I have been trying to think about how to write about this without coming off like I am phishing for compliments. That is not at all what I am trying to do.
What I am trying to do is figure out how to reconcile what I see in the mirror with what others see.
I'm 46 (maybe for only 30 more days, but hey I am still 46!)...and I have had many, many compliments about my hair over the years. I mean A LOT...it's very rare I can get a hair cut without the hairdresser commenting on my hair...and not just the color either. People LOVE my hair. I have come a long way in this area...I LOATHED my hair for too long. Then it just was what it was, I wouldn't say I love it, but I certainly appreciate it more than I ever hair, especially now with those white hairs popping up!
To this day I still have random strangers approach me about my hair...I mean it's one thing to have an interaction with me and comment about it, but to go out of your way to come up to me just to compliment me, that's a bit weird, right?? I even had a lady ask if she could take pics of my hair to show her hairdresser how she wanted hers to look...c'mon my hair ain't that great! The funniest thing is I get my hair cut at a beauty school for 8 dollars and 99% of the time I, literally, do NOTHING to my hair...wash it...that's it...run my fingers through it, as it dries naturally...sometimes I may use some Aussie spray, because I like the grape scent...but that's it. Personally, I prefer my hair when I blow dry it, but am just too lazy to take the 5 minutes to do that, unless I am going somewhere special.
This past week, I got another go out of her way to compliment me lady...she loved the way the back of my hair curled...I had a really early morning at work that day, so I had washed my hair the night before...and not only did nothing to it but SLEPT on it....and still compliments! Meanwhile I had looked in the mirror and thought "I should probably wear a headband, this crap is out of control today!"....What do they see that I don't? Can I even trust my opinion of myself?
But, as I have said, I have come a long way in understanding these compliments...people love the unusual color and they love wavy hair. I kinda get it. Somewhat...
But then there are the people, again perfect strangers, that will compliment me on my "good looks". I have never felt attractive and as the years go by, I am just getting older and older and like the mirror less and less. But the comments have increased. Men, women...it doesn't matter. Comments range from just mentioning that I have a "cute" body or other kinda awkward ways of commenting on my figure (it may just be me, but I find it really weird to talk about other people's bodies...good or bad--it just seems too intimate). Or sometimes it will just be an offhand "You are a beautiful lady (woman, whatever)" Again, I find it kinda odd for people to just say this...I mean it's better than "Did you fall out of the ugly tree?" but it's weird.
The hardest part for me is that I do not look in the mirror and see that. Twenty years with my husband constantly telling me how beautiful I am and I still don't see it...now random people blurting it out and more and more often...and again...I am aging!! Hello?!?!? What do they see?!?!?
I have thought it could be my happiness shining through....I am coming up on 3 years out of the pharmacy profession. Maybe the relief I feel and the contentment is visible...to them...but still not to me...
I just wonder...what will it take for me to look in the mirror and see what others see....I feel like I am running out of time... I would love to merge the image others see onto my self image...I can only imagine how I will appear to others if I am also confident....but realistically I just don't see myself ever seeing what they see...
Thanks for reading another rambling post of what goes through my overactive mind!
No comments:
Post a Comment