Believe it or not I have a lot to be thankful for. (the hard part is believing that I know that I do, not that I actually do).
And that is what I am most thankful for.
I am so thankful that finally I can stop looking for the bad in my life, that I can stop my negative thoughts and point them towards the positive. I can not overstate how important this is for me.
I have written blogs over the past few years expressing my surprise at my "new found" optimism.
Yet until this...what's the proper adjective? Shocking? event took place, I still didn't realize the depth of how much I have changed.
This could have, should have, would have...shattered me. I would have drowned in self pity, dove into the darkness of depression, let it consume me until I had no will to live.
It's been a little over 6 weeks. That's more than enough time for a hormonal flux that would have put me into a sadness or depression without a reason. And yet here I sit not having had one moment of true depression, not one suicidal passing thought in the past 6 weeks. That's not to say I haven't had some hormonal sadness, differentiated by wanting to cry and not knowing why, it's not to say I haven't suffered immense hurt and pain...wanting to cry, and actually giving in and having soul wrenching sob sessions. But I have not been depressed.
For those of you who have never experienced depression and think it's being sad. It's not. I think I can better define what depression is for me because of these last several weeks. Depression (for me) is a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't need a cause. Doesn't need a reason. It's just a darkness and emptiness that takes over, not just your mind, but your body. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to think anything. You just don't want to be. And that's not to say you want to be dead. It's different. I have been really depressed and not suicidal. And on the other hand I have thought I was perfectly fine and had a suicidal thought..just a quick little "Why not end it all? Drive into that wall" It shocks me and I wonder where it came from. I haven't had ANY of this in 6 weeks. I haven't even been tempted to TRY to be depressed, which sounds even more strange. Why would you try to be depressed? There are times when I enjoy (not quite the right word but it gets the point across) being in that pit of depression. Certainly I don't know why I would, it's horrible. But I know there are times when I just want to be left alone and let it overtake me. That's probably the depression wooing me and that's why it can't win when I am not already depressed. It can't even call to me. It's so far away from where I am right now.
Part of me hopes that all of the things I have learned about myself and learning how many people are there for me has "cured" me. That I will never experience depression again. Wouldn't that be great? Still probably not worth the hurt and pain of the past month and a half (does that give you an idea of the pain? I would rather still get depressed for the rest of my life sporadically than to have learned that my husband could cheat on me. And as I write it, I know that it is true. I would give anything to have had him never have done this--even a life filled with depression). I know it probably isn't realistic to think I won't ever be depressed again but there's that optimistic side hoping it could be true.
So what am I thankful for?
I am thankful for the loyal men in my life: Michael, Ray and Andrew. They love me unconditionally and will always be here for me, never even needing to resist the temptation to stray, because they won't even BE tempted. They will always be here in my corner, supporting me!
I am thankful the many friends (many of who also are my family) who have reached out to me to reassure me that they have always been there and that they will always be there. Friends that I thought were casual taking the time to be sure I knew that I was important to them...I may only keep about 100 friends on facebook, but nearly all of them are true, real friends. I am so thankful for each of them.
I am thankful for the 20 good years I had with Dave, without those years, our relationship could never hope to survive this. I rely on those memories, that love, to reassure me that my gut will prove to be true and that he will prove himself to be the man I have always believed him to be. This will all have been a horrible, terrible series of mistakes that he will never forget or repeat.
I am thankful for my health-- both mentally and physically.
I am thankful to be living in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Enjoying a warm (hot) day filled with sunshine and palm trees.
I am thankful for a job that I no longer hate. I'd rather not be working on this holiday, but I am thankful that I don't dread going in. Even knowing how crazy it's gonna be, it's just a few weeks out of the year and then the calmness will return and I can go back to mindlessly folding clothes.
I am thankful for this venue to express myself. I am still on a roller coaster but the good days are better and the bad days not as bad. You can see that by fewer posts recently. I hope to one day resume my regular random rambling blog and be done with these overly personal posts. Back to raging about our moronic president!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and take time to find the things you are thankful for. May they far exceed the things that irritate or annoy you!
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Denial is over
So I guess denial is over. I just refused to believe he could do this to me. To us. Not him, anyone but him. And though I ran the images of them together through my head millions of times...reread the texts that are emblazoned in my memory over and over. It still wasn't real.
I had some bad days then 2 good days and then I thought I was ready to move on. I put our pictures back up. I was ready to let him fix this. And then I don't know what happened. I woke up thinking I wanted to find the first card he had given me and then I started thinking (uh oh) would reading all those words he used to write to me sound too much like what he wrote to her? Would it make things worse? Would it make it harder to believe him? And I fell apart.
We were supposed to hike. And so we did. I spent the better part of 2 hours and 4 and 1/2 miles crying, screaming or hyperventilating or just stomping up hills. The whole time wanting not to be doing that. Wanting to know what happened to my good days. Where was this coming from?
We ran some chores and then came home and had lunch. I headed up to nap...screaming and crying is fucking exhausting. But instead of falling asleep I started sobbing hysterically. I don't think I have cried like that since the first few hours after finding out. I could not calm myself down. I could not stop. He heard me and came and held me. I so want to believe we can get through this.
The night was a little calmer. We went to bed early both of us physically and emotionally drained.
He had to work today. I woke up feeling ok. I actually slept fairly well and for a LONG (any time I woke up I was able to fall right back asleep) time.
Sitting around, trying to figure out what to do...but still so tired. I decide to go lay down. I am laying there not thinking about much and BOOM....here it comes again. Hysterical sobbing...no one here to calm me down...I can't calm myself down. I think about how to make this stop. I know leaving won't end it. I want to run. Not run like exercise...run like far away...in my mind I keep seeing myself heading north...why? I don't wanna go north. I don't know where I'd go. What do I think is better somewhere else than here? I then think maybe a road trip alone to the Grand Canyon would be fun. I have the next 2 days off. But I still sob uncontrollably. I know leaving isn't the answer. I want to believe he is sincere in wanting to fix this. I want to believe he can. I know part of that is me letting him. I want to tell my bff to make sure if he ever does this to me again that he will not let me give him any more chances. I don't trust myself to not keep letting him hurt me. I feel like if there was a next time I wouldn't have any love left for him to even want to stay. I can see why people wouldn't try. I would not be here if not for the love I finally allowed myself to feel and give. I gave him my all. That's what hurts --- he does not deserve a second chance. He chose to risk it, he should lose it. But what about me?? I can not cut my nose off to spite my face. I just can't. I still believe in us. I believe he lost his way. I believe he may even have stopped caring what happened to us, but I also believe he has realized he was wrong. This was a huge wake up call for him. He does want to be here. He is here. I have to let him try to fix this.
But I no longer deny that he did it. That I was wrong. He is capable of this. And right now I believe he could/would do it again. I believe he knows why and doesn't want to face it. And if he doesn't know why--well every day that gets us further from the day he started down the path of actively choosing to risk our marriage, not once but for months and months...every day is a day further from him ever finding out why and how he could do this...and that means a certain end to me giving him a chance. Because I will never be able to lie to myself and say he won't do this again if we don't know why he did it now.
Denial is over. He is capable of this. He did this. He can do it again.
Now on to acceptance....and maybe, just maybe I can start to heal.
I had some bad days then 2 good days and then I thought I was ready to move on. I put our pictures back up. I was ready to let him fix this. And then I don't know what happened. I woke up thinking I wanted to find the first card he had given me and then I started thinking (uh oh) would reading all those words he used to write to me sound too much like what he wrote to her? Would it make things worse? Would it make it harder to believe him? And I fell apart.
We were supposed to hike. And so we did. I spent the better part of 2 hours and 4 and 1/2 miles crying, screaming or hyperventilating or just stomping up hills. The whole time wanting not to be doing that. Wanting to know what happened to my good days. Where was this coming from?
We ran some chores and then came home and had lunch. I headed up to nap...screaming and crying is fucking exhausting. But instead of falling asleep I started sobbing hysterically. I don't think I have cried like that since the first few hours after finding out. I could not calm myself down. I could not stop. He heard me and came and held me. I so want to believe we can get through this.
The night was a little calmer. We went to bed early both of us physically and emotionally drained.
He had to work today. I woke up feeling ok. I actually slept fairly well and for a LONG (any time I woke up I was able to fall right back asleep) time.
Sitting around, trying to figure out what to do...but still so tired. I decide to go lay down. I am laying there not thinking about much and BOOM....here it comes again. Hysterical sobbing...no one here to calm me down...I can't calm myself down. I think about how to make this stop. I know leaving won't end it. I want to run. Not run like exercise...run like far away...in my mind I keep seeing myself heading north...why? I don't wanna go north. I don't know where I'd go. What do I think is better somewhere else than here? I then think maybe a road trip alone to the Grand Canyon would be fun. I have the next 2 days off. But I still sob uncontrollably. I know leaving isn't the answer. I want to believe he is sincere in wanting to fix this. I want to believe he can. I know part of that is me letting him. I want to tell my bff to make sure if he ever does this to me again that he will not let me give him any more chances. I don't trust myself to not keep letting him hurt me. I feel like if there was a next time I wouldn't have any love left for him to even want to stay. I can see why people wouldn't try. I would not be here if not for the love I finally allowed myself to feel and give. I gave him my all. That's what hurts --- he does not deserve a second chance. He chose to risk it, he should lose it. But what about me?? I can not cut my nose off to spite my face. I just can't. I still believe in us. I believe he lost his way. I believe he may even have stopped caring what happened to us, but I also believe he has realized he was wrong. This was a huge wake up call for him. He does want to be here. He is here. I have to let him try to fix this.
But I no longer deny that he did it. That I was wrong. He is capable of this. And right now I believe he could/would do it again. I believe he knows why and doesn't want to face it. And if he doesn't know why--well every day that gets us further from the day he started down the path of actively choosing to risk our marriage, not once but for months and months...every day is a day further from him ever finding out why and how he could do this...and that means a certain end to me giving him a chance. Because I will never be able to lie to myself and say he won't do this again if we don't know why he did it now.
Denial is over. He is capable of this. He did this. He can do it again.
Now on to acceptance....and maybe, just maybe I can start to heal.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
The not blog blog
I was planning on just writing some thoughts, not an actual blog....so it was written somewhere else and I will paste it here.. I was all over the place again today and when I sat to write I had no idea where it would go....I thought I could take things day by day...but I guess in reality I should stick with hour by hour.
So tired of being all over the place….
so tired of not knowing what is real.
Today I realized I feel manipulated.
That’s what his lies did…they manipulated me.
He knows the truth would have led to me not trusting him and the demise of our relationship so he lied…to make sure that wouldn’t happen…that is manipulation.
He told me he talked to his therapist about a hypothetical I threw at him…what would he do if a female coworker is crying in the break room?
The therapist says he should ask her what’s wrong …get involved….which is what leads him to be a cheater…but the therapist says he needs to tell me about it. And tell me how it makes him feel to help people. He realizes it gives him a euphoria (his word) to help a damsel in distress (my words)….that scares the shit out of me….how is going to give that up? It’s like a drug….one of my friends who has been cheated on private messaged me saying this very thing…..it’s like a fucking drug….how the fuck can I believe he can stop it?
He claims he will be more conscious of his actions. He will discuss all of these types of interactions…he stated this like some kind of magical breakthrough….forgetting we discussed this same shit 4 years ago with Holly…..he promised then to be more open….he promised then not to lie.. we discussed communicating inappropriate feelings THEN….why is this suddenly new and going to be different this time??
Some days…no that’s not true….some hours…I can’t see a way out of this. I can’t see a reason to ever believe he will be honest with me…why should he be? He knows I am gullible and will buy anything he says…
It seems so much easier to end it now. How I wish I didn’t love him….sometimes I wish I never met him…I already was married to a liar and a cheater….one I went eyes wide open into….what the hell would be the difference if I had just stayed there? So I had some happy years….but I don’t even know that they were real. I suppose if I was happy it was real for me….so why do I just feel like a fool? How could I be happy if my partner wasn’t?….I don’t know what I am trying to say…
I guess I just don’t trust anything anymore…I don’t trust memories. I don’t even trust his actions. What was for me and what was to manipulate me?
How do I believe he never did this before?
How do I believe he won’t do it again? How long till he stops being “conscious” of his actions?
Is it my job to start to doubt when things feel good again? Or will he really be feeling good with me? Will he be able to recognize whatever it was that led to this and stop it?
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
When to leap?
It feels like I haven't written in a while....it's been 3 days!
I don't have much to say (so this will probably be the longest post ever, right??).
I had the weekend off and spent most of it distracted with my friends (thanks guys!!)...Pride Weekend!! Lots of food, some drinks (mmmm strawberry lemonade and vodka!) and just relaxing.
Meanwhile Dave was finishing up his first week (6 days in a row!) of work.
I seemed to do ok with that.
Then Monday came. I thought I was ok...he seems to think I was putting off a "hopeless about our future" vibe. I thought I was feeling about the same....not great but not as hopeless as that one day.
But then we went to the grocery store. Watching him interact with the female employees just made something click in me. It all seemed so harmless. Just like when he introduced me to Rachel the first time. Just like when he said "You saw her, she's not attractive"... I realized ...what?. What did I realize?...I guess it's the control thing....obviously he can't sit at home all day the rest of our lives....it's the way he interacts with people...women...he's so damn friendly and it SEEMS so innocent...until it's not. I have no control over what happens when I am not there. And no way of knowing the truth. His lies are so good. His facade nearly perfect. I mean there were days when he cracked and made me doubt our future. And he looked like shit. But his lies told me that was all "something fogging my head". I thought it was a depression of sorts. Some kind of Manopause. Will he be able to use those lies again or find new ones to cover his tracks? I AM NEVER LYING TO YOU AGAIN....that's his response to those questions...he's so sure, when he has no idea why he did it in the first place. Lying to himself with his confidence, because he can't know.
He still is in denial that anything would have ever happened 4 years ago with Holly. I am more sure than ever that it would have. I question how he can be honest with me when he can't even be honest with himself. I remind him that he probably would have said the same thing about Rachel. ....This was different, he claims. NO...it was EXACTLY the same. I don't know Holly, I don't know what her response would have been to his flirtatious comment...maybe she isn't a whore who thinks it's ok to have inappropriate conversations with a married man...so maybe that's why it would have stopped..or if she had written back, encouraging him...why would it have not ended up the same? He says something lame about the distance. I remind him, that for him, it isn't about a physical relationship. He probably would have been just as content to not go meet Rachel...not kiss her. What if she would have wanted sex? Would he have denied it to her? For how long? Our friend started an affair over long distance...one that ended his marriage....it most certainly could have developed into an emotional affair and who knows what afterwards.
I found out today that her birthday was in August. He claims he did nothing to celebrate it. No gift. No card. No poem. Nothing. Didn't go see her. That sounds bizarre. The man I know goes out of his way to make you feel special on your special day. Why would he just glaze over her special day? He loved her more than me, couldn't imagine a future without her in it....they are words he wrote to her. Lies, I guess. Because nothing adds up. If he really felt that way about her, he would have had to do something on her birthday. Minimally a poem. Over the years I have had scavenger hunts, hand crafted gifts....always something from the heart. He says it never even dawned on him to do anything. Is there a chance it really was nothing....I mean it had to be something....to risk everything for it. And she was upset...of course she was...how can she believe his lies when he is so blase about her birthday. EVERY man knows how important that is....they always at least pretend!
Last night, I imagined what new vows might sound like: I promise to never have empathy for another woman in a difficult relationship. I promise to never have conversations with women about their personal lives. I promise to stop trying to save women. Will that really remove the temptation? Can he turn away from someone in need? I ran all of this by him. I feel like it's too much to ask. Doesn't it strip him of who he is? I can't even imagine him telling someone who's upset, maybe crying, about how horrible their husband is "Sorry I am an addict and I can't talk to you about this without starting an emotional affair" I mean, of course, he wouldn't say that but what do you say? I don't see him being able to stop someone from confiding in him. IT JUST HAPPENS!!!
Can a relationship survive if one person won't let the other have plutonic friendships with someone of the opposite sex? Can MY relationship survive if I do?
I feel myself so close to giving in. He is so convincing that he loves me, wants only me. He is so sure that this is exactly where he wants to be...And I want to let go...let this all be done...move toward the happy future...no more pain, no more anger....all love.....I want that so bad. But my heart tells me it isn't time yet. I deserve my answers and shouldn't be too happy before then. Can heal a little, but not too much. One part of me screams "Oh fuck it...you are gonna hurt whether you hold back now or go all in if it turns out he's wrong, if we end up apart...so just fucking go all in....hurt is hurt...it won't hurt less by holding back now...." Is that true? Why am I holding back? Is it out of some sense of what people would think? Do I think there's some magic amount of time that should lapse before forgiveness is allowed, before I can be happy all the time again? Or is that little voice reminding me that perfect is bad...when I think things are perfect they are only perfect for me...perfect gives him permission to fuck it up...he hates perfect. He likes THIS. Needy, unsure me. I don't know...but I guess as long as I don't think it's time...then it must not be time. I'll hang on the edge today...maybe tomorrow I will leap...but not today.
I don't have much to say (so this will probably be the longest post ever, right??).
I had the weekend off and spent most of it distracted with my friends (thanks guys!!)...Pride Weekend!! Lots of food, some drinks (mmmm strawberry lemonade and vodka!) and just relaxing.
Meanwhile Dave was finishing up his first week (6 days in a row!) of work.
I seemed to do ok with that.
Then Monday came. I thought I was ok...he seems to think I was putting off a "hopeless about our future" vibe. I thought I was feeling about the same....not great but not as hopeless as that one day.
But then we went to the grocery store. Watching him interact with the female employees just made something click in me. It all seemed so harmless. Just like when he introduced me to Rachel the first time. Just like when he said "You saw her, she's not attractive"... I realized ...what?. What did I realize?...I guess it's the control thing....obviously he can't sit at home all day the rest of our lives....it's the way he interacts with people...women...he's so damn friendly and it SEEMS so innocent...until it's not. I have no control over what happens when I am not there. And no way of knowing the truth. His lies are so good. His facade nearly perfect. I mean there were days when he cracked and made me doubt our future. And he looked like shit. But his lies told me that was all "something fogging my head". I thought it was a depression of sorts. Some kind of Manopause. Will he be able to use those lies again or find new ones to cover his tracks? I AM NEVER LYING TO YOU AGAIN....that's his response to those questions...he's so sure, when he has no idea why he did it in the first place. Lying to himself with his confidence, because he can't know.
He still is in denial that anything would have ever happened 4 years ago with Holly. I am more sure than ever that it would have. I question how he can be honest with me when he can't even be honest with himself. I remind him that he probably would have said the same thing about Rachel. ....This was different, he claims. NO...it was EXACTLY the same. I don't know Holly, I don't know what her response would have been to his flirtatious comment...maybe she isn't a whore who thinks it's ok to have inappropriate conversations with a married man...so maybe that's why it would have stopped..or if she had written back, encouraging him...why would it have not ended up the same? He says something lame about the distance. I remind him, that for him, it isn't about a physical relationship. He probably would have been just as content to not go meet Rachel...not kiss her. What if she would have wanted sex? Would he have denied it to her? For how long? Our friend started an affair over long distance...one that ended his marriage....it most certainly could have developed into an emotional affair and who knows what afterwards.
I found out today that her birthday was in August. He claims he did nothing to celebrate it. No gift. No card. No poem. Nothing. Didn't go see her. That sounds bizarre. The man I know goes out of his way to make you feel special on your special day. Why would he just glaze over her special day? He loved her more than me, couldn't imagine a future without her in it....they are words he wrote to her. Lies, I guess. Because nothing adds up. If he really felt that way about her, he would have had to do something on her birthday. Minimally a poem. Over the years I have had scavenger hunts, hand crafted gifts....always something from the heart. He says it never even dawned on him to do anything. Is there a chance it really was nothing....I mean it had to be something....to risk everything for it. And she was upset...of course she was...how can she believe his lies when he is so blase about her birthday. EVERY man knows how important that is....they always at least pretend!
Last night, I imagined what new vows might sound like: I promise to never have empathy for another woman in a difficult relationship. I promise to never have conversations with women about their personal lives. I promise to stop trying to save women. Will that really remove the temptation? Can he turn away from someone in need? I ran all of this by him. I feel like it's too much to ask. Doesn't it strip him of who he is? I can't even imagine him telling someone who's upset, maybe crying, about how horrible their husband is "Sorry I am an addict and I can't talk to you about this without starting an emotional affair" I mean, of course, he wouldn't say that but what do you say? I don't see him being able to stop someone from confiding in him. IT JUST HAPPENS!!!
Can a relationship survive if one person won't let the other have plutonic friendships with someone of the opposite sex? Can MY relationship survive if I do?
I feel myself so close to giving in. He is so convincing that he loves me, wants only me. He is so sure that this is exactly where he wants to be...And I want to let go...let this all be done...move toward the happy future...no more pain, no more anger....all love.....I want that so bad. But my heart tells me it isn't time yet. I deserve my answers and shouldn't be too happy before then. Can heal a little, but not too much. One part of me screams "Oh fuck it...you are gonna hurt whether you hold back now or go all in if it turns out he's wrong, if we end up apart...so just fucking go all in....hurt is hurt...it won't hurt less by holding back now...." Is that true? Why am I holding back? Is it out of some sense of what people would think? Do I think there's some magic amount of time that should lapse before forgiveness is allowed, before I can be happy all the time again? Or is that little voice reminding me that perfect is bad...when I think things are perfect they are only perfect for me...perfect gives him permission to fuck it up...he hates perfect. He likes THIS. Needy, unsure me. I don't know...but I guess as long as I don't think it's time...then it must not be time. I'll hang on the edge today...maybe tomorrow I will leap...but not today.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Thoughts on a post marriage life ...should it happen that way
Got a message from a friend...another one who thought we had the perfect relationship. She's single and was gonna update her dating profile but now questions whether it's worth it. My advice ...stay in the game...have fun...don't get serious.
It got me thinking...but then doesn't everything?
I remember the very first time my heart was broken...even before I ever had a boyfriend. Just not having a boyfriend and watching my sister cycle through boys-- as early as 2nd grade they flocked to her...that was heart breaking. I remember thinking and even telling friends. I am going to use guys. One day I will figure out how to make them fall for me and I will hurt them. I will never fall for them. Just use and dispose. I was a bit bitter....years of being a "four eyed, red headed sped and freckle faced geek" will do that to you.
I thought I never actually did that....but I suppose in hindsight it looks like I did. My first boyfriend became my first fiance and I was pretty horrible to him. He wasn't completely blameless but still...I dumped him...twice. Then there was my first
husband..god knows he deserved everything he got...but in the end the tally card ended with me hurting him more.
Now this. The beginning years of our relationship were tough. I was a mental mess. But, as I have said, I have come a long way. And I have searched long and and then even longer for a reason why I deserved this. What did she give him that I wasn't giving him? The answer is nothing---all she was was someone different..nothing I can do about that. Why he needed something different remains to be seen.
But the point of this post isn't any of that....it's where would I go from here if I didn't stay..or if it doesn't work?
I would most definitely get back out there...and I'd have fun. Love certainly doesn't interest me. If he couldn't be faithful and loyal, I don't really believe anyone can be. Doesn't mean I want to sit home alone. I'd like to say I'd go out and break some hearts, but I guess I really just don't have that mean streak anymore. It may happen inadvertently but I wouldn't set out to do it. I am sure I may run into a man or two that would want to settle down and it ain't gonna happen. I'd probably have some ground rules about length of time dating and most certainly length of other things....if ya know what I mean...ain't nobody got time to waste on shitty sex--too many fish in the sea!
I think the whole dating thing could be fun, as long as I went into it knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Just fun and sex. Love is far too painful when it fails and the failure rate is way too high. I don't have the patience for it. If this relationship didn't have a 21 year history, I would have booted his ass out the first night. For 21 years he showed me a man that I thought was perfect, showed me a love that had to be real...that should count for something. But if it had been 5 years...pfft...whatever...if you can't be faithful for 5 years it ain't worth saving.
I am pushing 50. I don't have the energy to start a new 20 year relationship. Nothing I start now would ever mean what this one has meant...so why bother? Fun, that's the way to go. I have at least 10 years of fun and sex left in me and then I'll settle in to one of my many hobbies and entertain myself that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer the life I once dreamed of but if that doesn't happen, my future is far from lonely. Look out men (and maybe some ladies too!!) I may be coming for you!!
It got me thinking...but then doesn't everything?
I remember the very first time my heart was broken...even before I ever had a boyfriend. Just not having a boyfriend and watching my sister cycle through boys-- as early as 2nd grade they flocked to her...that was heart breaking. I remember thinking and even telling friends. I am going to use guys. One day I will figure out how to make them fall for me and I will hurt them. I will never fall for them. Just use and dispose. I was a bit bitter....years of being a "four eyed, red headed sped and freckle faced geek" will do that to you.
I thought I never actually did that....but I suppose in hindsight it looks like I did. My first boyfriend became my first fiance and I was pretty horrible to him. He wasn't completely blameless but still...I dumped him...twice. Then there was my first
husband..god knows he deserved everything he got...but in the end the tally card ended with me hurting him more.
Now this. The beginning years of our relationship were tough. I was a mental mess. But, as I have said, I have come a long way. And I have searched long and and then even longer for a reason why I deserved this. What did she give him that I wasn't giving him? The answer is nothing---all she was was someone different..nothing I can do about that. Why he needed something different remains to be seen.
But the point of this post isn't any of that....it's where would I go from here if I didn't stay..or if it doesn't work?
I would most definitely get back out there...and I'd have fun. Love certainly doesn't interest me. If he couldn't be faithful and loyal, I don't really believe anyone can be. Doesn't mean I want to sit home alone. I'd like to say I'd go out and break some hearts, but I guess I really just don't have that mean streak anymore. It may happen inadvertently but I wouldn't set out to do it. I am sure I may run into a man or two that would want to settle down and it ain't gonna happen. I'd probably have some ground rules about length of time dating and most certainly length of other things....if ya know what I mean...ain't nobody got time to waste on shitty sex--too many fish in the sea!
I think the whole dating thing could be fun, as long as I went into it knowing it wasn't going anywhere. Just fun and sex. Love is far too painful when it fails and the failure rate is way too high. I don't have the patience for it. If this relationship didn't have a 21 year history, I would have booted his ass out the first night. For 21 years he showed me a man that I thought was perfect, showed me a love that had to be real...that should count for something. But if it had been 5 years...pfft...whatever...if you can't be faithful for 5 years it ain't worth saving.
I am pushing 50. I don't have the energy to start a new 20 year relationship. Nothing I start now would ever mean what this one has meant...so why bother? Fun, that's the way to go. I have at least 10 years of fun and sex left in me and then I'll settle in to one of my many hobbies and entertain myself that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer the life I once dreamed of but if that doesn't happen, my future is far from lonely. Look out men (and maybe some ladies too!!) I may be coming for you!!
Friday, November 3, 2017
Anxiety...blah!
Since he started his new job Tuesday, I have gotten some sleep. I still wake up after 4 hours of sleeping, usually around 3 am and then have a tough time getting back to sleep. But with him at work I am staying in bed til 9. When he's here it's harder for me to sleep past 6 or 7...I don't know why.
I am still so tired. I guess 3 weeks of not sleeping will do that to you. A few times I have had a solid 6 hours when I take an Ambien, but one, I don't want to keep taking them and two, 6 hours isn't enough for me. Guess I just have to be patient with this too.
Today I woke up anxious.
Anxiety sucks.
The peri menopause has given me many days with anxiety with no cause. Obviously now there's reasons to be anxious. I can't separate the two. Is this just hormonal anxiety?
I sit here telling myself I prefer anger to anxiety. But I don't know if that's true. Anxiety certainly feels worse. But anger is detrimental to healing our relationship.
It's day 3 of the month. I want to be optimistic. Anxiety makes that hard. The good news is I am not allowing myself to follow the thought paths the anxiety would like me to. I truly believe he won't contact her. I truly believe he doesn't want to.
We discussed my worries about him discovering he doesn't love me and that the books and therapy will reveal that. He says he hasn't felt that way at all, can't even see how that would happen.
I have decided it is probably best to stop trying to read the books. I wanted to read them so we could discuss them together. I wanted to read them for him. I find them depressing. That makes no sense. They are books designed to help. I think it's because I see him in a new light. It's almost like it was with Marcos (the coworker who killed himself). I didn't see it. Seeing him as someone with low self esteem, someone who is codependent...it's new to me. And I wonder how I missed it. It makes me question his motives. Everything I thought was being done from a place of love...was it really just him being codependent? The need to take care of someone...anyone...it wasn't about loving ME...just about taking care of someone...not ME....I could be anyone...the "love" was about my neediness, not loving me as a person.... He doesn't think so. He hasn't learned much yet. He may learn otherwise.
I now know I am worthy of love for who I am, not just a problem to be fixed. I am kind, caring, loving, smart, funny (I stand by my belief that this is my best quality--he seems to think I think I am funnier than I actually am...but I crack myself up and that's all that really matters!!), and even I suppose attractive. I am even trying to love my brain. I don't want to hate or resent any part of myself anymore. I have decided to embrace my overthinking and applaud it and give it credit for getting me where I am....all this thinking led me to see that I am worthy. This brain taught me how to be strong. This brain was smart enough to shut up that first week and smart enough to start thinking again to keep me from focusing my energy on useless thoughts. It starts to go there...but it stops. It is an exhausting brain but it serves me well. It knows to make me blog and my anxiety level has already decreased...seeping away, almost unnoticed, as I type words. My brain heals me. My thoughts can hurt me, but they choose not to. It's how I will get through the next several months. It will keep me sane when my patience begs to give up and quit trying to make this work.
I know what he learns about himself is completely out of my control. Is that the source of my anxiety today? Or is it related to going to work? I was anxious Wednesday when I was supposed to close. I had ended up going in early (on barely 4 hours of sleep) missing my much needed afternoon nap...the anxiety was so bad, I got a headache and was nauseous. I ended up leaving after 4 hours. I don't like closing shifts now that he is working days. I don't want to go all day without seeing him and then spend just an hour with him before bed. Why? I don't think he's going to do anything while I am work. I really don't. So why?? I just don't know. But that could be the problem today. He's coming home on his lunch break but still the idea of me being at work while he's here...ugh it just makes me crazy. It seems like it needs to be about trust...but it really feels like it isn't. Not about her anyway. maybe just that he will be here alone and like it better....and then I will get home and he won't be here? I don't know. Feels like him getting a job is the same thing. Now he has a source of income...he couldn't leave before...now he can....stupid. Or not? Do I really like my brain?? (it's smart enough to see that it's time to stop writing!!)
Well...the anxiety seems to have subsided so I am going to try to make the most of the day before I head to work....Not leaving early...even if the heart palpitations start ....I will stick it through. It's just 6 hours...I can do it.
I am still so tired. I guess 3 weeks of not sleeping will do that to you. A few times I have had a solid 6 hours when I take an Ambien, but one, I don't want to keep taking them and two, 6 hours isn't enough for me. Guess I just have to be patient with this too.
Today I woke up anxious.
Anxiety sucks.
The peri menopause has given me many days with anxiety with no cause. Obviously now there's reasons to be anxious. I can't separate the two. Is this just hormonal anxiety?
I sit here telling myself I prefer anger to anxiety. But I don't know if that's true. Anxiety certainly feels worse. But anger is detrimental to healing our relationship.
It's day 3 of the month. I want to be optimistic. Anxiety makes that hard. The good news is I am not allowing myself to follow the thought paths the anxiety would like me to. I truly believe he won't contact her. I truly believe he doesn't want to.
We discussed my worries about him discovering he doesn't love me and that the books and therapy will reveal that. He says he hasn't felt that way at all, can't even see how that would happen.
I have decided it is probably best to stop trying to read the books. I wanted to read them so we could discuss them together. I wanted to read them for him. I find them depressing. That makes no sense. They are books designed to help. I think it's because I see him in a new light. It's almost like it was with Marcos (the coworker who killed himself). I didn't see it. Seeing him as someone with low self esteem, someone who is codependent...it's new to me. And I wonder how I missed it. It makes me question his motives. Everything I thought was being done from a place of love...was it really just him being codependent? The need to take care of someone...anyone...it wasn't about loving ME...just about taking care of someone...not ME....I could be anyone...the "love" was about my neediness, not loving me as a person.... He doesn't think so. He hasn't learned much yet. He may learn otherwise.
I now know I am worthy of love for who I am, not just a problem to be fixed. I am kind, caring, loving, smart, funny (I stand by my belief that this is my best quality--he seems to think I think I am funnier than I actually am...but I crack myself up and that's all that really matters!!), and even I suppose attractive. I am even trying to love my brain. I don't want to hate or resent any part of myself anymore. I have decided to embrace my overthinking and applaud it and give it credit for getting me where I am....all this thinking led me to see that I am worthy. This brain taught me how to be strong. This brain was smart enough to shut up that first week and smart enough to start thinking again to keep me from focusing my energy on useless thoughts. It starts to go there...but it stops. It is an exhausting brain but it serves me well. It knows to make me blog and my anxiety level has already decreased...seeping away, almost unnoticed, as I type words. My brain heals me. My thoughts can hurt me, but they choose not to. It's how I will get through the next several months. It will keep me sane when my patience begs to give up and quit trying to make this work.
I know what he learns about himself is completely out of my control. Is that the source of my anxiety today? Or is it related to going to work? I was anxious Wednesday when I was supposed to close. I had ended up going in early (on barely 4 hours of sleep) missing my much needed afternoon nap...the anxiety was so bad, I got a headache and was nauseous. I ended up leaving after 4 hours. I don't like closing shifts now that he is working days. I don't want to go all day without seeing him and then spend just an hour with him before bed. Why? I don't think he's going to do anything while I am work. I really don't. So why?? I just don't know. But that could be the problem today. He's coming home on his lunch break but still the idea of me being at work while he's here...ugh it just makes me crazy. It seems like it needs to be about trust...but it really feels like it isn't. Not about her anyway. maybe just that he will be here alone and like it better....and then I will get home and he won't be here? I don't know. Feels like him getting a job is the same thing. Now he has a source of income...he couldn't leave before...now he can....stupid. Or not? Do I really like my brain?? (it's smart enough to see that it's time to stop writing!!)
Well...the anxiety seems to have subsided so I am going to try to make the most of the day before I head to work....Not leaving early...even if the heart palpitations start ....I will stick it through. It's just 6 hours...I can do it.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
More smiles, less tears
It's a new month. And today I feel really good. I woke up at 3:30, probably awake for an hour but not with any bad thoughts. He woke up to pee and said "I am so sorry I hurt you". The past 2 days he's finally gotten it. On Halloween we had another conversation about him not hurting. I flat out told him "I love you" means, literally, nothing to me. He said that how many times...while telling her the same thing. Those words mean nothing. I suppose ALL words mean nothing. But if I have to hear words, the words I want to hear are "I am sorry". I think this time he gets it. I don't think I really said anything new, other than that "I love you" hurts more than helps. But he gets it this time. In my heart I know he loves me. I don't need to hear that. In my heart I am still not so sure he hurts like I do. The past 2 days have been different. Watching TV and a storyline is about an affair...he says he's sorry....he understands that that's where my head goes--and his does too. Now I know. Before it felt like he was oblivious. He hid it or it wasn't there. When he speaks, I know. I suppose he could just be saying what he now knows I want to hear, but it's still a helluva lot better than hearing nothing.
Over the weekend the song I Can't Make You Love Me popped in my head. We were in bed and it started a stream of tears. It made me feel helpless. And the truth is none of us can make anyone do anything...including love us. He either loves me or he doesn't. Right now I know he THINKS he does, but I am still so scared that through therapy he may realize he doesn't. And I can't do anything about that. He either does or he doesn't. I can't love him so much that that will make him love me. Once again...I have no control. That's kinda the way love is, right? It isn't something controlled.
I keep thinking about the song he shared with her I Want To Know What Love Is. Does he yet? Does he know what love is? I do. I loved everything about him. Every single thing. Of course now I don't....I don't love whatever made him do this. I hope it turns out to be a self esteem thing, a mid life crisis. Something solveable. Not that he doesn't love me. Can I hurt more? I think I can't. But that's because I have the hope that we can get through this. But if he doesn't love me? Well....that's it. And that will hurt worse. All new questions will arise...did he ever love me...when did he stop loving me...I suppose it's pointless to go down that road right now.
He's been forcing me to look into his eyes while he apologizes...I see what I have always seen. Love. I see sorrow for what he has done to us. But I saw that love while he texted another--I saw that sorrow during the fight (when he admitted he lied to me on the cruise about his 2nd panic attack) when he couldn't tell me he wanted to make our marriage work. What was that sorrow then? That he WANTED to leave...or that he didn't know how to stop the affair or ...god knows what
He still can't answer the when. I feel like he should know whether he loved her while we celebrated our anniversary. Wouldn't you remember feeling like the biggest hypocrite and piece of shit celebrating our love while telling another woman you loved her? He's "pretty sure" it was still just friends then. I am pretty sure I'd like him to really figure it out. Does it matter now? He claims he was thinking of ways to re propose..possibly on our anniversary..wouldn't he know if he was loving another woman while planning this? He claims he even thought of doing it on the cruise....was that before he loved another woman or while he loved her? Why would he want to do that while with her? He claims he decided our 20th would be a better time...so he was planning on being here in 4 years while loving her? (Or was that BEFORE he loved her?) Does that mean anything? Does that mean he was just lying to her? Did he really never want to leave? Does he even know? Will he ever figure it out?
I want to believe him so badly. I guess I don't trust that he isn't lying to himself. He's making me believe that he believes it...I see the love, I feel the love...I feel the regret. But...is he lying to himself, thinking he's telling me the truth?
I can't make him love me. I can't make him be truthful--to me or himself. I can't make him do anything. I hope his therapist can. Or the self help books. Something.
When he apologizes he does it while trashing himself. I told him that's not what I want. I want to hear the sorry's and I want the truth...if that's what he's thinking then yes tell me...but I don't WANT him to feel that way. The path to our happiness is him learning to love himself (if it turns out to be a self esteem thing) Trash talking himself is not going to fix this. I try to get him to see the difference between what he DID and who he IS. He did something bad that doesn't mean he IS bad. I want the truth of him thinking that, if he is but I want him to see that it isn't healthy and work on finding a way to stop thinking that. He can stop thinking he is bad and still feel sorry about what he did.
I had our love story written. It was a story of fate bringing together two soulmates and them having a long, happy, perfect life together. Sure there were tiny obstacles to overcome together but it was never about questioning their love and loyalty to each other. My story didn't include ever loving anyone else. It was always just the two of us. It wasn't written in stone, it wasn't written anywhere other than my heart and head. The story has changed but that doesn't mean the ending can't be the same. I have to accept that it is unwritten. I can't predict the path to that happy ending. I can't will it to be. It will unfold slowly and I must be patient. The happy ending I want is worth the wait and although I can't control it or make it happen, it's ok to stick around and see if it will materialize. All I can do is have faith.
Did you catch the subtle references to songs? I wasn't even trying...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten" George Michael "Faith" What would life be like without songs? They pick us up, they let us cry with them and they make us dance when we need to forget it all.
Today I choose to dance. Life is short. This is hard, but my family has something much worse going on right now...an aunt just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, tumors throughout her whole body. I may hurt, but I will live. I choose to embrace life and with the start of a new month, I want to focus on living and loving and singing and dancing. I know I will have setbacks but today I choose optimism that the future will bring more smiles and less tears!
Over the weekend the song I Can't Make You Love Me popped in my head. We were in bed and it started a stream of tears. It made me feel helpless. And the truth is none of us can make anyone do anything...including love us. He either loves me or he doesn't. Right now I know he THINKS he does, but I am still so scared that through therapy he may realize he doesn't. And I can't do anything about that. He either does or he doesn't. I can't love him so much that that will make him love me. Once again...I have no control. That's kinda the way love is, right? It isn't something controlled.
I keep thinking about the song he shared with her I Want To Know What Love Is. Does he yet? Does he know what love is? I do. I loved everything about him. Every single thing. Of course now I don't....I don't love whatever made him do this. I hope it turns out to be a self esteem thing, a mid life crisis. Something solveable. Not that he doesn't love me. Can I hurt more? I think I can't. But that's because I have the hope that we can get through this. But if he doesn't love me? Well....that's it. And that will hurt worse. All new questions will arise...did he ever love me...when did he stop loving me...I suppose it's pointless to go down that road right now.
He's been forcing me to look into his eyes while he apologizes...I see what I have always seen. Love. I see sorrow for what he has done to us. But I saw that love while he texted another--I saw that sorrow during the fight (when he admitted he lied to me on the cruise about his 2nd panic attack) when he couldn't tell me he wanted to make our marriage work. What was that sorrow then? That he WANTED to leave...or that he didn't know how to stop the affair or ...god knows what
He still can't answer the when. I feel like he should know whether he loved her while we celebrated our anniversary. Wouldn't you remember feeling like the biggest hypocrite and piece of shit celebrating our love while telling another woman you loved her? He's "pretty sure" it was still just friends then. I am pretty sure I'd like him to really figure it out. Does it matter now? He claims he was thinking of ways to re propose..possibly on our anniversary..wouldn't he know if he was loving another woman while planning this? He claims he even thought of doing it on the cruise....was that before he loved another woman or while he loved her? Why would he want to do that while with her? He claims he decided our 20th would be a better time...so he was planning on being here in 4 years while loving her? (Or was that BEFORE he loved her?) Does that mean anything? Does that mean he was just lying to her? Did he really never want to leave? Does he even know? Will he ever figure it out?
I want to believe him so badly. I guess I don't trust that he isn't lying to himself. He's making me believe that he believes it...I see the love, I feel the love...I feel the regret. But...is he lying to himself, thinking he's telling me the truth?
I can't make him love me. I can't make him be truthful--to me or himself. I can't make him do anything. I hope his therapist can. Or the self help books. Something.
When he apologizes he does it while trashing himself. I told him that's not what I want. I want to hear the sorry's and I want the truth...if that's what he's thinking then yes tell me...but I don't WANT him to feel that way. The path to our happiness is him learning to love himself (if it turns out to be a self esteem thing) Trash talking himself is not going to fix this. I try to get him to see the difference between what he DID and who he IS. He did something bad that doesn't mean he IS bad. I want the truth of him thinking that, if he is but I want him to see that it isn't healthy and work on finding a way to stop thinking that. He can stop thinking he is bad and still feel sorry about what he did.
I had our love story written. It was a story of fate bringing together two soulmates and them having a long, happy, perfect life together. Sure there were tiny obstacles to overcome together but it was never about questioning their love and loyalty to each other. My story didn't include ever loving anyone else. It was always just the two of us. It wasn't written in stone, it wasn't written anywhere other than my heart and head. The story has changed but that doesn't mean the ending can't be the same. I have to accept that it is unwritten. I can't predict the path to that happy ending. I can't will it to be. It will unfold slowly and I must be patient. The happy ending I want is worth the wait and although I can't control it or make it happen, it's ok to stick around and see if it will materialize. All I can do is have faith.
Did you catch the subtle references to songs? I wasn't even trying...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten" George Michael "Faith" What would life be like without songs? They pick us up, they let us cry with them and they make us dance when we need to forget it all.
Today I choose to dance. Life is short. This is hard, but my family has something much worse going on right now...an aunt just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, tumors throughout her whole body. I may hurt, but I will live. I choose to embrace life and with the start of a new month, I want to focus on living and loving and singing and dancing. I know I will have setbacks but today I choose optimism that the future will bring more smiles and less tears!
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