Wednesday, October 9, 2024

Feeling scared

Me and my rambling mind suddenly at a loss for words, not the first time in the past few weeks. I don't know where to start with why I am afraid.

I decided to reach out to my friend that "ghosted" me in 2021. I don't remember if I had written about it..I mean I have dozens of times in the wee hours of the morning when sleep evaded me, but only in my head. Long story short, I believe it was due to a misunderstanding about a post the hubby wrote on fb. I knew nothing of the post and hubby wrote it when feeling annoyed by the slow rollout of COVID vaccines, at a time when my health was in question and my anxiety sky high. He talked of an article about people jumping the line to get the vaccine, he was frustrated with the many unanswered questions about what was going on with my health (now I attribute it to long COVID, because all tests came back good and the symptoms are gone (except the tinnitus, which comes back and lasts for months after I get COVID)) Can I double parentheses?? Well I did! Anyway this friend had gotten the vaccine and we had no clue how he was able to "jump the line". Turns out we may have been wrong about that but not due to any fault on our part. Wait...where was I?? 

Oh right so after years of not speaking I reached out and a whole lotta of debating (with myself). Without my mom to offer advice, I was left with no other choice. The hubby was still very much on the don't do it side of the argument. But that just isn't me. I've said it before and I guess it's true. At my core I don't do grudges...that's not to say I forget but I am very prone to forgiving. It just doesn't feel good to me and my soul to be any other way. I think it's because I would like the same grace from others that I have wronged, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I am not perfect and I certainly stick my foot in my mouth more than my fair share. I won't say I never intentionally hurt people but it is rare that I do, other than if I am in a complete rage, which I am thankful to report happens much less frequently now that I have been studying stoicism. Dammit....did I ramble....guess I have more words than I thought...or I am avoiding what I really came to write about....yup that's it....

Ok say I wrote a fb message, not knowing if I was blocked but having deleted his phone number, I didn't really have another way to reach out. I simply stated that I was sorry to hear of recent health troubles with him and his husband and that I was sending good thoughts to them. (Side note: he was diagnosed with cancer the same time my mom was and although a friend had told me then. I just didn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with them both going through treatment, especially since I wasn't even sure he'd be receptive to hearing from me (and I couldn't deal with that either)) More double parentheses?? I ramble more than the orange turd does! Yup. I am still avoiding... so anyway on top of still going through chemo 2 1/2 years later, his husband ends up with some serious blood clots that put him in the ICU. Again, I thought about reaching out, but I was dealing with more drama....trying to find a house, because Dad decided he wanted his house back. Excuses, excuses. 

So then I find out (because he's messaging my dad) that he's starting his 3rd round of chemo and something shifts in me. It happened at the same time I found out my uncle(and godfather) had been in a coma for a month (don't ask why no one let us know) and also the Helene mess in TN and NC. My empathy meter was on overflow and I was crying a lot watching videos and reading stories. You probably won't remember that a mass shooting was what prompted me to extend an olive branch the last time this same friendship had been on hiatus, but I guess that stuff just makes me realize how trivial disagreements are in the grand scheme of things. So that's how I ended up sending the message. I wasn't sure at all how he would respond or if he would. He is the king of holding grudges (according to his husband). I thought maybe cancer and mortality might change him. I still can't answer that, but I did get a "Thank you". 

So why do I feel the need to write today and think that I am at a loss for words?

My uncle died today. I had made plans to visit him tomorrow. He was nonverbal, unresponsive but I was going more for my aunt because I know first hand how hard hospice is. I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about whether to go, the reasons again seem so trivial now. In the end I decided to focus on who he was and how he treated me when I was growing up and that's what made me decide to go. Unfortunately, the indecisiveness meant I didn't make it in time. 

And that brings me back to my friend. There's a huge cowardly part of me that doesn't want him back in my life because I am very afraid he's going to die and I don't want to go through that pain...and then there's the realistic part of me that knows it's going to hurt any way. It isn't even really up to me if we talk again, it's his choice. But I do know I could do more, be more persistent by reaching out again. And that's where I am right now... stuck    indecisive    speechless   

Stoicism reminds me that we really don't control anything other than our reactions. Whatever I do or don't do isn't going to change whether he beats the cancer. Hell I don't even know if I will die before him from something completely out of the blue. I control nothing...except how I react to these things. I can reach out again but I can't control HIS reaction. Only my reaction to however he chooses to react. And maybe that's too scary.... the stoicism book I am reading now focuses on courage, it's actually why I reached out in the first place. It said we can use fear to guide us in decision making, because often times the thing we fear is the path we should be taking. And I was very scared of reaching out. Rejection sucks.

I'm still so scared of everything, I haven't really regained my safety from 7 years ago to the day. This was the day I discovered my husband's infidelity and I haven't truly felt safe anywhere or with anyone since. I was getting there...and then my world was disrupted by cancer...lots of cancer, it wasn't just my mom or this friend, there were others (who have thankfully survived) and others who died from other causes (way too young). The political climate in this country has caused me to feel unsafe. The mass shootings that continue. The crazy weather we are experiencing. All of it causes anxiety. And that's why I keep plodding away with stoicism. Reminding myself that we will all die and there's only so much we can control and that worry is a waste of time and energy, it changes nothing. And yet I still get scared. often.

Focusing on gratitudes has been extremely helpful to me. Stoicism is a lifesaver. I certainly spend too much time worrying but honestly I am doing so much better than I have been. I spend a lot of time relaxing, feeling joy even. I am content for the most part. I just have these little bumps in the road where I like to reevaluate and make sure that what I am doing coincides with Memento Mori. Remembering that I will die and I need to do what is important to me now, sometimes it just takes some deep thinking to figure out what is important. And he is important.

Will I reach out again? I don't know. I am not sure it's will help with this helpless, scared feeling I have when I think of him. I know I don't want him to die. And I guess I want to make sure I let him know that I love him and I hope that I don't remain indecisive too long. 

After all of this I still keep lying to myself and saying it will hurt less if our relationship stays as it is now...but I know you know that I know it won't.


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