A reason for my current outrage?

 TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a sexual assault victim, this post may not be for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I was sexually assaulted.

 Four words. Pretty straight forward. Been driving me nuts for a while now. It has only been recently that I have even begun to acknowledge that I was sexually assaulted.

I still feel like a fraud saying it. Writing it. Thinking it. But I WAS sexually assaulted.

E Jean Carroll made me realize it. Not the MeToo movement, not the Bear in the woods question. I've always known I was sexually harassed. But never acknowledged that I was sexually assaulted too.

It's been over 40 years, maybe even over 45. (How can you NOT know? Shouldn't every detail be seared into your brain?) I STILL can't even say it without feeling like a fraud so why would I remember it with great detail? I mean I DO remember the event. The who, the where, the how but only a general idea of when. 

I was 10? 11? 12? I am not sure. It was summer. I was at the public pool and I won't name the boy who did it, because what the hell is the point now? I was hanging on the side of the pool. Recovering from having just been held under water for a scarily long time. He was just "playing". While I hung there, catching my breath and shaking, he came up behind me and inserted his finger in my vagina. As quickly as he did it, it was over. He made a comment that I suppose was meant to be derogatory, but in my adult state I realize it would actually be a compliment, but he delivered it with a sneer and mockingly. "You're so tight" the undertones being you're a virgin, what's wrong with you. Maybe that was just my brain. Boys were never interested in me, I felt ugly, bullying from both girls and boys about how underdeveloped I was for my age lowered my self esteem. Is this why I kept quiet? Why I never even thought about telling anyone? Was this attention better than no attention? I don't know. I wrote it in my diary at the time. My sister read it and made me feel ashamed about it (I do not hold this against her now, she was younger than me, I only mention it because I wonder if that added to my decision to just lock it away in the far corners of my brain and never revisit it.) 

That was it. That was "all" that happened. And you see how even today, a grown ass, confident woman who KNOWS that if someone else told me that happened to them I would call it sexual assault. And yet... here I am ... still downplaying it. Because he was just a kid... because it barely happened.... I wasn't "really" harmed by it.... . 

This thinking comes from living in a country where we never believe the victim, and when we do, we blame them. A country where the attacker (see? feels wrong to even call him an attacker) is made a SCOTUS judge, a POTUS... where we always talk about what girls should do to protect themselves but never about why we should make it clear to boys that THIS is unacceptable. and hold them accountable.

Is this why my anger at MAGA is so strong? Because these people don't care. They don't care that this man allegedly raped a child, that he was found guilty of assaulting E Jean Carroll. Where they call libtards pedophiles while ignoring the actual Matt Gaetz's and Pete Hegseth's in their party that are pedophiles or sexual assaulters!

I am still processing it...obviously. I have talked about it with a couple of people and I hoped writing about it would enable me to stop obsessing about why it had come to light now and what I should do with the memories. Pack them back up? What's there to do now? I think I just want to be able to say it without feeling like a fraud. If I say it enough I can forgive myself for not properly taking care of myself when it happened. I know my dad would have went ape shit. He nearly got arrested when a boy stole my books when I was walking home from elementary school, I can only imagine what he would have done to this boy. What about other girls? Surely I wasn't the only one. 

So here I am... the story told and I just don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts. It all seems so pointless now. I guess giving myself love and compassion is all I can do. 

Thank you for reading.