Everything is great...perfect even. I made up with my bff, me and my sister are on good terms again. I like my job (and I have off a bunch of days to spend with my son---who is HERE for 2 weeks!)
It's the holidays...everything is just wonderful. (well the weather could be better, but hey it still beats a TYPICAL winter back east)....
Yesterday...around 3 pm...no reason...it's hits...like a cloud blocking the sun...BOOM...I'm blue...
Hubby can tell right away...I have learned to feel it in my face...I can actually feel my eyebrows droop..I can feel the sadness in my eyes, like one of those dogs with the really sad droopy eyes.
I tell myself how stupid it is. There is NO REASON to be sad...I can't even make up one...normally I can at least find some ridiculous excuse...For some reason having a reason makes it easier to deal with. No reason makes me feel...crazy...out of control...which I am...it isn't my fault this happens...but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with...I can't stand it...if I allow it to, it can really consume me....I can let it in and let it take over and lose all desire to do anything...well to be honest I already have the desire to not do anything the moment it hits...but if I don't fight it....that's when it gets really ugly...I could just go to bed and try to sleep it off...but that's giving in to it. Sometimes I just want to run away because I am tired of inflicting this on those I love...mainly my hubby who has to deal with it every bit as much as I do. Sometimes I am just sad, but the really annoying times are when I become super insecure. I think my sadness means something...I am sad because he doesn't really love me..why would he love me? I don't love me...I don't want to be with me, why would he? And this is the shit I run through my mind over and over until I AM crazy...I truly begin to believe there is no way in hell he could love me, no way he should love me...that if I loved him as much as I say I do, I would do the honorable thing and release him from his commitment to me...he surely didn't sign up for this.
My only hope is that this is the peri menopause...I believe this because it doesn't last long and it tends to be cyclical...there must be a drop in some hormone or a surge in one that causes this. My periods have been getting weirder and weirder...sometimes seeming like they come right after they ended...I am hoping this is a sign that things are finally going to wind down..it's been about 10 years since I first started having symptoms of perimenopause... I am so ready for the actual menopause and even more ready for this mood shit to stop....I will even embrace the notion of officially being old, if this BS will abate!
You may wonder why I don't consider drugs to help me through this....Prozac stole so much from me. It altered me beyond just fixing my depression, I refuse to do that again...I will take these sad days that I know will pass, they never last more than 2 or 3 days and don't happen every month, over giving up my life again to that pill. I just hope that this choice doesn't end up costing me my hubby. I am sure he will reach a breaking point..God know sometimes I come really close.
Writing helps get some of the thoughts to stop recirculating...well usually it does...today I still can't imagine why he doesn't leave me...I am so fucking annoying! THIS is so fucking annoying.
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