Forgiving Family

I am going to guess most of you won't agree with me on this but, hey, it's how I feel, right or wrong.

I was talking with my mother about the whole Robin Williams thing. I try to talk to her once a week. She rarely brings up my sister, ever since we stopped talking a little over a year ago. But yesterday she mentioned that Robin's suicide is hitting my sister hard. I said this didn't surprise me.

Many blogs about his death that were written by people who have been there echo the same sentiments. I wrote a blog about my voices that was prompted by his death (which I published but didn't promote for reasons still unclear to me!). It just brings to the surface that we (those who have been there) are all susceptible to surrendering to that voice telling us suicide is the only solution. It can be terrifying. It can trigger a relapse if you were feeling good and who knows what it would do if you weren't.

I am trying not to read into why my mom brought it up. Was she subtly hinting that it was time to bury the hatchet? The same phone call she also mentioned my two aunts that still aren't speaking.

So, whether intended or not, she got me thinking again. Will I ever speak to my sister again? Do I WANT to?

Here's the part you may disagree with. I don't believe that just because someone is family they need to be in my life. A toxic person is a toxic person. I did not turn my back on her. She threw me out of her life. She has made some half ass attempts to mend the fence. She still refuses to acknowledge the real reason that she got mad at me. She still clings to the excuse that it was because I said I would call her when I landed in Palm Springs. I said this at 3 am when she dropped me off at the airport...which she acts like it was a favor....she was paid 50 bucks...that's not a favor. If I said I would call, which I don't recall saying, even if I didn't call (I had just travelled all day on minimal sleep--could you cut me some slack?)...is that a reason to unfriend me on facebook, send me a nasty message when I question why I was unfriended? Is that how you treat family?

She doesn't "like" me. I am sure she loves me. I am family...you have to love family, right? Well, you don't have to like them and she does NOT like me. She doesn't like my sarcasm or my choice to move to the other side of the country. We are different. Her idea of a good time is getting smashed every weekend, hanging out at a bar. She's in her forties. I am passed that stage. We have only one common interest...Rick Springfield. We had a great time on the cruises we went on, but still we were different even then...she gravitates towards different personalities than I do. We don't "hang" in the same social circles.We have different parenting styles. We would not be friends if we weren't related.

I could live with the differences. I could accept it and say.."Hey we are family, it doesn't matter" But there's more...she is one of those "toxic" people. She is filled with negativity and focuses on the bad in her life, not the good. I would spend every day(literally EVERY day for years) on the phone with her for an hour, sometimes more, listening to her bitch about her ex-husband, her kids, her job, whatever...always bitching. To make matters worse, if I tried to suggest solutions, I would get shot down. Or if I pointed out perhaps she was wrong in a situation...I would get the cold shoulder for days.

She has been diagnosed as BiPolar. She half ass takes pills, refuses to find a good doctor...claiming money issues or time issues or that there aren't any good doctors...yet spends tons of money on stupid shit and finds time for other things she deems important. and has tried at most three doctors over 20 years. Her mental health not being one of those things she finds important.

At what point am I allowed to say "enough is enough" without being a villain?

Remember I never said it, I never abandoned her, as mentally exhausting as she was...she threw me out of her life.

I have had a wonderfully peaceful year...filled sometimes with my own demon thoughts, thoughts that respond to negativity. They prosper when fueled by others anger and bitching. Because I haven't had those daily bitchfest calls, I have been much happier this past year. Do I really WANT that back in my life? No, I am sorry, I don't. Does that make me a bad person? Probably last weekend the voices would have said yes...but today I say no. Does it make me selfish? Probably. But when it comes to my mental health, I need to do what's best for me. PERIOD.

And so, while I am sorry that she is bummed about Robin's death and I understand our sour relationship may be going through her mind, as it did mine...I can not help her. She has many others in her life who can, I just can't.