Rick Springfield just received an award for his openness and honesty about his depression and suicide attempt. When he speaks, I know he understands, because it is obvious to anyone who has been there that he, too, has truly been there. I don't know if people who have never experienced depression are better to able to understand it through his description, but I know that those of us who have, watch him speak and nod with understanding.
Though my blog mentions that I am a runner, I rarely blog about running. What I do blog a lot about is depression. I don't know why I feel the need to try to get those not affected to have a true glimpse of what it is like. I guess it's when I hear people say "But he had it all, he was smart, he was good looking, he was rich.. why would he do this? Why wasn't he happy?" it bothers me because it IS NOT about that. It just drives me nuts that people think it is as simple as "just be happy" or that people even have control over whether they follow through with their suicidal thoughts. I have never attempted suicide, but I have never gotten to that depth of blackness. I have felt my self falling, I have felt hopeless, I have felt like it might be the only solution, but I have never concluded that it WAS the only solution. Yet, I can understand how easily it is to slip that far. It is all encompassing. The darkness. The thoughts come in waves too fast to recover from. No matter how many people love you, you feel so alone.
This is just me remembering what if feels like. It is really hard to describe it when you aren't there. It's like this place you go to that when you leave your mind is erased. You can't remember what is was like. Not the true depths of how horrible it is. That is why I have tried to blog while I was depressed. But even then it wasn't from the worst place. That place is so dark that you aren't thinking about sharing your experience with others, you aren't thinking of helping yourself escape. it's only on the way back out that I can share and so it isn't the truest description.
Today's attempt is to differentiate between sadness, depression and hurt.
In the last 7 months I have experienced depression once. It was a couple of months back, for not even a day and as has been the case for the last few years, it was caused by my hormones. You may think with all the shit going on that I have good reason to be depressed right now. But that isn't how depression works for me. Sure many people get depressed for situational reasons, but I'd guess the really hard to treat cases are the ones that are caused from hormones or chemical imbalances in the brain. A therapist can help you through rough situations but there's only so much they can do for the other shit!
So my depression lasted less than a day because something triggered me and I got angry. And I realized how much better the anger felt. I had more control. Not a lot more, but depression just feels so completely hopeless and I feel helpless to do anything other than ride it out. And it lasts so much longer than a rage episode. And since that day I have yet to feel depressed again. Ahhh but that doesn't meant there hasn't been crying...or sadness...or pain.
Part of me wonders if my depression is truly hormonal, why is it giving me a vacation? There are lots of changes going on with me hormonally-- longer breaks between periods (as much as 10 weeks late), shorter breaks (the last one came after 3 weeks, only to be followed up by another one a week later!! WTF!?!?) Paranoia seems to be less (thank god!), some months hair/nail growth is off the scales, pimples more rampant. All kinds of fun stuff. And I had started gaining weight for no reason, until I discovered the affair and quickly lost it. So would the depressive episodes have lessened anyway? Or does my brain have more of a role than I realized and it knows I am not quite up to handling depression right now? Is it protecting me? I haven't had any suicidal thoughts. Not a one. Why? Because I don' want to kill myself when I am "normal" -- it has only ever been the depression that made me have those thoughts.
Which brings me to the next thing that is really hard to admit. I would rather feel the pain, sadness and anger of the last 7 months than feel a day of depression. THAT is how bad depression is. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone and yet, for me, it is still better than the years of depression. It is so fucking bizarre to think that. While I want nothing more than for this to never have happened...it has been "nice" having a break from the depression....how insane is that?
I can talk myself through pain and sadness. When I am in the pit of depression, it is sooooo hard to remember that it isn't real--and by that I mean, that I love my life, that there is no reason to be depressed. That's what I mean by not real. I don't really believe that life is pointless and that I will never be happy and that everything is bleak and hopeless. But that is exactly how I feel when depression comes knocking at my door. Rick Springfield calls it Mr. D. And it does feel like that...an unwelcome guest. An entity. Something bigger than you, stronger than you, something that is always lurking in the shadows waiting for a weak moment to spring itself on you and take you down into the hole. You would think it would seize this opportunity if that really were the case. It would see how rough it is for me now and jump at the opportunity to bring me all the way down. Maybe it sees my strength and is frightened of me. Maybe it will never come again? As optimistic as I have become, I don't believe that. I would think more likely it looks at me as easy prey...too easy, maybe it likes a challenge. Maybe it will wait for me to feel whole again and then come sneaking back in.
I don't know if this makes it easier for you to understand those in your life who struggle with depression....and isn't that an apt term? It really is a struggle...to picture a Mr. D, I can almost see myself wrestling with the him...throwing him into the pit, as I climb out finding my way back from the dark.
I don't miss that struggle. I hate this pain. But, I promise you this pain is still so much better than that pit of hopelessness. While in pain, most of the time I believe it will end. I believe my moments of happiness and peace will grow longer, that with time I will forget how bad I have been hurting. Because even in this pain, I feel happiness. I can smile while being sad or hurt. I can't smile when I am depressed. The smile is superficial when I do. Depression is soul sucking. Sadness is surface level. Sure it FEELS deep, but while sad, I can dig down and find happiness in memories, when I chose to look for it. In depression, I don't even know that digging is an option, because I am too busy trying to climb out of that darkness.
So when you read my blogs and feel my pain...remember while this pain hurts, I still prefer it to feeling the nothingness of depression.
Quote:
I've felt happiness at it's greatest
And I've felt depressed to the core
But there's nothing worse than being numb and feeling no more
Julie Martinez
I will take the pain over feeling nothing. Not to say that I don't look forward to the day when the pain is buried deep enough that I can feel more happiness and less pain.
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