Once again it's been far too long since I have blogged. The good news is I am doing even better than my last blog, which I just finished reading and think it was pretty accurate in reflecting exactly how I was feeling at the time, sometimes I think I don't do a good job of getting the meaning I intended to come through, hence the word "rambling" in my blog heading.
We just got back from doing a 16 day holiday cruise, a repeat on the same ship we did last year for the holidays with a whole new itinerary. This year's cruise was so much easier for me. I had moments of forgetting (or being unable to) live in the now, due to some stuff I learned was happening at home with my uncle, the cat sitter. But I finally accepted that there wasn't a damn thing I could do way down in the southern Caribbean. And it didn't take me long at all to get there. Stoicism is truly amazing when practiced daily. It has become so much easier to get myself away from useless, destructive thinking. Hallelujah! lol
Don't get me wrong I still struggle, but it is on such a different level now. I am so quick to get myself back on track, the wallowing is minimal. A lot has happened since August. I saw a woman who calls herself an intuitive guide and helps you with releasing emotions. Was supposed to be 45 minutes, was well past an hour and lots of tears were shed but though it was kind of a blur afterwards to remember the details of everything that was said I absolutely left feeling better. She mostly does this through zoom calls, but because of internet issues still being a problem here, she allowed me to come see her at her apartment. I will attempt to post a link to her fb, she is also on instagram if you don't do fb. https://www.facebook.com/TinaMarieHMG
I am still reading a lot! One particularly good book I found useful was How to Change by Katy Milkman. I often blur messages I get from books together when I read them back to back but what stood out for me from this one is when you make the changes you want, it is imperative to understand that the work isn't done. You must be diligent in making sure you don't back slide. She gives great pointers on not only how to change but how to keep a look out for obstacles that may come up and cause you to falter on your journey or cause you to back slide.
I'm still very flexible as to where my path will lead me this year but I feel like my time in Tennessee may be coming to an end sooner than I may have originally thought, I accept that this is just a thought and may have zero basis in what actually happens. I am keeping my eyes open for signs and trying to listen to myself as to what I want for the future. Right now, at THIS moment, here still feels right, so I will live in the now and find ways to enjoy the present (despite the scary weather (we had a tornado within a 1/2 mile of our mobile home and currently are getting reading for some near zero temps, ewww!!)).
Sometimes I don't feel our presence here is helping my dad and then he will surprise me with appearing to be in a better mood than I anticipate (unfortunately he will also make statements completely 180 from what his outward mood seems to be, as a fellow sufferer of depression, I am well aware of how easy it is to fool people, but I am also aware that I have often felt good but my brain would fight it by making statements to the contrary, almost as if to lure me back to the dark side, so I am not really sure how he actually feels and realize maybe he isn't either. I am sure there is a lot of guilt any time he thinks he feels better, he doesn't want the world to think he isn't still grieving my mom or that he's gotten over it). While I question if we are helping at all, I do still wonder how bad it would be if we weren't, he struggles to find any thing to distract him and I have a feeling alcohol's temptation would be completely irresistable. I know he still has the desire to live and to try to figure out how to do that without her. I wish I had the answers, I also know it isn't' a problem that someone else can solve for him.
I go through times where my flashbacks to my mom are good, just her smile, her laugh and then times where I see the details of her last 2 weeks so clearly that I still wonder how any of us are coping at all. It truly was that horrific. Sometimes I think I am just fine and then hot tears stream down my face, literally out of nowhere, with the thoughts following the tears instead of prompting them. I've become so much more aware of my emotional responses that I have wondered why it is that the tears that hit you by surprise are always so hot. Maybe it's just me, but I definitely notice a difference in my tears, how they flow, the temperature, how hard it can be to stop them when they hit you in the gut out of nowhere. I wonder if this is something that will be with me the rest of my life or if like the pain of my husband's betrayal will eventually just cause a momentary catch in my breath and I will be able to stop the full emotional reaction before it gets to the point of tears and pain.
Through all of this my husband has been there, a constant example of how to live in the now, how to find good in every day, how to relax, how to be grateful. We are so good for each other, or at least I hope I have something to offer him, more than just my love and loyalty. I think I still give him examples of things he can do to continue to better himself, though I struggle to think of anything right now. lol He has definitely been the one carrying the load for the past 18 months. I know I have gotten to the place I am so much more quickly because of him, he is always there to gently remind me when I falter. Even just a simple, "Maybe you need to be reading more" is enough to remind me of the stoic principles I often forget to apply when I am faced with a difficult situation. His patience is endless.
What will 2024 bring? It doesn't matter, I am here for all of it. I am strong enough to handle the "bad" and smart enough to know the "good" won't last either. Life is a roller coaster, I'm here for the ride, taking a front seat by continuing to work on myself so that what control is offered to me I will be able to accept instead of hiding from it, waiting for the storm to pass, I want to be right there fighting my through to get to the other side. The Serenity Prayer has developed a much deeper meaning for me. Acceptance and courage and of course wisdom!
I am tempted to make a resolution but that kind of flies in the face of living in the now. Each moment I will decide what needs to be done to make that moment a good one and hopefully those decisions will then lead to future good ones. (like losing the 5.5 pounds I gained on the cruise!! lol)
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