I woke up this morning, not remembering what I had been just dreaming, but with instant thoughts of longing for my son. My mind raced with thoughts of how I wished I had been more present when he was younger. More emotionally present. I was there physically, I worked part time and during weekends, while he was at his father's. I was there, but not there. My mind started "What iffing?' itself to death...What if I had stayed with Bobby? I let that play out and realized it would have been a much worse childhood for him and much worse life for me. His memories would have been filled with constant arguing between his parents. When I was with Bobby I was a screamer...I yelled loud to be heard (although I still wasn't). I know it would have been ugly...I was pitiful in that relationship. Getting out allowed me to get the emotional help I needed. But it also put me on antidepressaants. And they robbed me of much of my son's youth. At first it was just that they left me completely devoid of emotion. I was no longer sad or angry, the yelling like a maniac stopped but I was kind of zombie like. I didn't cry at sappy TV shows, I didn't cringe at dead animals on the road (hell I even searched out dead photos on the internet). But then it got worse...I started sleeping ALL of the time...if I wasn't at work, I was sleeping...even driving to work I would sleep! One of my worst memories is when my son said to me "Mommy, why do you sleep all of the time, I want to play with you". That is when I sought help....sleep studies, new drugs to keep me from sleeping while driving (they didn't work). Then one day I just had it...I had stumbled on an article about a drug manufacturer that had buried a study showing that these drugs sometimes caused excessive sleeping..so I quit cold turkey...not recommended, I might add. It took months, but I lost weight I had gained (that I had attributed to getting older) and I stopped sleeping so damn much. But I had lost years...the best years of my son's life. The years when he liked being around me, wanted to play with me.
I try to not have regrets...I know I needed to leave my husband...I know I needed therapy. I didn't have the knowledge that taking drugs would rob me of so much. I am not even sure if therapy alone would have been enough, I was in a bad place. I try not to dwell on things that can't be changed. But for whatever reason (hormones again? they have been pretty screwed up this month) this morning I couldn't stop wondering and wishing. And even though I didn't "feel" like crying, which sometimes happens...days where I don't know why but I just want to cry (and don't) just FEEL like I want to, for no reason...well today I didn't FEEL like I needed to cry, but there I was just crying...really wanting to get on a plane and hug the life out of my son....He's starting his third year of college...not far from starting his adult life for real...Even though we have been apart for most of the past 2 years, a part of me still felt like he was a kid and still living at home, just off to college...but it's really sinking in...he's never coming back to my home. I won't be taking care of him ever again. There is no way to go back and play again. I just wish I had played more. I have memories of playing but I wish I had made it more important.
When I see parents in the store brushing off their kids nagging with a "Stop...I am busy doing blah blah" , I try to remember that it can be annoying and understand their frustration but at the same time, I just want to say "HEY! Stop what you are doing and listen to your kid...it only takes a moment to hear them...you will want that moment when they are 20." But I don't think you can make a parent understand...at that point they are tired and adulthood seems so far away...almost impossibly far some days....I can remember that...but it still doesn't make me not want to have a few more days with my three year old cutie pie.
I texted him immediately this morning ...just a "whatcha doing?"...got the response "working why?"...I told him I was really missing him and wanted him to know how much I love him...and got my favorite response...."love you too =)" I don't know why but the smiley face with an equal sign as eyes just makes me smile.... And I could sense he knew I was being a "MOM" but was telling me it's ok...so glad he's used to my sappiness!
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