Path to your soul mate

I have never believed in soul mates. It seems silly to think of the 6 billion plus people that there is only ONE right person for each of us. But maybe there is. There is certainly the probability that there is at least one person who you can be yourself and be happy with.

But what if, being the instant gratification society that we are, we grab onto the first person who "seems" like the right fit and we miss the opportunity to be with our soul mate. Or maybe you miss being with your soul mate because you were brought up in a family that frowns upon homosexuality. You spend your life looking for a partner of the opposite sex and miss out on your soul mate who is the same sex. Not to mention you are denying your spouse their soul mate because they are in a relationship built on your denial of your true self.

Would you know your soul mate if you saw them? Better yet, would your soul be open to see them. Maybe you are already in a relationship and you deny the feelings because you want to be faithful. But who are you being faithful to?

I was married when I met my soul mate. I denied the feelings I had because they were "wrong". Meeting him made me analyze my marriage closer and see what I wanted, what I needed, what was missing. I tried to get my husband to hear me. I begged him to go to counseling. He didn't think there was a problem. Eventually I decided I was too young to spend the rest of my life living with the mistake I made. Not only should we have never gotten married, we, honestly, should not have even dated. From the beginning I knew he wasn't my type, he basically bullied me into going out with him--all the while he never stopped seeing his girlfriend. He lied from the very start and yet I was so insecure, had such low self esteem, I thought he was my only chance at having a husband and family (and he reinforced that idea by saying almost exactly that). Does HE sound like my soul mate?

Before our big move, I found a diary from that time in my life. I cried reading it. It was so pitiful. We always fought, I was always sad and yet I "loved him sooooo much". It was hard reading it, seeing how what should have been the best years of my life, filled with dating and fun, were spent not feeling good enough for him, wanting him to be sorry for his lies, wanting him to CHANGE into a guy who deserved to be loved unconditionally. It seems really obvious in hindsight but it wasn't then.

From outside of a relationship it is much easier to see when people are trying to hard. I watch it with my sister in all of her relationships. Love shouldn't be such a chore. Yes being married isn't always easy but on the other hand it shouldn't ALWAYS be hard. There should be way more good times than struggles.

But how do you know whether the arguing is too frequent or the differences to big to overcome?
I have been with Dave for nearly 18 years now. The beginning wasn't easy but that was mostly me dealing with the guilt of breaking up my family. Was I doing the right thing for all of us? During this time Dave did all of the loving, I was busy trying to be a "single" mom, working and going to therapy. Swearing off marriage, being suspicious and distrustful because that was how my last relationship was. I loved but with a wall up.

I think of the analogy of trying to fit a square block into a round hole. That was my first marriage...it was never going to work, and both pieces were getting damaged from the constant abuse of trying to jam two things that don't belong together, together. This time we were both round pieces but you can't put the piece in if it's blocked by a wall. I needed to trust him, trust us, to make it work. Luckily I realized it before it was too late. And luckily he was patient enough to wait. Or was it luck? Maybe we are just soul mates meant to be together. Had I never been brave enough to make the decision that my mistake marriage didn't have to be forever...had I never tried to track Dave down (not an easy task because he had switched stores but I was persistent and just in time too...he had just given 2 weeks notice...and I had never learned his last name)....I am not sure I would be here, and by here I don't mean California, I mean anywhere. I wouldn't have had the support to get into counseling and my depression would have gotten worse and I would have never had the happiest years of my life with my soul mate.

So if you are trying constantly and without success to change your partner or to change your expectations of what your relationship is, maybe it's time to think about if you are settling on a someone just so you won't be alone and possibly missing out on that soul mate..who could be a coworker or someone you see everyday at Starbucks or a friend of a friend. Or maybe you are not seeing your soul mate because of outward looks...missing out on true happiness because someone has a bad haircut or doesn't make the best style choices, little things that being in love could change....

I still remember the first time I met Dave. I couldn't look him in the eyes because I was afraid of the way that made me feel. I would try to avoid him so I didn't have that uncomfortable feeling because it was WRONG. But what was really wrong was the horrible relationship I was forcing myself to be in because I thought that was all I deserved. So try not to judge when people end their marriages, you don't know what their relationship was and whether some day you may be in the same position.