Love, Believe, Be Happy

This is my new mantra. You may have noticed I haven't written in a month. I have been ALL over the place....I mean EVERYWHERE. Sad, happy, angry, scared, tired, enraged, sobbing, screaming and thinking I had finally figured out how to live with this (and being wrong more than once). It's only been days since my recent "meltdown" but this time feels different (only time will tell). I truly hope there are no more meltdowns. They have to be really bad for me physically. My blood pressure goes up so high that I can feel my head getting lighter, like I will pass out. My heart races so fast I am sure it will just explode and I am so out of control that I have hurt Dave (accidentally, grabbing his face too hard and jarring his neck as he tries to dodge me). I stamp my feet and scream like a madwoman. It is terrifying for me and I can't even imagine what Dave must feel like.

This latest time I realized I need to really just make up my mind-- am I staying or going? Can I do THIS? If not I need to admit it before I kill one or both us from the stress of being in between.

I have been telling myself there were 2 options. Love him and stay or love him and leave. But there's really 3. Love him and stay and continue not believing him or love him and stay and believe him.
Only one way ends with the possibility of being happy. If I leave him there is a possibility of happiness..but not WITH him. So if I want to be with him the only way to be happy is to believe.

I do believe that right now he thinks he loves me. The problem is -- is he lying to himself? And his answer is "Why would I do that? This is hard, why wouldn't I just leave?" And my answer is because it hurts to admit that he doesn't love me. It took me 3 months to convince him that when he said "I wanted to end it" Ending it was NOT the same as "I didn't want to be with her". What he meant was I didn't want to keep living 2 lives. THAT was what was killing him. The lying, the cheating. But he didn't want to end it WITH HER...just wanted to end IT. We will never know how it would have played out. Would he have chosen her? Would he have dragged it out so long that either she got tired of waiting or I got tired of being treated like shit? Would he have ever fell out of love with her? I don't know. But in none of those scenarios would he just start loving me again. Even if he did leave her, he would have still loved her and kept his secret always wondering what could have been. Continuing to live a lie with me and still not really wanting me. I believe IF he really does love me now it's only because he got scared when he realized he could have lost me and it opened his eyes and the only way that happened was me finding out. At the same time I believe that there is a reason he reached out nearly 5 years ago to another woman and then again almost a year ago to this woman. Something is missing. For him. Three months for him to admit that it hurt too bad to admit he had no idea who he wanted to end it with. Three months of lying to himself to protect himself. Is it not possible he's lying about how he feels about me? Of course it is.

My self confidence has improved so much that I really don't believe it's me. Unless it's because  he felt I didn't need him and this is about saving women to make himself feel good. And if that's the case, well I guess he could still love me, just have this stupid savior problem. I know I have my issues but I have always had issues and he stuck with me through all of that...years of depression and neediness. I am now a much more loving wife. There is no reason he shouldn't want to be with me. He loved me at my worst. He should love me at my best. So I want to believe this was just him being really fucking stupid. I want to believe that is what he realized and not that he's clinging to our relationship because "we have history".

I asked him for reasons why he thinks he wouldn't have chose her. They were so lame and that's when I realized he had never decided not to chose her. He still had no idea of where he wanted to be, just didn't want to be in the middle anymore. Here's the list, you decide: She has kids, (I had a BABY when he decided to be with me-her youngest is 10), He was worried she would go back to her husband (he felt the same about me), She was really bad with money (I am sure being in love he would have told himself he could help her learn to budget better), she probably has a gross body from having 4 kids (this from a guy who has dated fat chicks...super lame excuse), She was controlling (not sure how he could tell that from what was essentially a text relationship but again I was super fucking crazy and that didn't stop him from starting a life with me).

I am sure he now realizes it wouldn't have lasted with her but with the freshness of new love there is no way any of those reasons would have stopped him from leaving me. And what was the reason he gave for not wanting to leave me? He loved me (and I pointed out you don't CHEAT on someone you love) and our history (that to me sounds like obligation not desire to be here). When he would compare us...there's no way I would win over being in love, if history is all he could come up with as a reason to stay. So that's why I have a hard time believing that in less than a minute he decided with any accuracy on where he wanted to be. And I think it's possible that over time he may realize he jumped the gun and impulsively decided he MUST love me because he instantly stopped loving her, so that wasn't real, so our love must be real...well...one doesn't equal the other. It is within the realm of possibility that he doesn't love either of us.

But we are back to my choices. I love him. And god knows I have tried everything to stop that. I have pleaded with myself to just stop loving him and move on. Save my heart from breaking again. Three and a half months and I can't make myself not love him.

I have given serious consideration to just leaving. I decided I don't want to live in this house without him, too many memories that would cause too much pain. I have thought of draining my savings and going away..Africa, Australia....become the next Jane Goodall. I am serious. No more men, No more heartache. But I would still love him and want to be with him and want to share our love of animals and think of him way too much.

So I came up with the mantra. Love him, Believe Him and possibly Be Happy. Too long to chant to myself and so it became simply: Love Believe Happy.

I have felt my heart start healing and wrote it in a note to him and within minutes as I drove to work I regretted writing it. So afraid that that confession would give him permission to hurt me again. "Oh she believes me again, I'm free to do what I want, she'll forgive me again...she always does". I went into panic mode, my brain reminding me of everything he did, how well he lied, how he never showed an ounce of remorse while doing it, covering so well. It took me 2 hours to get back to Love Believe Happy, but I did it. On my own. I fought my brain and I won.

I know there will always be a part of me that will never allow myself to be shocked if it turns out I am right (that he is fooling himself into believing he loves me). My gut tells me he's lying to himself. And I know I SHOULD listen to my gut, but I just can't. I am actively choosing to disregard it's warnings and I am well aware of the consequences. I am hoping that he can lie to himself for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes. I know I should want him to be truly happy and part of me does but just like he was selfish for choosing to be with her just because it "felt good" well I am doing the same thing....I am being selfish...I want him even if he really doesn't want me. As long as continues to believe he loves me then I will believe it too. I know now that I can survive if it turns out that it isn't true and maybe I will have some happy years in the interim. Or maybe my gut will be wrong and we will be truly happy and never take each other for granted and grow old together, just like I always wanted.

Love Believe Happy

Christmas--thank god it's over

So yeah..short and simple...it sucked.

I got a great gift from my bff...way too generous, so I have some feelings about whether I deserve such generosity. But that's on me. I am grateful for the hours spent with him and his hubby, otherwise the whole day would have been miserable.

I will say it wasn't for lack of trying on either of our parts. I did try really hard to stop thinking about the past.

Something happened that triggered me focussing on his lying. And my inability to know when he is and when he isn't. I may blog about it later but this was just meant to let you know I'm fine...well I'm ok...maybe not ok... but I'll live...that's probably the best I can do for today. One day at a time.

Surprise...I'm still crazy

I don't know if I am lying to myself or if this roller coaster is real--do I really go up and down like this?

I FEEL like I believe what I am saying/feeling/writing at the time but then I have these days where nothing I say to myself will stop me from feeling like I will never stop crying.

Nothing will ever change what he did to me. No amount of understanding. No amount of crying. No amount of screaming. No amount of anything....he will have ALWAYS been weak. He will have always been untrue.

I think his therapist believes it is all about aging. He apparently frequently says things that makes the therapist believe he isn't dealing well with aging and the prospect of death on the horizon.

So we get to be a cliche. Mid life crisis makes stupid husband trash 20 years of happiness. Oh but then he realizes his error and wife is supposed to just move forward.

I think you all can see by now how fucked up my mind is.

I don't know how I was so able to put my boyfriend actually fucking another woman--probably on the same fucking day even--behind me so easily and I can't stop thinking about this stupid cunt who only kissed him.

I think it's 2 things. One I was a pitiful, weak, self loathing girl back then and I never even loved that guy. Now I know I deserve better and I believed this man was better, I wasn't shocked or even surprised to be cheated on by the douchebag but THIS this is just so hard to take. I love this man with all my heart. I let down every fucking wall and opened myself up to be hurt like this.

I'm still stuck in that place: it hurts to be here and I don't want to be without him. Part of me wishes he did leave. I would love to envision him with her and her 10 and 12 year old...what a Christmas he would have...10 more years with kids. He thinks getting old in THIS life sucked...how about being a dad again?? That's what he deserves. A miserable fucking life. I would love his greying years to be filled with true regret...see how fucking happy that makes him. That's the part I love best about my ex. My son tells me all of the time how miserable he is with his second wife. And yes my evil ass loves it!

And those are the thoughts I have to deal with. Not really wanting that. All I really want is for this to have never happened. That's what I REALLY want. And it's never going to happen. It's not about trusting again. It's not about whether he will lie again. He can NOT undo what he did. And I really still don't see any way for him to ever make up for it. The cherry is popped...he broke our vows. That is not the marriage I wanted. How am I supposed to be ok with that?

Time heals all wounds. What if my hatred for him destroys the love I have for him before my wounds are healed? I know...I am still back to waiting it out. There's a chance love will win. And if it doesn't so I wasted a few months trying. It's my only fucking option. Fucking stay and try. Wake up every morning with that bitch's face the first thing I see. And pretend like everything is going to be ok, when I have no fucking idea if it will.

I tried to stop this. I went and got a haircut--almost ask to be a blonde. Then I went shopping. Trying so hard to distract myself. Wanting to buy him things for Christmas, to show how much I love him...all the while hating him. Tried to buy him a Christmas card...HA....To my wonderful loving husband who always been there for me....well except those couple months when your dick felt old and you needed some whore to make you feel special....they just don't make those cards...

I feel like if I don't "treat him right" he'll stop loving me but I sometimes I just CAN'T do it....I can't make myself care that he needs to feel my love. I am fucking here...dying a little more every day and that is going to have to be enough and if it's not? Well fuck him...let him go find some stupid whore to fulfill his fucking ego. I am barely hanging on....yes music lyric quote...

And there you have it....that's how I feel today... I have been fighting it since I woke up on my birthday, 2 days ago. He was off the past 2 days and provided a better distraction that I can be to myself and I was able to keep it at bay---well except for those few moments in the grocery store while he waited at the meat counter...it was all I could do not to sit down in the middle of the store and just start crying...but I didn't! Yay me! (insert eye roll here!)

Here's the part where I tell you how strong I am and everything is going to be fine....because that's what I have to tell myself...one fucking day at a time....

17 days left in this year...please let them be enough to let me have EVERY day in 2018 be a good day. Or at least allow me to learn to lie to myself better.

A new perspective

Gonna try to make this my fastest post yet, as today is my birthday and hubby is at a work meeting and will be back soon!

On December 9th....around midnight....which I didn't realize until later the next day (relevance to follow)...I had a change in my way of thinking.

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep after having played some Candy Crush and solitaire (a few days ago my hormonal sleep disturbances have resurfaced, I had been falling asleep around 10:30 or 11 but it's starting to inch back to my 1 and 2 am insomnia). I still was having trouble falling asleep after an hour of playing when I just suddenly thought: I could have lost him forever.

I mean I must have thought that at some point but it just became so clear: I could have lost him.

I have spent so much time being hurt and angry and confused and crying and screaming and being numb and trying to decide whether life would be less painful with or without him in it--it never dawned on me that it wasn't just about what I wanted.

When I confronted him that night...October 9th..around midnight...EXACTLY 2 months prior
...he could have just said "You caught me, thank God, now I can go be with her" and left.

I would be going through all of this alone. Never to have him in my life again. I would have lost him.

I have insisted to him that he stopped loving me because he couldn't have done this AND loved me. He argued and denied and then admitted it was hard to say but he understood why that must be true. But I was wrong...I still have no idea why or how he could do this to me..to us....but he never stopped loving me. He always wanted me. I may never know what the hell she gave him that he thought he needed or why he sought it out, or even if it was sought out...but I know he chose to stay.

It has been a really hard 2 months for me, but also for him. And he stays.

I don't want to lose him. I know that. I still had doubts about if I could live WITH him and this. But I now know I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. I know I will still have insecurities and moments of doubt (already have--but it feels different, it isn't as hard to argue with myself that I am being overly cautious, reading things that aren't there-- and I will still ask him for reassurance, he owes me that).

I feel calmer inside. Surer.

I didn't lose him. Not forever. A couple months he wasn't all mine. But his heart did still belong to me.

We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok.

Don't think I won't be vigilant in making sure this doesn't happen again. The one fear I have is the next time my gut tells me he's cheating that it won't matter what he says, because he so easily lied right to my face when confronted...it's harder to prove something isn't happening. Had I not found those texts I know he'd still be lying. He seems to think I can't know that it would still be going on, but I don't see how he was ever going to stop it on his own, no matter what he thinks he wanted. It was not headed that way, not anytime soon. I don't know how he will be able to prove my gut is wrong. He says we will figure it out, I don't know. Hopefully my gut isn't as paranoid as the rest of me and since he won't ever do this again, we won't have to test it out.

It feels like I have been going through this for years and it's been 2 short (HA!) months....I am hoping with this new perspective that the rage will be gone, the pitiful sobbing will be done and healing will begin and we can spend the rest of our lives loving each other and only each other.

And, yes, I began wearing my rings again. I will keep my vow til death do us part...for better and for worse, may the worst be behind us.

Just checking in

It's been 2 weeks since my last post, so I thought I owed you an update.

I haven't felt like writing because by the time I have time to write I have already moved to a different hill on this rollercoaster that is my life. Or maybe a valley.

I have had some REALLY bad days. And some pretty good ones.

Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions, they show me I am wrong.

I had my first hormonal depression...which turned into a screaming, rage filled mess.  I was right...depression is better than the hurt and pain. And that is really fucking sad. Because depression fucking sucks. I went through every damn emotion that week...but I survived.

The bad seems to be shorter. The rages less rageful. The hurt slightly less painful. This week.  Last week that's another story. Time spent in front of the toilet, wanting to vomit from the dreadful amount of snot streaming from my nose and down my throat like a broken spigot. Sobbing hysterical, hating myself for allowing anyone to let me feel this way. Throat sore from screaming with the outrage and confusion over how he could do this to us.

He takes it well. Sometimes he says the wrong thing and I go off worse, but mostly he holds me and comforts me and sometimes cries with me, apologizing and hating himself as much as I hate him.

Why am I so empathetic? I hate hurting him. How stupid is that? How did I ever come to love him so much? Why did I stop protecting myself? Will it be worth it? Will I regret ever loving him this much or can we actually grow stronger?

My heart still believes. My brain thinks I am a fool. Some days I can see a future filled with happiness again. I can see myself trusting him--don't I already? I am so quick to believe. I credit our long history, that has to be why. It is impossible that he faked his happiness and love for me for 20 years. He has been through so much with me and always been there. I know I was not easy to live with.

Our vows promised for better or for worse. There was no stipulation that if one of us broke them the other could too. I am trying to get through the worse. I still am not confident I can. I decided to stop wearing my wedding rings--the original and the renewal--almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't feel like he deserved that pledge anymore and I wanted to hurt him. Instead he says he understands. I will wear them again when I think I can be true to our vows. That I won't do something stupid to lash out at him. That I will remain through the worse. It just doesn't feel right to wear them now.

Today I searched online for a support group. That backfired colossally. Misery does not, in fact, love company. When you are feeling bad reading others equally painful, sad stories doesn't necessarily help. Yet here I am sharing. Maybe mine can help someone? Reading one woman's story--her husband blaming a midlife crisis for a 2 year affair. At least he came clean to her. But he used the same excuse. He felt trapped in the affair. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to find out. He tried to end it but the other woman threatened to tell (the one story my cheater didn't use). It made me realize that I can't know how long this would have continued without MY intervention. His texts contradict his claim to wanting to end it. How long would it have gone on? Would he still be seeing her? Would he still be out of work? My birthday is right around the corner...what lies would he have written in my birthday card? Would he have eventually slept with her? He tells me living in what ifs isn't helpful...yeah, I know that.....it also wasn't helpful to out relationship for you to break our vows. So pardon me if I have some lapses and dwell on shit I should "put behind me, so we can move forward". Pardon me if her face still haunts me. Pardon me for all the questions that can never be answered.

And so here I am...I guess a little further in the healing process. This weekend I am allowing (is that the right word?) my best friend to come confront him alone. I want us all to spend Christmas together. I want to be happy. I want to put this behind me. I want 2018 to be great...every day. I know that is way too high of a goal...but fuck it! I am optimistic now, remember?

I like to think I have control of how I feel and that I simply can state every day will be a good day. But today is a classic example of it just not being that easy.

I get a thought in my head and nothing will stop it. He came home on his lunch break and after 30 minutes of reassurances I did feel better. I want to be able to do that for myself. And I do a lot of the times, but sometimes I just get so tired of fighting the fight. But I am always left with the same 2 choices...life with him or life without him....and I really want life with him....without the pain.

I'd be lying to you--and God knows I fucking hate liars-- if I didn't say I considered the third choice. It truly seems to be the only one that takes all the pain away....for me. But I just can't be that selfish. I am not a quitter. I can do this...one way or the other...no third choice allowed.

And so I still take it day by day...or hour by hour. Whatever I can handle.

One day happiness won't be the trigger for a need to remember the hurt. We had a great night last night visiting Robolights (google it and check it out). We had fun stealing kisses inside some of the enclosed exhibits and just walking around looking at the freaky "art". It was a beautiful night with a warm Santa Ana wind. And it felt so nice...so I had to wake up and wreck that good feeling. One day I will stop doing that, I will allow myself to be ok with feeling happy and things feeling normal....and God I hope it doesn't lead to him taking that as a license to hurt me again.

Thankful post

Believe it or not I have a lot to be thankful for. (the hard part is believing that I know that I do, not that I actually do).

And that is what I am most thankful for.

I am so thankful that finally I can stop looking for the bad in my life, that I can stop my negative thoughts and point them towards the positive. I can not overstate how important this is for me.

I have written blogs over the past few years expressing my surprise at my "new found" optimism.
Yet until this...what's the proper adjective? Shocking? event took place, I still didn't realize the depth of how much I have changed.

This could have, should have, would have...shattered me. I would have drowned in self pity, dove into the darkness of depression, let it consume me until I had no will to live.

It's been a little over 6 weeks. That's more than enough time for a hormonal flux that would have put me into a sadness or depression without a reason. And yet here I sit not having had one moment of true depression, not one suicidal passing thought in the past 6 weeks. That's not to say I haven't had some hormonal sadness, differentiated by wanting to cry and not knowing why, it's not to say I haven't suffered immense hurt and pain...wanting to cry, and actually giving in and having soul wrenching sob sessions. But I have not been depressed.

For those of you who have never experienced depression and think it's being sad. It's not. I think I can better define what depression is for me because of these last several weeks. Depression (for me) is a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't need a cause. Doesn't need a reason. It's just a darkness and emptiness that takes over, not just your mind, but your body. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to think anything. You just don't want to be. And that's not to say you want to be dead. It's different. I have been really depressed and not suicidal. And on the other hand I have thought I was perfectly fine and had a suicidal thought..just a quick little "Why not end it all? Drive into that wall" It shocks me and I wonder where it came from. I haven't had ANY of this in 6 weeks. I haven't even been tempted to TRY to be depressed, which sounds even more strange. Why would you try to be depressed? There are times when I enjoy (not quite the right word but it gets the point across) being in that pit of depression. Certainly I don't know why I would, it's horrible. But I know there are times when I just want to be left alone and let it overtake me. That's probably the depression wooing me and that's why it can't win when I am not already depressed. It can't even call to me. It's so far away from where I am right now.

Part of me hopes that all of the things I have learned about myself and learning how many people are there for me has "cured" me. That I will never experience depression again. Wouldn't that be great? Still probably not worth the hurt and pain of the past month and a half (does that give you an idea of the pain? I would rather still get depressed for the rest of my life sporadically than to have learned that my husband could cheat on me. And as I write it, I know that it is true. I would give anything to have had him never have done this--even a life filled with depression).  I know it probably isn't realistic to think I won't ever be depressed again but there's that optimistic side hoping it could be true.

So what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for the loyal men in my life: Michael, Ray and Andrew. They love me unconditionally and will always be here for me, never even needing to resist the temptation to stray, because they won't even BE tempted. They will always be here in my corner, supporting me!

I am thankful the many friends (many of who also are my family) who have reached out to me to reassure me that they have always been there and that they will always be there. Friends that I thought were casual taking the time to be sure I knew that I was important to them...I may only keep about 100 friends on facebook, but nearly all of them are true, real friends. I am so thankful for each of them.

I am thankful for the 20 good years I had with Dave, without those years, our relationship could never hope to survive this. I rely on those memories, that love, to reassure me that my gut will prove to be true and that he will prove himself to be the man I have always believed him to be. This will all have been a horrible, terrible series of mistakes that he will never forget or repeat.

I am thankful for my health-- both mentally and physically.

I am thankful to be living in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Enjoying a warm (hot) day filled with sunshine and palm trees.

I am thankful for a job that I no longer hate. I'd rather not be working on this holiday, but I am thankful that I don't dread going in. Even knowing how crazy it's gonna be, it's just a few weeks out of the year and then the calmness will return and I can go back to mindlessly folding clothes.

I am thankful for this venue to express myself. I am still on a roller coaster but the good days are better and the bad days not as bad. You can see that by fewer posts recently. I hope to one day resume my regular random rambling blog and be done with these overly personal posts. Back to raging about our moronic president!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and take time to find the things you are thankful for. May they far exceed the things that irritate or annoy you!

Denial is over

So I guess denial is over. I just refused to believe he could do this to me. To us. Not him, anyone but him. And though I ran the images of them together through my head millions of times...reread the texts that are emblazoned in my memory over and over. It still wasn't real.

I had some bad days then 2 good days and then I thought I was ready to move on. I put our pictures back up. I was ready to let him fix this. And then I don't know what happened. I woke up thinking I wanted to find the first card he had given me and then I started thinking (uh oh) would reading all those words he used to write to me sound too much like what he wrote to her? Would it make things worse? Would it make it harder to believe him? And I fell apart.

We were supposed to hike. And so we did. I spent the better part of 2 hours and 4 and 1/2 miles crying, screaming or hyperventilating or just stomping up hills. The whole time wanting not to be doing that. Wanting to know what happened to my good days. Where was this coming from?

We ran some chores and then came home and had lunch. I headed up to nap...screaming and crying is fucking exhausting. But instead of falling asleep I started sobbing hysterically. I don't think I have cried like that since the first few hours after finding out. I could not calm myself down. I could not stop. He heard me and came and held me. I so want to believe we can get through this.

The night was a little calmer. We went to bed early both of us physically and emotionally drained.

He had to work today. I woke up feeling ok. I actually slept fairly well and for a LONG (any time I woke up I was able to fall right back asleep) time.

Sitting around, trying to figure out what to do...but still so tired. I decide to go lay down. I am laying there not thinking about much and BOOM....here it comes again. Hysterical sobbing...no one here to calm me down...I can't calm myself down. I think about how to make this stop. I know leaving won't end it. I want to run. Not run like exercise...run like far away...in my mind I keep seeing myself heading north...why? I don't wanna go north. I don't know where I'd go. What do I think is better somewhere else than here? I then think maybe a road trip alone to the Grand Canyon would be fun. I have the next 2 days off. But I still sob uncontrollably. I know leaving isn't the answer. I want to believe he is sincere in wanting to fix this. I want to believe he can. I know part of that is me letting him. I want to tell my bff to make sure if he ever does this to me again that he will not let me give him any more chances. I don't trust myself to not keep letting him hurt me. I feel like if there was a next time I wouldn't have any love left for him to even want to stay. I can see why people wouldn't try. I would not be here if not for the love I finally allowed myself to feel and give. I gave him my all. That's what hurts --- he does not deserve a second chance. He chose to risk it, he should lose it. But what about me?? I can not cut my nose off to spite my face. I just can't. I still believe in us. I believe he lost his way. I believe he may even have stopped caring what happened to us, but I also believe he has realized he was wrong. This was a huge wake up call for him. He does want to be here. He is here. I have to let him try to fix this.

But I no longer deny that he did it. That I was wrong. He is capable of this. And right now I believe he could/would do it again. I believe he knows why and doesn't want to face it. And if he doesn't know why--well every day that gets us further from the day he started down the path of actively choosing to risk our marriage, not once but for months and months...every day is a day further from him ever finding out why and how he could do this...and that means a certain end to me giving him a chance. Because I will never be able to lie to myself and say he won't do this again if we don't know why he did it now.

Denial is over. He is capable of this. He did this. He can do it again.

Now on to acceptance....and maybe, just maybe I can start to heal.