Sooooo....what happened?
First, let me start by talking about the post I was going to publish just before this happened. I didn't post it because I was afraid the intended purpose wasn't coming across. The intention was to discuss my relationship, and how wonderfully perfect it was to show others that they shouldn't "settle" for just anyone because they might miss out on THE one. My fear was that it just sounded like "I have a great relationship and you don't, nanny nanny boo boo". Which is sooo ironic now.
Because of how great our relationship is, I was getting annoyed with my work schedule, way too much time spent working while Dave was home and anytime I worked a night shift I wouldn't see him at all. I left before he got home and was home after he went to bed. It sucked! And that was NOT part of the plan. I was thinking of quitting so I was going to start looking for a different job. He used a website that he really liked and I couldn't remember the name of it, so, with no reason to believe I shouldn't, I went onto his computer to check his search history to find the site. Yes, you can see where this is going....but I had ZERO belief that I would find anything, it didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how confident I was in our relationship. Never have I ever been so sure of anything....I was positive he felt the exact same about our life as I did....that it was perfect.
So what did I find? I found his gmail account listed in the search history. Only thing is that he told me over a year ago that he hates gmail and that he was going back to hotmail. I knew he had used gmail for Amazon but this being February (past Valentine's day) there wasn't any reason for him to be getting emails about an Amazon order. So I clicked on it...with just a little trepidation, after all this is my soul mate, the perfect man, what could I possibly find?
It was an email thread to someone named Holly. Dave has always worked with women, and there are so many names and I was trying desperately to remember if he had mentioned a Holly (should I be changing her name to protect her privacy? Who gives a fuck, right?) He used initials to refer to his workplace and about now my brain was not working properly as I read the words "I miss you. Why didn't you start working at SE sooner?" (My memory tells me this is the verbatim text, but I had at some point changed it to "I wish you had started" and while that may not seem like a big difference, in my mind "wishing" indicates a sense of longing, whereas the question could be interpreted many ways...and "I miss you" could be harmless... I miss some guys I worked with, I was trying desperately not to overreact or read things into it that weren't there, but unfortunately overreacting is kind of a skill I have developed fully over the years). Her response? "I miss you, too. I don't know why I didn't start there sooner" Kind of hard to read, right?
First thing I do is call my bestie, to talk me off the ledge. He does a good job...I remember saying "Tell me Dave loves me, tell me he isn't the kind of guy who would hurt me..." And he does, he reassures me there is a perfectly good explanation and that it isn't THAT BAD....yet. He encourages me to keep looking. Looking for proof that everything is fine, neither of us believe he is capable of hurting me. I finally realize what SE stands for and do recall him mentioning her name but not as frequently as others he has worked with...which only makes it seem like there's a reason he doesn't mention her.
So with my limited computer skills I keep looking. It bothers me that he had deleted that message, luckily being in the search history I was able to recover it. Then I found out why Dave hates gmail, reading emails is really bizarre, it's almost like a message board. Trying to figure out the order and who wrote what and when....so confusing. So the good news, looks like just a bunch of stupid chatter about squirrels in the freezer and bacon...and then the comment about whatever happened with her husband...she says they are back together, indicates things are just ok and he uses the same line he used on me, way back a million years ago....something about life being too short to be in an unhappy relationship. That stung. But, in reality the only comment that truly bugs me is the last one...written while he sat 3 feet from me on a Friday night, after having a nice dinner with our friends, then a game of Trivial Pursuit and some drinking. Not 5 minutes after they left, he was on the computer, missing HER, while sitting next to me. That hurts. My BFF doesn't get it, maybe only a woman can understand, or maybe from being cheated on before I am overly sensitive.
This is all happening on a Saturday morning while he's at work and I am due in for a night shift, so i won't see him until Sunday at 2:30 pm. How do I handle it? I have many ideas....from ignoring his phone call, not calling on my break, not leaving a note....just to make him wonder and worry. But I keep digging...and I find he's been on her facebook page recently, checking out photos of her in a bikini....and of course she's pretty....and of course, he has never mentioned that. At this point I am still new to investigative work, which is bad because it just prolongs the agony. I keep thinking of things to look for and subsequently finding more crap in the following days. None of it terribly horrible by itself but as part of the "Who is this man?" question it just keeps making me wonder what else I don't know about him.
So now I know she's pretty and he's been secretly emailing her for who knows how long because most of it has been deleted. I am sick...diarrhea, nausea and shaking. I shower, still intending to go to work but realize there is just no way I can put on act for 7 hours. So I call off. Which may not seem like a big deal, but I have missed 1 or 2 shifts in my 22 years as a pharmacist. I do not take calling off lightly. Now I am mad about that too!
So the waiting begins (are you still here or bored yet? ;) ).....2 long hours until he gets home....now he's 20 mins late, where is he? I call. He's at Lowe's...he can tell that I have been crying, I don't remember what I said but he finally gets home. The rest of the night is a blur. It's funny how our memory works. I have been reading a book about low self esteem and apparently it is common to have memory loss like this when you have a trauma to your self esteem. Somehow he convinces me it was nothing and that he was wrong to keep the emails a secret but they meant nothing and he knew I wouldn't like it, so he was "protecting" me. And all seems well...until he finds me sleeping on the couch because the thought I lying next to him repulses me and part of me wants to smother him. He's nearly late to work when he discovers me on the sofa and we both end up crying as he realizes it may be more serous then he first thought.
He has to work Sunday-- I am home alone...his computer sits there calling me...I figure out how to look at all facebook private messages. I see that she requested his email (because she lost it) way back in July. He responds with the gmail address, you know the account he wasn't using anymore. To me that shows a deliberate intent to deceive. Because, you see, I have all of his passwords, he knows of my trust issues and has always been completely open with me (Yes you may cough and laugh here!).
I don't remember the timeline on everything but over the next couple of days I also discover a book he has started writing (he can't understand why this upsets me when the book is about how he regrets not moving to CA sooner, how his wife is dead(and also mocked her for her bad eating habits--ie it's ME) and a very elaborate description of the amazing woman who shows up at the bank one day and he runs into in the supermarket later). He is actually angry that I am mad over a fictional story, which nearly parallels his life....again I could be overreacting but the fact that he wrote this and never even confided in me that he was writing a book, just one more secret.
I then find an email from his brother asking for money again (from over a year ago) and a follow up email that is extremely nasty and hurtful and hateful towards Dave. The fact he never mentioned this is one thing but I specifically had asked him if he had heard from his brother and jokingly even asked if he had asked for money lately and he blatantly lied about it. So now he doesn't just hide things, he is an outright liar as well. Again this was done to protect me, because I would have just gotten upset over it....he is starting to realize that I may have a point about not really knowing the person I am married to. He is trying to find ways to help me believe him. We begin emails to each other, he opens up and tells me things he hasn't told anyone. I do feel closer but still wonder why it had to take this for him to trust me enough to let me in.
I go through ups and downs over the next few weeks...in the beginning wondering if I am a hypocrite because I am staying in a relationship that is nothing like the one I described in my soulmates post. Am I willing to pretend everything is fine? He still can't explain why he wrote the I miss you, he blames it on drinking too much wine and being sad that he couldn't enjoy the evening fully because he has to go to bed early and get up early. I spend way too much time wondering what emails would have followed had I not "coitus interruptus"...He deleted the gmail account because I was stressing over whether I needed to check it every day to see if he heard from her....did I mention the facebook message I sent her? I had written an amazing email to her (if I don't say so myself!) it was restrained, intelligent but alas too informative, I didn't want her to know how hurt I was so instead I just sent a short and sweet "You have been unfriended by Dave Greene due to inappropriate messages...Sincerely wifey" She referred to me as "wifey" in their emails and that really bugged me because if you have any intentions of cheating with a person it is much easier if that person's wife doesn't have a name (or so my somewhat pyschotic self tells me makes perfect sense). Needless to say she immediately blocked me. I can't imagine what she would have done if she had gotten my email...geez I mean the message was short and sweet...was this the action of a guilty person? I correspond with a man I worked with, I assume his wife knows (we have all been to dinner together a few times) but if she contacted me like that, I, knowing my emails were NOT inappropriate would feel the need to defend myself. Which is part of the problem... I will never know what may have happened or what she was thinking. And, yes, she is 3000 miles away but as one of my friends can tell you that doesn't stop someone who wants to cheat...
I ultimately realized that I gave my first husband a second chance, even though he cheated on me for EIGHT months at the beginning of our relationship, and lied about it repeatedly, because I had some serious suspicions and questioned him more than once. I even married the ass. Dave has been nothing but loving to me for 18 years, if there's the slightest possibility that this was simply a drunken moment of stupidity, I would be a moron to throw it all away. While I have discovered he isn't, in fact, the perfect man I thought he was, he is still the best man I know and I don't want to give up on us.
I still have bad days, thanks in part to hormones but I am starting to believe that the happiness I believed we had was real. A couple of years ago this would have killed me and us, I would never have gotten over it enough to trust him again and I won't live in a relationship without trust. I am very grateful to the palm trees or the sun or not being a pharmacist, whatever it is that has allowed me to be optimistic and willing to believe in the best outcome. I am sure we have many more happy years ahead of us. The Rose Colored glasses are good for that, but there will be a little place in the back of my head and heart that will stop and wonder "Is this real for both of us? Or is it just ME that is this happy?" Because whatever the reason is, he did sit here, right next to me and "miss" something from someone other than me....and no matter how rosy those glasses are, I just can't completely ignore that, not yet, anyway.
Now do I post the Soulmates post for a reference point, as to how deep my head was buried in the sand? Or...not
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