Suicidal thoughts are like a virus

I wanted to share this with people who still don't understand how people can think about death as a solution.

I haven't been truly suicidal in a long, long time. I can't even remember the last real time that it was a real consideration. That's a good thing.

But I do still have passing thoughts and it's annoying. I have NO desire to end it. I am truly at the happiest point in my life. If you just read my last post you will see that yes I do miss my son...but that is the only negative about my life..and I know that being on the same coast wouldn't erase the feelings of missing him being small.

Plus the thought came exactly a week ago...it was the second time I had the thought within the past month and that's why I started thinking more about the "why's" of why I had the thought.

You will just have to trust me when I say that I really don't want to die. This isn't a post subtlety asking for help. I just wanted to try to share some insight from someone who deals with this crap.

So I am driving...to the shelter to pet kitties...something I LOVE LOVE love to do! And there it is ..."What if I just drove my car into the other lane of traffic and ended it?" ....And I think "Where the fuck did that come from?"  That's how it happens...these ridiculous thoughts can catch you off guard...and I then I thought they (the thoughts) are like a virus that lies dormant...waiting for a weak moment to pounce and take over...

I wish I could accurately describe the visual I came up with...it's like your brain is this spinning multi level sphere and within each level are holes...when I say multi level...picture different walls within the sphere...each with a hole but spinning so fast that the holes rarely align to allow you to get to the center...

So these thoughts wait and pounce and sometimes they make it through a hole to the next wall, so that you actually hear them but the other walls are closed off so it just bounces back...but sometimes, maybe you are having a particularly bad day, they get through a couple walls and the thought doesn't sound so crazy...maybe even appealing...and maybe that thought makes it to the center and you act on it....your defenses are down and you just can't fight that virus anymore.

I feel more than healthy enough right now to handle these invasions....but it is still scary. Scary to think that one day I could do something stupid and impulsive that could end my life because I have this damn thought on a day when I am weakened by hormonal thoughts or some random annoying overwhelming event..or a combo of both.

The boy I worked with...I think this happened to him...he had toyed with suicide and then one night, after fighting with his girlfriend and feeling particularly alone at a bar...he had the thought "I should jump in front of this truck"..it was impulsive and not something he could take back...and now he's gone. His defenses were down and the suicidal virus won.