To draw or not to draw

It's been a little over 2 months since I started my website Paw Prints By Ann. First of all, I am thinking a website was totally unnecessary. I greatly underestimated the power of a Facebook page. I started the page about the same time. One request has come through the website (and that was from a facebook friend) all of the other requests have been through facebook or co-workers. I have done 9 drawings. That averages out to one a week, not too shabby. In reality it was more like 2 some weeks and none the next. The weeks with two left me feeling a little stressed.

It used to take me 2 or 3 hours to draw a portrait. This is based on when I was doing them for free, to build a portfolio, should I ever take the leap into the real world. So much easier when the person isn't paying for it. If they don't like it? Well they can throw it out, stuff it in a drawer, throw darts at it...whatever they want...but it was FREE, so they can't really complain.

Now it is taking me FOREVER to draw them. I usually can't draw for more than 2 hours at a time, I am not sure why. Partly it's probably my somewhat odd "studio"...sitting on the sofa! Also, I am older now...my vision is really BAD! I have taken to sitting with a light coiled around my neck...even in the daylight! I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make the portrait perfect! And I am my own worst critic. Every portrait I have done, I have hated until the last hour before it is finished. I mean, really hated....like crumple it up and throw it away, send an email saying "Sorry I can't do it!"....the only thing that stops me is the amount of time I have already put in!

I started taking progress pictures, not for the clients. FOR ME! To remind me that I hated the last one at that stage too. I know that it is ME putting the pressure there. I am getting great feedback. Nearly everyone thinks my prices are too low....which with the amount of time I am taking is true. The last two have gotten better, in terms of time management. Now instead of 10 hours, I am down to 5 or 6.

It isn't about the money...whether I make more or less than I make at Penney's is irrelevant. It's supposed to be something I enjoy....and so much of me still does. I really LOVE looking at some of the finished pieces and saying "Hey I did that!"...it's the middle part...where I doubt myself. Hell I can't even bring myself to call me an artist. It's my constant need to compare...to believe if I can't be the best there is no point in doing it at all. I do this with everything....I feel like I am mediocre at a lot of things and great at nothing. Then my wonderful husband reminds me that there are plenty of people who can't do some of the stuff I do and to stop being such a whiner!

The hormones play a big part..as they do with so much of my life right now....when is this peri-menopausal bullshit supposed to end? Last month I had a really bad, bad spell....normally the depression lasts a day or two, I couldn't shake it last month. Dave even lost sleep over worrying about me. The good news is as bad as it got, I never, ever felt suicidal and for that I am grateful. I hope those days stay far, far behind me. But I do worry that as the months progress it could get worse...the spells could last longer or be darker. (Here I go digressing from my original intent, but honestly, it's completely related because my wanting to quit drawing is cyclical, like my hormones...and therein lies the problem--What do I want to do? Not my hormones but ME! and when you are stuck with this hormone shit, you never know when it's real and when it's just the voices (that's how I refer to the hormones---because they tell me all kinds of shit and feed me lies to make me worry or be sad or angry, whatever their mood is)) Did I add enough parentheses? Are you allowed to write so much between parentheses? Where the hell did I leave off?!??

To draw or not draw? I will continue for now, if for no other reason then that I am keeping just busy enough. I know if I get "too busy" I could just raise prices and that would surely slow things down, but that isn't the only issue. I don't know if I am made out for this self employed stuff...there is so much involved...the tax crap, the license crap, the marketing crap...the sure to be disappointed customers...it has to happen...and I can barely handle compliments without questioning my talent (Do I deserve the high praises? Am I really doing anything that great?), I can't imagine if someone hated a portrait I did! I really liked drawing as gifts for people...but I suppose that means continuing to work at Penney's, which I still enjoy...except for the annoying quotas...if they leave me alone about that shit, I could stay there forever..I really am that simple...folding towels and clothes may not be my calling but it is soooo much better than counting pills!

This post isn't written to get compliments from my readers (reader?--hello anyone??) because, no offense but YOU aren't what matters....it's those voices...I have learned from my therapist many years ago, I need to love myself...and well I have come a long, long way but apparently I still have a long, long way to go....hey, hopefully I am only halfway through life, so I've got the time!! :)

I really do like to draw...ok maybe not the drawing part...but the end result...I think I would also like the drawing part better, if I had better tools....I feel like I can never find the perfect colored pencil, and I have about a million colors! I feel like the pencil is never sharpened quite right....that the eraser doesn't erase good enough and I really hate the fixative spray, it has caused me unnecessary anxiety on too many occasions! When I get a great photo, I get really excited because I think THIS will be easier to draw...and honestly it never is...I even thought I could market myself by saying "Hey do you have a shitty photo? I can turn it into a work of art!" Because, really, if you have a great photo, why not just frame that?? (Are those of you who had portraits done now questioning the quality of your photo? Don't, I told you it ends up not really mattering!! I swear!)

So, thanks for reading...I feel a little better writing it out...because I really started this not knowing what the answer was...but now I know, for now I keep drawing... so if you are on the fence about getting a pic don't wait too long....I may be retired before you know it! (I will make an exception for my one faithful reader who is out of the country---I think we can all agree our military families should get special treatment, as thanks for all they sacrifice!)

See---that wasn't too rambly, was it?