The end of September will mark the end of my pharmacist career. My Pennsylvania license expires, it being the first license I obtained it must be maintained (to my knowledge) in order to be able to reciprocate my license to other states (exclusive of California and Florida, which require taking the boards--and that ain't gonna happen!). My Maryland license won't expire until the end of December 2015 but my first and ultimately most important license will expire soon! I am not sure if you can even take the boards without your original license or whether I would need to take pharmacy college credits again. I could look into that before allowing it to lapse but I am 100% certain that NOTHING would ever make me go back...NOTHING!
Sooooo....I went on the site and made my status INACTIVE...this means to reactivate I would need to continue doing CE's and then pay a huge amount of money to reactivate, based on how long it is lapsed. CE's (continuing education, for those that have never had to do them!) suck....they are boring...and usually cost money, I have managed to pay for very few throughout the 22 years I did them.
But that isn't really why I am writing....
Ever since I stopped "being a pharmacist", I have been trying to figure out WHAT NOW?
I fell into pharmacy as a career and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I suppose) because it was such a lucrative career, I never felt I had the option to even consider leaving it.
All of my life I have been creative, artistic and yet intelligent (not to say artistic, creative people aren't intelligent). I was always on the high end of all the testing...not quite good enough for The Gifted Program, as it was called in my school days, but always in the top 90 some percentile for all of the state testing.
Not many people in my family (and I came from a big one, my dad has a billion sisters and brothers and so does my mom) went to college, hell most didn't graduate high school. So you can imagine the pressure put on me to use that brain, not waste it in an artsy, fartsy field.
I can remember way back, as young as 10, wanting to be in fashion or design. I loved "making clothes" out of sheets or blankets or other clothes. I loved Fashion Plates (remember those?). I loved drawing. I wanted a piano desperately and would spend study halls in the music room, teaching myself to read music and fiddling on the keyboards. I also loved reading and math and chemistry. I was pushed towards those things and away from the other areas. My mom is still proud that she convinced me that with a "real" career I could afford to do pursue those other interests on the side. After all art supplies aren't cheap. I am still not convinced her meddling was the right thing to do.
I chose Pharmacy because it was offered at the college where my boyfriend was going. But, they also had an art school...if only. Obviously I am no longer with that boyfriend, he became a doctor, how cute we would have been, doctor and pharmacist. (insert eye roll here)
I can't regret it too much because ultimately it all lead me here. And here is a great place to be...with my soul mate, in my heaven on earth...the desert.
So...here I am. And I don't know what to do. I dabbled with the drawing website. I got some orders, made a wee bit of money, but didn't have an AHA moment. It still didn't feel right.
I now know what Dave has felt like all of these years. Not knowing what he wants to do. I never had to think about that. I was just trapped in my high paying job. Once I left my first husband, it seemed like the only thing to do was keep on being a pharmacist, I never considered stopping. I had a son to raise. I knew that wasn't the time to be pursuing dreams of a 10 year old. I remember I even discussed it with my therapist. I told her about my desire to be in fashion or interior design, two of the biggest things that interested me, when it was time to pursue a career path. Both of which I was dissuaded from. She agreed that rural PA was not the place to pursue those dreams and it was unrealistic with a 3 year old to think of going to NY or LA or wherever would be the best place to succeed. So I tabled the idea.
So this is how he felt...how many feel...wondering what do I want to do...that I can realistically do.
I have toyed with so many ideas and tried some too. But still...nothing feels right.
I have ruled out some. Being a vet tech..ruled that out while volunteering the other day at the animal shelter. It is way too much like pharmacy...I don't want any job where mistakes can hurt or kill. I have zero confidence in my brain anymore...I still blame the hormones for making me stupid.
Do I even NEED to find another career? Can I see myself at Penney's for 10 or 15 years? Other than the annoying "How many credit apps have you gotten, hunh, hunh?" I do enjoy the job. Who knew I didn't hate the retail part? It was the pharmacy part! People just don't bother me like I thought they did. Yes, there are assholes, but I don't know if it's age or what but now I just feel sorry for them. Sorry at how miserable their lives are that they must try to tear others down over stupid shit..wrong prices or coupon conditions or being out of stock or whatever dumbass reason they think it's ok to try to belittle someone. Maybe it's my knowledge that I am not the stupid person they try to treat me as..."just a sales clerk"...arrogant people amuse me rather than anger me....and like I said I feel truly sorry for them. There are plenty of memes about not knowing what is going on in someone's life and to treat people more nicely and maybe I give people too much credit because I pretend these asses may have just gotten word that they or a loved one is dying and that is why their mood is so sour. Probably they are just assholes but then isn't that even sadder? They are so unhappy that their only joy is in trying to bring others to their level...sad. And I don't let them win.
But I digress, as usual.
I think I can be happy without another career. I have started volunteering at the animal shelter and while the medical team didn't seem to be a good fit, petting cats seems to be. how cool is that? They have volunteers who just come in and pet cats....
If I thought up something that didn't require a ton of schooling and could be done here in the desert where there are slim pickings for decent jobs, I would consider it. But so far nothing appeals.
And believe me, I have considered a wide variety of things: pet sitting(which I did think I would like, but the woman I connected with didn't necessarily feel I was right (probably because I have ZERO experience with dogs or cats...volunteering will remedy that, so still a possibility one day), vet tech (nope! see above), teaching at one of the local colleges (not sure I'd like it), Realtor (pretty sure I'd suck), personal trainer (afraid I am too old to start that, plus you need a client base and I suck at networking), pet portraits (not enough drive to get enough business to be able to quit JCP), working at a running store (only one in the area and not sure I mesh with the owner), personal assistant (afraid rich people would get on my nerves) and the list goes on and on....
So that's why I stick with Penney's, I kinda like it. It pays better than some other places. They are ok with my scheduling requests. And I really am not ready to start the application/interview/train somewhere else process again...
I have some book ideas...but have to sit down and actually see if I can write....blogging doesn't count, as I just sit and type...I know I can write better than a rambling mess. I wrote a children's book that really isn't too bad, if I don't say so myself but it is so much more fun to just type and ramble, rather than organize my thoughts.
I wish I could say things feel different now that my license is gone but since I had already decided that there was no going back the relief and joy had already been felt. I still attribute my peace and happiness to knowing it is over...it feels like a different life. A very distant memory or nightmare...only unlike childbirth or a marathon, in which the painful part fades and you only remember the good...I have no good memories of that career. Yes, I met nice people (and my hubby!), yes it supported me in a very comfortable lifestyle but there was never a day I didn't dread the job....even once I got away from corporate pharmacy. Yes, the independent was better on so many levels, but the worry of killing someone remained and that tarnished the pleasure of working with good people and a great boss.
This will be my last "thank God I am not a pharmacist post" and my last "I don't know what to do post"...if I ever write about a career again, it will be if I have an epiphany and figure out what I want to do that I am willing to work towards making a reality. But I may just be content with doing what I am doing because I am happy and that is all that really matters.
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