I'm booored

Overthinking is probably one of my worst personality traits...is it even a trait? I don't know, but it's annoying and not just to me but to those around me. I certainly drive my hubby crazy with my brain concocting every imaginable scenario for the most innocuous events. I give meaning to every little thing...my own meaning.

I think I have found a cure..sort of....working. Specifically when I am "sizing and colorizing". It's hard to think when you brain is busy looking at tag sizes to put them in their proper order or even just folding stuff on tables or pretty much any of the other silly tasks I do at work. As long as my brain is kept occupied it can't create imaginary problems. This is why I play Candy Crush and Solitaire. I have to keep my brain busy until I can finally fall asleep. Sometimes it takes hours. I don't mind doing that at night to fall asleep but during the day it gets monotonous. I find myself sitting here going crazy...like now...he's at work, I'm off. I already napped for 2 hours, even though I really didn't need to. It's raining and cloudy, which never helps my mood. I planned on running today but just can't get motivated to get out there, I don't mind running in a drizzle, but it's kinda cold too. I could work out but now I have spent so many hours sitting here, all motivation is gone. I was going to play the piano, going to draw, but now I just don't want to do anything. I should have gone to the shelter to pet the kitties but ...well you get the idea....excuse after excuse to just sit here and that is why I am thinking about working full time. I can't remember the last time I worked full time....I'd say at least 10 years and I think it only lasted a year. Ever since my son was born I have never worked more than 30 hours for any length of time. Mainly because I HATED my job and I made enough money working part time that it didn't matter.

So now I like my job...I was working 3 days a week averaging 15-20 hours. I worked more during back to school and again at Christmas....and surprisingly I didn't get irritated. It's still retail but I don't hate it. I, of course, try to overanalyze why that is, but it doesn't really matter, does it? I don't dread working and even find it a release from dealing with my brain all day.

The opportunity for advancement has come and I thought I didn't want that either, I thought I just wanted to have as little responsibility as possible. I was equating more responsibility with increased stress, but I have come to see that I could actually (maybe) make a difference by helping to manage the store so my co workers would be held more accountable...and that is what stresses me out the most. Watching them get away with stuff because no one watches them.  There's a few good workers and a bunch of slackers. And middle management turns a blind eye, sure they commend us good workers but nothing happens to the shitty ones. They repeatedly don't show up for work (without calling half the time), they take longer breaks than they should, constant bathroom (aka cigarette) breaks that they aren't entitled to, they stand around acting busy instead of just doing their job and some are downright rude (and I'm not even talking about to the customers! but to each other!). It creates bad morale which makes the good workers less inclined to do their jobs. With a little bit of presence from management this could be avoided, they know no one is watching and that even if they were nothing would happen, so why change?

My only worry is that I get promoted and my hands are tied and I can't do anything to fix the problems and then I get frustrated and then what? Do I step down? Do I quit? That's me overthinking again. I like what I do now but the past couple weeks I have been working more hours and it's kept my mind busy, the only way for more hours is a promotion....so.....the good news is, they weren't aware I was willing to work more (poor communication on all of our parts) so I have bought myself some time until the next promotion becomes available (I am told "Spring" --is that March? April?). So I will keep my eye out to see what these "new" positions entail and if they make a difference...and decide when the time arrives...it doesn't help in the short run with how to occupy myself with my free time....I guess for now I will read the pile of magazines that has been building up...I can still do that from my position on the sofa!

I contemplated binge watching Making a Murderer but I feel like that would just outrage me and I would like to remain calm...even if it means I remain unmotivated!

No rhyme or reason

Everything is great...perfect even. I made up with my bff, me and my sister are on good terms again. I like my job (and I have off a bunch of days to spend with my son---who is HERE for 2 weeks!)
It's the holidays...everything is just wonderful. (well the weather could be better, but hey it still beats a TYPICAL winter back east)....

Yesterday...around 3 pm...no reason...it's hits...like a cloud blocking the sun...BOOM...I'm blue...

Hubby can tell right away...I have learned to feel it in my face...I can actually feel my eyebrows droop..I can feel the sadness in my eyes, like one of those dogs with the really sad droopy eyes.

I tell myself how stupid it is. There is NO REASON to be sad...I can't even make up one...normally I can at least find some ridiculous excuse...For some reason having a reason makes it easier to deal with. No reason makes me feel...crazy...out of control...which I am...it isn't my fault this happens...but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with...I can't stand it...if I allow it to, it can really consume me....I can let it in and let it take over and lose all desire to do anything...well to be honest I already have the desire to not do anything the moment it hits...but if I don't fight it....that's when it gets really ugly...I could just go to bed and try to sleep it off...but that's giving in to it. Sometimes I just want to run away because I am tired of inflicting this on those I love...mainly my hubby who has to deal with it every bit as much as I do. Sometimes I am just sad, but the really annoying times are when I become super insecure. I think my sadness means something...I am sad because he doesn't really love me..why would he love me? I don't love me...I don't want to be with me, why would he? And this is the shit I run through my mind over and over until I AM crazy...I truly begin to believe there is no way in hell he could love me, no way he should love me...that if I loved him as much as I say I do, I would do the honorable thing and release him from his commitment to me...he surely didn't sign up for this.

My only hope is that this is the peri menopause...I believe this  because it doesn't last long and it tends to be cyclical...there must be a drop in some hormone or a surge in one that causes this. My periods have been getting weirder and weirder...sometimes seeming like they come right after they ended...I am hoping this is a sign that things are finally going to wind down..it's been about 10 years since I first started having symptoms of perimenopause... I am so ready for the actual menopause and even more ready for this mood shit to stop....I will even embrace the notion of officially being old, if this BS will abate!

You may wonder why I don't consider drugs to help me through this....Prozac stole so much from me. It altered me beyond just fixing my depression, I refuse to do that again...I will take these sad days that I know will pass, they never last more than 2 or 3 days and don't happen every month, over giving up my life again to that pill. I just hope that this choice doesn't end up costing me my hubby. I am sure he will reach a breaking point..God know sometimes I come really close.

Writing helps get some of the thoughts to stop recirculating...well usually it does...today I still can't imagine why he doesn't leave me...I am so fucking annoying! THIS is so fucking annoying.

Beauty...why do we all see it differently?

I have been trying to think about how to write about this without coming off like I am phishing for compliments. That is not at all what I am trying to do.

What I am trying to do is figure out how to reconcile what I see in the mirror with what others see.

I'm 46 (maybe for only 30 more days, but hey I am still 46!)...and I have had many, many compliments about my hair over the years. I mean A LOT...it's very rare I can get a hair cut without the hairdresser commenting on my hair...and not just the color either. People LOVE my hair. I have come a long way in this area...I LOATHED my hair for too long. Then it just was what it was, I wouldn't say I love it, but I certainly appreciate it more than I ever hair, especially now with those white hairs popping up!

To this day I still have random strangers approach me about my hair...I mean it's one thing to have an interaction with me and comment about it, but to go out of your way to come up to me just to compliment me, that's a bit weird, right?? I even had a lady ask if she could take pics of my hair to show her hairdresser how she wanted hers to look...c'mon my hair ain't that great! The funniest thing is I get my hair cut at a beauty school for 8 dollars and 99% of the time I, literally, do NOTHING to my hair...wash it...that's it...run my fingers through it, as it dries naturally...sometimes I may use some Aussie spray, because I like the grape scent...but that's it. Personally, I prefer my hair when I blow dry it, but am just too lazy to take the 5 minutes to do that, unless I am going somewhere special.

This past week, I got another go out of her way to compliment me lady...she loved the way the back of my hair curled...I had a really early morning at work that day, so I had washed my hair the night before...and not only did nothing to it but SLEPT on it....and still compliments! Meanwhile I had looked in the mirror and thought "I should probably wear a headband, this crap is out of control today!"....What do they see that I don't? Can I even trust my opinion of myself?

But, as I have said, I have come a long way in understanding these compliments...people love the unusual color and they love wavy hair. I kinda get it. Somewhat...

But then there are the people, again perfect strangers, that will compliment me on my "good looks". I have never felt attractive and as the years go by, I am just getting older and older and like the mirror less and less. But the comments have increased. Men, women...it doesn't matter. Comments range from just mentioning that I have a "cute" body or other kinda awkward ways of commenting on my figure (it may just be me, but I find it really weird to talk about other people's bodies...good or bad--it just seems too intimate). Or sometimes it will just be an offhand "You are a beautiful lady (woman, whatever)" Again, I find it kinda odd for people to just say this...I mean it's better than "Did you fall out of the ugly tree?" but it's weird.

The hardest part for me is that I do not look in the mirror and see that. Twenty years with my husband constantly telling me how beautiful I am and I still don't see it...now random people blurting it out and more and more often...and again...I am aging!! Hello?!?!? What do they see?!?!?

I have thought it could be my happiness shining through....I am coming up on 3 years out of the pharmacy profession. Maybe the relief I feel and the contentment is visible...to them...but still not to me...

I just wonder...what will it take for me to look in the mirror and see what others see....I feel like I am running out of time... I would love to merge the image others see onto my self image...I can only imagine how I will appear to others if I am also confident....but realistically I just don't see myself ever seeing what they see...

Thanks for reading another rambling post of what goes through my overactive mind!

Suicidal thoughts are like a virus

I wanted to share this with people who still don't understand how people can think about death as a solution.

I haven't been truly suicidal in a long, long time. I can't even remember the last real time that it was a real consideration. That's a good thing.

But I do still have passing thoughts and it's annoying. I have NO desire to end it. I am truly at the happiest point in my life. If you just read my last post you will see that yes I do miss my son...but that is the only negative about my life..and I know that being on the same coast wouldn't erase the feelings of missing him being small.

Plus the thought came exactly a week ago...it was the second time I had the thought within the past month and that's why I started thinking more about the "why's" of why I had the thought.

You will just have to trust me when I say that I really don't want to die. This isn't a post subtlety asking for help. I just wanted to try to share some insight from someone who deals with this crap.

So I am driving...to the shelter to pet kitties...something I LOVE LOVE love to do! And there it is ..."What if I just drove my car into the other lane of traffic and ended it?" ....And I think "Where the fuck did that come from?"  That's how it happens...these ridiculous thoughts can catch you off guard...and I then I thought they (the thoughts) are like a virus that lies dormant...waiting for a weak moment to pounce and take over...

I wish I could accurately describe the visual I came up with...it's like your brain is this spinning multi level sphere and within each level are holes...when I say multi level...picture different walls within the sphere...each with a hole but spinning so fast that the holes rarely align to allow you to get to the center...

So these thoughts wait and pounce and sometimes they make it through a hole to the next wall, so that you actually hear them but the other walls are closed off so it just bounces back...but sometimes, maybe you are having a particularly bad day, they get through a couple walls and the thought doesn't sound so crazy...maybe even appealing...and maybe that thought makes it to the center and you act on it....your defenses are down and you just can't fight that virus anymore.

I feel more than healthy enough right now to handle these invasions....but it is still scary. Scary to think that one day I could do something stupid and impulsive that could end my life because I have this damn thought on a day when I am weakened by hormonal thoughts or some random annoying overwhelming event..or a combo of both.

The boy I worked with...I think this happened to him...he had toyed with suicide and then one night, after fighting with his girlfriend and feeling particularly alone at a bar...he had the thought "I should jump in front of this truck"..it was impulsive and not something he could take back...and now he's gone. His defenses were down and the suicidal virus won.

Play with your little ones...they won't be little long

I woke up this morning, not remembering what I had been just dreaming, but with instant thoughts of longing for my son. My mind raced with thoughts of how I wished I had been more present when he was younger. More emotionally present. I was there physically, I worked part time and during weekends, while he was at his father's. I was there, but not there. My mind started "What iffing?' itself to death...What if I had stayed with Bobby? I let that play out and realized it would have been a much worse childhood for him and much worse life for me. His memories would have been filled with constant arguing between his parents. When I was with Bobby I was a screamer...I yelled loud to be heard (although I still wasn't). I know it would have been ugly...I was pitiful in that relationship. Getting out allowed me to get the emotional help I needed. But it also put me on antidepressaants. And they robbed me of much of my son's youth. At first it was just that they left me completely devoid of emotion. I was no longer sad or angry, the yelling like a maniac stopped but I was kind of zombie like. I didn't cry at sappy TV shows, I didn't cringe at dead animals on the road (hell I even searched out dead photos on the internet). But then it got worse...I started sleeping ALL of the time...if I wasn't at work, I was sleeping...even driving to work I would sleep! One of my worst memories is when my son said to me "Mommy, why do you sleep all of the time, I want to play with you". That is when I sought help....sleep studies, new drugs to keep me from sleeping while driving (they didn't work). Then one day I just had it...I had stumbled on an article about a drug manufacturer that had buried a study showing that these drugs sometimes caused excessive sleeping..so I quit cold turkey...not recommended, I might add. It took months, but I lost weight I had gained (that I had attributed to getting older) and I stopped sleeping so damn much. But I had lost years...the best years of my son's life. The years when he liked being around me, wanted to play with me.

I try to not have regrets...I know I needed to leave my husband...I know I needed therapy. I didn't have the knowledge that taking drugs would rob me of so much. I am not even sure if therapy alone would have been enough, I was in a bad place. I try not to dwell on things that can't be changed. But for whatever reason (hormones again? they have been pretty screwed up this month) this morning I couldn't stop wondering and wishing. And even though I didn't "feel" like crying, which sometimes happens...days where I don't know why but I just want to cry (and don't) just FEEL like I want to, for no reason...well today I didn't FEEL like I needed to cry, but there I was just crying...really wanting to get on a plane and hug the life out of my son....He's starting his third year of college...not far from starting his adult life for real...Even though we have been apart for most of the past 2 years, a part of me still felt like he was a kid and still living at home, just off to college...but it's really sinking in...he's never coming back to my home. I won't be taking care of him ever again. There is no way to go back and play again. I just wish I had played more. I have memories of playing but I wish I had made it more important.

When I see parents in the store brushing off their kids nagging with a "Stop...I am busy doing blah blah" , I try to remember that it can be annoying and understand their frustration but at the same time, I just want to say "HEY! Stop what you are doing and listen to your kid...it only takes a moment to hear them...you will want that moment when they are 20." But I don't think you can make a parent understand...at that point they are tired and adulthood seems so far away...almost impossibly far some days....I can remember that...but it still doesn't make me not want to have a few more days with my three year old cutie pie.

I texted him immediately this morning ...just a "whatcha doing?"...got the response "working why?"...I told him I was really missing him and wanted him to know how much I love him...and got my favorite response...."love you too =)" I don't know why but the smiley face with an equal sign as eyes just makes me smile....  And I could sense he knew I was being a "MOM" but was telling me it's ok...so glad he's used to my sappiness!

Just a quickie

So it's been quite a while since I blogged.... we were really busy hiking somewhere far one day a week and now we are fostering kittens.

I had a lot on my mind but everything was still too fresh to put it out there. I guess it's been about 3 months since my last post...the one about becoming disillusioned by a so called friendship that wasn't.

I am not going to go into much other than to say, sometimes in the moment you can't see how toxic something is. I was refusing to take any blame for the end of the friendship but over time I have come to realize I was putting up walls and not being present in the relationship, so in that respect, yes, I was to blame. It was kind of what I was asking for (an end) and I got what I asked for.

The good news is, my life has been better for it. I have a piece of paper on the fridge....something I picked up from The Secret (the book about how to get what you want out of life) you write down what you want and look at it every day and you will eventually get it. It seems a little silly but I figured it couldn't hurt...all it says is "good jobs, happy, peaceful life"...Obviously good jobs is subjective...to me it merely means not stressful and pays the bills....all was going well there until they switched the hubby to night shift, but we survived and it kinda was the beginning of what ended the aforementioned friendship so in the end everything worked out!  Dave is back to days (except one night a week--which works out since I work one night a week, although they haven't been aligning quite yet) and our lives are much happier and much more peaceful. We aren't stressing about doing things on other people's schedules...we can have our weekend on OUR weekend and relax on our hump day. I am sure you can all empathize that feeling obligated to have dinner every week, right smack in the middle of your week, with an overcritical friend can be taxing. It was definitely affecting our (mine and Dave) relationship, hell even the friendship...it just wasn't enjoyable. We tried to explain that back East we only saw our best friends a few times a year, but getting that message out without hurting feelings was impossible. It SEEMED easier just to continue as is....oh my therapist would have a field day with that....that was always my downfall...she'd ask why I was doing something that didn't feel right or that I didn't want to do or not speaking up for myself and my go to answer was "It's just easier" and as I would sit there crying, she would say "It doesn't look easy from where I am sitting"   She will never know how grateful I am to have met her, she truly changed my life and I still use her tips and tricks every day...always quoting her to myself...


But I digress....so with all of our spare time to do what we wanted, when we wanted, we started taking day trips. No more than a 2 hour drive. We discovered lots of cool new hiking places. A dormant volcano....who knew? We saw vastly different landscapes from what we were hiking in the immediate area. We got a zoo membership to the San Diego zoo. And I convinced Dave to start volunteering at the shelter with me...so now we can play with kitties together. That led to the fostering. We are on our second "batch" of kitties. We have learned that all kittens are not the same...like not even close. The first ones were crazy...crazy energetic...we read how they sleep like 90% of the time...um, they didn't get that memo...they PLAYED 90% and CRAZY! Tackling each other, running fast as lightning...we eventually got 2 socialized a bit...one moreso than the other but one still didn't want anything to do with us. Well, this second batch is completely different...we don't get much info on them but it seems like 2 are from the same litter and one is a loner. The loner is so loving and friendly and bone thin...and the most playful. The other 2 are scared but different than the first ones...they would claw and fight to get away from you...these poor things just cower. They will let you hold and pet them but act like they hate it....well one has come around now and is even starting to purr and come TO me, instead of me having to go get her out of her hiding spot. But man can they sleep....sleep, sleep.....We will have these a bit longer than the first ones (12 days for the first ones) because they are younger and way too thin to be fixed yet. Hopefully the extra time will allow us to socialize them better....a recent adoption at the shelter was a stray that had been brought in as a kitten, she wasn't socialized and was there for TWO years(to the day!) before she was adopted. I had been working with her and she was letting me pet her from about an arms length and really starting to like it! A success story! But I don't want these kittens stuck there for two year....I take my role very seriously and spend as much time as possible with them (it would be more if they didn't sleep so damn much!!).

So that's what's been going on....seems mundane and boring....which is exactly what we want...a peaceful, quiet life, enjoying the beauty around us, enjoying each other and helping animals...is there really anything else one needs??

On a final note....allowing someone to control me (what I do, what I write, anything really) is something I swore I would never let happen again and somehow I ended up in that place, worrying about how someone else perceived me....not gonna happen again. I will be doing things MY way now and forever. And if you don't like it...stop reading....

Thinking is difficult that's why most people judge

The title of this post is a quote attributed to Carl Jung...I read it as a facebook meme. Unfortunately that day I also read this:

A hero New York City cop was shot in the face by a dirt bag, thug, violent career criminal on Saturday night. Sitting behind the wheel of his patrol car, the officer was questioning ex-con Demetrius Blackwell about a suspected weapon when the perp whipped out the handgun and shot Officer Brian Moore at point-blank range. Clinging to life, the cop remains in a medically-induced coma. 
As far as I know, no civil rights marches are planned.
Nobody deserves to die in police custody. But urban cops deal with the worst among us. Before we judge their actions on the streets we have to walk a mile in their shoes.
Update 
Officer Moore has died. He was 25, just like Freddie Gray. Don't cop's lives matter too? Where's the outrage? Where's the demonstration?

That was a facebook post by (allegedly--since who knows who really controls his facebook page) Geraldo Rivera. I only had the misfortune of reading it because a friend had "liked" it. I also mistakenly read way too many comments applauding Geraldo...and not even a handful calling him out on the absurdity of the comparison.



I can not understand how anyone who would take the time to read this and then THINK about what it is saying can possibly agree with it. It can't just be me that sees that comparing a cop being shot to black men and children being shot weekly (daily?) by cops is the same thing...thereby warranting a civil rights march.

I mean REALLY??? Let's think about some facts, because this issue divides many people, which in and of itself is stupid...because do those who are so outraged by the Black Lives Matter mantra really believe that anyone is saying cops lives don't? Or that to say Black Lives Matter is to side AGAINST the police?

I am not anti-cop. I am against racism. I am against people who try to deny racism by making excuses when cops shoot black people. I am tired of the excuse "You try doing their job"....Last I checked no one is forcing anyone to be a cop and to add to that shooting people is not part of their job, so they are NOT doing their job.

Next we hear the tired argument that these people (thugs, we now call them, I am guessing that is the PC way of saying the n word) somehow deserved to die....if they were just following the law, if they didn't run...only problem is that  excuse doesn't hold water in many of the instances of the murders (yes I will call them murders).

We have the man who had his back to the cop, leaning on a TOY gun in a Walmart....did he run? was he breaking a law? and the final test of racism....would he have been shot if he wasn't black?


How about the 12 year old boy shot within seconds of the police arriving at a park, responding to a 911 call that stated they didn't believe it to be a real gun...was he a criminal for playing with a toy gun in a park? Oh but he took off whatever tag that identified it as a toy...yup that warrants murdering him...do you know any 12 year old boys that do stupid things? I sure do...would they be shot in the same situation...if they were white? But he ran....most kids do run when they think they are about to get in trouble...I am betting growing up as a black kid, seeing these stories on the news, that he didn't have much trust in the cops...so yes he ran...did he deserve to be murdered for that?

How about the guy pulled over for a broken tail light...he took off running, because he owed back child support..do you know anyone who owes child support, that may have a broken tail light? Should they be shot in the back while running away after being tasered? Would you not be outraged? 

Then there's the guy, who didn't die, shot after he pulled over for a traffic stop...oops by mistake...caught on film...he was doing nothing wrong...just an itchy trigger finger...but cops have a stressful job...we should just excuse these lapses...do we excuse lapses by doctors who are grossly negligent doing their job? NO! They are sued and often lose their licenses..why must we be defend ALL cops, when it is so obvious some do not deserve to be defended?


Now let's discuss the "thugs"....you know the ones with records a mile long...one simply walking in the street (yes he had just robbed cigars (CIGARS!! are we okay with murdering someone for stealing cigars??) but we don't really know if the cop knew this, do we?)...so does he deserve to die for previous crimes committed, does he deserve to die for stealing cigars or giving a cop attitude? But the grand jury found the cop innocent...oh ok...let's ignore the reports of DA misconduct and just call this one ok....NO....a cop is not an executioner...I won't say this cop murdered in this instance but it certainly could have been handled better, no one should have died that day. 

What about the choke hold guy? He was selling cigarettes illegally...but he's big and scary...how many cops were holding him down? Did he need to die?

Finally, let's talk Baltimore. There still hasn't been a reason given why this guy was being arrested...other than he made eye contact with a cop and ran.....everyone is so much in denial about the problem that we now resort to manufacturing stories for the cops, they don't even need to do it....he had a prior injury, based on some lawsuit...oops turns out the injury was lead paint poisoning, but no, let's cling to the narrative we like, the one that let's us sleep easier believing we don't live in a country that violates people's civil rights based on their skin color....we'll just stick with that prior injury story, even after if it's been proven wrong and even removed from the original site that published it....that's how much denial we are in as a nation...let's ignore that a 2 minute ride to the station lasted 40 minutes...let's ignore the millions paid out in lawsuits by this one city for misconduct by police...let's ignore their policy of giving "thugs: a rough ride....it isn't comfortable to THINK about it, so let's just judge Freddie on his past mistakes and the future we assume he would have lead...and let's be okay with him being murdered because hey...isn't' Baltimore better off without him??



So go on....judging every time a cop kills a black person...it isn't just men or even boys...just judge...jump to the conclusion that the cop is telling the truth, the cop did what he had to do....don't waste time THINKING about what may have really happened, or THINK about why it happens so often and disproportionately to black men...just keep talking the talking points...thugs, blacks kill blacks (because what? whites don't kill whites?...and name me a black serial killer,off the top of your head?...they are such thugs, shouldn't there be at least ONE you can think of?)


Don't be outraged by the crimes committed by white people...that affect millions of Americans...and go unpunished...just sit there and be appalled that no one is throwing a march when a cop dies...because it is totally the same thing as what is happening in the black community.

And please shut the fuck up about how they are like animals destroying their own neighborhoods...implying that they are inferior to the white community who would never do that...as riots continue to break out all around the country when a basketball team loses or a parade goes crazy....I will not defend rioting, but I will not suggest that black people are the only morons doing it...their anger is a little bit different...people are losing their lives not basketball trophies...so stop judging and THINK...


When a cop wakes up in the morning, I imagine as he's looking at his image in the mirror he wonders "Will I die today?"...he chose this profession and it is not an easy one. I could google it but I am guessing in the majority of towns all across America most cops don't really have to worry about it too much, sure in cities it's a very real threat...but...

when a black man looks in that mirror he, too, wonders "Will I die today?" not for a crime I may have committed and done my time for, not for a crime I am about to commit...but simply because I am black and I may cross paths with a cop who believes that he can get away with killing me, because so many already have..."

His threat is real too, only he didn't chose to have black skin.

And if you think that just "thugs" are harassed, ask black actors...I forget which one sold their Mercedes and bought 3 Prius's instead because he was tired of getting pulled over for being a black man in a Mercedes...

Racism is real...too admit it, does not make you guilty of anything but to deny it does...you are guilty of not really THINKing about it, but instead choosing sides because the truth makes you uncomfortable.


If they invented a drug that would make you color blind....blind to the color of one's skin....would you be ok with taking it? Or do you feel you NEED that information to accurately judge the person you meet? THINK about your answer....consider situations in which you think knowing the skin color of someone would help you --walking down an alley in a city, picking a seat on a bus...and then THINK about what that means. Would you take that drug? What would happen if cops were forced to take it? Would statistics start to change?? THINK about it.