Oversharing

Why do I bare my heart and soul?

There isn't just one reason. And I haven't given much thought to which ones are first, second, etc. So I will just list them as I think of them.

** I value honesty in others more than any other trait. So I think others deserve my honesty, too. You may say "well you aren't lying if you just keep it to yourself, we aren't asking for all of this information." But omission of the truth is a lie to me. I don't know at what point honesty became such an issue for me. I think a lot of people just accept that we all lie, "does this dress look nice? am I fat? how's your day going?" No one wants real answers. Real answers are harder. We like these lies and we accept them as a normal part of life. But that makes real lies easier. You are thinking "of course she lies, she would never tell someone they are fat, she probably says her day is good when it's not" And you are somewhat right. I wouldn't tell someone they are fat...but I do avoid answering. Depending on how it was asked, I either make a comment about things they can do to feel better about their weight or I deflect if they are making it about mine by saying how hard I work to look this way. As for the How are you? I often so "Ok" I know people probably want to hear "Good" or "great" but when I don't feel good I don't lie.

** Lies don't help people.
Maybe you can think of instances when lies help. But I would probably be able to argue that they only temporarily fixed the problem, only worsening it for when the truth comes out. And the truth almost always comes out.

** I imagine a world full of truth. I know it's a dream equivalent to a world at peace. These are my what if's:

What if by all of us being honest, we could see how we truly aren't alone? That others, many others, have the same doubts and fears we do. Wouldn't that make us all feel safer, less afraid, more connected?
What if our honesty prevented suicides? People sharing their fears that people don't like them, that no one cares and finding out the opposite....my sharing has already paid off in countless numbers of people reaching out to me, taking away some of my insecurities at my most vulnerable time. I haven't thought of hurting myself, but I know myself, if I hadn't shared and continued to believe I was alone that pit of depression would have come for me. I would be swallowed up and the thoughts would come, as they sometimes do in my darkest hours. What if we ALL shared our hurts and pains, how much of a ripple effect through our friends lists would it have? I only keep about 100-120 friends on facebook, I like more connected relationships, than just random strangers to have a bigger friends list. But I still like to think that of those 100 people, maybe one of them is going through a divorce or a breakup or an affair that may benefit from my perspective. Maybe there's a lonely spouse that sees that speaking up to their partner is the answer NOT reaching out to someone else. Maybe if it's been a pattern for them, they see it is THEM and they see therapy as an option because it isn't just something crazy people do.

Aren't these nice what if's?

I know it's never going to happen. We are taught that you don't share your dirty laundry. But why?
Has anyone ever wondered why?? Is it to protect ourselves or to protect the reader/listener? Why are we to feel shame for things that happen to us or for being honest about these things? Why should I be embarrassed that my husband cheated? Does it make ME less of a person? It seems more people are judging him than me? But is that even fair? Should he have cheated? NO Am I in any way to blame for his ACTION? NO...but did I precipitate the NEED for that action? Maybe. Therapy will help with that. But why can't I talk about it with people I love and trust (and a few virtual friends or people who maybe aren't the text book definition of friend but more just an acquaintance)? Why does the secrecy have to continue?

** Is that another reason? I need to feel in control and me sharing is a big fuck you to the world that tells me this isn't what people do with their "dirty laundry". We are supposed to create and maintain the illusions of a perfect life. And people have tried to make fb all about that. Or make it meaningless--just pics of food and cat videos. The election of the fucktard in chief has changed that for many, creating a platform many use for change to the injustices we now see more regularly. To voice our outrage about whatever our particular niche is. Injustices towards immigrants, Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, refugees...the list goes on and on. Maybe it's healthcare that gets your feathers ruffled or tax reform or the threat the moron is to our national security. Many now use it to express their anger and outrage about the big picture but still we must project that as individuals we are great, our lives are perfect. Why? Why can't we share the truth? This isn't rhetorical, if anyone has insight I would love to know. Your comments won't appear publicly unless I publish them, so feel free to contact me and just let me know if you want your opinion to be private. Tell me why I should have kept silent and lived with this pain alone or with just a few select people I trust.
I have told the people I work with, some seemed a little taken back by my openness. Why should I go to work, an obvious zombie, try as I may to act the part society requests of me and NOT let them know? Obviously I am not sharing with customers and I do my best to ACT the part for them. But when I am dying inside in the breakroom and it is obvious the dying is visible, why can't I be honest? Why is honesty bad?

I think back to when one of my former coworkers killed himself, a young kid, maybe 23. I have blogged about him. I knew he had issues. I watched him punch walls and be mad at himself for misreading the schedule AGAIN and berating himself for risking his job. I didn't tell him, "Hey, you are a good person, don't be so hard on yourself" I didn't tell him that I have had anger issues and depression issues. I didn't offer him help. Because we aren't supposed to share with people we don't know. What if...what if....I had let him know I was a "crazy' person at his age and that I turned out Ok (yes this is open for debate---but after this week...I think I am bit more confident, sane and capable than I ever knew)....what if? I don't want what if's to haunt me anymore. If it means some people look at me and think "What the fuck is wrong with her, why is she telling me this?" but someone else thinks "Hey, this person that I thought had it all, she's kinda like me. She has doubts, she's not as sure as  she seems, her life isn't perfect and she can still be happy" and that makes a difference in how they deal with a tough time in their life, well isn't that worth it?

Because guess what? My life is in a huge upheaval and I am not feeling depressed. I am smart enough to know that I am all over the place right now and depression could still be an emotion that I get to. But I feel better today than one week ago (before I knew) when I had a meltdown in the middle of the night. I blamed that on the Vegas massacre, it couldn't have been knowing what was coming, I don't have ESP. But it was a meltdown and I told him I didn't think we were going to make it to our next anniversary. He, of course, was full of lies and said enough to make me ok, not enough to make me not check his phone 3 days later but enough to get me through the night. I feel better today...with all that has happened I feel more hopeful, optimistic (read my blog about how shocked I am to ever have an optimistic thought).

What has gotten me through is knowing that I was right. My GUT was right. I was wrong to doubt my gut over him. He didn't deserve to be believed more than my self. I am mad at myself for believing in him more than me. Then I thought he was more trustworthy than even myself. I now know better. No one will ever love me, like I love me and no one will ever take better care of me than me. TRUST MY SELF. and yes I keep switching between myself and my self on purpose.

So, if you are a facebook friend and you consider this drama you don't want to see, or need to see or shouldn't have to see. As with my Trump supporting friends, I beg of you...unfollow me, unfriend me...I don't care. I understand some people would rather live in a fantasy world where they aren't subjected to ugly truths, they'd rather believe their friend's lives are all vacations and memes and food porn (and I am not singling anyone out here!!) You do facebook your way and let me do mine my way...because if you thought I was too open and honest before? You ain't seen shit...I will be sharing this journey. Yes, mostly I will do it through my blog, if only because I fucking talk/think a lot. I ramble..check the title, it's right there....I am not a woman of few words. I have a lot to say. And I will be using this venue to do it and I would love your feedback. Your HONEST feedback. Tell me you think it's crazy, tell me you understand but it's not the way you would/could do it. Tell me whatever you want or don't tell me anything. I am here for me. And I am here for whoever needs me.

I have tried to keep anything sexual out of my blog, even though I think we also make this a taboo subject unnecessarily. I will continue to keep it out, not out of secrecy but because I respect that it makes people uncomfortable. So don't think I can not or will not be completely transparent and if you have a private issue that you think knowing how I am dealing with any sexual related things will hep you, again contact me. I will be as honest as you want me to be.

Thank you for reading and thank you for being here for me.

How am I doing?

I only have a few minutes before work. Second shift since my world fell apart. First one was super hard and today will be too. I work 7 hours then come home and have just enough time to eat before heading off to our first couple's therapy.

I have been in therapy before so it is not an unknown but I am terrified...irrational thoughts...she will say our marriage can't be saved.   Therapists DON'T do that...I KNOW that....I am still scared.

I awoke at dawn after barely enough sleep, just like yesterday. Darkness brings a relief and daylight the opposite...I wrote this poem still in bed... Why pain brings out creativity, I don't know...Rick Springfield always writes his best stuff from pain...we have that in common. Wish me luck dealing with today.

You hold me in the dark 

And I feel safe and secure

I know everything is going to be alright

My doubts are gone

The love is real

And then daylight comes 

And it's ugly

And bright

Has anything ever been right ?

What did she have 

What did I do

How could you be so untrue

The pain floods back

My brain screams at me

Begging me to protect my heart 

My heart reminds me

It was right

You were gone

It knows that all was wrong

It reminds me that as sure as it was then

It also knows we can be whole again

We are real

This is on you

You will find out why you were untrue 

The other side will be more beautiful than before 

And the daylight won't hurt me anymore

I feel more naked fully dressed in the light than I do

When I lay next to you completely bared at night

Let my heart be right 

Let my brain trust it to know truth

And let us love again 

For the rest of our life                                                                                                

A real rambling mess before I found out

What hurts more? Lies or no words at all.

What hurts more? I don't love you anymore or I love you BUT...

How can you trust your instincts when you are an overthinking, perimenopausal, emotional basket case?

How can someone claim they do things to protect you from hurt while doing things to hurt you?

How do you trust a liar to not lie to themselves?

At what point do you just make the decision they can't make for them?

Why is it so hard for people to end relationships they obviously don't want to be in? Hurting you with their indecision while claiming the reason they may want to end the relationship is to not hurt you anymore.

How can the world keep being beautiful while your heart is breaking?

How can my brain ask so many questions without exploding?

Why when I drink alcohol does it not numb the pain? or silence the questions? or provide comfort?

How am I supposed to go out in the world and act like everything is great when I am trashed on the inside?

How did I THINK everything was great once again while he was "going through  shit"?

Why does uncertaintity scare me more than anything in this world?

How can he just sit there not speaking? Why can't he make up his fucking mind? It's simple...can you fight for us or can't you? How important is this relationship? Doesn't the fact that you can't scream OF COURSE I WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORK mean you can't?

Why is honesty so difficult?

What was real in the past 21 years?

Do you know what love is?

Do I know what love is?

Does anyone know?

Am I wrong to think this silence is the answer? Am I overthinking it? It really seems simple to me...is it just me that thinks it should be a lot easier to say we are worth it? Does that mean we aren't? If only one of us will do anything, is there anything to salvage?

Why is writing not helping?
What will help?
Could I feel more alone than this?

It really shouldn't be that hard.
Am I to blame?

so alone (updated after the fact with edits)(2021 edits)

I am so alone.

I have no one to talk to.

My best friend is useless.
He cares only about how things effect him. (edit after fact: my sincerest, deepest apologies I was dead wrong about him--well my INSTINCTS tell me he has a heart of gold but my fears and insecurities tell me he'd abandon me if I was too much drama....and again I should have trusted my instincts)EDITED again...I wasn't dead wrong about him..he truly only cares about himself...no heart of gold...no heart at all. he's just an empty shell of something resembling a human. I truly feel sorry for him. He wants envy, but literally there is NOTHING to be envious of. The best day of my life in the past 4 years is the day he unfriended me without a word about (I assume) a post my husband wrote. I have never felt freer.

My sister is her own kind of crazy. (edit after fact--again sorry if this hurts you but I don't want to burden you, when you have your own shit to deal with) EDITED again. crazy doesn't justify how she will always choose to hurt me rather than admit her short comings. I will always love her and wish her the best but I will not allow anyone to hurt me without apology again.

My mother's opinion means nothing to me. (edit after fact--because I KNOW what she would say) No need for an edit here, I am coming to accept and understand her for who she is. She's a decent person, perhaps an enabler but there are worse things to be.

And I lost my husband.

I don't know how it happened or why it happened but he isn't the man I thought he was.
I don't know if he changed...well I am sure he did. He used to put me above everything else but for whatever reason that is changed.

He says things that are mean, He does things that are mean. When I point it out he says he was kidding. But it's his tone. He speaks to me differently. There's an anger and a shortness in his voice.


He doesn't even know it. It hurts my heart to have him speak to me like that. but moreso that he doesn't even know he's doing it.

He's incapable of making me feel secure.

I have no confidence at all that we have a future and when I hint at that he does nothing to allay my fears.

I flat out asked for "loving" the other night--his response "What makes you think I don't need it??"
So I said lay on my lap and I will caress you. And he did and I did.....and that was it....nothing in return.

I am scared. Scared because I thought I knew my future and it's gone. I know nothing.

I teeter between hoping it's my crazy brain and that I am wrong and everything will be fine...to knowing that it won't be and we are just putting off the inevitable.

I don't want to lose him but I think I already have.
I can't leave...because I don't want to. I want to spend the rest of my life with the man I married.
But I don't know about this guy. Is it a phase? He seems so selfish. I feel cheated. He promised to take care of me and now.....I am alone. I feel selfish for the thoughts I have.

I waited my whole life to not have to be a pharmacist...to have him take care of me. And now he sits home, being picky about a job. I fucking HATED my job but I did it...for all of us....and now he talks of taking money with him if we split up...so I still support him? It was supposed to be MY turn..

And I really don't mind working but I hate feeling trapped and I do...because I am the only one working, so I am back to feeling like I have no choice. The place I work doesn't respect me ... I hate new things..I hate unknown things...and I am stuck....I have to move on and I feel like fuck it...if I am going to move on, why not change it all. Sell the house, find a cheap place to live and stop working.

Stop supporting him. I don't know why but I am feeling really used. It's just assumed I am supposed to be ok with supporting him financially, while supporting him emotionally and I get what back? Walking on eggshells...afraid if I say the wrong thing he'll decide he's better off without me. And is he? Or am I?

I love him...but I think he is just here for convenience sake. I think he hates his life and wants to start over without me. Will he leave once he finds a job? Is that why he changed his mind and decided to stay? He can't tell me why. How a few hours changed everything. He knows I overthink everything. question everything.

The one thing I am sure of, is he hasn't found someone. If he had I know he'd be gone. (EDIT after the fact...well I was DEAD WRONG...again I should have trusted my instincts)

I honestly am not suicidal but I also am not at all happy with my life right now. Nothing is going the way i hoped and dreamed. And I don't see an end. Not a happy ending.

He claims he doesn't sleep...he doesn't know what not sleeping is. I DON"T SLEEP.

I feel like screaming. I feel like running...not exercise...just running...far far away....
I can't do this.
I need someone strong enough to get me through my insecurities. And new Dave isn't cutting it.

It just feels wrong.Wrong wrong wrong.

the whole world is fucked up, I count on my relationship to be the one right thing and it is far from that.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't think it's up to me. Everything is out of my control.

Every thing I think isn't trustworthy because I don't know where or why I think the things I do.

I go through moments of spite. I go through moments of trying to be the good wife waiting it out. But mostly I just overthink every goddamn thing.

UGH I hate limbo. I don't even know how to get out of limbo.

I don't know what he could say to make it right but I do know what he doesn't say says too much and the way he says what he does say says a lot. Just telling me he loves me doesn't cut it. It doesn't make up for the exasperation vibe he gives off. Sure I think he still finds me attractive and I know he "loves" me, but apparently he loves everyone, so that's about useless to hear.

How can I get my Dave back? Is it my fault for not appreciating him enough when I had him?
Why couldn't I be what he needed...God knows I love him as much as he wants me to, I just have never been good at showing it.

I don't want this life I have right now. It feels wrong to complain...so many people's lives changed by the Las Vegas massacre and here I whine about my stupid marriage and job.

But it's pretend. All I want to do is sleep when we are here together during the day because sitting side by side on the sofa doing nothing is....is quiet and lonely. Watching TV for hours, even when he' beside me...feels lonely. Being at work is a relief. Here I feel guilty for feeling sad and lonely. I don't want to be in the same room with him because it's a reminder of everything that's not quite right.

I guess this is how he felt when he was emailing Holly....I feel empty and alone. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. And scared.

surviving (rought draft before I found the truth)

I am not sure we can make it through this.

I now know what it feels like to be on the other side of depression...except I am not just on the other side...I still deal with my own.

I don't think I am strong enough.

He dealt with me for so many years, I feel I owe it to him to try.

At the same time knowing I will fail.

Guess that marathon training is coming in handy again....one mile at a time, one day at a time...that's all I can bear to think about. Today.

I will try to make it through today ...make it without voicing my insecurities, deal with my own mental issues alone. I have no one to talk to.

The cruise made that a reality.

** My mother wanted us all (me and my sister and them) to go on an Alaskan cruise for their 50th anniversary. I had so many trepidations about it when I thought my life was perfect...then when the rug was ripped out from under me with Dave quitting his job abruptly and me finding out he's going through God knows what, I was really worried about how the cruise would go. Thankfully our friends went with us, they saved the day. My mother reminded me that I was living a lie pretending like she isn't the selfish person I always claim that she is. She showed her true colors. I wasted thousands and thousands of dollars, going somewhere I'd already been, somewhere I didn't want to go, with people who I knew would make the trip a nightmare. Surprisingly my relationship with my sister survived but didn't improve, so she isn't someone I can talk to either(edit after the fact, if you read this sis I am sorry if this hurts you but it's sadly true, thank you for listening yesterday, it did help). Dave had panic attacks onboard...one of which he kept from me resulting in yet another lie of omission causing a huge fight that left me questioning my entire future. So, yeah, not exactly a vacation to remember fondly.**

Dave is dealing with his issues his way...which is who knows what. The whole fallout left me wondering if he wants to be here and he couldn't answer...he let me go to work sick to my stomach and an emotional wreck while he worked on figuring it out. Just left me hanging. I got angry and told him he needed to have it figured out by the time I got home or I'd make the choice for him. He texted me at the end of my shift and supposedly wants to spend forever with me. Needless to say I question how he came to that decision in just a few hours when he couldn't say that for the previous  few days.
He said something along the lines of he doesn't know why he couldn't just say it, maybe he wanted me to be left hanging....well isn't that lovely?

So we have been acting as if all is well. Living as usual but of course the doubt is there but one of his reasons why he was unsure was that he didn't want to live with my doubt, so obviously I am afraid to even act the least bit worried.

I try not to walk on eggshells, but how can I not?

He claims his hesitation was due to thinking I will never trust him again and therefore we will never be happy again. Instead of just not lying anymore, it seems he'd be ok with throwing the past 21 years away rather than stop lying. He claims his lies are to protect me, to not hurt me. Then he claims he doesn't know if we should stay together because he wants to protect me from getting hurt again. Missing the fact that us not being together hurts me and the oh so obvious...don't lie to protect me, when your lies are what are hurting me. The lies have all been stupid (with the exception of the 2013 lie about secretly emailing his former coworker). So why not just stop lying?

Do I believe he can stop lying? Probably not. He has a wall. Why I'm supposed to let my walls down when he won't let his down is beyond me. He claims he doesn't think about things. I don't know how other people's minds work. But having an empty sounds great but highly unlikely.

His most recent description is he feels like he's in a fog.

I overthink. It's the most annoying thing in the world. I think FOR other people. And I am usually wrong. This has been proven many times over and I think finally I am starting to realize that what I think people think is a crock of shit. They are NOT thinking that.

I think he's still hung up on this whole career thing. He's 46, still doesn't have a clue what he wants to do. And believe me, I have listed every fucking occupation in the world and he has an issue with every one of them. He claims money doesn't matter to him. I am not so sure I believe that. Well, maybe he doesn't think it does, that could be true. But the things he wants require money...I don't think he will ever truly be happy unless he is living near the beach and that just ain't gonna happen with our finances. Maybe in a shack, get rid of the parrots, probably the cats, too. MAYBE we could afford a place big enough for the two of us. Then maybe he would feel content.

I hate uncertainty. I am not spontaneous. I do not like surprises. I want to know every thing. This is the hardest part for me.

I can't plan anything not knowing what will happen to our relationship. I can't plan what to do about my job. I like part time, I like no responsibilities. But if I am going to be on my own, I need full time and should kiss ass to try to get my promotion back. I know I will stay here..in California, but I have no idea where I will live--apartment? cheap condo? How much money will he take? How much should I let him take?

Had to stop that post....want to add...no I will not ass kiss...not my nature....the plan is sell itall and live cheaply. I don't care if I work or don't, but get the cheapest place possible so I don't HABE to work where ass kissing is necessary.

Still not feeling secure.feeling more alone and ever more sure that we will be lucky to make it to our anniversary.

Always trust your instincts

This is going to be a hard post to write.

I wanted to re-read my posts about what a great relationship I have, but I have done enough crying over the past 36 hours for a lifetime. So I can't.

I did re-read some drafts I wrote and I may post them so you can get a really good look inside of my head. But you will have to hunt them down because I won't link them to twitter or facebook.

My problem with trusting my instincts is that being an overthinker there is a lot of noise in my head. And it is hard to separate the fearful thoughts from the insecure ones and from the actual instincts.

28 years ago I was in a relationship where for 8 months I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me. He kept a picture of his ex in his wallet and it bothered me and I would confront him and he'd say he just forgot to take it out and months later it was still there and same denials. Then right around my 21st birthday I got a call from the other girlfriend. He was still seeing her. I was devastated. I couldn't figure out HOW he had time for her, it was at least an hour drive to where she lived and he was almost always with me. But my gut had told me and my gut was right. And my dumbass, being insecure stayed and even married him. It's not hard to see why it didn't last.

I left him for my current husband. If you have read my posts you know he is amazing.

There was one thing I was sure of ...he would NEVER cheat on me. He just wasn't that kind of guy.

Everyone I know thought we had the best relationship. They thought he adored me.
I thought this too.

He's hurt me many times over the past 21 years. And I have gotten past it.
Shortly after we were married he lost his job and his grandmother within the span of a week and he disappeared. The details are fuzzy because I am great at blocking out things too hurtful to remember. But basically this was before cell phones. It was Valentine's weekend, I don't remember what he said but he left. No timetable of when/if he'd be back. I freaked. I had to work the whole weekend and my coworkers got me through it. I teetered between changing the locks and just wanting him back so bad.
I was desperate and called his mom to see if had gone there, she was pissed at him too (she is the best mother in law in the world, if he fucks up she won't defend him). He ended up coming back after about 24 hours. He had stayed at his best friend's house. And we went on as if nothing happened.

Years lapsed, fairly happy years. I was still on prozac so I wasn't the best wife to be around, I spent so much time sleeping. But we weren't miserable. I was as happy as I could be.

Then we started planning our move, they were good years...lots of vacationing and trips to find out where would be best to "retire" to.

I may have blogged about what happened in 2013, but the short story is, shortly after arriving here in California I discovered an email that he had written just inches from me on the sofa. It was to a former coworker back East. It had a slightly inappropriate tone --along the lines of I wish we had met sooner, wish we got to know each other better, etc. But the important part was the secrecy and lies. Finding the email and then scouring his computer I found so many other lies...really fucking stupid things to lie about...like an email from his loser brother.
I didn't think he was capable of lying to me. I really thought he was the perfect man. The doubts of seed were sown. What was he capable of? I explained to him in explicit detail that plutonic relationship can go bad quickly. I explained why I talk about guys I work with he might tempt me, if it's out in the open it's harder to then keep secret. I thought he understood.

I gave him a really hard time, I was convinced this could have turned into an emotional affair. I warned him that was worse for me than just sex with a one night stand. (and now I am not so sure that is completely true...both would devastate me). He thought I was over reacting and the game of "you have never trusted me" started. I tried to explain the past haunts me and how insecure I am that lies don't help trust issues. He promised to never lie again. And once again...I believed.

Peri menopause has played a number on my brain. I get paranoid, angry and depressed for no reason. And I try to be aware of that.

So a few months ago, my instincts told me something was up. I didn't know what and I went through my routine of questioning him. He went through his of denial. Blaming my brain. Acting hurt that I didn't trust him. I had lapsed and gone on his computer looking for proof. His response was to make me feel guilty for having the thoughts and then acting on them. I tried to shut up my gut. You will see the posts of my head arguing with itself-they are very rough drafts and totally in the moment.

Then he quit his job...out of the blue...no job lined up. He is the main income and our health insurance. He did this 3 weeks before our first vacation in 4 years. Now I KNEW my gut was right...something was wrong. He finally admitted that he hasn't been "feeling right". I had noticed he was drinking more (only like a beer or two a night, couple times a week, some mixed drinks here and there, but he never drank that much)...he of course dismissed me as being a nag, but I KNEW something wasn't quite right. We talked, he convinced me it was just something in his head. But said many worrisome things, making me really question our future. He wasn't able to make me feel secure about what he wanted. This fueled my instincts. I grilled him about other women. The same hurt denials, the same I would never do that to you, I would leave first. And I swallowed it all and dealt with my guilt over my false accusations.

The cruise came, he had some panic attacks, I was so concerned for him. For us. I know my brain tells me to do some stupid shit but I have been dealing with it for years and know how to silence the crazy thoughts and not act on them (like running away). I voiced my concerns because he said his reason for quitting was just this overwhelming feeling that he HAD to do it. I was worried he'd get a feeling like that and need to leave. He couldn't tell me he wouldn't. I was scared most of the time.

I would joke with our friends about his girlfriend Rachel. He still denied anything inappropriate. I think I even lapsed and did another computer check, found he was on facebook page of a girl named Rachel. I went  for a run, hyperventilated, sure this meant the end of our relationship. That gut feeling was too strong and I thought I had found proof. I blew up at him, I was sure he was cheating with the coworker or at least thinking about her, but it was a different Rachel. He acted hurt again, more guilt on my part for not trusting him.

After our trip he confessed he had had another panic attack on the ship and texted our pet sitter on international waters. He knew I'd see it on the bill. He had lied again. I know it was a stupid lie but with all my fears and my instincts still screaming I overreacted and we had a huge fight. He couldn't answer the question "Do you want to be with me?". I left for work not knowing if we had a future. I came home that night and he had magically reversed course and told me of course he wanted to be with me. I promised to work on my trust issues and not be a needy bitch.


And here we are today. Vegas happened...it affected me a lot. This past Thursday I had a meltdown in the middle of the night. He found me downstairs crying and talked me through my insecurities I told him I had this strong feeling we may not make it to our next anniversary. He acted like I was being ridiculous and that it was just my hormones. Everything was great, he said. He had no more doubts about us.

Saturday night, he's on the sofa inches from me, I see an email on his computer to a Rachel. Subject line Re: Smokey. I don't say anything, he hates when he thinks I am looking over his shoulder. I wait for him to tell me, He mentions he's texted her to have her text a guy who has a job lead. But no mention of the email. He tells me the guy won't text him back but he texts Rachel because they are both religious. I say "Why didn't you tell me she was religious, I know you'd never want to cheat with a religious nut" (that hurts so much now). Meanwhile he was texting her that night, next to me...professing his love.

We go to bed, I feel I MUST see that email. I wait for him to fall asleep and I sneak down to look at it. I have so much guilt for doing this but I HAVE to see it. It's completely innocent and I feel like a fool. I head back up to bed. I decide to write him an email with questions....asking why he's emailing her, doesn't he know my insecurities and how this would fuel them. The tone of my email is hurt and just wanting him to reassure me. I send it but then I get this need to see his phone....that fucking gut instinct....and I know he won't have kept anything incriminating but I HAVE to see it.

And there it is ...in green and white....the proof....the words are a blur, but there's hun's and love and baby's...what am I looking at?? Is this real life? How can he explain this?

I storm upstairs, I don't know why I didn't actually read any texts at this point...the words I saw were enough...and so 12:30 Sunday night my world blew up. He was fucking cheating on me.

It all came out. He claimed he wants to be with me. The usual...it just happened....the I don't know why's. So many questions ....so few answers.....so much screaming and crying....

He supposedly only kissed her. I believe this..not because he doesn't lie, but because of how our relationship started, he's really weird about having sex with just anyone.

He's met up with her several times, bringing HER food to work..buying fast food for HER while I pack lunches. Meeting her while I work. Meeting her while I went to Magic Mountain...I went without him because he hates it....trying to do something nice for him and he goes to her....

I tried to explain to him that my words may have said I don't trust him but my actions ALWAYS showed otherwise. He went on many weekend trips with his guy friends, I was always ok with it. Recently I encouraged him to go out with a coworker from his first job here...he's married to a stripper , God knows what bar they would go to, but I was ok with it...Would I go to Magic Mountain leaving him home alone, if I really believed he was cheating...

I know this isn't about me...and yet I still want to blame myself...I still hate myself so much. I hate myself for believing him over my gut...I should have trusted ME and not him.

I don't know what kind of person can let someone pour their heart out abut their insecurities, remind him that I ignored my instincts before and sit there and tell me my instincts are shit, make me feel guilty for doubting him, use them to suggest that we shouldn't be together because HE can't live with my false accusations....ALL THE FUCKING TIME MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT AND MY ACCUSATIONS NOT FALSE!!! How does someone who loves you do that?

There were weeks worth of texts on the phone. He didn't want me to read them, which only made me need to read them more. It hurt...they were rough...there was sexting...and there weren't any words that made it sound like he wanted to end it with her...every insecurity I had was written in his text. He was staying for fear of how I would react. He literally wished I would find someone else so he could be with her. He loved her more than me. No I didn't think that ..HE WROTE THAT.

He claims they are just words...he didn't mean any of it. He was never going to leave me.

Every thing out of his mouth are words,..words that mean nothing. Only actions matter now.

He has agreed to couples therapy and single sessions for himself.

Are you wondering HOW,WHY are you giving him another chance?? Yeah, me too.

I told him I feel like a battered wife who just keeps going back for more.

He keeps telling me  he doesn't want to hurt me, while hurting me.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing. But I am trying to trust my gut.

My gut tells me this is the man I will be with in my 80's. My gut tells me the love I feel for him and from him is real.

My gut also tells me he needs to comfort her. It's who he is. He says he doesn't. He says he won't.
My gut is silent about that....

I want to believe him. I want to believe in us so bad.

I know this is about him. He has his own issues about his self worth. I want to believe if he gets therapy that he will be "fixed" like I was and we can go back to the wonderful relationship I bragged about in previous posts.

I don't know what the future holds for me or for us. I do know I will survive. I am stronger than I think. I am hoping my instinct is right once again and that we will have a happy ever after.

I guess I will have a better idea after our first session on Thursday.

I keep fluctuating between feeling like a desperate weak woman clinging to a man for wanting to just go back to how it was before...to thinking he doesn't deserve me...to blaming myself...to hating him...to hating me....

The one positive is.....those 8 pounds I have put on in the past 2 years are flying off...
and I have also learned that even in my darkest despair I can see the reality....there are people having way worse days than me, lying in the hospital shot up for doing nothing more than attending a concert at the wrong time...I have never been one to be able do that. I have changed, thanks to therapy and if I am being completely honest, this man, this imperfect man, he has made me stronger...only to try to tear me down. I know it wasn't deliberate or I couldn't stay, I wouldn't stay.

He's not as perfect as I thought. I told him if someone had come to me and said "One of these statements is true, which is it: Dave is gay or Dave will cheat on you" I wouldn't have hesitated ...not because I think he's gay but because I was THAT sure he would never cheat on me.

A little more about the texts.

He gave her a shirt of his to cuddle with...are they teenagers? What kind of insanity is this?
They sent each other songs back and forth...the new version of mix tapes?
He wrote her poetry. He got "rock hard". He called her "babe"...I don't know why that just sounds so stupid coming from someone nearly 50. I told him it sounded like he needed "butterflies in the stomach"...willing to throw it all away for some teenage phone fling....IS THIS REAL LIFE??

I don't know if we can survive this...like I said before....I hope my instincts are right again and that we will and I promise to always trust THEM above all else.

The price is too high

A few months ago I had a conversation with a "gun person". I listened and learned. I even acknowledged that some of his arguments were valid.

That all changed with the latest (worst) mass shooting.

Some of the arguments he made and why I no longer agree with them:

You can't limit the number of bullets people buy because you use A LOT of bullets at a shooting range. I hadn't considered the volume of bullets used during "training" (I use quotes because what are you training for? Isn't it really just entertainment?).

Here's my solution (and I am sure there is an argument against it, but guess what? I am tired of arguments that involve making a gun owner's life easier or less expensive...so save them, because they are BULLSHIT! You can fall back on YOUR interpretation of the 2nd amendment, but there's no way you can claim that amendment wants it to be easy or cheap for you to be able to bear your fucking arms.

Oh...back to the solution...sorry, a little angry today...hundreds of innocent injured and dead people do that to me..... How about you buy your bullets AT the gun range and you must use them ALL there? Hell have the government regulate the price if you are afraid you will be gouged. But it is time we start tracking and limiting how many bullets you can buy....we fucking do this for a fucking decongestant...no one is using Sudafed to kill innocent people (my argument is if you are a meth head...you don't really count as an innocent..YOU make the choice to do drugs, innocent citizens aren't choosing to be mowed down at concerts, malls, movies, schools and churches!

His next argument:

It is a pain in the ass to have to reload that is why we need semi automatic....BULLSHIT!! Your inconvenience is not my fucking concern. Your precious 2nd amendment never guaranteed you the right to not be inconvenienced....how hard to you think it was to load muskets?? Suck it up buttercup...

As for those who claim you can obtain this shit illegally? You can get drugs illegally but we still have fucking laws about it....so shut the fuck up already! People are always going to break laws but we don't have a chance at preventing these tragedies if we just blatantly allow this shit. This particular asshole seems to have gotten all of his guns legally....Do people need to own more than gun or two?? Is there a reason why we shouldn't have records on people hoarding guns? (and if you really think it's to protect yourself from the government then you are being willfully ignorant or perhaps have a touch of mental illness...because NEWSFLASH...you will never own enough weapons to protect yourself from a government with a military like ours!)

Did your precious amendment say people with mental illness should be allowed to have guns? Did it say people on no fly lists should have guns? Does it not concern you that your beloved NRA is constantly lobbying for this shit??

The latest videos from the NRA are obscene, the intention is to fill you with fear, they are no different than an ISIS recruitment video. The NRA needs to go.

This guy may have had some kind of device to allow the gun to shoot faster...is this something we should be allowing citizens to buy?

Why is there legislature to make silencers legal? What fucking purpose does THAT serve? I really had no idea...until I read the absurd comments from gun owners about how annoying it is to remember to put ear plugs in and wah wah guns are loud and it is a health concern...SERIOUSLY???
A fucking health concern? Is anyone forcing you to fire a gun? Are you really that fucking lazy you can't put protective gear on? You don't deserve to be a gun owner...period. All you care about is yourself, not how difficult it might be for the police to find an active shooter if they are using a silencer? And, again....do you need a silencer to hunt? when you are shooting an intruder? NO NO you don't....so fuck you that you are inconvenienced by having to put protective gear on...just FUCK YOU for even trying to act like that is a valid argument. Talk about snowflakes....

Do I think this latest shooting will cause anyone to be "woke" to our gun problem? No....as I have read many times..if slaughtering children in Sandy Hook didn't do it...nothing will.

I had never argued for a ban on guns...but I am there....I don't  know exactly what Australia did, but it seems to have helped a lot and even if just one mass shooting a year is prevented I'd be ok with whatever so called freedoms are lost. The price has become beyond too high and I no longer give a shit about selfish gun owners and their dumb ass arguments.

Did you know the day before this 5 people were shot and 3 died (Kansas, I think) Jimmy Kimmel mentioned it in his heart wrenching monologue...didn't even make the fucking national news...

How about the toddler that shot a couple toddlers in a home day care? Did you hear about that? We don't even bat an eye anymore...what we do do is keep trying to pass laws that will INCREASE this shit...we don't need more laws allowing concealed shit...we need laws to start protecting PEOPLE not amendments.....

Read the statistics... yearly we have mass shooting equal to the number of days in a year...so many that we only hear about the "big" ones..we are numb...we are not the greatest nation, we are far from it. We can't protect our citizens from guns, we don't care if they have access to affordable healthcare, we cringe at the thought of anyone getting anything for free, even if it benefits all of us (free college would do that), we don't give a shit about a living wage...all we care about is our own personal self....And I know we aren't all like that...but that asshat, sorry excuse for a leader has given a voice to those who are and their voice is too loud and it makes events like this somehow more horrifying. I know I can't pin the blame for this on him, but I also know he doesn't care and he will do NOTHING about it.

I am sure I have much more to say but I am exhausted. Exhausted from trying to work yesterday and not cry while listening to FWP --people bitching about prices while people lay dying in hospital rooms just because they attended a music festival with a madman who no one knew had an arsenal...if only his ammo or number of weapons had been limited...how many lives would be different?

Exhausted from trying to figure out how to live in this society that is so self centered.
Mostly I am sad.....sad that I know this won't be the last time I feel this way because the people with the money will win out and nothing will change our gun laws once again.