. It's my grip on sanity. It is mine to do with as I want. And no one can take that away from me. I will write it as long as I need it....even if one day I look and see that not a single person is still reading it. I will write...because although sometimes it doesn't seem to help me...the reality is, it does. And it's so much cheaper than therapy!! :P
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