A nice change-calm and peace in this crazy timeline

 I realized that I often post about what depression feels like, because you write what you know, right? Well I just checked the last time I wrote a sadness post was a little over a year ago, right before my friend died and near the beginning of realizing how much worse this 4 years would be than the last time our nation elected this con man.

Since that time, I have continued with my reading but also experimented a bit with psychedelics. I had read a lot about their use in depression, anxiety and other trauma type mental health issues. I don't want to go into the where or how I got it or even the "trips" themselves. I didn't have an ego death or any great revelation, in fact what I enjoyed most was the church giggles. I don't know if that's a usual thing but it was definitely my favorite part. There is nothing quite like a good case of the giggles and I had a whole bunch of them each time.

I can't say for sure and for some reason I am very hesitant to give credit to those experiences but for at least the last 8 months, maybe longer I am using my son's wedding as a point in time and I know it's been since at least then I have been... I don't want to say happy... maybe content? at peace? I just have a calmness, a lack of worry. I am really living in the moment. 

I have been reading a lot of books on life after death, near death experiences, how our brains work but I have always done that so it seems unfair to give credit to that either. As I type this I want to state that I don't really spend too much time wondering why, that's part of what has changed... I am not overthinking everything. I still think... a lot... but I don't ruminate. With all of the horrible shit this country is going through, I can read about it, do what I can and move on to enjoying my day--no dwelling on it or letting it ruin my sleep.

So this post is about what it feels like to feel free from what I thought would be a lifetime of mental health issues. Do I think I will never experience depression again? I don't think about that. It's not in my control. Or should I say the parts that are I will continue doing what I am doing to control it. I still feel sadness, how can you not when you read about the horrible things being done? But I don't cling to it and run with it and let it dominate me. I haven't felt like I was in the depression well, free falling for a long time.

Many of the things I mentioned in my last sadness post still exist. I still have lots of concerns for my sister, she still needs to have her pancreas tumor checked on, she still worries about her kids. My dad still hasn't sold his house and lives practically alone. My friend didn't beat cancer and his widow is struggling to live the life he knows my friend would have wanted for him. I feel for all of them but I don't let it keep me up at night because I know can't control any of it. I can only be there to listen.

But, as usual, I got off topic. How does it feel right now? I have a cat at my feet, laying on my chaise lounge chair under an umbrella with the slightest breeze and perfect temperature. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, everything is green and beautiful and I feel peace. I feel a smile on my lips because unlike that sadness post I don't just "know" how good I have it, I feel it. I appreciate the bees hopping from flower to flower, I feel lucky that despite the nagging hip pain I've had I can still run, which I will do later today, in the wooded area that I am fortunate to have right behind my back yard. Every day we get to experience the wildlife- foxes, groundhogs, raccoons, skunks, snakes, deer, squirrels, rabbits, birds- as animal lovers, it's heaven. 

Maybe some credit goes to stoicism. I finally really understood what Epictetus means by "picking things up with the other handle". I don't know why it took me so long to get it, but now that I do there's no unseeing it. Everything has 2 ways of looking at it... pick the one that brings you the most joy or comfort or the least pain. Look for the purpose, look for what you can learn from the bad thing that happened to you. Focus on the lesson not the pain. I struggled a long time with this one. How could anything good come from the way we had to watch my mom suffer at the end? Now I can name a few things. I am certainly much more empathetic to those who are experiencing cancer or watching a loved one suffering with cancer (or really any illness), I understand how much stronger I am mentally than I ever believed I was. It also led me to the many books on the afterlife, which has brought me to a place where I don't fear death and also to learn to live a life that looks how I want it to look, not anyone else's version.

And there's Epicurus "Nothing is enough for the man whom enough is too little". For over a decade we have been living a much less materialistic life but I am not sure I really embraced it, I think I was still jealous of people who didn't watch how they spent money. Now I am so grateful that my husband and I are on the same page about what really matters. And no amount of money can buy the peace you feel when you appreciate that enough is enough. And, to be fair, we have so much more than enough so we really have nothing at all to complain about or be envious of others. 

I don't know, I feel like I still haven't done much in the way of describing how I feel. It was a little easier to describe the darkness that depression brought to me. This lightness is harder, the darkness felt like a well that I fell into with walls so smooth there was nothing to grab to stop me from falling farther and farther, it felt so hopeless. Now I just feel calm and peace, I can't think of any imagery to describe it.  Maybe because it isn't really going anywhere, it's just being right here and right here is pretty fucking great. I will just find myself sitting with a smile and a warmth in my chest and a feeling that everything is exactly as it should be. Yes even the regime and the mad king. I trust that the universe has a plan and that for everything to get better we have to get through to the MAGA holdouts and until they see him for who he is he will continue breathing. What other explanation can there be for someone so obviously unfit and unhealthy still breathing at 80? He has an unfulfilled purpose and once it's done... we can all celebrate. Dammit I digressed again. 

One other thing I have been doing more of that may be helping with the overthinking is playing games on my tablet. I think they'd be described as ASMR (did I get those letters right?) games and they are very good at silencing the voices and I am making money doing it! Over the past 6-8 months just a few hundred dollars, but hey I never made a dime playing Candy Crush! lol 

There was no real purpose for this post, it was just for me again. In case there comes a day when depression or even a prolonged sadness rears it's head, maybe I can read this and remember how I got to this content place. Though looking back over the post I am not sure I really understand how I got here. But, as I have said.... I am not overthinking it. If I only get one more day like this, it's still one day more than many people ever get. 

Things I have found helpful: 

Gratitudes- self explanatory (there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for)

Zooming out-- stepping out of your thoughts and looking at your life as if it was someone else's 

Look at the moment from the future- will whatever is happening right now even register as a blip in your memory 3 months from now? 1 year? 5 years? This has been very helpful in figuring out how much silly stuff I waste my time on

Story telling- recognizing that everything is a story, I don't really KNOW much at all, I make a lot of assumptions about why others said or did what they did and more often than not when I do find out...I was wrong about my interpretation

I recently read that even when we think we are self aware there is a limit to how self aware we can really be, our ego stops us from seeing ourselves as we really truly are...but damn if I am not going to keep pushing that limit. I think the path to peace is accepting yourself as you are but to do that you have to know who you are.

 

 

DJT is proof of a higher power

 What?? How can that be possible?

Over the past few years my spiritual beliefs have been getting stronger and stronger. Every now and then I get epiphanies that I feel confirm my beliefs. I am not here to try to persuade anyone. My hope is that you have something to believe in because I think we should all take the time to look inward and figure out what we believe as far as how we fit into this universe. I am going to try to not be too wordy but to express my beliefs and how I think they fit into my claim in the title.

I don't believe in life and death. What?? I believe in "energy", "souls" --whatever you want to call it. I believe this energy has been and will always be. I believe our bodies contain that energy for whatever period of time we exist here on earth. Some things I haven't cemented into my beliefs are-- I want to believe that this energy is always "good". Clearly you see why that is a tough one. There are so many humans who make this a tough argument to make. And I have had some theories like that we (words and pronouns can get really confusing try to bear with me) we, as in our human forms, are comprised of this loving, good energy (kind of goes along with what many religions say as far as god is in us all, etc) but we also have the "ego" or the "personality" that makes us us. I think some of us bury that energy so deep that the good is impossible to see. We let the ego own us. We become just the ego. It's kind of like the images you've seen of a good angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, only I believe that devil is our ego, our human identity. The good angel is that loving energy. So someone like DJT has such a narcissistic identity that you'd be hard pressed to ever find that loving energy but I do believe it is there. 

I think our energies have all the knowledge of the universe but it doesn't want us to have access to it in our human form. I think there are people that have accessed it. I have read a bunch of books on Near Death Experiences and this is where a lot of my beliefs have come from. Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander isn't a book about heaven at all, it's not even a religious book. It's one man's account of how he came close to death and it changed his entire belief system. He's a neurosurgeon. He thoroughly details how the things he experienced can't be explained by science or the medical community. I am currently reading another book he wrote called Living in a Mindful Universe. It's years out from his NDE and he has done fascinating research talking with others like him. I think even the biggest skeptic could be convinced that we don't die when our bodies die. He discusses consciousness in some very interesting ways. He thinks of the brain as a sort of filter that only allows us to experience a certain level of consciousness of our energy form. But that sometimes that filter is damaged during a NDE and once you have the knowledge you retain it. 

Of course many say we want to believe these things to make ourselves feel better about death and that's most definitely a benefit to believing. But I have spent the years since my mom's death learning to accept death and that we all die. and trying to use that knowledge to better whatever remaining time I have left. That's the stoics whole Memento Mori in a nutshell. Think about your death so you can remember to live better. I haven't been afraid to die and interestingly enough haven't had suicidal thoughts since my mom's death. Reading about NDE's has absolutely made it easier to not fear dying. The accounts of the "after" life sound incredible and this is across different cultures.. accounts are very similar no matter what your background is, or how old or young you are. That said... I also LOVE life. Not something I have always been able to say and even now in these so called unprecedented times I am still very glad to be here and don't really want to check out the most assuredly better life after this human form one. I have found a peace that doesn't budge much anymore. Even with the crazy shit we are dealing with nationally or with the sucky ass flu I have had for the past 2 weeks. I am content. Truly content. Which I assure you is so much better than happy, which can be fleeting. I accept things as they are and even believe they are as they should be. That there is a purpose for most of what we are dealt in our human life form. I know a lot of people don't want to hear that. They think things like cancer or Renee Good's death are horrible and that trying to see a reason is justifying it. They aren't the same thing. I can see a purpose without necessarily liking it. It reminds of the story of the farmer--let me see if I can find it to link to it. This is the story that pretty much precipitated this post, despite the fact that I read it quite a while ago, it just popped in my head as an epiphany that led to the title of my blog.  https://mindfulness.com/mindful-living/are-these-bad-times-or-good-times-the-story-of-the-zen-farmer

I keep talking to the universe (or God if that's your thing) and I start out saying I want this all to stop. The "all" being the destruction that DJT is reaping not just here but in the world. But as I "pray" I remember that it isn't for me to decide what is good or bad for the world. And I have been doing this for months each time forgetting that I can't be praying for him to be gone-either impeached or finally dying. It isn't up to me and that I should have faith that what is best is what will be. (I feel like I sound so woo woo when I talk like this!) So I end up starting by pleading for an end to this turmoil so I can be truly at peace, not just in my personal day to day life and I end up realizing that it sounds like I am not trusting the process (or the universe). FINALLY this week I found a way to shut myself up... I remembered the Chinese farmer story. I can NOT know if DJT being POTUS is a good or bad thing so how can I pray for his presidency to end already-maybe we NEED it to continue?

Did I lose you? Of course his presidency is bad what the hell could I be thinking? Yes it certainly SEEMS bad now. But what if I look at it like that farmer and shrug and say is it? What possible ways might it be good? 

Well clearly his first presidency wasn't enough to make many of us see who he was and what his intentions were. So we kinda needed him to get reelected, otherwise all that bullshit the first time would have been for nothing. At a year in he still has more support than makes any kind of sense, which validates my argument that he is still needed and that the universe sees that. He has changed many minds with his blatant corruption, greed, power grabs and general stupidity but still many MAGA cling to him. We can't have real change in this country until that number dwindles more. It will never be zero, hell it probably won't go below 25%. But when enough people have had enough we may finally get a country to be proud of. 

And I might add this isn't an attack just on the GOP, I believe that we needed to see how horribly the Democrats would respond so that we could demand better from them and demand better candidate. Mamdani is the good that came as a direct result of DJT. We could not have elected him if not for DJT and the Democrats shitty response to his attacks on our Constitution.  

Only a higher power could see what we needed to get to a better place not just in our country but also the world. So how does DJT prove this higher power exists?

Have you seen the man? His weight? His diet? His past drug use? His cankles? His hands? His clearly deteriorating mental health? He should be dead. I can't think of why someone like my 66 year old friend who was in much better physical condition is dead and this thing isn't. There are so many examples of people who should be alive and aren't while he continues somehow living despite his best attempts to kill himself with diet, no exercise and horrible sleep hygiene. Clearly he has a purpose that he has not served yet. I believe that purpose is to Make America Great...he just has no idea of what his role actually is. It is to open our minds and to focus our energies (not the inner kind) on taking our country back from the rich. WE THE PEOPLE are the answer, we were 250 years ago and we are today. Once we get to that magic 3.5% I think the universe will finally put that raging, whining bag of baby shit out of our collective miseries. 

And someday, my hope..no my belief is that we will look back and realize he was good for our country because if he hadn't come along when he did we may have ended up with someone younger, smarter and with actual charisma and they would have had years to accomplish what he couldn't. Remember Hitler didn't succeed the first time, if he had been old and decrepit like DJT he would have never gotten the second chance he needed.

DJT was the perfect man for the universe to bestow upon us. His long history of failure was exactly what we needed. The universe knew he wouldn't succeed and it gave us the foreshadowing so if we could just zoom out, we could see that he was a good thing, the perfect answer to changing the hearts of our nation...and the world...exposing the rich and greedy by making the dumbest, least successful one the leader of the free world. 

So I trust that when his job is done so will he be. And a generation will be safe against a threat like him because unfortunately people don't learn from history and it will repeat itself unless the universe steps in and gives a gentle vision into what our future would be if we kept standing idly by and not stopping the wannabe king.

Douchebags gonna douche

 I met someone this weekend (not for the first time but my first impression wasn't off, I can say that) who reminded me of what it's like to be in your 30's. Granted I am not the best at remembering the past accurately (and to be fair, from what I read, none of us are (see how I am learning to be kinder to myself!)). Anyway.... I do remember thinking I knew a lot more than I thought I did. I remember advice from my elders being taken with a shrug and a "Whatever old person, you don't know it all, I don't need your help". I had been in therapy for a few years and thought I had ample tools and knowledge to get by. I didn't by any means think I had all the answers and I am definitely wise enough now to know I never will, I'm hanging on to the hope that as many Near Death experiencers have reported that when we die..we will finally have all the answers, without even needing to ask a question. We just "know".

So back to this person...I'm going to try to keep my account genderless to protect...nah I don't think it works if I don't tell the whole story which does require gender in this case.... 

So it starts with hearing that this guy left his 6 year old in the car while he ran into a Home Depot  because the kid threw a fit and didn't want to go in- some supposed extenuating circumstances were used to defend the kid's behavior but does it really matter? He's six. 

I suppose I should mention that because of my first impression of this guy, I am probably...most likely.... definitely... lol... a little biased against him going into this story. He's a wealthy, very attractive white guy. And while some people find him charming, I see through the charm and feel arrogance, entitlement and yes privilege (why do I always want to put a d in that word??). So, yeah... you could say I'm not a fan. I am trying really hard to be stoic about him but I just find him unlikeable. 

Back to the story. So when confronted with the fact that all of us agree with his wife that the kid most definitely should not, in any way, for any reason, been left in the car  (though she seems to think a quick trip into a convenience store would have been ok --gotta disagree there too! Geez!)...anyway... he says, as if this makes it ok... "I left the windows down a little and gave him the keys" WTF?? How is that better???

He demands to know why we think it's a problem and what we think could happen... as his wife already pointed out, there's the whole kidnapping thing... but he dismisses that without even acknowledging it. He seems to think that because he TOLD the kid to stay put and not get in the front seat, all would be well. Now you don't know his kids, but I've had some experience with them---they don't exactly follow the rules, in fact there's been issues with relatives correcting them when they were acting out and it not being their place to do so...or as all parents know it as "being a kid". I point out that it's not legal and again he's very dismissive. I want so much to scream "Your white privilege is showing but bite my tongue". Letting it go seems the wiser choice since I rarely see this twat. But, as we all know, white men can never let shit go.

A bit later with the child in question in front of him, he brings it up again and asks the kid if HE felt like it was irresponsible for him to leave him in the car alone....WTF again. The fact that he is even seriously asking a SIX year old this is insane to me... and maybe I am the asshole here...should I post it on redditt and see? It's enough that everything feels surreal in this country right now but now I feel like I am in an alternate reality with parenting? How is this even a discussion? He feels the need to again mention leaving the keys with him (which again is NOT the flex he thinks it is) and has to name drop that it's a Tesla. Which in my mind makes it worse... I wouldn't leave anything I didn't want catching on fire in a Tesla unattended (ok maybe I am just being an asshole on this point, but Musk has done a lot of covering up the lawsuits against Tesla). At this point I finally make a white privilege comment. Because the reality is if his skin was a different color there would be many different potential outcomes here... especially in a  Home Depot parking lot in 2025 America. 

Anyway the point of my post is this guy thinks he has ALL the answers and what he doesn't realize (and I also never realized) is he isn't even asking the right questions! The difference is... I don't see him EVER realizing it. He'll just keep living in his privileged little bubble, being an obnoxious douche, buying his way out of whatever bad situations he does end up in..or his sons end up in... I just kept thinking of Brock Turner with this guy. Do I think he ever raped anyone? Honestly I couldn't say... do I think he'd believe he didn't even if he did...absolutely and I also know he'd never face consequences. I also know he will cover for his kids should they ever do wrong and how will they know right from wrong with him as a parent? After this conversation I heard him tell this kid ( a SIX year old) that the lesson here was to lie. But..get this... never tell the lie the first time to the person you are lying to. Make sure you perfect it first to sell it better. So if you have ever thought you are a horrible parent... remember this guy giving THIS advice to a SIX year old... what a fucking douche bag.

And that's the America we live in. I'd say most people at this party admire him, consider him successful and fall for his charisma. Not me... I define success by different metrics and he doesn't even come close to measuring up to my idea of success. 
I'll end with being stoic. It's not my job to judge his life, I am just so grateful that I am NOT him and I really feel bad for that kid.

 PS: I forgot this: When asked if he would do it again--Mr.Obnoxious replied "It's very rare that I run errands and certainly never with just one kid" And it was said in a very "That's beneath me" way. Again...thank God I am not him!

First they came for

 I'm not really in the mood to blog....the reason is a whole other blog (it's a good one, like I don't feel the need to dwell on stuff anymore, I am truly living in the moment...finally.. I'd like to blog about why I think I am finally able to do this... but I am too busy living in the now! lol I will try to find time soon... it's kind of interesting and still an experiment in progress, but it's been weeks of contentment and I love it!)

 

Ok... back to why I am here today. Alligator Alcatraz. I mean just the name tells you all you need to know. And, frankly, if you are someone who has seen photos of this "camp" and your instant reaction isn't WTF is happening in America... I really don't want anything to do with you. 

Just on the face of it it should be obvious how inhumane this is. And that SHOULD be enough to condemn it. Condemn everything that got us here. I get that people like to fall back on the "First they came for me.." spiel, but honestly... do we need to be reminded of the past to find THIS abhorrent? Do we need to care whether we could ever end up in place like this to understand the huge problem with accepting this as something the US should be doing?

I don't care if you are next on the list or last on the list or will never be on the list of people they come after once they have rounded up all the "illegal" immigrants. The list shouldn't matter. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE should be treated the way ICE (and our government) is treating people right now. 

Here's the thing, let's pretend they are getting violent criminals off the street (the facts show otherwise but let's just pretend for a moment)... without DUE PROCESS we have no idea IF they are violent criminals, that's how it works here in the US... well that's how our CONSTITUTION was written. So for all the MAGA that think we should just leave if we don't like it... how about YOU leave, you clearly don't like our system. Go ahead, get on a plane and go to a country that doesn't care if you are guilty but will lock you up in inhumane conditions anyway. That's not us, that's not how any decent HUMAN should think, let alone a patriotic American. 

Let's pretend some more. Let's pretend they are just abducting (that's what it is) the most vile criminals and that they are guilty and let's pretend that they were given due process and found guilty. I will still argue that our Constitution has a problem with putting them in cages surrounded by alligators. Again, if you don't like that that is not how we do things.. grab yourself a plane ticket and get the fuck out. You are no better than the criminals you want to see treated this way. Good people don't want to see bad people treated this way. They are dying in the detention centers we have now and this place is going to be so much worse. Our Constitution doesn't allow us to kill people this way. I oppose the death penalty ( I didn't always and that's certainly another lengthy blog that will probably never be written) and hate that there are legal ways for us to dispose of our unwanted members of society by killing them, but there are procedures to do that, rules that must be followed... alligators and dying from lack of medical attention isn't allowed.

You shouldn't need to know that they aren't just detaining criminals, or that it's not just "illegals" it should bother you simply because of the HOW not the why or who. It shouldn't matter that once this detention system is built..an expensive, for profit system.. that they will need to keep filling these places. There is no end. Eventually people will stop coming to America, legally or illegally and then who will they go after. Oh ..not you.. right? They are already coming after people who have legal status, birthright citizenship and they are talking about going after Americans who were born TO Americans but on foreign soil...as in our military families. You ok with that? You still safe? You should take a deep look into your soul if you still don't care because it won't affect you....not because you are probably wrong, yes, even if you are MAGA, one day they will find a reason to come after you, but if you have to wait until it's obvious they are coming... you aren't really any better than the people doing the detaining. It should matter RIGHT NOW. 

Here's the other thing, let's say you are in a group that they will never come after.. that's the REAL ICE...what about the imposters who are popping up.. you think you are safe from them? They are already robbing people...it won't be long til they are raping and killing too. And they will definitely not care who you are. It SHOULD bother you that we are letting masked people that don't need to identify themselves kidnap people in our country... legal or illegal... because now the real law enforcement has no idea who is a government authorized kidnapper and who is a criminal. But, again.. if this is why you are suddenly concerned... you need to look at yourself in the mirror and realize you aren't much better than the monsters "just doing their jobs". 

We've seen it before, we've wondered how it could have happened... and now we are watching it...and are we really going to wait for the mass murder to start before we stop it? Does it really have to play all the way out again? 

I just read a snippet in a book (Mark Manson "Everything is Fucked :A Book About Hope) about  Witold Pilecki. He infiltrated Auschwitz and was there quite a while (2 1/2 years!). When he started witnessing them killing Jewish people, he reported back to his contacts in the Polish government. They thought he was exaggerating, the things he reported were too horrific to be true. This is happening now. We are reading first hand accounts of people being detained in these places and we are what..numb to them?...don't believe them?...we certainly can't believe that a Canadian actress(https://www.npr.org/2025/04/02/nx-s1-5341465/jasmine-mooney-canadian-actress-ice-detention) is lying! The regime ( I refuse to call it an administration anymore) is now trying to stop unannounced visits to these places...how can we not see that for what it is? If the conditions aren't bad, why not allow the visits? 

I am horrified that our country has come to this. We all knew electing this felon would be bad for our country, we compared him to Hitler, and yes it seemed overly dramatic at the time... at what point do we make sure he won't go down in history as the next Hitler? How many more must die? (I've lost count how many have died now, it's in the teens)  Did speaking up too soon make us appear like we were crying wolf and no one is listening now?

 

And you might read this and think... she doesn't sound content. Well I have learned that stoicism doesn't mean not having any feelings well not being Stoic, with a capital S doesn't. You just learn how to identify what you can control and what matters to you and what you will do about it. I feel content because for one thing I believe that we are all here for a purpose and we are learning what each of us individually and collectively need to learn. I don't know WHY this is happening or why I get to live through this time but I know that in the end, everything will be as it should be. I don't believe death is our end, this time in our human skins is part of a much longer journey. I believe when I lay dying (or hopefully die peacefully unbeknownst to me!) that NONE of THIS will have mattered. It's not what I will think about. We get such a short time here, I really hate to waste. any of it even typing this, but I also understand the usefulness of it. If it stops me from ruminating and worrying about things that I have so little control over, then it was time well spent. Plus I did it outside while watching squirrels and bunnies and blue jays and cardinals and little white butterflies. Everything in this moment right NOW is perfect. And I have finally learned how to enjoy each of these individual perfect moments, in between whatever other moments may happen today. And I focus on those good ones and I smile and am content. I wish this peaceful feeling for everyone and if I could I would spread it to you! But that isn't in my control...it's in yours and you need to find your way to it, and it may look completely different than my path. 

 

Thanks for reading... and remember it's possible to feel peace AND fight for the world you want to live in!!  

For me

 This one's for me.

More of a public diary than a blog post.

I have been having moments of ... sadness? profound sadness. That hit me like a gut punch. I will be doing my thing...reading about stoicism, trying to practice it. Having gratitude for everything I have. Acknowledging how much I have. Way more than enough. And then... boom.... a gut punch of despair. Wanting to drop to my knees and cry. Yes, it's that powerful. I am not being dramatic. It's almost debilitating in it's strength. And the only thing that keeps me going is knowing... I have so much. Which can cause me guilt. Guilt at feeling so much pain without a reason. Thankfully I am capable of stopping that snowball but it doesn't always stop the physical symptoms. The brain fog, wooshiness from anxiety. 

I try to tell myself I am storytelling when I try to "reason" out why I am feeling these horrible moments. But, unfortunately, some of the stories are true. America IS a shit show right now. I remind myself of what I can do about that (not much, but I am doing the little that I can). And then there's all the other stuff that I can't do much about. My sister's son. My dad's grief. My friend's cancer. Whatever is going on with my cat. 

I know how bad worry is for us physically. I feel it. The stomach sickness, the tightness in my jaw and shoulders. I try meditating, I immerse myself with distractions. Right now I just want to go back to sleep to escape. I know that's not healthy. I'm just so mentally exhausted by all of it. And, yet... I remind myself.... MY LIFE is great. It's all of these other people who are experiencing the real stress. Mine is just worry. I know...I know.. worrying about loved ones is still a stress, it just feels so selfish... because it is. It's MY worry... I can't help them by worrying. It's wasted energy, doing nobody any good. It feels wrong to just go on being happy while they struggle. Even all the crap in America. Most of it won't affect me. Sure the healthcare stuff will, but even then I can afford to deal with it, it won't be what I want to spend my retirement money on. I may need to have to go back to work. But I'll be fine. So many won't. 

I sit hear listening to the birds chirp, it's a chilly rainy day, the squirrels don't care, the tomato plants love it. The air smells clean, Everything is green and beautiful. Life is good. For me. Right now. Right here. 

So why can't I let go of the tension in my shoulders?Why aren't the deep breaths relaxing me? Because I care... I care about my friend that I am about to call. The whole situation is replaying out the last months of my mom's life. It's too similar. But I remind myself I don't know what's going to happen (it yells back YES YOU DO!) No, no I don't. The reality is I could die before he does. No one knows. I don't know. I really don't. 

Not sure this was helpful... I guess it's the resistance causing the suffering. I am fighting so hard not to feel this way it's making me feel worse. Maybe I need to just allow myself a good cry and stop pretending I'm not afraid. Stop pretending I can avoid the pain. Stop pretending  I KNOW what's going to happen. Enjoy today. It's not easy but the alternative sucks... 

Enough is enough

 I just reread my Absurd post. I should read it once a week. It really does sum up my favorite parts of stoicism. 

My new favorite quote is "Nothing is enough for the person for whom enough is too little". I am guessing it's not an exact quote because I have seen it written a few different ways. I want something a little shorter that says the same thing so I can get it tattooed on my forearm, but so far it's just too long, I don't want that much ink! Epicurus said it. I guess I could skip the middle words... Nothing is enough if enough is too little. Still pretty long though!

I wrote my Absurd post right after the election. To say I underestimated how bad it would be is an understatement. HOLY SHIT! It has been unfucking real. We (the sane ones who are paying attention) joke that we want off this timeline, but seriously....it is surreal. So many are still tuned out to what's happening( in just over 100 days! )I don't even know where to start with what is the most outrageous stuff. 

I didn't really come here to rehash the horrible shit that is going on anyway. I came here to say none of it is new. Go back in history and you find rulers and politicians behaving the same way. You find the rich being greedy to the point it bites them in the ass. As much as I don't want to be living in a time that will make history books, I DO want to live to see the other side of this. I KNOW (and yes, I realize how wrong I often am) but I know that good always wins, light always defeats the dark. What I don't know is the time frame. Will this be the undoing of democracy in our country? How long until the people rise? How many will die? What will society look like afterwards? Will it end with a nuclear war?

I did a research study regarding my thoughts on the probability of a nuclear catastrophe. There were all kinds of scenarios, tons of information, questions about what I thought might trigger it. I think catastrophe was defined as affecting 50 million people (not necessarily killing them all at once). I put the chance of that happening at the lowest number they would allow it was like 2/100%. This was including human error, AI error, deliberate war...every scenario they could imagine. I can't remember the time frame, may have been the next 5 years, could have been 15, I just don't remember because I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. That was BEFORE the election. Now.... now it seems absolutely in the realm of possibility. This man is so profoundly incompetent, stupid, arrogant... I would say evil, but honestly I don't think it's evil as much as narcissism and greed. Greed for power, money and most of all to be admired. He just doesn't understand that the majority (yes it IS the majority) of people see him for who and what he is. A pathetic loser that fails at everything. The ONLY thing he has succeeded at is conning the most gullible among us and is that something to brag about? Not really.

Ugh...this wasn't supposed to be about him. This is supposed to be about wasted worrying. There is only so much I can do. And I am doing it. I am now officially an activist, by my definition and I assume the actual definition. I have been to every protest since our local chapter of Indivisible formed. I walk up to 3.5 miles one way to get there and then march another 1.5 miles chanting with them. I have led the march, with a megaphone. This isn't my comfort zone. But it's that important to me. I am now the volunteer who handles the submissions to our website. I approve the events and the advocacy actions to be displayed on our calendar. I have attended virtual town halls with our state leaders (every one of them). I write to them, I call them. I sign petitions. I share info on social media. I boycott. I am fighting back because that is what I can do. Whatever happens I won't ever feel like I sat back and ignored what was happening. This has helped me with my anxiety because I see that I am not alone. That this isn't Democrat vs Republican. It really is right vs. wrong. And I am not quiet. I won't attend a family function with MAGA present and make nice and pretend like I accept their "views". It stopped being about viewpoints a long time ago.  I don't want to be around people that I don't trust. And, frankly, I don't know whether these people would turn me in for a bounty, should he decide to come after people who protest his administration. What is their line? They haven't acted like there is one, so no, I won't pretend like we can "get along".

Phew.... where was I? Epicurus. That's my focus. Recognizing what IS enough and being satisfied with enough. That isn't to say that I don't indulge in things that are more than enough, I am just more cognizant when I do. For at least a decade, I have recognized needs from wants, and again...that doesn't mean I don't allow myself things that I don't need. I have plenty of stuff I don't need (hello Apple watch and silly flamingo band and 12 other various colored bands! lol). I just make sure I realize how fortunate I am. Gratitude goes hand in hand with the enough quote. Every day, multiple times a day, I reflect on what I am grateful for. That doesn't mean I don't have sad days still or unwarranted anxiety. I do. And I get frustrated and then I stop and remind myself of how ridiculous all of this is. Of how many times over the past 50 plus years I have wasted time worrying about stuff that seemed so important in that moment and now I can't even remember it. If only that was enough to make the sadness or the anxiety immediately leave....maybe someday. All I know (yes KNOW) is my life is immensely better because of all of the studying I have been doing. There is no end, I will practice stoicism and any other philosophies I come across every day until I die. And my life will be better for it.  

I recognize that the last paragraph was "enough" enough to get my point across. All the other stuff ...welcome to my brain where thinking is never enough...but over thinking is! lol

 

A reason for my current outrage?

 TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a sexual assault victim, this post may not be for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I was sexually assaulted.

 Four words. Pretty straight forward. Been driving me nuts for a while now. It has only been recently that I have even begun to acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted.

I still feel like a fraud saying it. Writing it. Thinking it. But I WAS sexually assaulted.

E Jean Carroll made me realize it. Not the MeToo movement, not the Bear in the woods question. I've always known I was sexually harassed. But never acknowledged that I was sexually assaulted too.

It's been over 40 years, maybe even over 45. (How can you NOT know? Shouldn't every detail be seared into your brain?) I STILL can't even say it without feeling like a fraud so why would I remember it with great detail? I mean I DO remember the event. The who, the where, the how but only a general idea of when. 

I was 10? 11? 12? I am not sure. It was summer. I was at the public pool and I won't name the boy who did it, because what the hell is the point now? I was hanging on the side of the pool. Recovering from having just been held under water for a scarily long time. He was just "playing". While I hung there, catching my breath and shaking, he came up behind me and inserted his finger in my vagina. As quickly as he did it, it was over. He made a comment that I suppose was meant to be derogatory, but in my adult state I realize it would actually be a compliment, but he delivered it with a sneer and mockingly. "You're so tight" the undertones being you're a virgin, what's wrong with you. Maybe that was just my brain. Boys were never interested in me, I felt ugly, bullying from both girls and boys about how underdeveloped I was for my age lowered my self esteem. Is this why I kept quiet? Why I never even thought about telling anyone? Was this attention better than no attention? I don't know. I wrote it in my diary at the time. My sister read it and made me feel ashamed about it (I do not hold this against her now, she was younger than me, I only mention it because I wonder if that added to my decision to just lock it away in the far corners of my brain and never revisit it.) 

That was it. That was "all" that happened. And you see how even today, a grown ass, confident woman who KNOWS that if someone else told me that happened to them I would call it sexual assault. And yet... here I am ... still downplaying it. Because he was just a kid... because it barely happened.... I wasn't "really" harmed by it.... . 

This thinking comes from living in a country where we never believe the victim, and when we do, we blame them. A country where the attacker (see? feels wrong to even call him an attacker) is made a SCOTUS judge, a POTUS... where we always talk about what girls should do to protect themselves but never about why we should make it clear to boys that THIS is unacceptable. and hold them accountable.

Is this why my anger at MAGA is so strong? Because these people don't care. They don't care that this man allegedly raped a child, that he was found guilty of assaulting E Jean Carroll. Where they call libtards pedophiles while ignoring the actual Matt Gaetz's and Pete Hegseth's in their party that are pedophiles or sexual assaulters!

I am still processing it...obviously. I have talked about it with a couple of people and I hoped writing about it would enable me to stop obsessing about why it had come to light now and what I should do with the memories. Pack them back up? What's there to do now? I think I just want to be able to say it without feeling like a fraud. If I say it enough I can forgive myself for not properly taking care of myself when it happened. I know my dad would have went ape shit. He nearly got arrested when a boy stole my books when I was walking home from elementary school, I can only imagine what he would have done to this boy. What about other girls? Surely I wasn't the only one. 

So here I am... the story told and I just don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts. It all seems so pointless now. I guess giving myself love and compassion is all I can do. 

Thank you for reading.

It's all just so absurd

 Well if I thought I felt unsafe before...how about now that my country failed us, and by us I don't mean the libtards, I mean ALL of us. They may not get it yet, but it won't be long until they do. His cabinet picks are beyond ridiculous, even by his standards. But that's not why I came here to write today. It isn't even about how glad I am that my previously mentioned friend reached out to me and we are speaking again. It's not about how I am not speaking with my SIL again (and it's NOT because she voted for TFG, it's how she handled his win and disrespecting my need for some time alone, forcing herself on me again and again, just as TFG would, it's like they just can't help themselves, they don't know any other way than bullying and manipulation and lying). 

I am up and down. Feeling hopeless, scared and then realizing it how nothing matters. In the end worry is ALWAYS a waste of time. It doesn't change the future, it certainly can't change the past. I am still reading, reading    reading. Unfortunately I need to read 24/7 to escape the thoughts that counteract everything I read. I KNOW I need to focus strictly on THIS moment. What is good about right now. I KNOW that. I do. And there comes my damn brain telling me this moment is going to end. Describing the future in great detail. All a story I am making up because I do not KNOW. Over and over again, everything I think is proven wrong..all the stories I tell myself...wrong... I am wrong way more often than I am right. And yet... I keep telling those stories and treating them like facts. To be fair and kind to myself...I am a million percent better at recognizing that and stopping it. And, even better, being kind to myself when I do. I used to beat myself up, hating myself for telling the stories and buying into them. The latest book I've read has really driven that point home. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Laugh at the stories, thank them for trying to "protect" you by preparing you for the worst. (Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics-Dan Harris). It has helped to be kinder. And I want to add a "but" here, to say I still do too much beating myself up, but that's not very kind, is it? I'll just stick with being satisfied that I am improving, whatever the pace is.

I saw a documentary on George Carlin and something he said gave me a new perspective. It's been years since I saw it and I am still trying to incorporate the perspective because it feels like a good way to approach my remaining years. I won't get it verbatim but it was something along the lines of he started treating his time on earth as a spectator. Watching the "movie" that is life and laughing at how serious we all take everything. And when you step back, really step all the way out of what we are all doing here, it really does seem completely hilarious. All of it. War, wealth, entertainment, day to day worries. It is all so absurd when you think about where we are all going to end up. Dead. None of us knows if there is something after death and even if there is, maybe even ESPECIALLY if there is, it only makes ALL of THIS absolutely ridiculous. After we are gone, will we care at all what job we did? what food we ate? what TV show we watched? what color our car is? how our clothes fit? what our hair looks like? How we died? How we lived? Even if there is something after this, I don't believe any of us will give one damn thought to anything we did while we were here. In my version of afterlife I don't believe we can have regret-of course, don't forget I am almost always wrong. Now my own personal beliefs are that it does matter because I think if we get this "wrong" (and what wrong means, I have no idea) we will have to come back and do it again. And I may tell myself that because I do not want to do this all again. And that's not to say I don't find joy in being alive but living with THIS brain is exhausting and I have to believe the afterlife is brainless, I want it to just be peace and I can't have peace and a brain. Well not this brain. And that's why I read. I do have some hope that one day it will all finally click and I can have peace. I read the words, I understand the how. I just need to do it. I feel like I am getting there. I have moments. And moments are better than nothing. I just have to keep putting those moments together, closer and closer. I know it's not possible for anyone (ok for most people, there's probably some freaks out there capable) to always be content without any moments of frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness. It's all part of life. Stoicism says to embrace them, to treat them like all the good moments, to use them to our advantage.

 My current book is The Obstacle is the Way-Ryan Holiday. I am trying to see how to use TFG's next presidency as the way, it certainly is an obstacle. I am only about 25 pages in, so I can't see it yet. But it's what prompted me to email my newly elected Senator. She's the first transgender woman elected to Congress and she's not receiving a friendly welcome from Nancy Mace. Trying to ban her from using the women's restroom at the Capitol. These people make me livid. So Mace is ok with having a rapist as POTUS, another child rapist (that's what Gaetz is, we can stop pretending sex with a 17 year old isn't child rape) in Congress but she can't stand the thought of a trans woman peeing in the stall next to her?? Make it make sense! I asked my senator what can I do to help her. I am tired of sitting idly by, raging while doing nothing. Surely we can all do more to stop this. We certainly can't rely on those in charge to do the right thing. They are still so worried about appearing "unfair" that they just keep letting injustices occur. We elected a fucking felon to our highest office and it seems only a few of us our outraged!

But doesn't that bring me full circle? When his second term is done (look he can't live forever...I didn't say it would be done in 4 years, because who knows anymore? Nothing makes sense.) and he is a distant memory (fingers crossed that I will still be here to see this) will any of this outrage, fear or worry be remembered or matter? The Stoics remind us that all of this has been done before, none of it is new to us. Not corrupt leaders, not pandemics. None of it. We aren't special, it's all been done before and clearly we don't remember it because we keep repeating the same stupid mistakes. And when we are laying on our death bed, won't it all seem trivial, irrelevant and even absurd? 

And I think that's a fine place to close....because I think I brought my "weave" back to where I wanted to be. And, yes, I laugh at him because I still can and I am tired of being scared of a weak, pathetic conman who is in the early stages of cognitive decline (who knows, maybe midway). If I fall out a window to my death...you'll know who did it, especially since I live in rancher... I crack myself up... when I am not overthinking!

Feeling scared

Me and my rambling mind suddenly at a loss for words, not the first time in the past few weeks. I don't know where to start with why I am afraid.

I decided to reach out to my friend that "ghosted" me in 2021. I don't remember if I had written about it..I mean I have dozens of times in the wee hours of the morning when sleep evaded me, but only in my head. Long story short, I believe it was due to a misunderstanding about a post the hubby wrote on fb. I knew nothing of the post and hubby wrote it when feeling annoyed by the slow rollout of COVID vaccines, at a time when my health was in question and my anxiety sky high. He talked of an article about people jumping the line to get the vaccine, he was frustrated with the many unanswered questions about what was going on with my health (now I attribute it to long COVID, because all tests came back good and the symptoms are gone (except the tinnitus, which comes back and lasts for months after I get COVID)) Can I double parentheses?? Well I did! Anyway this friend had gotten the vaccine and we had no clue how he was able to "jump the line". Turns out we may have been wrong about that but not due to any fault on our part. Wait...where was I?? 

Oh right so after years of not speaking I reached out and a whole lotta of debating (with myself). Without my mom to offer advice, I was left with no other choice. The hubby was still very much on the don't do it side of the argument. But that just isn't me. I've said it before and I guess it's true. At my core I don't do grudges...that's not to say I forget but I am very prone to forgiving. It just doesn't feel good to me and my soul to be any other way. I think it's because I would like the same grace from others that I have wronged, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I am not perfect and I certainly stick my foot in my mouth more than my fair share. I won't say I never intentionally hurt people but it is rare that I do, other than if I am in a complete rage, which I am thankful to report happens much less frequently now that I have been studying stoicism. Dammit....did I ramble....guess I have more words than I thought...or I am avoiding what I really came to write about....yup that's it....

Ok say I wrote a fb message, not knowing if I was blocked but having deleted his phone number, I didn't really have another way to reach out. I simply stated that I was sorry to hear of recent health troubles with him and his husband and that I was sending good thoughts to them. (Side note: he was diagnosed with cancer the same time my mom was and although a friend had told me then. I just didn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with them both going through treatment, especially since I wasn't even sure he'd be receptive to hearing from me (and I couldn't deal with that either)) More double parentheses?? I ramble more than the orange turd does! Yup. I am still avoiding... so anyway on top of still going through chemo 2 1/2 years later, his husband ends up with some serious blood clots that put him in the ICU. Again, I thought about reaching out, but I was dealing with more drama....trying to find a house, because Dad decided he wanted his house back. Excuses, excuses. 

So then I find out (because he's messaging my dad) that he's starting his 3rd round of chemo and something shifts in me. It happened at the same time I found out my uncle(and godfather) had been in a coma for a month (don't ask why no one let us know) and also the Helene mess in TN and NC. My empathy meter was on overflow and I was crying a lot watching videos and reading stories. You probably won't remember that a mass shooting was what prompted me to extend an olive branch the last time this same friendship had been on hiatus, but I guess that stuff just makes me realize how trivial disagreements are in the grand scheme of things. So that's how I ended up sending the message. I wasn't sure at all how he would respond or if he would. He is the king of holding grudges (according to his husband). I thought maybe cancer and mortality might change him. I still can't answer that, but I did get a "Thank you". 

So why do I feel the need to write today and think that I am at a loss for words?

My uncle died today. I had made plans to visit him tomorrow. He was nonverbal, unresponsive but I was going more for my aunt because I know first hand how hard hospice is. I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about whether to go, the reasons again seem so trivial now. In the end I decided to focus on who he was and how he treated me when I was growing up and that's what made me decide to go. Unfortunately, the indecisiveness meant I didn't make it in time. 

And that brings me back to my friend. There's a huge cowardly part of me that doesn't want him back in my life because I am very afraid he's going to die and I don't want to go through that pain...and then there's the realistic part of me that knows it's going to hurt any way. It isn't even really up to me if we talk again, it's his choice. But I do know I could do more, be more persistent by reaching out again. And that's where I am right now... stuck    indecisive    speechless   

Stoicism reminds me that we really don't control anything other than our reactions. Whatever I do or don't do isn't going to change whether he beats the cancer. Hell I don't even know if I will die before him from something completely out of the blue. I control nothing...except how I react to these things. I can reach out again but I can't control HIS reaction. Only my reaction to however he chooses to react. And maybe that's too scary.... the stoicism book I am reading now focuses on courage, it's actually why I reached out in the first place. It said we can use fear to guide us in decision making, because often times the thing we fear is the path we should be taking. And I was very scared of reaching out. Rejection sucks.

I'm still so scared of everything, I haven't really regained my safety from 7 years ago to the day. This was the day I discovered my husband's infidelity and I haven't truly felt safe anywhere or with anyone since. I was getting there...and then my world was disrupted by cancer...lots of cancer, it wasn't just my mom or this friend, there were others (who have thankfully survived) and others who died from other causes (way too young). The political climate in this country has caused me to feel unsafe. The mass shootings that continue. The crazy weather we are experiencing. All of it causes anxiety. And that's why I keep plodding away with stoicism. Reminding myself that we will all die and there's only so much we can control and that worry is a waste of time and energy, it changes nothing. And yet I still get scared. often.

Focusing on gratitudes has been extremely helpful to me. Stoicism is a lifesaver. I certainly spend too much time worrying but honestly I am doing so much better than I have been. I spend a lot of time relaxing, feeling joy even. I am content for the most part. I just have these little bumps in the road where I like to reevaluate and make sure that what I am doing coincides with Memento Mori. Remembering that I will die and I need to do what is important to me now, sometimes it just takes some deep thinking to figure out what is important. And he is important.

Will I reach out again? I don't know. I am not sure it's will help with this helpless, scared feeling I have when I think of him. I know I don't want him to die. And I guess I want to make sure I let him know that I love him and I hope that I don't remain indecisive too long. 

After all of this I still keep lying to myself and saying it will hurt less if our relationship stays as it is now...but I know you know that I know it won't.

9/11 hit harder this year- why?

 I started seeing the memes on 9/10, but I had been thinking about it, mostly in the back of my mind, for days. However when tears started to flow re-reading the story of Brian Sweeney's voicemail to his wife, I was a little surprised. It came in my email from Daily Stoic, I'll add a link at the end (memory allowing! lol). I just can't read the transcript of that voicemail without tearing up, as the Daily Stoic points out, it's full of love, no fear, no anger, just love. It's just so beautiful.

It reminded me of how most Americans came together that day and in the weeks after. I say most because I am sure our Muslim community didn't feel the same, as Americans (and to be fair, most humans) are prone to do, many still had us/them mentality. Many of us can't separate the actions of a few members of a community from the community itself. But the rest of America was united and it felt good. There's safety in numbers, right? We lack that now. The country is so divided and we can't even agree on who to blame for that. MAGA would have you believe it's the Democrats, but all you have to do is listen to the words coming out of each side....whose words are full of hope of a better future? whose works look to the past and are full of attacks and grievances? Who speaks highly of America and what we are capable of? Who calls us a third world country? 

I'll never consider "woke" an insult. They can't even define woke. To me woke is understanding that EVERYONE is entitled to the same freedoms, to love who they want, to marry who they want, to have the right to make decisions about their body, to not use racist language, to be kind to everyone regardless of what God they worship or if they don't worship at all, to understand that minorities have different experiences than white males, to not want to die in a mass shooting because we can't make laws stating not everyone should be allowed to own a gun. 

It is mind boggling that the people who claim they want small government are ok with banning books but not ok banning domestic abusers from owning guns. It's mind boggling that people claim to be Christian while villifying homeless people and immigrants (pretty sure Jesus was both). 

I am writing this and wondering about the pointlessness of it all. There's literally 30% (hopefully not more) of Americans that are unreachable. They worship a liar. They worship a con man. They idolize a rapist, adulterer, fraudster and just a generally nasty, angry, unintelligent man. They watch him and see something that is completely different than what the rest of us see. How do you get through to them? Will anything open their eyes? I don't think so and yet so many of the most outspoken against him did vote for him in 2016, they then saw him for what he is...why can't the rest see it?

I'd like to say that I am sure Kamala Harris will crush him in this election, I know she'll win the popular vote in a landslide, but unfortunately, the archaic (and racist, look up the true history) electoral college can fuck it all up, as it has done many times. But even if she wins, where do we go from there? He needs to be held accountable for all of the crimes he's been indicted for, but that just keeps him in the news cycle and will further enrage his base.

I can tell you I have never felt threatened walking past a Haitan, no worry that they will eat my cats....but walking past an insanely Trump decorated house last night, I did have fear, yes it was an elderly person sitting out front, but these people have guns and are unhinged. You can't be sane and have over 30 home made signs about the Deep State and how wonderful Trump is in your front yard and NOT be unhinged. The scariest group of people in this country are not "illegals", it's young white men..and middle aged white men as a close second, followed by old white men. These are the people committing the crimes DonOLD speaks of, hell, it's the guy who (allegedly) shot him. 

My idea of making America great again is to go back to when people didn't idolize a former POTUS, when in history has someone ever idolized a political figure to this extent? There is no going back, there's only forward and that's why I love Kamala's (and I mean no disrespect when I use her first name, I want to say Harris, but she's just so approachable (with that laugh they hate, and the facial expressions we can all relate to) she feels like someone who would WANT you to call her by her first name (and pronounce it correctly for fuck's sake, it's not that hard!) where was I? oh yeah that's why I love her message, she doesn't need to go high when they go low, she just wants to go forward, while they want to go back and this....motherfucker....isn't capable of seeing that that is what most Americans also want. I guarantee you that even the undecided (how are you undecided????) agree that we want to put this chapter behind us, we are all exhausted by this narcissistic asshole. We're tired of us his ugliness, inside and out. 

I'm not sure I even made the point I wanted to make but hey I never promised not to ramble...and here's the link -- I remembered!! lol

https://dailystoic.com/this-is-the-antidote/

The value of reflection

 I've mentioned before I often write blogs in my head when I am trying to fall asleep. This is a recurrent one so it's time to try to put it into written words...without too much rambling I hope. (HAH, that will be a miracle).

It all started with thinking about the many things we do for the last time....almost always unknowingly. I'll give examples in a minute. It then turned into going back and thinking of all of those things and somehow turned into just plain reflecting about who I was and how I evolved morally, ethically, personality, etc. To realizing, after A LOT of reflection, that at the core I have been the person that I thought I was "trying" to be. Confused, yet? lol Hang in there...could be a while to get through all of this!

So even before my mom died I had had this conversation: how often do we do stuff for the very last time ever and have no idea when we are doing it that it will be THE LAST time? And if we had known, would we have paid a little more attention? savored the moment more? documented it differently? Some of my examples you may argue don't HAVE to be my last time. Like water skiing. But realistically...I just don't see it ever happening again. Sure, if it was that important to me, I would find a way, but I guess it just isn't, despite the fact I did really enjoy it when I did it. Same with snow skiing. I've even considered doing it again as recently as just a few years ago, but I come up with sooo many reasons NOT to, so do I really even want to? But there's even smaller things, it came up with my mom about not sitting on public toilet seats (squatting!). Nine months before she died, we met at a public park and went to a super gross public restroom. I commented this was a big argument for minimally staying in shape enough to never be forced to sit on a public seat and she said she was still able to squat, but I am sure there may come a day when I can't, despite trying to make sure otherwise! (yes the inner workings on my mind are super strange....hello, have you been reading this blog for the past few years??!?!?).

Since this conversation, I am trying to be more aware of stuff that may be the last time, but realistically there are just so many things that are unknown, some super unimportant and others that could turn out to be really important. Some completely out of our control. My recent rotator cuff injury(apparently just due to aging-I didn't actually DO anything to injure it) highlighted that, when shaving under my left arm became almost(I could do it with a little help from the hubby) impossible, with or without pain. (you gotta love my examples!) But to my surprise after over a year of gradual decline in range of motion and increase in pain and at first just doing at home internet researched PT, it did improve and I was even going to actually see a doctor...surprise! Going snorkeling in the Caribbean cured it...like 100%! At first I was just pain free and about 90% range of motion but after returning home I got ALL of my range back and hallelujah, I can shave both underarms again all by myself! (I know this knowledge makes your day! lol) As suspected I have digressed because this was not part of my blog plan! The point is I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to shave under my arm, certainly no idea at the level of gratitude I would have to regain my range of motion. It's been 6 weeks and I still just get moments of intense gratitude that I won't be living with that annoyance (pain wasn't terrible or constant) forever. 

I wonder about things like will this be the last time I get in the ocean? We drive to the ports now...will I fly again? I mean, sure, most likely, because there are so many places I still want to see but...that doesn't mean I will get to. Sometimes we just don't know. 

There are many people that I now realize I will probably never see again, some it saddens me, some make me shrug, eh whatever, I consider myself lucky that I don't feel relief about never having to see anyone ...well for the most part, there are definitely some I'd rather not have to see, but with my continued success in embracing stoicism, it really just is more of a whatever!

So, yeah...that's a big thing for me now. Looking at things through the lens of "Will this be the last time?" On planning our upcoming cruise, we want to see some ruins and instead of just picking between two choices, I really put thought into it. One was a 2 hour drive and the other only one hour. We don't like wasting so much time on a bus and were really leaning towards the closer one, despite the farther one being slightly better in a few ways (more to climb on, less tourists). Thanks to my new way of thinking I realized I (or hubby) may NOT be able to climb IF  we even return to this port, heck I may not even be able to handle a 2 hour bus ride! Better to do what I can do while I can do it, than to assume both options with ever be an option again. It isn't living in the future, it's living in the now, and accepting that Memento Mori Memento Vivere way of thinking (remember we will die, remember to live). Or Nike..Just Do It. lol

So I think I beat that horse, you get the idea, I hope. I mean the list of things you've done for the last time is endless. I can't see myself ever playing badminton again, doing a handstand off of a diving board, roller skating! Again, if it was important, sure I could, but would I have paid a bit more attention that last time, had I known?

Next up was thinking about who, what event, when, why...did I decide to start this self discovery journey. I was quick to credit a whole bunch of ladies that I had met in California. And I will not downplay the role they had in kickstarting me back to who I was, they were pivotal! But I realized it was never really about becoming like them, it was finding my way back to being like them. I had been them. So when? I started reflecting and every time I thought I had found the moment, I realized I had to go back even farther. I made it all the way back to elementary school. I had always been the person I longed to be. I have always been a helper, a volunteer, a giver. That's not to say I hadn't got lost along the way, I did. But never as I lost as I thought. I won't retrace all the "good" I have done, it feels like patting myself on the back but the value I got from doing that reflection is so worth the time I put into it. I highly recommend it. I bet you too will find that the world has jaded you into buying into other people's perceptions of you or even causing you to stray from who you really are at heart. Because I still believe ALL of us (yes ALL of us) deep (some maybe too deep to ever access in this lifetime) are full of good energy. I am sure I have mentioned I am not one for organized religion, but one thing most religions talk about is God (by whatever name they use) is within all of us and that's what I mean when I say we are all good, we are all the same energy, created from one source, a good source, the source we will all return to one day. It is only this skin, this body, this ego that we inhabit that tarnishes, or buries that knowledge, clinging to beliefs completely contrary to why we were created...dammit...I am digressing again....that is an entire blog topic of my beliefs there.

So back to my reflection. I allowed myself to become cynical and in doing so started attracting negativity in the forms of people that would turn out to be influencing the parts of me that worked against that goodness. And despite those influences I still at my core couldn't fight the need to do good. I still gravitated towards my volunteer, helpful nature. And because of that was getting more and more of the "right" people into my life. I'm sure skeptics will call it coincidence, many don't believe in The Secret or of manifesting or the idea of attracting good into your life, but my circle kept getting bigger and bigger, the people I needed kept coming along and showing me the way, and not by anything other than being themselves, I could name them all, but I hope I have made it clear to them who they are. The very first one runs a fb group, she has a huge heart and led me to many of the others (shout out to my favorite fb inspirational meme poster I met through weeding! and to the woman who inspired me, with her huge commitment to the American Cancer Society to start volunteering for people charities instead of just animals!), either directly or indirectly. The most recent I stumbled upon because of a random article talking about a cat cafe she was going to be opening in Palm Springs. She had so many problems getting location, permits, etc and because of that her and her partner started some self help live video series to spread their stories about mental health struggles and that's how I found stoicism! These 4 women (and a few more I also met while in California) were instrumental in leading me back to my roots, of course until recently I didn't even consider it leading me back, I thought of them as inspiring me to be better. All of them are responsible for this self awareness journey I ended up on. All I had intended was to give a little more of myself but through the journey have learned I have been giving all along. 

Because I am my own worst critic, I have downplayed my true nature, overexagerated how "bad" I was (due in part to the negative people who didn't want me to see my good and wanted to encourage my bad and they succeeded in making me feel like I did when being bullied in middle school, and instead of learning to love myself and be kind to myself, I was back to being that cynical "mean" version I had painted myself as.)The reflection back to childhood was useful in realizing how important self love is, it's ok to be proud of myself. I am the best version of myself when I love myself, I have more to give and through giving I gain. It's a wonderful cycle. I posted today on fb about light and without digressing too much: where there is light the dark can NOT survive. The definition of light is everything good, everything positive. If I am kind, the anger of others is dissolved, to respond with anger is to respond with darkness and their darkness will not go away if I bring darkness. I may not always have enough light to banish their darkness from them, but I can have enough light within to not allow their darkness to destroy the light I do have. I will fail. It is all part of life, part of the learning process. I am so much farther along than I have ever been at rejecting anger from people without responding.

At some point I may reflect on how I attracted the negative people, what attraction there was to them, why didn't I see the negativity and run? My mom believed they had a purpose but didn't share her ideas on what it may have been. I did write a "head" blog one night about some of these people. Temporary title was to be along the lines of "they think they live rent free in my head but in reality it's ROYALTY CHECK free", as in they aren't getting paid for the work I USE them for. They were invaluable in getting me to where I am, why would I want to give them up? They are as useful as role models through their "bad" examples as are the "good" influences. But that, too, is a LONG blog for another day...maybe. Or maybe I just take their lessons and move on. I feel like if I wrote it correctly it may help others to also use  people that have hurt them, instead of focusing on the pain, find the purpose they may have served, the lessons to learn from them. As,I think it was Marcus Aurelius, says, one way to look at it is that to expect a lion to act other than a lion is a foolish expectation, it is their role to do what a lion will do, the same goes for some people, the agitators, the assholes all of them have a role to be angry at them or to hate them for behaving how they were created is a waste of energy, just instead be GLAD that this wasn't the role you were created for. (I did lots of paraphrasing there and skimming over his beliefs that we were all put here for purposes unknown to us and it takes a bit of reading to understand how their "bad nature" and purpose can seem contrary to all of us being "good"). I really like the easy way of just saying "Thank God (or whatever higher power) I don't have to live like THAT!I'm glad I am ME!" Do any of us want to be born to be someone else's "asshole"? Most of us would prefer to be inspirational but minimally not thought of as a dick.

The last few years spent reading and reading and reading have opened my eyes to so much of why I do what I do, why others may behave their ways (and why that doesn't need to concern me at all), why I need to keep reading. It is too easy to forget the lessons, even if I try to practice them every day. I need reinforcement, reminders, we all do. My journaling now consists of reflections about my day, what lessons I succeeded at, where I could do better, which ones I need to reread. And also daily gratitudes, I try to not repeat them, some days it's remarkably easy to list a bunch of gratitudes, other days are a real struggle, those days I spend more time reflecting. Reflecting on why it is so difficult this day to be grateful, when I KNOW I have countless things to be grateful for.

The goal needs to be that there isn't an attainable goal, we should always be working towards something, it truly is about the journey and the journey continues til the end. As the days approach quickly to getting fiberoptic internet (only 3!) the thing I look forward to most is taking more courses on Coursera. I never want to stop learning, about me, our brains, anything new! 

My current focus is learning when to just keep my opinion to myself, the real work is to learn I don't need to have ANY opinion on most of the things I have opinions on. There's a balance, especially in the world we live in, some things require an opinion, because to sit idly by is to condone shit that needs to be called out, I won't be complicit through silence. More often than not though, my opinion is not required on most mundane matters, and this is where I shall start. It, as with most of this stuff, is so much easier said than done. Requires a lot of self awareness, sometimes reflection on where my opinion started, why I have the opinion and then whether it is even required.

And so I will go on reflecting and learning. And living, while dying. Memento Mori Memento Vivere.

Happy New Year

 Once again it's been far too long since I have blogged. The good news is I am doing even better than my last blog, which I just finished reading and think it was pretty accurate in reflecting exactly how I was feeling at the time, sometimes I think I don't do a good job of getting the meaning I intended to come through, hence the word "rambling" in my blog heading.

We just got back from doing a 16 day holiday cruise, a repeat on the same ship we did last year for the holidays with a whole new itinerary. This year's cruise was so much easier for me. I had moments of forgetting (or being unable to) live in the now, due to some stuff I learned was happening at home with my uncle, the cat sitter. But I finally accepted that there wasn't a damn thing I could do way down in the southern Caribbean. And it didn't take me long at all to get there. Stoicism is truly amazing when practiced daily. It has become so much easier to get myself away from useless, destructive thinking. Hallelujah! lol

Don't get me wrong I still struggle, but it is on such a different level now. I am so quick to get myself back on track, the wallowing is minimal. A lot has happened since August. I saw a woman who calls herself an intuitive guide and helps you with releasing emotions. Was supposed to be 45 minutes, was well past an hour and lots of tears were shed but though it was kind of a blur afterwards to remember the details of everything that was said I absolutely left feeling better. She mostly does this through zoom calls, but because of internet issues still being a problem here, she allowed me to come see her at her apartment. I will attempt to post a link to her fb, she is also on instagram if you don't do fb. https://www.facebook.com/TinaMarieHMG

I am still reading a lot! One particularly good book I found useful was How to Change by Katy Milkman. I often blur messages I get from books together when I read them back to back but what stood out for me from this one is when you make the changes you want, it is imperative to understand that the work isn't done. You must be diligent in making sure you don't back slide. She gives great pointers on not only how to change but how to keep a look out for obstacles that may come up and cause you to falter on your journey or cause you to back slide. 

I'm still very flexible as to where my path will lead me this year but I feel like my time in Tennessee may be coming to an end sooner than I may have originally thought, I accept that this is just a thought and may have zero basis in what actually happens. I am keeping my eyes open for signs and trying to listen to myself as to what I want for the future. Right now, at THIS moment, here still feels right, so I will live in the now and find ways to enjoy the present (despite the scary weather (we had a tornado within a 1/2 mile of our mobile home and currently are getting reading for some near zero temps, ewww!!)).

Sometimes I don't feel our presence here is helping my dad and then he will surprise me with appearing to be in a better mood than I anticipate (unfortunately he will also make statements completely 180 from what his outward mood seems to be, as a fellow sufferer of depression, I am well aware of how easy it is to fool people, but I am also aware that I have often felt good but my brain would fight it by making statements to the contrary, almost as if to lure me back to the dark side, so I am not really sure how he actually feels and realize maybe he isn't either. I am sure there is a lot of guilt any time he thinks he feels better, he doesn't want the world to think he isn't still grieving my mom or that he's gotten over it). While I question if we are helping at all, I do still wonder how bad it would be if we weren't, he struggles to find any thing to distract him and I have a feeling alcohol's temptation would be completely irresistable. I know he still has the desire to live and to try to figure out how to do that without her. I wish I had the answers, I also know it isn't' a problem that someone else can solve for him.

I go through times where my flashbacks to my mom are good, just her smile, her laugh and then times where I see the details of her last 2 weeks so clearly that I still wonder how any of us are coping at all. It truly was that horrific. Sometimes I think I am just fine and then hot tears stream down my face, literally out of nowhere, with the thoughts following the tears instead of prompting them. I've become so much more aware of my emotional responses that I have wondered why it is that the tears that hit you by surprise are always so hot. Maybe it's just me, but I definitely notice a difference in my tears, how they flow, the temperature, how hard it can be to stop them when they hit you in the gut out of nowhere. I wonder if this is something that will be with me the rest of my life or if like the pain of my husband's betrayal will eventually just cause a momentary catch in my breath and I will be able to stop the full emotional reaction before it gets to the point of tears and pain.

Through all of this my husband has been there, a constant example of how to live in the now, how to find good in every day, how to relax, how to be grateful. We are so good for each other, or at least I hope I have something to offer him, more than just my love and loyalty. I think I still give him examples of things he can do to continue to better himself, though I struggle to think of anything right now. lol He has definitely been the one carrying the load for the past 18 months. I know I have gotten to the place I am so much more quickly because of him, he is always there to gently remind me when I falter. Even just a simple, "Maybe you need to be reading more" is enough to remind me of the stoic principles I often forget to apply when I am faced with a difficult situation. His patience is endless. 

What will 2024 bring? It doesn't matter, I am here for all of it. I am strong enough to handle the "bad" and smart enough to know the "good" won't last either. Life is a roller coaster, I'm here for the ride, taking a front seat by continuing to work on myself so that what control is offered to me I will be able to accept instead of hiding from it, waiting for the storm to pass, I want to be right there fighting my through to get to the other side. The Serenity Prayer has developed a much deeper meaning for me. Acceptance and courage and of course wisdom! 

I am tempted to make a resolution but that kind of flies in the face of living in the now. Each moment I will decide what needs to be done to make that moment a good one and hopefully those decisions will then lead to future good ones. (like losing the 5.5 pounds I gained on the cruise!! lol)

Stoicism in a nutshell

 I can't believe it's been almost a year since I have written. I write blogs in my head all of the time....at 1 and 2 in the morning. I know I could just write instead of laying there but I wear contacts and can't see to write on my laptop with glasses, so by the time I realize I won't be sleeping, I am already "blind". I like blogging because sometimes that stuff in my head is really helpful and since I am thinking it right before sleep I often don't remember my nuggets of wisdom the next time I need them. Then I have to re-remember how to handle whatever it is I was dwelling on that was interrupting my sleep.

I have been doing so much "work" on myself and I do feel it's helping and I want to write a "but" right now but some smart dude on twitter wrote a really good post about how if you stop using "but" and use "and" instead it can change your mindset, so I have gotten to the point where I notice the "but" and  (see that--no "but"!) yet I still struggle with using "and". I think the whole point was that "but"'s focus on the things you aren't doing instead of the things you ARE doing...

We just passed the year mark of living in Tennessee. And the 13 month mark of my mom's death. I have so many thoughts on grief and grief advice but that's like an entire blog or more alone.

Today I just wanted to get something out there about where I am mentally. I am finding stoicism incredibly helpful and (stopped myself from the but!) at the same time it is hard for me to remember the things I need most when I need them the most. My bad days are when I need to remember the many tidbits of useful advice, I do find the time between forgetting and then remembering is getting shorter (often thanks to reminders from my husband). In other words, I don't stay down long enough to get truly depressed anymore. I do get stuck in anger a little longer than I'd like. I know this is a journey I will be on until the day I die. I was born with a brain that leans toward negativity but (I think this is a good "but" so I will let it stay) I also very much believe that I, alone, have the power to change that. I believe it's possible, I also believe it's not easy, I'm not one to quit so I have faith I will get there.

Some of my favorite things I have learned come from The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav and his follow up book The Heart of the Soul. He has a unique take on why we are here. He calls it Earth School. And there is no failing. Everything we encounter is a lesson meant just for us. And if I am getting the right message, what we need to learn is that the only power that matters is found within us, external power is just a distraction. Again, this would take a blog (or a book!) to explain fully. 

When I look at my life and everything that happens as lessons, it's a little easier to accept things I don't like. And stoicism really helps with that too. Things aren't good or bad, by themselves. It's us who assigns those labels. (Many examples are given to illustrate how true this is, if you don't look at things from a personal perspective, it's much easier to see that.) Stoicism also reminds me that we can only control what we can control and one thing we ALWAYS control is our reaction to things/people. We don't have to react any particular way. We don't have to get angry, hurt, sad when someone "wrongs" us. And if we do (we are human after all) we don't have to stay with that reaction, we can recognize it and even analyze it to see what we are really feeling and it usually comes back to fear. I have been doing A LOT of work on being more emotionally aware and I have found lots of fear behind many emotions that I didn't initially perceive as fear.

I think my good days far outweigh my bad days (no!! NO "BUT") see...I can't find a way to say "and" here so I will just stop there...my good days outweigh my bad days...and when I have a bad day, I am quicker to "check" myself and remember the progress I continue making. 

My goal is no longer to be happy, I realize that's a completely unrealistic goal..NO ONE is always HAPPY, but (yes but!) I can learn to ALWAYS be at peace with whatever is going on, by accepting that even when I don't feel "happy" I can live with whatever I am feeling knowing that it is something that I can learn from and that it is only temporary. Another stoicism: nothing lasts;good or bad, change is always happening.

And most of all I am still trying....try, try, trying to live in the NOW, I do believe that is the key to being successful in my journey--be present right here, right now for the good, the bad, the boring, the exciting, the whatever because now is the only thing we are guaranteed.

Huberman grief recovery

 I listened to Huberman's podcast on Grief again. The first time was just before or after my mom died, I don't remember exactly as much of that time is a blur. I only watched about half of it, his podcasts are almost 2 hours long and his info can be a bit overwhelming. I love knowing the science behind stuff but he (like me!) tends to digress a lot. He also delves WAY into detail, which again I like but 2 hours is a long time for me to just listen to something. 

So now that I have had some time to digest it, I am going to Cliff Notes it, not just for you, but for me to refer back to when I find myself falling back into unhealthy, or rather unhelpful, ways of grieving.

I am going to preface this with the usual, there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve. We all grieve differently. His podcast is about the most "adaptive" way to grieve and from what I gather what he means by that is there are some things you can do to aid in moving the grief process along to a less painful place. And there are ways that may prolong the amount of pain or the intensity of that pain. It is up to the individual if they are content to wallow or if they want to feel better, no judging going on by him or me, just providing info if you want to feel better.

When we lose someone (or a pet or thing, as he points out nearly every time thus making the podcast longer than it had to be...maybe just state in the beginning that he's talking about all grief, not just the loss of a person) the grief we feel is proportional to our connection to them. Which seems quite obvious, right? It's also related to how often you saw them and your physical distance from them. He refers to these 3 aspects frequently. Space, time and closeness. He goes into great depth on the scientific reasons for how his tip on making recovery less painful is supported by research. I'll spare you all of the mumbo jumbo and sum it up by saying our brains have different storage places and pathways for memories for loved ones. He states that the pain we feel when we lose someone is because of a yearning for something we can never have. It's the brain "reaching" for something, he compares it to being thirsty and a glass of water is just out of your reach and that you ache, feel frustrated, feel anguish...because you can not get to it. It's the same type of neural pathway for the loss of a loved one. It's unquenchable. So how do we deal with that? 

He says we must not deny the depth of our connection to the person, we  must not lie to ourselves that they weren't THAT important and try to move on too quickly. Though that may seem like an effective way, it doesn't really work. Instead we should spend as much time as we are mentally able (5- 30 or even 45 minutes every day or every other day) actively thinking about how important this person was to us....BUT....not by remembering the past. This is the key, and obviously very difficult thing to do. I have been trying to figure out how you think of someone and NOT think about a memory of them, it seems natural and the only way but it isn't. To lessen your pain, lessen your grief, we must create a separation of our love for them from our memory of them. What happens in our brain, proven by MRI's, is that when we think of them through memories our brain starts trying to figure out when and where we will see them again...which is what causes the yearning and thus the pain, because it can't answer those questions, it's an endless reaching. If we can think of our love for them and create a new place and time for when we will see them that yearning will be satisfied. He calls this remapping our relationship to them. We literally need to remap what our brain does when this person comes to mind. I can picture it in my mind as, I think of my mom and remember her smile at a particular event and my brain sees her image and starts a search, a never ending quest for when and where I will get to see her smile like that again, and, of course, the answer is I won't. So I have to create a new path for my brain, I think of my mom's smile and it makes me remember when I was on the top of Mt, San Jacinto and she spoke to me in the clouds, now I can associate her with a place and time that still can exist, I just need to look to the sky.

All of this is my interpretation of what he's trying to say. I could be way off base on how to do it. He repeats over and over that we have to honor the depth of our connection without relating it to the past. My way of doing that is to think of my love for my mom and think of her as here, but not in her body state, so I solve the problem of where and when. She is here, right now. I don't need to see her because she is here. I don't need to wait for my death because the when is now, she's already with me. 

I am guessing that once we can start to think this way, the memories will be easier to bear. I have found that they have been getting easier for me. I still relapse into moments when I "can't believe" she is gone, the denial. I think I have resolved the anger, but I realize the process is a tricky one and I can go back to that stage again as well. I am not sure I am quite at the acceptance stage. Not fully anyway. I also think I realize it's ok to cry any time I want to, I don't have to feel like I'm ok means I never cry about her being gone again. I know that I don't need to compare my grief to anyone else's but that's a human thing to do. I realize I may be more inclined to try to move through the grief and not feel stuck because of how I have spent the last 2 years. At the same time, I still haven't been able to listen to the voicemail I have from her. Not yet.

My mom was so proud of me for learning mindfulness and meditation and stoicism. Learning to bring gratitude into my life every day and stop focusing on negativity. I know she wants me to continue that. Huberman also discussed that there was a study that showed people with stronger vagal tone tended to experience grief "easier" (not sure that's really the right word- they were less likely to have prolonged or complicated grief). He went into great depth on vagal tone and parasympathetic and sympathetic responses, but basically what I got was that people who learn to control their breath, which helps control heart rate, tend to handle grief "better". One of the things I have been doing the past 2 years is a lot of breath work, not just mediation but trying to play around with longer exhales, etc. I am hoping that it is helping me.

He also mentioned studies relating to cortisol levels and the ability to process grief. In brief people who don't get enough good sleep have cortisol spikes in the late afternoon or early evening that can affect your ability to grieve. He refers you to a podcast on improving sleep, but that will have to wait for another day for me, although I know I could definitely use tips. One tip he did give that he really insisted is essential is to within 30 minutes of waking to get outside and get at least 10 minutes of outdoor light, sunlight is best, but just being outside is good enough and if you can't get outside to expose your eyes to as much light as you can indoors, it is crucial for regulation of cortisol and other circadian rhythm stuff. It certainly seems like an esy enough thing to do...so I guess I need to start a new habit...get my butt outside ASAP.

I think I am doing ok most days, though I still have my fair share of crying, but again, I am not sure I should look at that as a gauge of anything. 

One thing I still struggle a lot with is control. I find myself constantly reminding myself of what I can control....and it's only one thing....how I react to things. That's it. I can't control anything else. There are annoyances in my life and the only thing I can do is control how I react...I make them an annoyance by reacting to them that way, I just need to brush it off with a "It is what it is" or if it's something I can control and change than I need to change it. I also find myself worrying about my dad and my sister, wanting to help them, to take away their pain, but again...not something I can control. My mom's death sucks, it's going to cause all of us pain, and the only thing we can do is whatever the other person asks us to do, whether it's just being there or a hug or an I love you. There's no magic wand, no pill to take, we just have to hope that time will start to make it better, but still understanding that the grief will always be a part of us now.

Link to the podcast https://hubermanlab.com/the-science-and-process-of-healing-from-grief/