Halfway through May

So it's halfway through the month I have been dreading. One year since he started lying. Still don't know when he "fell in love". But phone records prove he texted her beginning this month last year.

The first 2 days sucked ass. I mean REALLY BAD! I can't even remember what I was thinking. But there was a lot of screaming and crying and even some dry heaving, from crying too much. It was ugly. But we made it through.

I calmed down and we were able to have some revealing conversations. I'd like to say the revelation helped...and it SHOULD...but it doesn't help nearly as much as I thought it would.

We concluded together, after a lot of questions and thought. What he really wanted was a purely emotional relationship...not only that but he wanted an electronic relationship. He didn't like talking to her on the phone (did it once, maybe twice, I can't remember and don't want to look at the bills again). He claimed that was because he was afraid I'd see it on the bill. When I pointed out that the 1500 texts every month and the texts while out of the country didn't worry him, he realized that perhaps he really just wanted a "virtual" relationship.

We realized he had many opportunities to physically be with her and would lie and tell her he couldn't see her. After he quit his job, he saw her less than once a week. And he was fine with that. He even lied and said he couldn't talk to her. Their texts were so lame. I read over a week's worth and it was all juvenile proclamations of love and admiration for each other. And lies. Lots of lies. He lied to her more than he lied to me. When he would see her, he couldn't wait to leave her. I went to gay night at Magic Mountain. About a 2 hour drive, he could have spent a lot of time with her...but didn't. Again his excuse at first was that he wanted to make sure he beat me home. But I was texting him and he knew I was still there. She only lives 20-30 minutes away...he could have stayed until I left at least.

Knowing he just wanted to someone to make him feel good, someone more pathetic than him, doesn't help. I should be glad that he didn't really love her. Didn't even want to be with her. But it barely matters.

I went to her store a few days ago. It isn't the first time I have been. I refuse to go out of my way to avoid her. Why should I? I didn't do anything wrong. Sure it gives me some anxiety. But I will not cower. I am strong. Stronger than I ever knew. She was there this time. And I knew she would be. I was dressed in a red shirt because it was the weekend and that's a job requirement. But even at my worst, I am sooo much better than her. In every way. I am not afraid of her. She fears me. I could feel it in her texts. Threatening to get a restraining order because my FRIEND went there...how does she feel about ME going there? Keep in mind he said nothing threatening to her, but she reacted with fear. Not me. I have nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be embarrassed about.

I took the high road. I said none of the things I have been rehearsing for 8 months. So many different scenarios I have played out in my head. I merely asked about whether the chip reader was working for the credit card and she mumbled a yes. She did not greet me (an Aldi policy, and just common courtesy) and she did not thank me. She was miserable. I hope she went and shit herself, after she immediately left the checkout area. She was also ugly. I had met her once a long time ago and thought nothing of her, she was unremarkable. The photos he had of her weren't great but they certainly hid her flaws. She has horrible skin. As I stood there looking at her I tried to imagine him caressing her cheek, like he caresses mine. How? So nasty, bumpy and just gross. And that's WITH make up. I need him to see her again. He still refuses to say she's not attractive. Not to the degree she actually is. He needs to see that he was blinded by her weakness, attracted not to her looks or her personality. He texted things about her being the most beautiful woman in the world....he needs to see her again. And he will.

All of the books I have been reading, say for him to make this right, he needs to do what I need. I need this. I need him to see her without the "goggles" he wore to deny the truth of her looks. I don't know why I need it. Part of me wants to be sure he doesn't see her and fall for her again. He claims it all instantly went away. It didn't take time for him to put her in the past. He instantly had no feelings for her. I find that incredibly hard to believe and yet it does make sense if he never even wanted to physically be with her. And it certainly makes sense now that I have seen her in person. Remember I don't think that much about myself....but I do know she ain't got nothing on me. NOTHING.

So I say I took the high road but that was at the store....I did go home and take their survey. I mentioned how unfriendly she was and that I had neither been greeted or thanked. My hope is the results get back to her. I know they do at my store! Then we will see how she acts next time I see her!

I did go again today. I needed to. And that is the only reason I will go. I will not deliberately harass her, as much as I'd like to and as much as she deserves it. If she feels harassed because I am shopping....fuck her. If she had any decency, since she's allegedly a "Christian" she would apologize to me. I won't hold my breath for that!

So I had 2 really bad days and then a nice long stretch of good. The past couple days have been meh. Part of me thinks it is because I realize my son will be here soon and I feel a little claustrophobic as far as keeping my feelings inside...if that makes sense? I want the freedom to feel however I feel. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry. With him here I will need to "act". So I think I need to get it out of my  system so the good stretch will coincide with his visit.

I am still all over the place with how I want to handle our anniversary....I am positive if he tries to give me a card I may kill him (figure of speech..relax!!). He has been warned and he isn't that stupid.

His therapy is going well and he's handling me well.

I am currently reading "How Can I Forgive You?" and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". I highly recommend both books. I learned a lot very quickly in the forgive book. He really is doing everything right. It's like he wrote the damn book. That kinda makes it hard for me, because I am just not ready to forgive and the book says you never have to, but it also kinda says that's if the offender isn't remorseful or other stuff...and again he is just about perfect in terms of how he reacts to me and how he's trying to fix himself. Some times I still just want him to pay. I want him to have a consequence. He thinks watching me being so hurt is his cross to bear, but that just doesn't feel like enough. I find myself thinking I should cheat. Not wanting to, but wanting to....I know it doesn't make sense. That's where the other book is coming in handy....it's not about not caring. It's about choosing what to care about. Learning to live with pain and unhappiness, instead of thinking you can have a life free from it.

If there's anyone in your life you can't forgive or even if you find yourself easily offended, or feel like a victim...I really think you HAVE to read the forgive book, it's not about affairs, it's about so much more than that.

Well the next week will be filled with house cleaning and then a visit with my son....I am going to enjoy it.....and stop worrying about this shit for a while!!