I'm getting older and I don't care!

My birthday is coming up and for the first time in many, many years...I DON'T CARE!

I spent many years claiming to be 29, but then I outgrew it...not by choice, it just became painfully obvious I was lying. Then I clung to 39. But now I proudly proclaim I am going to be 46!

Yes, I have wrinkles. Yes, I have spotted a white hair or two...but I have finally accepted that age is just a number. I may be 10 pounds heavier but I am in better shape physically (and mentally) than I was in my 20's. I feel great. I am happy. So what if I now see 50 in the horizon...big deal!

Getting older used to scare me...hell I thought 40 was old. Now, here in the Coachella Valley, I am surrounded by truly old people. There are so many people in the late 80's, 90's and yes even 100's. We see people in their upper 70's hiking, and sometimes doing it faster than us! I have finally figured out that getting old isn't the problem...being unfit is! We will do everything in our power to be those old hikers!

So when you read about how many miles I have run or how many hours I workout...do not think I am bragging, I am trying to inspire....I want to inspire people to feel the way I do. When you make it a habit, it becomes a part of you. I need to workout the same way I need to sleep or to eat. My body craves it. And the reward is knowing I can do pretty much whatever I want physically. I don't question anything. I know my body won't let me down! Even the most strenuous hike (we did a hike with nearly a 1000 feet elevation gain in less than a mile!) didn't tire me. I know I could hike the Cactus to Clouds Hike...It's roughly an 8 hour hike. The only thing stopping me? My poor sense of direction and inability to follow a fairly decently marked trail and this one is considered not marked well....while I think I could survive lost on the mountain, I have no desire to find out!

While I don't care about revealing my age, I am still in no hurry to get to 50...I am enjoying life too much to want it go by any faster, but when that day comes, I will shout it from the rooftops! "I'M FIFTY!! And I feel great!!)  (knock on wood!)

Justice?

I don't even know where to start. Thankfully this blog is all about rambling, so I can just spout it out and hope it makes some sort of sense.

I hate that I can't express myself as eloquently as some bloggers. I feel like if I could just make people understand my viewpoint better it would influence them. Which is just ridiculous. It's why I share stuff I read..thinking "This, THIS is what will make them understand" because when I say it they don't. But, nope, nothing matters. No one chooses to look past their beliefs and try to see if maybe, just maybe they are being naive (a nice way of saying racist?).

When they are faced with the thought that they are wrong, they change the subject. Everyone has an opinion on what happened in August to Michael Brown. The problem starts with the fact that it is just that...an opinion. NONE of us know what happened. But why focus on that...let's just pull "facts" that the media presents as evidence as to why our opinions are the right ones. FACT: Michael Brown was a criminal, let's ignore that the cop didn't know that. FACT: Michael Brown attacked the cop, let's ignore the photos don't support that statement and there are eyewitness accounts that go both ways, but let's stick with the ones that make our case. FACT: A grand jury isn't supposed to determine guilt or innocence of the cop, but let's just keep stating over and over again that they saw the evidence and they determined a trial wasn't needed, let's ignore that the prosecutor's father was a cop who was shot, let's ignore the lawyers who state the grand jury wasn't handled properly....let's instead focus on the riots.

Let's focus on the riots, instead of the injustice of that boy not getting a trial. Let's forget that nearly ALL grand juries go to trial. Let's keep saying completely ignorant things like "If THEY weren't breaking the law, THEY wouldn't be getting shot" because remember Michael Brown WAS walking in the street and that is illegal! (Don't even bring up those cigars, the cop admitted he knew nothing about that!) Let's pretend that we all follow the letter of the law at all times and if we didn't, we would be completely ok with being shot to death. Let's pretend that people don't get angry. Let's pretend the cop wasn't pissed at how insubordinate this "thug" was being, let's pretend that, in the same situation, a white person wouldn't get angry right back and mouth off to the cop. Let's pretend that that is a justifiable reason for shooting someone 6 or 7 times. Oh wait, you want to go back to the whole "He tried to grab the cop's gun argument"? Ok, let's pretend we should believe the cop...are we really ok with cops being judge and jury and executioner? Are we? Is that because you feel safe, being white? When it starts to become acceptable for them to shoot black kids and they continue getting off scott free, will they start shooting undesirable whites next? Will that be ok, because you aren't white trash? Why are you so ok with cops shooting anyone? Is it because a cop's job is so hard and I just can't understand what it would be like to be in their shoes? Because NO ONE forced them to join the force. They knew the risks and they promise to "protect and serve" not murder when they feel a little threatened. If their go to response it to shoot to kill, they probably shouldn't be allowed to have a gun. Why? Why are you so quick to defend this man you don't know? How are you so sure he isn't a racist cop with a chip on his shoulder? How are you so sure this situation couldn't have been handled better by both sides? Why don't you think at the minimum there should have been a trial?

Well...we were all denied a trial. So now let's focus on the rioters. You do realize the actions of people rioting have nothing to do with the August event? Because it seems a lot of people want to tie them together, almost like because some black people in the community loot and riot that that somehow is evidence that Michael Brown deserved to die. They are NOT related, they have nothing to do with each other. We have no idea if Michael Brown would or would not loot and riot. Stealing some cigars is a far cry from burning a store down. Oh and have you NEVER stolen anything...NEVER? Nothing? You have never jay walked, never sped, never rolled through a stop sign, pissed outside....
Oh and should the looters all be shot to death? Do we no longer need a justice system? Or is just the black people that don't need a justice system? And, hey, you may be right there...it's not like we send white collar criminals to prison for their crimes, and white kids with drug offenses get real lawyers (no offense to public defenders) to get them off easy...because I know you think because prisons are filled with more black people that means they are committing more crimes, it couldn't possibly be that they are just the ones that get sentenced harsher, nope that can't be it ...this is America...we wouldn't do that..

My favorite comeback is the meme about OJ...white people didn't riot after OJ....I see zero connection....zero, between a cop shooting someone and a random person murdering someone. Oh wait is it because both involved interracial crime? Because you do realize had that been any other black man there probably wouldn't have been a trial...either the cops would have coerced a confession or the public defender would have convinced him to plead out...yes I am a bit cynical, but tell me it isn't true? The reasons white people didn't riot is because he was a celebrity, we all accept anything that they do won't be punished. The Lindsay's, the Amanda Bynes, the football stars...none of them have to answer for their crimes and we have no outrage. But you know what WILL cause a white person to riot...a sports team's victory...and then how does the media portray that? Is there talk of the stupidity of trashing your own neighborhood? Does the term animals get thrown around? No, we just kind of laugh it off as the stupidity of white drunk guys.

So now that we are all so sure that justice was done. The Grand jury made the right decision...again forget that there were 9 white jurors and 3 black ones and only 9 votes were needed for a decision...
so everything was done by the books, we should all just shut up, nothing wrong happened in Ferguson. America is as safe for black men as it is for anyone....how many black men have died since that day in August? I don't know, I have seen numbers but I am sure there have been more since then.

The ones that stand out are the Walmart shooting...how do you feel about that one? That guy absolutely should not have been leaning on a toy gun in public! The nerve! How about the 12 year old boy with the airsoft gun at the park...are you sure that your kid wouldn't go to a park after a day playing with friends and wave it around trying to scare people, because kids aren't always known for making the best decisions. I can see my nephew doing it...his famous words at that age, and until at least 15 or 16 were "I didn't know THAT would happen"...he never thought through the consequences of his actions.  Should his immaturity be rewarded with murder? Watch the video....those cops pulled up and killed that kid in seconds...they claim to have yelled drop your weapon three times, there wasn't enough time to yell it more than once at the most. If the 911 operator dropped the ball by failing to inform the cops that the caller said (more than once) that he thought it wasn't a real gun, does that excuse the cops? Do we really want trigger happy cops? I can not imagine how that caller feels...I would not be able to sleep knowing that I was partially responsible for that kid's death. This video caused me to unfriend an uncle, grant it I was on the verge anyway because of all the racist muslim shit he kept posting, but this put me over the edge. He actually wrote "Point an airsoft gun at a cop and see how it ends for you"....Umm that kid did NOT point the gun at a cop and is that really a reason to be shot to death, there's no other way to handle that situation-- a KID with a gun...only way to handle it...shoot him dead. And this was an OPEN CARRY state...cops shouldn't be just shooting anyone with a gun, toy or otherwise....the fucking state ALLOWS people to open carry...do you really believe if this had been a white kid it would have ended the same? I don't see a cop car pulling up to a white neighborhood park and shooting a kid with a gun...but apparently if he did some of you would believe he was completely justified because kids shouldn't be playing with guns...since when? And which guns? Paintball, bb...plastic cowboy guns? On the one hand we should be getting rid of toy guns for kids but on the other hand we should be allowing them to shoot uzi's while on vacation? Which is it? Does anybody listen to the arguments they make?

My secret little dream ..hope...wish...whatever...is that one day white men will have to live under the same circumstance that minorities now live with. One day they will finally grasp that, just possibly, living life as a black child isn't the same. That if they just worked hard enough and stayed on the straight and narrow they could be come successful and not deal with racism. The absurdity of that statement being made by anyone other than a black kid growing up in that environment is so annoying. The stupid video of the black guy telling others to just stop being part of the problem...he IS part of the problem. There have been plenty of affluent black people subjected to discrimination, ask Oprah. Only when racial profiling stops will I find it ok for white people to make claims that it is the fault of the black community. If black people get so many advantages why don't you switch places with them and we will see how far you get. You want the communities to stand together and help the kids make better choices? Have you looked at white communities? I know where I lived in PA, there were plenty of kids doing drugs, dealing drugs (one even died in a drug deal gone wrong) but you know what the difference is? their parents have money, money to bail their asses out and even cover up their crimes so they can still get into college. Hell the white kids can even gang rape and get it all covered up...there's the difference...the justice system protects the white kids, and don't think I think all white kids are exempt, like I said before it's just a small step to white trash (using that term affectionately(sarcasm font) for the poor white kids), cops like to harass them too.

I don't know why I let this get to me so much. It is a very touch subject and I do get very defensive because while there are degrees of racism, I can't stand any form...and when you side with someone's version of events, without knowing anything about either person, and that person's skin is the same color as yours, part of that has to do with race, because you can't tell me you are siding with the cops because cops never lie. In the Michael Brown case, I still stand by my assertion that I don't know what happened and thus why i wanted a trial and no I really don't believe a trial would have found the truth, but it was still the right thing to do. as for that 12 year old boy and that guy in the Walmart...they were murdered, pure and simple and I believe with all my heart it was because they were black.

America isn't the same for everyone, that's a fact not an opinion. And just because you think there is no where better...well 2 (or more) wrongs don't make a right. I won't accept that as an answer, we can do better and burying our heads or distracting ourselves from the real issue won't change that there is a problem.

Oh..one final thought...there was a # trending on twitter #theygunnedmedown. It basically asked people to post what picture they thought the media would use if they were gunned down and then post another pic of themselves. It just makes you wonder...what pics are there of you that would make you look like something other than what you are? There is a picture of me pulling at the sides of my eyes in front of the Korean war memorial...would that go along with my anti racism message? No...would people who don't know me, realize I just have a sick sense of humor? Probably not. does that one picture reflect who I really am? Well, yes and no...I am the type of person who can use humor to make a point, so if you look at it that way but if all you see is a racist photo, then no it  doesn't. My point...we are all human, we do stupid shit and one gangsta photo may not tell the whole picture of who Michael Brown was, just as one instance of stealing cigars may not...just something to think about when you are rushing to judgement.

The art days are over, the art days are over

In science, specifically medicine, if you are taking a drug and have a reaction and then stop the reaction you can assume it was the drug. But to be really sure you need to take the drug again and see if you have the reaction again. Depending on the reaction most people would rather not do this.

I started drawing pets for money and was really stressed. Lost the joy in drawing, as I was afraid I would. But I thought maybe it was just because the response in the beginning was overwhelming, once I had 3 pictures to do, and even though there really wasn't a time frame, I felt there was. It also took me 3 to 4 times longer to draw these pictures. When I was developing a portfolio, I was drawing pics for free, mostly people I worked with. The response was great, I really enjoyed it and it wasn't taking me that long to do. Enter money. The response was still great, but I got some criticisms, and that should be fine (trust me I know it's my issue, Dave would say they weren't even criticisms). But since I already feel like the prices are high, and this is with giving nearly everyone some sort of discount (I think I sold 9 pictures and only 2 were at the website prices) I felt like if I were selling to people I didn't know and charging more, the stress would be even higher. I would be spending even more time with each picture trying to avoid any chance of criticism, wanting each one to be perfect. And obviously if I am spending more time, that's less profit. With the current pricing and the amount of time I spend doing it, I make more money at my "real" job and there's less stress at my real job. So I stopped marketing almost completely.

Time passed, I decided to market for Christmas. I have gotten a couple orders and BOOM the stress is back and I haven't even started drawing yet! So it is obviously related...hence the aforementioned medicine comparison. So, now what?

Dave says just stop. And I think I have to. I have been toying with drawing again before I got the orders. Drawing for myself. But now I don't even want to do that.


I had soooo much fun drawing for my portfolio. But it's obviously quite silly to just draw for free. The supplies aren't cheap. I have thought about doing a pay what you want, but I have a feeling I would end up with hurt feelings--"THAT'S all you think my time is worth??"

I have thought about not doing custom stuff anymore, maybe it wouldn't be so stressful if I just drew stuff and people bought it. Like hummingbirds or palm trees. Then I wouldn't feel like it has to look EXACTLY like a photo. I don't know what I will end up doing but this pet portrait stuff seems to be coming to an end. I don't want to promote myself only to be stressed out....that would defeat the purpose of leaving retail pharmacy!!

This is why I like folding clothes....it is soooo much easier! I don't spend time dwelling over whether I folded them good enough. It's mindless work and that is still what I need. Too many years at a stressful career has left me ambitionless and this time without the stress of that career has left me happy...I want to keep on being happy.

Bonus points if you get the song I was referencing with my post title...of course you don't get anything with your bonus points!! :P

Secrets to happiness

I think I have it narrowed down to why I am so much happier now than I was 2 years ago...

What got me thinking was my incredibly low credit card bill (well low for us...half of what it typically runs). We pay our balance off every month so I have always just figured a budget based on the typical bill and it is NEVER less but very often more. We use the credit card for everything, earning points for gift cards and typically we earn several hundred dollars a year in gift cards (no annual fee, no interest for them...citibank must hate us!). This month it was almost exclusively food, gas and the cell phone bill...no extras...no eating out, no Lowe's (had earned a gift card and did use that), a wee bit at JCP but that was it...

And guess what?!?!? This was one of my happiest months ever....so money does NOT buy happiness and possibly not spending money does--because I was really happy to see that bill!

What were we doing instead of spending money? We were enjoying time together...which brings me to one of the reasons I believe I am happier.

We used to do a lot...every weekend going somewhere...just for the sake of going somewhere...the mall, a restaurant, whatever...and back in PA that meant a lot of time spent traveling to said place, because we weren't near ANYTHING! Always on the go...and when we weren't out...we were watching TV.

We used to watch A LOT of TV. We ---gasp--- don't have a TV in our bedroom anymore! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!? Since we moved to CA, we watch a lot less TV. And since we cancelled cable (now we are using HuluPlus and Amazon Prime) we watch even less. What do we do with all of that time???
Well, it is probably pretty obvious what we do in the bedroom...(sorry if tmi!) but I truly believe a more active sex life can really ramp up the happiness factor in your life!

If you are a facebook friend, you probably have noticed a lot of posts about watching for falling stars...and I don't even post every time we do it (the stars...we are past the sex talk! GEESH!)

We also spend a lot of time outside an hour before sunset, just sitting and relaxing while the parrots are in the grapefruit tree. And we try to get in the pool, nearly every afternoon, when Dave gets home from work. Just to lounge on floaties or float around holding hands or hugging.

So we have been spending A LOT of time outside....in the sun, in the shade, under the stars..whatever! Relaxing...relaxing in nature is so underrated. It is really amazing to just lay on a lounge chair staring into space...seeing the infinite number of stars and realizing how insignificant "problems" are. How meaningless possessions are. Money can't buy that feeling. That beauty. That peace.

They say doing something you love will bring you happiness. I can't speak to that...I won't say I "love" what am I doing...but I can say I do not hate it, I don't feel it is sucking the life out of me, like being a pharmacist did. So I can be satisfied with liking what I do, even if it would be a stretch to say I love it.

Yes, there are tough days, when the hormones make me crazy...or sad or paranoid or bitchy but overall when I stop and just sit...I am content, I am happy and where I want to be.

So to sum it up....I believe I am happier due to focusing less on material things (including TV shows) and more on the beauty of life, including nature and the tmi.

It probably doesn't hurt that we eat healthier and exercise together. Because feeling good physically, both inwardly and about your appearance, definitely makes you feel better mentally.

And if you say you don't have time to do so much relaxing and exercising...think about what you ARE doing...if you found out you had a month to live..would the things you do now be as important to you or would you make time to take care of your health for that last month and to relax for that last month?

Fun fact: I don't clean everything in my house every week...it gets cleaned when I feel like cleaning it....and no one has come to arrest me or fine me or tell me what a horrible person that makes me...and if they did I wold probably tell them to suck it...because my happiness is that important to me.

I am glad I have made these discoveries at the half way point in my life (hopefully!) because I am looking forward to many years of living this way. It would have been nice to figure it out sooner, but dwelling on things you can't change is a surefire killer of happiness.

One license down and one to go

The end of September will mark the end of my pharmacist career. My Pennsylvania license expires, it being the first license I obtained it must be maintained (to my knowledge) in order to be able to reciprocate my license to other states (exclusive of California and Florida, which require taking the boards--and that ain't gonna happen!). My Maryland license won't expire until the end of December 2015 but my first and ultimately most important license will expire soon! I am not sure if you can even take the boards without your original license or whether I would need to take pharmacy college credits again. I could look into that before allowing it to lapse but I am 100% certain that NOTHING would ever make me go back...NOTHING!

Sooooo....I went on the site and made my status INACTIVE...this means to reactivate I would need to continue doing CE's and then pay a huge amount of money to reactivate, based on how long it is lapsed. CE's (continuing education, for those that have never had to do them!) suck....they are boring...and usually cost money, I have managed to pay for very few throughout the 22 years I did them.

But that isn't really why I am writing....

Ever since I stopped "being a pharmacist", I have been trying to figure out WHAT NOW?

I fell into pharmacy as a career and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I suppose) because it was such a lucrative career, I never felt I had the option to even consider leaving it.

All of my life I have been creative, artistic and yet intelligent (not to say artistic, creative people aren't intelligent). I was always on the high end of all the testing...not quite good enough for The Gifted Program, as it was called in my school days, but always in the top 90 some percentile for all of the state testing.

Not many people in my family (and I came from a big one, my dad has a billion sisters and brothers and so does my mom) went to college, hell most didn't graduate high school. So you can imagine the pressure put on me to use that brain, not waste it in an artsy, fartsy field.

I can remember way back, as young as 10, wanting to be in fashion or design. I loved "making clothes" out of sheets or blankets or other clothes. I loved Fashion Plates (remember those?). I loved drawing. I wanted a piano desperately and would spend study halls in the music room, teaching myself to read music and fiddling on the keyboards. I also loved reading and math and chemistry. I was pushed towards those things and away from the other areas. My mom is still proud that she convinced me that with a "real" career I could afford to do pursue those other interests on the side. After all art supplies aren't cheap. I am still not convinced her meddling was the right thing to do.

I chose Pharmacy because it was offered at the college where my boyfriend was going. But, they also had an art school...if only. Obviously I am no longer with that boyfriend, he became a doctor, how cute we would have been, doctor and pharmacist. (insert eye roll here)

I can't regret it too much because ultimately it all lead me here. And here is a great place to be...with my soul mate, in my heaven on earth...the desert.

So...here I am. And I don't know what to do. I dabbled with the drawing website. I got some orders, made a wee bit of money, but didn't have an AHA moment. It still didn't feel right.

I now know what Dave has felt like all of these years. Not knowing what he wants to do. I never had to think about that. I was just trapped in my high paying job. Once I left my first husband, it seemed like the only thing to do was keep on being a pharmacist, I never considered stopping. I had a son to raise. I knew that wasn't the time to be pursuing dreams of a 10 year old. I remember I even discussed it with my therapist. I told her about my desire to be in fashion or interior design, two of the biggest things that interested me, when it was time to pursue a career path. Both of which I was dissuaded from. She agreed that rural PA was not the place to pursue those dreams and it was unrealistic with a 3 year old to think of going to NY or LA or wherever would be the best place to succeed. So I tabled the idea.

So this is how he felt...how many feel...wondering what do I want to do...that I can realistically do.

I have toyed with so many ideas and tried some too. But still...nothing feels right.

I have ruled out some. Being a vet tech..ruled that out while volunteering the other day at the animal shelter. It is way too much like pharmacy...I don't want any job where mistakes can hurt or kill. I have zero confidence in my brain anymore...I still blame the hormones for making me stupid.

Do I even NEED to find another career? Can I see myself at Penney's for 10 or 15 years? Other than the annoying "How many credit apps have you gotten, hunh, hunh?" I do enjoy the job. Who knew I didn't hate the retail part? It was the pharmacy part! People just don't bother me like I thought they did. Yes, there are assholes, but I don't know if it's age or what but now I just feel sorry for them. Sorry at how miserable their lives are that they must try to tear others down over stupid shit..wrong prices or coupon conditions or being out of stock or whatever dumbass reason they think it's ok to try to belittle someone. Maybe it's my knowledge that I am not the stupid person they try to treat me as..."just a sales clerk"...arrogant people amuse me rather than anger me....and like I said I feel truly sorry for them. There are plenty of memes about not knowing what is going on in someone's life and to treat people more nicely and maybe I give people too much credit because I pretend these asses may have just gotten word that they or a loved one is dying and that is why their mood is so sour. Probably they are just assholes but then isn't that even sadder? They are so unhappy that their only joy is in trying to bring others to their level...sad. And I don't let them win.

But I digress, as usual.

I think I can be happy without another career. I have started volunteering at the animal shelter and while the medical team didn't seem to be a good fit, petting cats seems to be. how cool is that? They have volunteers who just come in and pet cats....

If I thought up something that didn't require a ton of schooling and could be done here in the desert where there are slim pickings for decent jobs, I would consider it. But so far nothing appeals.

And believe me, I have considered a wide variety of things: pet sitting(which I did think I would like, but the woman I connected with didn't necessarily feel I was right (probably because I have ZERO experience with dogs or cats...volunteering will remedy that, so still a possibility one day), vet tech (nope! see above), teaching at one of the local colleges (not sure I'd like it), Realtor (pretty sure I'd suck), personal trainer (afraid I am too old to start that, plus you need a client base and I suck at networking), pet portraits (not enough drive to get enough business to be able to quit JCP), working at a running store (only one in the area and not sure I mesh with the owner), personal assistant (afraid rich people would get on my nerves) and the list goes on and on....


So that's why I stick with Penney's, I kinda like it. It pays better than some other places. They are ok with my scheduling requests. And I really am not ready to start the application/interview/train somewhere else process again...

I have some book ideas...but have to sit down and actually see if I can write....blogging doesn't count, as I just sit and type...I know I can write better than a rambling mess. I wrote a children's book that really isn't too bad, if I don't say so myself but it is so much more fun to just type and ramble, rather than organize my thoughts.

I wish I could say things feel different now that my license is gone but since I had already decided that there was no going back the relief and joy had already been felt. I still attribute my peace and happiness to knowing it is over...it feels like a different life. A very distant memory or nightmare...only unlike childbirth or a marathon, in which the painful part fades and you only remember the good...I have no good memories of that career. Yes, I met nice people (and my hubby!), yes it supported me in a very comfortable lifestyle but there was never a day I didn't dread the job....even once I got away from corporate pharmacy. Yes, the independent was better on so many levels, but the worry of killing someone remained and that tarnished the pleasure of working with good people and a great boss.

This will be my last "thank God I am not a pharmacist post" and my last "I don't know what to do post"...if I ever write about a career again, it will be if I have an epiphany and figure out what I want to do that I am willing to work towards making a reality. But I may just be content with doing what I am doing because I am happy and that is all that really matters.

What if we talked more about the uncomfortable stuff?

I had a random thought the other night....which I often do, hence my blog title...

This thought prompted by Robin Williams' suicide and the shooting in Ferguson.

What do they have in common?

No one likes to talk about suicide and no one likes to talk about racial issues.

What if we DID talk more openly, without accusations, without shaming, WITH honesty about everything...race, sex, mental health, child molestation....everything?

What if we all admitted that none of us can know what it is like to be in someone else's shoes...we all have completely separate, legitimate interpretations of life. I don't know what it's like to be black, you don't know what it's like to grow up red headed, you don't know what depression or suicidal thoughts feel like...we could LISTEN to those people with those experiences and believe how they feel, not try to accuse them of overreacting or being dramatic.

Why can't white people admit that life IS different for black people? Is it because to admit that will somehow make you responsible for that fact? If you deny it then you feel no obligation to do anything to change it... Do we really think slavery was outlawed, the civil rights movement came along and now everything is better? Do you really, really believe that a white man walking down the street gets treated the same way as a black man? This isn't about ONE instance in one town. Why do you need to argue that facts aren't in? The black guy was coming after the cop...the black guy was a thief...the black guy did this....why can you not admit that any random black person in America, on any given day, is treated differently than a white person? That is a fact. It has nothing to do with economic background..ask Oprah...ask black lawyers, black doctors...try being black for a day...you will not be treated the same.

So when a black kid is shot, why do we rush to frame it so that it was justified? Why are we so quick to assume guilt, when our justice system is supposed to built on the presumption of innocence. Why are we so quick to accept a black man being killed over cigar theft but so slow to have outrage at a white man robbing millions of their nest eggs?

I recently watched a video on facebook about the secret tool in marketing....I tried to find it to link it here but can't think of enough words to google it....anyway....the big secret was YOU! She basically said if we, the consumer, didn't stick our head in the sand, all of the marketing strategies in the world would fail. She discussed how they make meat sound healthy by saying "farm raised", even though there isn't a farm involved, how they make it ok to feed animals antibiotics by saying "We are using the latest advances in veterinary medicine" but none of that would work if we didn't turn a blind eye to what we know goes on...the overcrowding in factory pens, not farms, the unknown effect of using these antibiotics....we don't want to know, because it makes us UNCOMFORTABLE. So we make stuff up to justify our continued ignorance. We won't accept our part in the problem.

What else makes us uncomfortable? Child molestation...do you know what could help stop this? How about the Catholic church stepping up with some real solutions? How about priests working it in to their sermons monthly..or maybe right into the CCD program. So kids KNOW it's wrong and the bad priests can't get to them with bribes to keep them quiet...because that is UNCOMFORTABLE!!

Why do people kill themselves? No one has an answer for this but one thing is for sure, it is an uncomfortable topic. A woman my husband works with has a family member who committed suicide, when my husband brought Robin Williams up, everyone hushed him, whispering about protecting her. I am pretty sure that she was already thinking about it, maybe even wanting a sympathetic ear...and if not she can ask for it to not be discussed but treating her differently because you are uncomfortable isn't helping anyone.

We ask people every day "How are you?" and we all know that the "right" answer is to say anything positive, no one wants to hear "I'm not doing good, can you help?" That would be uncomfortable. But, what if it weren't? What if we made it ok to be honest? We have campaigns to help girls feel ok about their bodies, we have campaigns to help homosexuals realize they are ok just the way they are...why can't we make it ok to say "I need help, I am (insert emotion here)"?

None of us like to be uncomfortable...and that's bad enough. to avoid issues...but when we get to the point where issues are brought to the forefront and we actively deny truths or look for ways to make the wrong seem right....that's going too far.

One treatment for phobias is to slowly participate in what you are afraid of....afraid of riding in an elevator, start out just looking at a photo of one...then go look at a real one...then step into one....then ride one....

I challenge you to start thinking about what makes you uncomfortable and then start talking about it and maybe someday we can have national discussions on these topics and start finding solutions.

I can dream, right?

Forgiving Family

I am going to guess most of you won't agree with me on this but, hey, it's how I feel, right or wrong.

I was talking with my mother about the whole Robin Williams thing. I try to talk to her once a week. She rarely brings up my sister, ever since we stopped talking a little over a year ago. But yesterday she mentioned that Robin's suicide is hitting my sister hard. I said this didn't surprise me.

Many blogs about his death that were written by people who have been there echo the same sentiments. I wrote a blog about my voices that was prompted by his death (which I published but didn't promote for reasons still unclear to me!). It just brings to the surface that we (those who have been there) are all susceptible to surrendering to that voice telling us suicide is the only solution. It can be terrifying. It can trigger a relapse if you were feeling good and who knows what it would do if you weren't.

I am trying not to read into why my mom brought it up. Was she subtly hinting that it was time to bury the hatchet? The same phone call she also mentioned my two aunts that still aren't speaking.

So, whether intended or not, she got me thinking again. Will I ever speak to my sister again? Do I WANT to?

Here's the part you may disagree with. I don't believe that just because someone is family they need to be in my life. A toxic person is a toxic person. I did not turn my back on her. She threw me out of her life. She has made some half ass attempts to mend the fence. She still refuses to acknowledge the real reason that she got mad at me. She still clings to the excuse that it was because I said I would call her when I landed in Palm Springs. I said this at 3 am when she dropped me off at the airport...which she acts like it was a favor....she was paid 50 bucks...that's not a favor. If I said I would call, which I don't recall saying, even if I didn't call (I had just travelled all day on minimal sleep--could you cut me some slack?)...is that a reason to unfriend me on facebook, send me a nasty message when I question why I was unfriended? Is that how you treat family?

She doesn't "like" me. I am sure she loves me. I am family...you have to love family, right? Well, you don't have to like them and she does NOT like me. She doesn't like my sarcasm or my choice to move to the other side of the country. We are different. Her idea of a good time is getting smashed every weekend, hanging out at a bar. She's in her forties. I am passed that stage. We have only one common interest...Rick Springfield. We had a great time on the cruises we went on, but still we were different even then...she gravitates towards different personalities than I do. We don't "hang" in the same social circles.We have different parenting styles. We would not be friends if we weren't related.

I could live with the differences. I could accept it and say.."Hey we are family, it doesn't matter" But there's more...she is one of those "toxic" people. She is filled with negativity and focuses on the bad in her life, not the good. I would spend every day(literally EVERY day for years) on the phone with her for an hour, sometimes more, listening to her bitch about her ex-husband, her kids, her job, whatever...always bitching. To make matters worse, if I tried to suggest solutions, I would get shot down. Or if I pointed out perhaps she was wrong in a situation...I would get the cold shoulder for days.

She has been diagnosed as BiPolar. She half ass takes pills, refuses to find a good doctor...claiming money issues or time issues or that there aren't any good doctors...yet spends tons of money on stupid shit and finds time for other things she deems important. and has tried at most three doctors over 20 years. Her mental health not being one of those things she finds important.

At what point am I allowed to say "enough is enough" without being a villain?

Remember I never said it, I never abandoned her, as mentally exhausting as she was...she threw me out of her life.

I have had a wonderfully peaceful year...filled sometimes with my own demon thoughts, thoughts that respond to negativity. They prosper when fueled by others anger and bitching. Because I haven't had those daily bitchfest calls, I have been much happier this past year. Do I really WANT that back in my life? No, I am sorry, I don't. Does that make me a bad person? Probably last weekend the voices would have said yes...but today I say no. Does it make me selfish? Probably. But when it comes to my mental health, I need to do what's best for me. PERIOD.

And so, while I am sorry that she is bummed about Robin's death and I understand our sour relationship may be going through her mind, as it did mine...I can not help her. She has many others in her life who can, I just can't.

Those damn voices

Robin Williams' suicide really filled up the facebook feeds...there were some really good videos trying to show what depression feels like. I really liked the cartoon one about the black dog. There was the one with the black kid with the moustache who talked really fast. I would put links here but I am sure you have seen them. They are both on upworthy if you want to look them up.

They do a good job of explaining depression. But I don't think depression is the only reason for suicide. I think sometimes your brain chemicals can get screwed up and it doesn't necessarily feel like depression but still wears your brain out dealing with the thoughts.

I have been depressed, I have been suicidal and I have been what I am now and it's neither. I blame it all on the peri menopause but to be fair, lately some of the blame belongs on low self esteem. Ever since it took the blow back in February with the email I inadvertently discovered, the somewhat innocent and yet oh so powerful email. My self esteem had been on a roller coaster ride.

I am happy. I am not depressed. I have been there, I know what it feels like.

This comes out of nowhere, so I tend to blame the hormones, because just as quickly as it comes, it goes. Sometimes not quick enough and it exhausts me. It makes me ponder crazy ideas. Not suicide...not yet. But I do worry that one day that may seem like a solution. I am hopeful it won't creep up on me, that I will see it coming and take the right steps to stop it.

My real worry is that this isn't hormones, that it is the beginning of something I won't be able to handle on my own. That the lessons learned in therapy won't cut it. I refuse to go on any medication again because that doesn't cure it, it only brings different problems. I have considered therapy again. I don't think I am at that point yet. I worry about schizophrenia or just being plain crazy.

And then I use these worries to justify the crazy ideas. Ideas like not burdening my husband with a mentally ill wife. He already had to deal with my crazy when he met me and for many years after while I sought help. I don't want him to go through that again. I considered being homeless...just leaving...but with my ATM card, so I would have food to eat...I am apparently not THAT crazy yet. But who even thinks about things like that?

Running away won't get me away from me and that is where people get their suicidal ideas. I seriously haven't even considered it. Because I am happy. I really am. But I am also tired. Tired of the voices telling me that I am not good enough, telling me things just to irritate me, telling me not to trust Dave, when he has given me no reason not to.

I told my friends that I have had new voices...ones that speak in Spanish and even a black guy, talking in whatever the politically correct way is to say a black guy sounds....ever since I mentioned it, I haven't heard them... they are just background noise, repeating a phrase or two over and over. I don't know what it is, I plan to pay attention next time and write it down...they don't tell me to do things and they aren't saying violent things...does that make it less crazy?

The other voices are the real problem and they aren't voices in the same way...it isn't someone speaking, it is me. Me telling me things that aggravate me, things I don't believe but get tired of hearing because it wears me down and makes me start to believe. Start to believe that it is really likely that I am going to go crazy, like padded cell crazy and that I should save Dave the heartache and get out now. Telling me I don't deserve him. Telling me I am selfish for leaving pharmacy. Asking if the happiness I feel is worth the price of making him feel the stress of being the provider now. Telling me I am not a good person. Telling me I don't like me.

This goes on for days and then boom it's done. Like the black dog video says....it's just gone. And I am free. Free to be happy, free to remind myself that none of it is true. Free to think only a crazy person contemplates being homeless....

So I can understand Robin Williams' death. People can't comprehend someone with so much to live for taking their own life. I don't pretend to know what his mind was thinking. I don't know if he was depressed. All I know is I understand why sometimes the only solution to end the voices is to end your life. It is a drastic measure and maybe he did a good job hiding the struggle before hand. I know I hate to burden people with my stuff. Mainly because people tend to downplay what you say. They don't say the "right things". They even laugh, a nervous laugh, an uncomfortable laugh, but a laugh nonetheless....it is awkward and uncomfortable and so you keep it to yourself waiting for the light to come back and bring you out of the darkness...it always does, but then I guess it doesn't for everyone.

We put statuses up trying to reach out, providing phone numbers and websites, but honestly, that isn't what is needed....I think once you get to that point you can't reach out for help...you need someone to reach out to you...if you know someone that has ever been even remotely close to suicidal, you need to be diligent in questioning them. Even when they seem happy, seem like they are coping.

We tend to think it's too personal to ask those type of questions...but I think it may be the only true solution.

Many will read this and think "She is oversharing. This is too personal" and THAT is the problem. It makes you uncomfortable to know I feel this way. It makes YOU uncomfortable to ask how someone feels, you don't want to know that they aren't all right...that puts a burden on you, a responsibility for their welfare. Or maybe you are just afraid they will feel you are intruding and get mad...if they really need help, they won't...and if they don't need help they are probably, mentally, in the right place to know you are coming from a place of caring and appreciate your concern.

I still haven't even decided if I will hit the "publish" button or just "save"...because even though I don't think many read this, I know reading it may change how you think of me, but is that a bad thing? For you to know I am human, that I hurt myself with these thoughts, that I am not always the confident, competent person you believe me to be.

Is today a day when I believe that what you think of me isn't as important as what I think of myself? Because if it is... you will be reading this...

In a week I wouldn't be able to write this, because the darkness will have passed...the black dog gone..and the memory of these thoughts will be pushed so far back, I won't be able to be this blunt and open, I will not only be happy but have trouble remembering when I doubted if I really ever was happy.

I am not depressed...I am probably not even crazy....I definitely have "issues" but at the moment I have got them under control.

I have already come so far out of the darkness this time that I don't even worry that the next time I won't...this morning I wouldn't have been able to write that...it is a worry I get during these "spells', a worry that this time will be the time I am forever crazy. Tonight I believe it was, once again, just hormones...I don't think I don't deserve Dave, I believe it's ok to not be a pharmacist and I know I have a good heart and am a good person. And I can feel this way even though tomorrow is the day my son goes back East....so THAT could have caused a depression but instead I am overall happy, with just a touch of sadness, knowing I will miss him but see him again soon.

You think you don't matter? Think again

This blog is in remembrance of Marcos.

I met Marcos in November at work. I was new and it was apparent he didn't like me. My first impression: good looking kid, kind of cocky. I later discovered he was concerned that I would take his job or be trained first or something equally silly to me but important to him. He was so downright rude that a supervisor actually had to tell him to be nice to me. After working with him a few shifts, I got him to see that I wasn't so bad. We talked about the horrible repetitive music, which he would belt out loud when he was in his up moods. I figured out early on that he had "moods". I chalked it up to just his age. He was around 23.  Maybe he was crabby after being out late drinking and not getting enough sleep, I didn't know and I didn't ask. Or if I did it was in the smart ass way he talked to others...what's up your ass?

We has some similar interests. He liked to work out but sporadically. Sometimes smoking got in the way, he said he had some health issues but didn't elaborate a whole lot, asthma type stuff. I would get on him about choosing the healthy way. He knew he had a drinking problem. He at one point gave it up. Keep in my mind I only knew him about 4 months, so he was on/off again in a short time. He was intelligent. He was good looking and he seemed to know how to have a good time. He didn't seem to take life too seriously, laid back. He just seemed like a normal kid with a shitty home life, who in different circumstances could have gone to college or trade school or whatever, but didn't have anyone giving him direction.

He could be in a really upbeat, goofy mood... except on those days when he wasn't. Then he was dark. The fun, lighter side gone, if you didn't know him he would look like someone else. He might come to work late, either by mistake, misreading his schedule, or just making his own hours. He wasn't that reliable. He seemed like he wanted to be a hard worker and thought that he was. He would brag about how competent he was. He really had an air of confidence about him. When he would realize his errors, whether being late or whatever...he would get very frustrated. He was very hard to talk to then. He would bang his hand against his head, even his head against the wall. He would call himself stupid and worry about being fired. He was inconsolable. I would tell him not to get so upset that it would be ok and to try to write his schedule down or to talk to a supervisor and let them know his concerns. But he wasn't really listening, he was caught up with his thoughts. I should have known what those thoughts were, that he was belittling himself, I have been there...making mountains of mole hills, being worried over things no one else could even see. But his confidence threw me.

I have been told that I seem independent and self sufficient and confident. I am not. Not always. I should have guessed he could be like me. I was fooled by his arrogance.

We really started to get along near the end. He could tell I wasn't your typical uptight middle aged broad, I would laugh at his off color jokes, listen to his interpretations of song lyrics, with genuine interest. I really felt we were getting along. I helped him with a project he was given once. To re do the pillow wall....we ended up pillow fighting. He shared with me some personal stuff about his relationship with his girlfriend. Questioning her jealousy. Things he said could have alerted me to the fact that he didn't feel worthy of her but I thought he was trying to get me to compliment him, which I did. I told him when a girl dates a good looking guy she is going to think other women are interested in him. That girls his age are really insecure, that he needed to let her talk and just reassure her that she was who he wanted to be with.

I don't know much more than that about his relationship. There was talk that she had broke up with him that night in late March. His last facebook posts are so haunting. One references that the only thing worse than drinking alone, is doing it in a bar, that you hate, with a crowded pool table, he tagged it with "feeling like the band's good though"...humorous even when down...like so many who cry out. Two friends commented. One knew he really needed help, he tried to get him to message him. His final post was simply "Bye guys"...that same friend still wanting to help.."message me"...sounding urgent in retrospect. He then, apparently, walked out of that bar and in front of a truck. Reports are he didn't die right away. And what I see is that face, late for work, saying "I am so stupid"...realizing the finality of this last impulsive move. He was so young. He had a good heart, he just needed help.

I think of him often. Songs that he sang will come on and I see him there, in the store, singing. with that smile, so full of life. Stocking the pillows I will remember our girlfriend conversation and wonder what went wrong. I see young guys on the street who look like him and boom there he is in my head making me wonder the what if's, the could I have made a difference by sharing my depression.
I still shed tears for him.

He quit a few weeks before his death but he had come into the store after that and I made it a point to tell him that I missed him. He laughed it off. But I persisted, I told him I knew he didn't believe me but that I really liked him and missed his wit. I asked a coworker to back me up, that I was just saying the same thing earlier that week...and she did. But still he doubted. Because he wasn't the confident, cocky kid I thought he was. He was insecure and just wanted to be accepted for who he was. Like all of us.

How many people do you interact with every day that you misread?
Especially in retail...are you irritated when a sales clerk isn't bubbly and friendly, do you ever think maybe there's a reason and not to give them a hard time but maybe shower them with kindness? Even the clerk who IS smiling at you...is it a real smile, what's behind that smile? Can't we all just be kinder to each other?

I take some comfort in knowing my last words to him were kind ones. I am so glad we ended on a high note, not on one of his dark days.

I don't know that I will ever have the answer to why, why this one person's death has touched me so personally. I can speculate. I am in such a good place in my life right now, hormones be damned, stupid trust issue with Dave still  a work in progress...but I am happy. And I know how happy I am because I want to live as long as I possibly can, and it wasn't always that way. Perhaps I see in him what could have been...had I ever been at the wrong place, at the wrong time when my suicidal thoughts peaked. It only takes one incident that is irreversible to take the chance of being finally happy away forever. In an instant, it can all be gone. I feel bad for people who don't want to live to be 100...can they say they are truly happy? It isn't a fear of death. Because I know there are unhappy people who want to live forever, too. But that's different. There are those who think "Whatever, I have seen enough, done enough...whenever I go is fine"...not me! I love life now. And I want every single second that I can take. And his death reminds me of what I would have lost have I ever followed through.

My sister is a different place ...she states, with complete believability, that if she were to die today it would be a relief. Of course, this is how she felt over a year ago, since I no longer talk about these things with her I don't know what she feels today. It would frustrate me to no end to have these conversations with her. There was no convincing her that this isn't a normal way of thinking. She seemed to think as long as SHE wasn't killing herself, it was perfectly ok to just want to die. What kind of life is that? To live believing that you would be better off dead? And not want to get treatment to stop thinking that way?

I learned from my therapist that I could not get "enmeshed" with others lives. It is hard when you witness stuff like that. And think you can make a difference. I never was able to get through to her...my sister....separated by only 14 months, so why do I think I could have gotten through to Marcos? An almost stranger. I suppose I couldn't have. But, oh how I hate to feel helpless. Parts of me feel drawn to help people like him, like my sister. That is a big undertaking at my age. A whole lot of schooling. And, selfishly, I fear it could ruin this happiness that I have found, because I really think getting away from the drama in my sister's life has lightened my life.

I wish Marcos knew that people cared...really cared...his life mattered. I can't imagine how his girlfriend feels or that friend that reached out to him that last night...

For those of you that have considered it...consider this...you matter to people that you could never imagine that you matter to...you really do. If we aren't offering help...ask...please ask...we want to help. We will help or we will help you find someone that can.

Rest in Peace Marcos.

Path to your soul mate

I have never believed in soul mates. It seems silly to think of the 6 billion plus people that there is only ONE right person for each of us. But maybe there is. There is certainly the probability that there is at least one person who you can be yourself and be happy with.

But what if, being the instant gratification society that we are, we grab onto the first person who "seems" like the right fit and we miss the opportunity to be with our soul mate. Or maybe you miss being with your soul mate because you were brought up in a family that frowns upon homosexuality. You spend your life looking for a partner of the opposite sex and miss out on your soul mate who is the same sex. Not to mention you are denying your spouse their soul mate because they are in a relationship built on your denial of your true self.

Would you know your soul mate if you saw them? Better yet, would your soul be open to see them. Maybe you are already in a relationship and you deny the feelings because you want to be faithful. But who are you being faithful to?

I was married when I met my soul mate. I denied the feelings I had because they were "wrong". Meeting him made me analyze my marriage closer and see what I wanted, what I needed, what was missing. I tried to get my husband to hear me. I begged him to go to counseling. He didn't think there was a problem. Eventually I decided I was too young to spend the rest of my life living with the mistake I made. Not only should we have never gotten married, we, honestly, should not have even dated. From the beginning I knew he wasn't my type, he basically bullied me into going out with him--all the while he never stopped seeing his girlfriend. He lied from the very start and yet I was so insecure, had such low self esteem, I thought he was my only chance at having a husband and family (and he reinforced that idea by saying almost exactly that). Does HE sound like my soul mate?

Before our big move, I found a diary from that time in my life. I cried reading it. It was so pitiful. We always fought, I was always sad and yet I "loved him sooooo much". It was hard reading it, seeing how what should have been the best years of my life, filled with dating and fun, were spent not feeling good enough for him, wanting him to be sorry for his lies, wanting him to CHANGE into a guy who deserved to be loved unconditionally. It seems really obvious in hindsight but it wasn't then.

From outside of a relationship it is much easier to see when people are trying to hard. I watch it with my sister in all of her relationships. Love shouldn't be such a chore. Yes being married isn't always easy but on the other hand it shouldn't ALWAYS be hard. There should be way more good times than struggles.

But how do you know whether the arguing is too frequent or the differences to big to overcome?
I have been with Dave for nearly 18 years now. The beginning wasn't easy but that was mostly me dealing with the guilt of breaking up my family. Was I doing the right thing for all of us? During this time Dave did all of the loving, I was busy trying to be a "single" mom, working and going to therapy. Swearing off marriage, being suspicious and distrustful because that was how my last relationship was. I loved but with a wall up.

I think of the analogy of trying to fit a square block into a round hole. That was my first marriage...it was never going to work, and both pieces were getting damaged from the constant abuse of trying to jam two things that don't belong together, together. This time we were both round pieces but you can't put the piece in if it's blocked by a wall. I needed to trust him, trust us, to make it work. Luckily I realized it before it was too late. And luckily he was patient enough to wait. Or was it luck? Maybe we are just soul mates meant to be together. Had I never been brave enough to make the decision that my mistake marriage didn't have to be forever...had I never tried to track Dave down (not an easy task because he had switched stores but I was persistent and just in time too...he had just given 2 weeks notice...and I had never learned his last name)....I am not sure I would be here, and by here I don't mean California, I mean anywhere. I wouldn't have had the support to get into counseling and my depression would have gotten worse and I would have never had the happiest years of my life with my soul mate.

So if you are trying constantly and without success to change your partner or to change your expectations of what your relationship is, maybe it's time to think about if you are settling on a someone just so you won't be alone and possibly missing out on that soul mate..who could be a coworker or someone you see everyday at Starbucks or a friend of a friend. Or maybe you are not seeing your soul mate because of outward looks...missing out on true happiness because someone has a bad haircut or doesn't make the best style choices, little things that being in love could change....

I still remember the first time I met Dave. I couldn't look him in the eyes because I was afraid of the way that made me feel. I would try to avoid him so I didn't have that uncomfortable feeling because it was WRONG. But what was really wrong was the horrible relationship I was forcing myself to be in because I thought that was all I deserved. So try not to judge when people end their marriages, you don't know what their relationship was and whether some day you may be in the same position.

Book review Magnificent Vibrations

Ok...so read this review with an open mind....because I know you are going to say well Rick Springfield wrote it and you are ga ga over him so your opinion is worth less than his own mother's. BUT I swear to you this is objective.....

My proof of that is that I did not pre-order a copy---I did not even BUY a copy... I didn't go to any of the numerous book signings nearby, even though one was the same evening as his Walk of Fame ceremony, which I got up at the crack of dawn and drove 2 hours to see, waiting in line all day to ensure a good spot. (Yes, I dragged my husband, yes he is the best, yes I don't deserve him and yes I got a good spot and yes it was all totally worth it!)

No I did not STEAL a copy....I ---wait for it--- borrowed it from the library...and for your information I was on a waiting list to get it....third in line....I waited patiently who knows how long...and then even after I got it, I didn't devour it in the first minutes, I didn't even read it the first day!! So THERE!! I stand by my assertion that this is a completely unbiased review!

You may ask Why? Why didn't I pre-order it? Well you may have already ascertained that I am cheap..errr, I mean, frugal! 18 bucks for a book I will read in 2 -3 hours is just out of the budget these days. My husband tried to convince me to buy it, but I couldn't be budged!
I also had reservations about it...the title seems stupid (still does) and the cover was ridiculous (yes, I judge books by their cover). And the little bit I had heard about it just seemed unoriginal and kind of silly.  Let me try to insert a photo of the cover....

Ughh I forgot about the "sometimes heavenly intervention can put you through hell"---horrid!


THE ACTUAL REVIEW

So we have determined I hated the name and still do. I have no idea what it refers to and it in no way gives you any insight on what the book is about. And that stupid line about heavenly intervention...it makes it seem, I don't know almost mocking itself.

The basic premise is a depressed dude picks up a self help book...there's a phone number written in pencil in the front cover. He calls it...God answers. Then there's that stupid line on the front which makes it seem like it's going to be a comedy. And it just sounds silly. But it only takes me 2-3 hours to read a book, it's free and I am supposed to be a fan, the least I could do was read it.

I was hooked instantly...there's cursing and sex and his style of writing I found easy to read (my husband has started to read it and disagrees, he can't put his finger on it but doesn't seem to like the sentence structures or just the words Rick uses---says he has a hard time following??).

Instead of numbering chapters he uses different fonts to separate chapters and also because some of it is a back story and even farther back story and some from God's point of view. This didn't bother me at all, but I found it unnecessary. Many authors go back and forth between different characters telling the story and I have never found it hard to keep up, but it's his first novel maybe he just wanted to do things his own way. Since I pretty much read it in one sitting, chapter numbers were irrelevant anyway.

Obviously, I don't want to reveal any spoilers, because I know you are going to run right out and buy a copy (we all know I am the only freak using a library!) and yes I know none of you are running anywhere to buy anything...but you really should!). So I will keep it simple. The story is fresh and very appropriate for what the world is going through right now. It is about so much more than some guy getting spiritual guidance from God, in fact, it isn't about that at all. It is about Earth. How we treat it and how we are ruining it. It also isn't religious, in fact it very well may offend church going types. He somewhat mocks religion but at the same time completely believes in a supreme being. It is a funny book and also has suspense. After a billion years of reading I think I can tell where a book is headed...well, I got nervous because there weren't many pages left and I couldn't see how he was going to tie everything up. I did not see the end coming at all. I love anything that isn't cookie cutter and this definitely fits the bill.
I think it would make a great movie, though please don't cast Rick as the main character, I think people would be more likely to see it, if his name isn't attached to it. He still gets a bad (false rap) as a one hit wonder. Let the book stand on it's own merit, and a movie as well. One reviewer stated “This is not the prose of a rock star who decided to try his hand at novel writing, but of a novelist who just happens to be a rock star.” (Variety magazine) I think that is a perfect summation.

So if you like to read and you are up for something a bit different...I don't even know what genre to call it...it isn't really Sci Fi...or comedy or romantic or a thriller....but it has a bit of each. It is just good storytelling...I really liked it and was really surprised that I did. I don't know why I doubted Rick, he did an amazing job with his Autobiography, Late,Late At Night (which was named by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the 25 greatest rock memoirs of all time!)...I really think it was all pre release press...the book just came across as if it would be hokey,  better marketing would have probably made it even more successful. A lot of the press was "What would you do if you had a direct line to God?" but it isn't about that...God didn't connect with him to help him, it's so much more than that. I would have went with "What if God had plans for you and wouldn't fully reveal them..would you blindly follow?" I guess it's kind of touchy about how to hook you without giving away too much. I think it's like movie trailers that only show the funny parts and then you get to the movie and it's actually pretty serious, with a laugh thrown in to lighten the mood. Are you really getting the audience you want?

But, all of that is neither here nor there...luckily I gave the book a chance and I don't regret it. It actually gave me lots to think about which is more than Stephen King and Dean Kootz do.

Just read the damn book and let me know what you think!! I am anxious to see my husband's response when he's done (which will be weeks from now--he just doesn't get into reading like I do!)

To draw or not to draw

It's been a little over 2 months since I started my website Paw Prints By Ann. First of all, I am thinking a website was totally unnecessary. I greatly underestimated the power of a Facebook page. I started the page about the same time. One request has come through the website (and that was from a facebook friend) all of the other requests have been through facebook or co-workers. I have done 9 drawings. That averages out to one a week, not too shabby. In reality it was more like 2 some weeks and none the next. The weeks with two left me feeling a little stressed.

It used to take me 2 or 3 hours to draw a portrait. This is based on when I was doing them for free, to build a portfolio, should I ever take the leap into the real world. So much easier when the person isn't paying for it. If they don't like it? Well they can throw it out, stuff it in a drawer, throw darts at it...whatever they want...but it was FREE, so they can't really complain.

Now it is taking me FOREVER to draw them. I usually can't draw for more than 2 hours at a time, I am not sure why. Partly it's probably my somewhat odd "studio"...sitting on the sofa! Also, I am older now...my vision is really BAD! I have taken to sitting with a light coiled around my neck...even in the daylight! I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make the portrait perfect! And I am my own worst critic. Every portrait I have done, I have hated until the last hour before it is finished. I mean, really hated....like crumple it up and throw it away, send an email saying "Sorry I can't do it!"....the only thing that stops me is the amount of time I have already put in!

I started taking progress pictures, not for the clients. FOR ME! To remind me that I hated the last one at that stage too. I know that it is ME putting the pressure there. I am getting great feedback. Nearly everyone thinks my prices are too low....which with the amount of time I am taking is true. The last two have gotten better, in terms of time management. Now instead of 10 hours, I am down to 5 or 6.

It isn't about the money...whether I make more or less than I make at Penney's is irrelevant. It's supposed to be something I enjoy....and so much of me still does. I really LOVE looking at some of the finished pieces and saying "Hey I did that!"...it's the middle part...where I doubt myself. Hell I can't even bring myself to call me an artist. It's my constant need to compare...to believe if I can't be the best there is no point in doing it at all. I do this with everything....I feel like I am mediocre at a lot of things and great at nothing. Then my wonderful husband reminds me that there are plenty of people who can't do some of the stuff I do and to stop being such a whiner!

The hormones play a big part..as they do with so much of my life right now....when is this peri-menopausal bullshit supposed to end? Last month I had a really bad, bad spell....normally the depression lasts a day or two, I couldn't shake it last month. Dave even lost sleep over worrying about me. The good news is as bad as it got, I never, ever felt suicidal and for that I am grateful. I hope those days stay far, far behind me. But I do worry that as the months progress it could get worse...the spells could last longer or be darker. (Here I go digressing from my original intent, but honestly, it's completely related because my wanting to quit drawing is cyclical, like my hormones...and therein lies the problem--What do I want to do? Not my hormones but ME! and when you are stuck with this hormone shit, you never know when it's real and when it's just the voices (that's how I refer to the hormones---because they tell me all kinds of shit and feed me lies to make me worry or be sad or angry, whatever their mood is)) Did I add enough parentheses? Are you allowed to write so much between parentheses? Where the hell did I leave off?!??

To draw or not draw? I will continue for now, if for no other reason then that I am keeping just busy enough. I know if I get "too busy" I could just raise prices and that would surely slow things down, but that isn't the only issue. I don't know if I am made out for this self employed stuff...there is so much involved...the tax crap, the license crap, the marketing crap...the sure to be disappointed customers...it has to happen...and I can barely handle compliments without questioning my talent (Do I deserve the high praises? Am I really doing anything that great?), I can't imagine if someone hated a portrait I did! I really liked drawing as gifts for people...but I suppose that means continuing to work at Penney's, which I still enjoy...except for the annoying quotas...if they leave me alone about that shit, I could stay there forever..I really am that simple...folding towels and clothes may not be my calling but it is soooo much better than counting pills!

This post isn't written to get compliments from my readers (reader?--hello anyone??) because, no offense but YOU aren't what matters....it's those voices...I have learned from my therapist many years ago, I need to love myself...and well I have come a long, long way but apparently I still have a long, long way to go....hey, hopefully I am only halfway through life, so I've got the time!! :)

I really do like to draw...ok maybe not the drawing part...but the end result...I think I would also like the drawing part better, if I had better tools....I feel like I can never find the perfect colored pencil, and I have about a million colors! I feel like the pencil is never sharpened quite right....that the eraser doesn't erase good enough and I really hate the fixative spray, it has caused me unnecessary anxiety on too many occasions! When I get a great photo, I get really excited because I think THIS will be easier to draw...and honestly it never is...I even thought I could market myself by saying "Hey do you have a shitty photo? I can turn it into a work of art!" Because, really, if you have a great photo, why not just frame that?? (Are those of you who had portraits done now questioning the quality of your photo? Don't, I told you it ends up not really mattering!! I swear!)

So, thanks for reading...I feel a little better writing it out...because I really started this not knowing what the answer was...but now I know, for now I keep drawing... so if you are on the fence about getting a pic don't wait too long....I may be retired before you know it! (I will make an exception for my one faithful reader who is out of the country---I think we can all agree our military families should get special treatment, as thanks for all they sacrifice!)

See---that wasn't too rambly, was it?

What I learned from a year in the desert

So....it flew by. One year living in California. Made it through every season.

What have I learned?

*** I never knew how beautiful a desert could be. Desert....barren, desolate, deserted....no, not at all. I actually prefer to see homes desert landscaped, the way they should be. If you like grass, you shouldn't be living in the desert. Do you know they actually reseed twice a year? There is a winter grass and a summer grass...what a colossal waste of time, money and energy....proper desert landscaping is beautiful. Some desert plants bloom with beautiful colors, cactii come in all shape and sizes, rocks, too. And don't forget the palm trees!! Besides the visual beauty right here at your feet, there are the mountains! We didn't get to see them snow covered for long, or even fully covered...but they are breathtaking. It seems so simplistic...it's just big ass rocks sprinkled with some white stuff, but they are majestic, with or without snow!

We have enjoyed the beauty in so many ways. From hiking, to laying on a floatie during the peak of the heat, to laying under the stars....I can't even pick a favorite. Even running is always pleasant. Yes, even in the heat....the scenery distracts you from any discomfort. We even love the windy season, the sound of the wind is similar to the sound of the ocean...the palm trees making a rhythmic swishing sound which is soothing.

*** It REALLY is a dry heat. But more than that I have learned...the sun is HOT...it doesn't really matter if it's 65 or 105...the sun is HOT! On the flip side...it is chilly without said sun...in the shade it can get reallly cool in the non summer months....even when it's 95...it has been cool in the shade. I have laid under the stars when it was 85 and needed a blanket. We got lucky and had a warm winter. (Sorry East coast friends!).I loved it...everyone else? Not so much!

***You can't judge a neighborhood here like you can in Philly. In Philly it is quite obvious when you are in the "hood". I recently found out that one block off a street I have run on a few times, a couple miles from my house, had a driveby shooting at 2 IN THE AFTERNOON! I have reevaluated where I will be running. There are a few houses scattered here or there that need some TLC, but nothing that screamed "bad neighborhood".

***We thought having the birds in their own "house" outside would mean no more white dust everywhere! Yay, a clean house finally, after 13 years of owning parrots.....welllllll....newsflash...that wind I was talking about....sand, dirt, silt, whatever you want to call it....it's everywhere! Honestly, a small price to pay to be able to leave your windows open. We hate air conditioned air, no need to worry about rain....and the wind makes it cooler. So we sweep...A LOT....and dust as much as we ever did. You would think it can't be good for your lungs but people out here live forever, so how much harm can it do?

***Driving here is a challenge. Because there are so many people who come for just the winter, we get people from everywhere, so there are all these different driving styles. Slow people, fast people, old people, weavers, stay putters...run the light, brake hard on yellow...you just can't guess what the other driver is going to do...and then there is the motorcycle law...stupidest law ever! They can drive BETWEEN cars....like on the line between lanes! I will never get used to a motorcycle just whizzing up between me and a car a few feet next to me! Seems like a really bad idea. There seem to be a lot of pedestrian deaths here too. Many on those motorized scooters...driving is an adventure!

***Coming from a rural area, this place seems like the big city to me. Getting used to neighbors so close...smelling their cigarette smoke while I lounge on my floatie (hell even on my sofa INSIDE!) is taking some getting used to. Listening to dogs at any and all hours of the night...not so fun. Where there's more people, there's more noise and more crime. Yet sometimes it can be surprisingly dark...especially driving. It is crazy how dark it gets. I don't like driving at night, street signs are impossible to see.

***Wildlife...while I personally haven't seen that much...it amazes me that coyotes come into populated areas...and eat your pets if you leave them out! Dave is now learning about all the critters that the heat brings out. He sees lots of lizards at his work (at the airport). I'm ok with lizards....but he has also seen some spiders that I made him stop describing when he started with "It's the size of your hand.." and it hurts like hell if it bites you...and it's very aggressive....but it's not poisonous..oh THAT makes me feel better. Also ..scorpions, apparently they are sometimes seen at homes...and snakes...
So far we have only seen one black widow at our place. My friend has them by the dozens at his place...he also has potted plants and vines, which they love....needless to say I will not be getting either! I have seen an occasional road runner..they are so darn cute, but have yet to hear them "beep beep"! Hummingbirds!! Love them! We don't even have a feeder but they love to come to the grapefruit tree while our parrots are in it!! I could watch them forever! Oh and a mountain lion or bobcat (really is there any difference if it's eating you who cares exactly WHAT kind of cat it is!) was seen at a local golf course...now I don't like to sit in the backyard at night alone....I hear things and think I am being watched!!

*** Unrelated to the desert, I learned I can not work around food....other people just don' follow the guidelines to the tee and I can't deal with that! So I ruled out quite a few jobs with that acquired knowledge!

*** I have learned the wonders of a swamp cooler. Without humidity they are a blessing. Saving us lots of money by not needing to run the AC, that we don't like anyway! We literally ran the AC only a handful of times last summer.

***I learned California is not nearly as expensive as the rest of the country makes it out to be, at least not this part of California....oh wait ..yes it is....stay where you are!! (I have also learned that I like "off season" when there are less people in town! Driving is so much nicer!)

***I have learned to never leave home, ever....without sunglasses and water. I have always taken a bottle of water with me, but in PA, everything was at least 30 minutes a way and my mouth gets dry fast and I just drink a lot of water....here....HERE, You can't even go for a quick trip to anywhere without water. Going to Lowe's for one item, it's only 2 miles from home....doesn't matter...MUST HAVE water!! And I hate wearing sunglasses....hate it...have never found a pair that is comfortable on my ears and nose....doesn't matter...you MUST always have sunglasses. We have the occasional cloudy (by our standards, not east coast standards) day but it is RARE. Just keep a pair of sunglasses everywhere....extra pair in the car, in your purse...never be without...

I hate wearing a fuel belt (that's a fancy term for a fanny pack that holds your water bottle)...I hate the sloshing sound the water makes, hate the way it bounces...so I learned to run routes with parks with water fountains. I can get away with that in the winter (ha ha , it is still so weird to call it winter!!) but now that summer is coming again...I will need to bring water. Even in the winter I need to let the water fountain run for a while if it's not in the shade, my first mouthful of nearly boiling water was loads of fun!! In the summer the fountain never gets better than luke warm. Small prices to pay for the scenery I have when running...and never having to run on a treadmill again.

*** the best thing I have learned is that I can be happy, really, really happy...I still don't know why and I don't really care...but since I have been here nothing can take away the underlying happiness I feel. No job, sucky job, family strife,hormones...nothing, nothing has kept me down. I honestly don't believe it is California...I tend to think it's not being a pharmacist....but like I said --I don't care why...I just really am glad to have found peace and contentment. 

I read The Secret a few years back. I was on the fence about the whole idea. But I figured writing down some "wishes" couldn't hurt. In PA on the fridge my note said "perfect house in California, peaceful, happy life"... is this the perfect house? I don't know, but it is working out really well. We should have bought smaller but we do use a good bit of the house and I really like the birds house. More importantly I believe I have achieved the peaceful, happy life. I could have written stuff about money...some examples in the book people did..and supposedly got the million dollars or whatever number they wrote and focused on. But the book stressed to write what you REALLY want....and money isn't something I felt I needed or wanted deep down, it felt superficial. My true desire has been contentment. And I have it....so it may be time to update my note...but I still don't have a desire to put money on it. I would love to have my son here, but it seems wrong to ask for something that would affect someone else's life even more than mine, if it is meant to be, he will love it here and decide to move...so I keep the note with "happy, peaceful life", I have added "good jobs"...I am trying to think of a way to word it to really define what a "good" job is....because that is so vague. Dave's job has good benefits but mediocre pay and kinda crappy hours...although getting out at 2 pm has it's advantages...maybe I should add something about my website?

There I go again rambling....time to wrap it up....

Bottom line...I learned I like it here...no ...I LOVE it here....if we hit the lottery or inherit tons of cash, we will move to the beach, so Dave can find his bliss, too....but until then this place is just about perfect!!

Again with the glad I left pharmacy post!

So it's nearly 3 am ...which means I will be keeping this short...luck you! ;)

Driving home from work at about 10:10 pm..I was thinking about my choice. My choice to give up pharmacy. There was an ad for a full time pharmacist at CVS on the want ads that I sometimes peruse. Wrong for so many reasons A) CVS -- just another Walgreens clone...one is no better than the other B) full time? HAH I never was able to work full time in pharmacy retail and C) Thank God I am not licensed in California.
But it got me thinking...what IF I had my license. Someone constantly reminds me that I could work one shift and make twice what I make working 8 shifts at my current job. First of all, getting someone to hire you for 1 shift a week just doesn't happen in retail pharmacy anymore...there isn't a shortage, the demand is gone, you do what they want, no more calling the shots...which was the only reason I survived so many years, they constantly kissed my ass. But let's just pretend I could get that job....ONE shift every other week would pay more than 8 shifts in 2 weeks....that's a lot of time off....but guess what? I didn't even hesitate. Not one second of hesitation. THAT is how much I hated being a pharmacist and honestly, I don't even think I knew how much I hated it. I never realized that compromising my beliefs on a regular basis was really hurting me. I felt like a hypocrite every time I filled a cholesterol med or an antidepressant or any brand name drug that was a copycat of an older drug available generically. I did it robotically, so I could distance myself from what I was doing. But it was killing my soul.
I can not imagine ever standing behind that counter again. I have tried. My morbid mind has posed scenarios in which Dave dies and I move back East and do it again...and I die inside just thinking about it. I will never move back there...never say never....well I am saying it...NEVER! That is how much this place feels right. I absolutely love the weather here. I love the beauty here. I used to think of the word desert and think deserted, abandoned, ugly. The desert is beautiful in so many ways. And I love not living in a rural area anymore. I never realized how isolated we were, it seemed peaceful. But I find peace here, watching the palm trees sway, watching the stars at night. And I am not a million miles from restaurants, malls, movie theaters....life!
But more importantly than never moving back...I will never, ever, dispense drugs again. I love folding towels, stocking blenders....it's almost as nice as shoveling goat shit at that little local zoo. There's people interaction, I thought that would be a problem, but it's not. Most people are rather friendly and the jerks, they just don't stick with me like they did when I was a pharmacist. I don't know if it's because their anger is directed at the company, I get "I know why this place isn't doing well...insert stupid dumbass reason here", whereas as a pharmacist it was always personal...like I was the one determining their copay or it was my fault that their doctor hadn't called back on a script I couldn't read. Or maybe it's because I make so little money that I know I could just tell them to fuck off and walk off the job and it wouldn't wreck me financially, whereas as a pharmacist, I would be taking a huge pay cut to just walk off the job. Hell one week out of work would be more than I make in a month now....being out of work wouldn't mean no eating out...it would have been financial devastation!

Oops this was supposed to be short....I was hoping it would make me sleepy...

I just wanted to put it out there that there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing and no doubt I would ever screw up my happy, optimistic new self by going back.

The Problem with Rose Colored Glasses

Sooooo....what happened?

First, let me start by talking about the post I was going to publish just before this happened. I didn't post it because I was afraid the intended purpose wasn't coming across. The intention was to discuss my relationship, and how wonderfully perfect it was to show others that they shouldn't "settle" for just anyone because they might miss out on THE one. My fear was that it just sounded like "I have a great relationship and you don't, nanny nanny boo boo". Which is sooo ironic now.

Because of how great our relationship is, I was getting annoyed with my work schedule, way too much time spent working while Dave was home and anytime I worked a night shift I wouldn't see him at all. I left before he got home and was home after he went to bed. It sucked! And that was NOT part of the plan. I was thinking of quitting so I was going to start looking for a different job. He used a website that he really liked and I couldn't remember the name of it, so, with no reason to believe I shouldn't, I went onto his computer to check his search history to find the site. Yes, you can see where this is going....but I had ZERO belief that I would find anything, it didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how confident I was in our relationship. Never have I ever been so sure of anything....I was positive he felt the exact same about our life as I did....that it was perfect.

So what did I find? I found his gmail account listed in the search history. Only thing is that he told me over a year ago that he hates gmail and that he was going back to hotmail. I knew he had used gmail for Amazon but this being February (past Valentine's day) there wasn't any reason for him to be getting emails about an Amazon order. So I clicked on it...with just a little trepidation, after all this is my soul mate, the perfect man, what could I possibly find?

It was an email thread to someone named Holly. Dave has always worked with women, and there are so many names and I was trying desperately to remember if he had mentioned a Holly (should I be changing her name to protect her privacy? Who gives a fuck, right?) He used initials to refer to his workplace and about now my brain was not working properly as I read the words "I miss you. Why didn't you start working at SE sooner?" (My memory tells me this is the verbatim text, but I had at some point changed it to "I wish you had started" and while that may not seem like a big difference, in my mind "wishing" indicates a sense of longing, whereas the question could be interpreted many ways...and "I miss you" could be harmless... I miss some guys I worked with, I was trying desperately not to overreact or read things into it that weren't there, but unfortunately overreacting is kind of a skill I have developed fully over the years).  Her response? "I miss you, too. I don't know why I didn't start there sooner" Kind of hard to read, right?

First thing I do is call my bestie, to talk me off the ledge. He does a good job...I remember saying "Tell me Dave loves me, tell me he isn't the kind of guy who would hurt me..." And he does, he reassures me there is a perfectly good explanation and that it isn't THAT BAD....yet. He encourages me to keep looking. Looking for proof that everything is fine, neither of us believe he is capable of hurting me. I finally realize what SE stands for and do recall him mentioning her name but not as frequently as others he has worked with...which only makes it seem like there's a reason he doesn't mention her.

So with my limited computer skills I keep looking. It bothers me that he had deleted that message, luckily being in the search history I was able to recover it. Then I found out why Dave hates gmail, reading emails is really bizarre, it's almost like a message board. Trying to figure out the order and who wrote what and when....so confusing. So the good news, looks like just a bunch of stupid chatter about squirrels in the freezer and bacon...and then the comment about whatever happened with her husband...she says they are back together, indicates things are just ok and he uses the same line he used on me, way back a million years ago....something about life being too short to be in an unhappy relationship. That stung. But, in reality the only comment that truly bugs me is the last one...written while he sat 3 feet from me on a Friday night, after having a nice dinner with our friends, then a game of Trivial Pursuit and some drinking. Not 5 minutes after they left, he was on the computer, missing HER, while sitting next to me. That hurts. My BFF doesn't get it, maybe only a woman can understand, or maybe from being cheated on before I am overly sensitive.

This is all happening on a Saturday morning while he's at work and I am due in for a night shift, so i won't see him until Sunday at 2:30 pm. How do I handle it? I have many ideas....from ignoring his phone call, not calling on my break, not leaving a note....just to make him wonder and worry. But I keep digging...and I find he's been on her facebook page recently, checking out photos of her in a bikini....and of course she's pretty....and of course, he has never mentioned that. At this point I am still new to investigative work, which is bad because it just prolongs the agony. I keep thinking of things to look for and subsequently finding more crap in the following days. None of it terribly horrible by itself but as part of the "Who is this man?" question it just keeps making me wonder what else I don't know about him.

So now I know she's pretty and he's been secretly emailing her for who knows how long because most of it has been deleted. I am sick...diarrhea, nausea and shaking. I shower, still intending to go to work but realize there is just no way I can put on act for 7 hours. So I call off. Which may not seem like a big deal, but I have missed 1 or 2 shifts in my 22 years as a pharmacist. I do not take calling off lightly. Now I am mad about that too!

So the waiting begins (are you still here or bored yet? ;) ).....2 long hours until he gets home....now he's 20 mins late, where is he? I call. He's at Lowe's...he can tell that I have been crying, I don't remember what I said but he finally gets home. The rest of the night is a blur. It's funny how our memory works. I have been reading a book about low self esteem and apparently it is common to have memory loss like this when you have a trauma to your self esteem. Somehow he convinces me it was nothing and that he was wrong to keep the emails a secret but they meant nothing and he knew I wouldn't like it, so he was "protecting" me. And all seems well...until he finds me sleeping on the couch because the thought I lying next to him repulses me and part of me wants to smother him. He's nearly late to work when he discovers me on the sofa and we both end up crying as he realizes it may be more serous then he first thought.

He has to work Sunday-- I am home alone...his computer sits there calling me...I figure out how to look at all facebook private messages. I see that she requested his email (because she lost it) way back in July. He responds with the gmail address, you know the account he wasn't using anymore. To me that shows a deliberate intent to deceive. Because, you see, I have all of his passwords, he knows of my trust issues and has always been completely open with me (Yes you may cough and laugh here!).

I don't remember the timeline on everything but over the next couple of days I also discover a book he has started writing (he can't understand why this upsets me when the book is about how he regrets not moving to CA sooner, how his wife is dead(and also mocked her for her bad eating habits--ie it's ME) and a very elaborate description of the amazing woman who shows up at the bank one day and he runs into in the supermarket later). He is actually angry that I am mad over a fictional story, which nearly parallels his life....again I could be overreacting but the fact that he wrote this and never even confided in me that he was writing a book, just one more secret.

I then find an email from his brother asking for money again (from over a year ago) and a follow up email that is extremely nasty and hurtful and hateful towards Dave. The fact he never mentioned this is one thing but I specifically had asked him if he had heard from his brother and jokingly even asked if he had asked for money lately and he blatantly lied about it. So now he doesn't just hide things, he is an outright liar as well. Again this was done to protect me, because I would have just gotten upset over it....he is starting to realize that I may have a point about not really knowing the person I am married to. He is trying to find ways to help me believe him. We begin emails to each other, he opens up and tells me things he hasn't told anyone. I do feel closer but still wonder why it had to take this for him to trust me enough to let me in.

I go through ups and downs over the next few weeks...in the beginning wondering if I am a hypocrite because I am staying in a relationship that is nothing like the one I described in my soulmates post. Am I willing to pretend everything is fine? He still can't explain why he wrote the I miss you, he blames it on drinking too much wine and being sad that he couldn't enjoy the evening fully because he has to go to bed early and get up early. I spend way too much time wondering what emails would have followed had I not "coitus interruptus"...He deleted the gmail account because I was stressing over whether I needed to check it every day to see if he heard from her....did I mention the facebook message I sent her? I had written an amazing email to her (if I don't say so myself!) it was restrained, intelligent but alas too informative, I didn't want her to know how hurt I was so instead I just sent a short and sweet "You have been unfriended by Dave Greene due to inappropriate messages...Sincerely wifey"  She referred to me as "wifey" in their emails and that really bugged me because if you have any intentions of cheating with a person it is much easier if that person's wife doesn't have a name (or so my somewhat pyschotic self tells me makes perfect sense). Needless to say she immediately blocked me. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had gotten my email...geez I mean the message was short and sweet...was this the action of a guilty person? I correspond with a man I worked with, I assume his wife knows (we have all been to dinner together a few times) but if she contacted me like that, I, knowing my emails were NOT inappropriate would feel the need to defend myself. Which is part of the problem... I will never know what may have happened or what she was thinking. And, yes, she is 3000 miles away but as one of my friends can tell you that doesn't stop someone who wants to cheat...

I ultimately realized that I gave my first husband a second chance, even though he cheated on me for EIGHT months at the beginning of our relationship, and lied about it repeatedly, because I had some serious suspicions and questioned him more than once. I even married the ass. Dave has been nothing but loving to me for 18 years, if there's the slightest possibility that this was simply a drunken moment of stupidity, I would be a moron to throw it all away. While I have discovered he isn't, in fact, the perfect man I thought he was, he is still the best man I know and I don't want to give up on us.

I still have bad days, thanks in part to hormones but I am starting to believe that the happiness I believed we had was real. A couple of years ago this would have killed me and us, I would never have gotten over it enough to trust him again and I won't live in a relationship without trust. I am very grateful to the palm trees or the sun or not being a pharmacist, whatever it is that has allowed me to be optimistic and willing to believe in the best outcome. I am sure we have many more happy years ahead of us. The Rose Colored glasses are good for that, but there will be a little place in the back of my head and heart that will stop and wonder "Is this real for both of us? Or is it just ME that is this happy?" Because whatever the reason is, he did sit here, right next to me and "miss" something from someone other than me....and no matter how rosy those glasses are, I just can't completely ignore that, not yet, anyway.

Now do I post the Soulmates post for a reference point, as to how deep my head was buried in the sand? Or...not