For me

 This one's for me.

More of a public diary than a blog post.

I have been having moments of ... sadness? profound sadness. That hit me like a gut punch. I will be doing my thing...reading about stoicism, trying to practice it. Having gratitude for everything I have. Acknowledging how much I have. Way more than enough. And then... boom.... a gut punch of despair. Wanting to drop to my knees and cry. Yes, it's that powerful. I am not being dramatic. It's almost debilitating in it's strength. And the only thing that keeps me going is knowing... I have so much. Which can cause me guilt. Guilt at feeling so much pain without a reason. Thankfully I am capable of stopping that snowball but it doesn't always stop the physical symptoms. The brain fog, wooshiness from anxiety. 

I try to tell myself I am storytelling when I try to "reason" out why I am feeling these horrible moments. But, unfortunately, some of the stories are true. America IS a shit show right now. I remind myself of what I can do about that (not much, but I am doing the little that I can). And then there's all the other stuff that I can't do much about. My sister's son. My dad's grief. My friend's cancer. Whatever is going on with my cat. 

I know how bad worry is for us physically. I feel it. The stomach sickness, the tightness in my jaw and shoulders. I try meditating, I immerse myself with distractions. Right now I just want to go back to sleep to escape. I know that's not healthy. I'm just so mentally exhausted by all of it. And, yet... I remind myself.... MY LIFE is great. It's all of these other people who are experiencing the real stress. Mine is just worry. I know...I know.. worrying about loved ones is still a stress, it just feels so selfish... because it is. It's MY worry... I can't help them by worrying. It's wasted energy, doing nobody any good. It feels wrong to just go on being happy while they struggle. Even all the crap in America. Most of it won't affect me. Sure the healthcare stuff will, but even then I can afford to deal with it, it won't be what I want to spend my retirement money on. I may need to have to go back to work. But I'll be fine. So many won't. 

I sit hear listening to the birds chirp, it's a chilly rainy day, the squirrels don't care, the tomato plants love it. The air smells clean, Everything is green and beautiful. Life is good. For me. Right now. Right here. 

So why can't I let go of the tension in my shoulders?Why aren't the deep breaths relaxing me? Because I care... I care about my friend that I am about to call. The whole situation is replaying out the last months of my mom's life. It's too similar. But I remind myself I don't know what's going to happen (it yells back YES YOU DO!) No, no I don't. The reality is I could die before he does. No one knows. I don't know. I really don't. 

Not sure this was helpful... I guess it's the resistance causing the suffering. I am fighting so hard not to feel this way it's making me feel worse. Maybe I need to just allow myself a good cry and stop pretending I'm not afraid. Stop pretending I can avoid the pain. Stop pretending  I KNOW what's going to happen. Enjoy today. It's not easy but the alternative sucks...