So i have been trying to figure out the best way to relay what happened last night. I think I am going to go with facts first- hopefully void of my emotions- and then follow up with my thoughts.
For those of you new to the blog: Rachel Tamez (real name, she didn't do anything wrong (her words) so no need to protect her --oops did I put emotion in there?) was a married coworker of my husband. She left her husband to be with mine. She knew he was married and had even met me. She also claims to be a Christian. Apparently to that sect that doesn't have any commandments. My husband decided to start texting her behind my back--even though we had a previous "fight" about this sort of thing 3 years prior--he promised to never lie or hide things from me again. He "doesn't know" who started it, how it started or even when. Phone records show it was last May but who knows when they "fell in love". On multiple occasions I confronted him last summer-- he was drinking, being nasty to me and just not being himself. I "knew" he was cheating; however I am also going through peri menopause which makes me paranoid and anxious. He convinced me that even though this felt EXACTLY like when my ex husband had cheated on me, he would NEVER do that to me. I was in fact crazy. There were other times I confronted him with things and he continued to deny because I had no solid proof. I even used her name...multiple times. Then on October 9th, he got caught. He hadn't deleted the messages and he could not deny it any longer. His remorse was immediate. For whatever reason I decided to let him stay-- I did ask him to leave (without his car, phone or any money) but ultimately we decided to try therapy and here we are. The only other thing of significance is that ballsy whore decided to call him 3 weeks after I ended it. This is important because she likes to pretend I am the one not moving on and she has, but obviously she was waiting for him to start again, because he had tried to end it before.
Fast forward through the months of pain: crying, screaming, happiness, hope, despair, anger, more crying and endless roller coaster.
I have been going to that Aldi for a couple months. Not often. But I refuse to go out of my way. I did NOTHING wrong. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or to hide from. And so I have gone when necessary. Mostly uneventfully, as she hasn't been there. But a coupe weeks ago, she was there and I took the high road and said nothing (see my previous blog for what I did do afterwards. I decided after seeing her that he needed to see her. She was way more unattractive than the photos I saw or what I remembered from our one meeting pre affair. I wanted him to see the face he could have been living with, the body he could have chose to fuck (for newbies..this affair was emotional, only kissing involved, see other blogs for more info), who he could have spent "eternity" with.
Some of you may say..."Wait that's a really bad idea" but here's the thing we both have been reading lots of books on affairs and forgiving. It actually isn't a bad idea. Some suggest it for closure.
So a few days ago, I stopped after work just to check the parking lot, her car wasn't there so the confrontation would be delayed til another day. But yesterday, yesterday I needed to shop. And she was there. It was 4, so I had no way of knowing if she would be leaving soon or working til close, but we made plans to go back. On this visit I completely ignored her. Except for her being feet away while a man asked me about corn and I made it a point to keep mentioning "my husband" while answering his questions. I was deliberately super friendly, jovial and laughing like I had no cares in the world and wasn't standing feet away from the whore who tried to wreck my marriage. I know it's silly but it made me happy to have her see me being unaffected by her presence. And, in truth, I wasn't. No stomach turning, no dread. I felt nothing towards her.
I went home, we had dinner and then we headed back to Aldi. I am sure it wasn't easy for him. I know how I felt for months driving past that place on my way to work so although I was empathetic, it was limited. He did this to himself. To us. And he KNOWS he did something wrong. He knows I needed this.
What was the plan? I intended to say nothing. He was going to say something hurtful. We didn't discuss details. I needed it to be authentic.
Her vehicle was there. This was it. Still I did not feel nervous. My expectation, my hope, was for him to speak, her to cry and run off. That's what I wanted. I was tired of being the only one crying. I wanted her to sob like I sob. I felt horrible wanting to see another person hurt like that but I felt like she asked for it when she messed around with a married man. I justified it that way. I haven't always been overly empathetic. I was as a young kid, not so much as a bullied middle schooler, but even in college I was empathetic toward minority groups who I felt were treated unfairly. Then I went on Prozac and I was a zombie who didn't care about anything or anyone. I was also so unhappy in my career, I didn't think about others. But over the past 5 years my empathy has grown to new levels. I feel the need to do things and say things when I see people treated horribly. And even with Rachel, I felt bad. I wasn't sure who started it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was weak and in need of something and my husband gave it to her. Who could turn down such a handsome, kind man? I placed most of the blame on him, because he couldn't tell me what her role was. So I teetered between being angry at her and being mad at myself for the things I wanted to do to her. That has changed.
So here's the part where I will just relay what happened. I know so far I have been a little rambly..but that's what I do....thanks for bearing with me!
We walk in.
We don't see her.
We contemplate how to act normal.
I want tea. We get it. Still no signs of her.
We decide she can't see us before we see her or we may miss the chance to talk to her.
We hang out in the back, listening for activity. He finally sees her. We head her way.
She's at the end of an aisle. It's a long walk. She sees us coming. She smiles. She's talking on her walkie as we walk up, so we have to just stand there. We are holding hands.
Rachel (smiling): "Why are you here?"
Dave: "I wanted to tell you that I regret--"
Rachel (interrupting as she looks at his arm) "You HAD to get a tattoo"
she continues to say "You didn't need to come here to tell me that"
Me (talking over her, directly into her eyes, calmly, LOUDLY and simply) "FUCK...YOU"
Rachel: "You want to go outside"
Me: "Let's go"
Rachel: "I didn't do anything wrong"
Me (as something breaks inside of me): "Are you fucking kidding me?"
I turn to the 2 ladies checking the same corn I checked a few hours before "Let me ask you...did SHE do anything wrong? She cheated with my husband? Did SHE do anything wrong? Or is she a WHORE?"
At this point Dave is trying to get me to walk away. I have no idea what she is saying.
I yell back (in response to her? I think she said don't bother me at work) "Oh I will be in here every fucking week if I want. You can count on that bitch. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will shop wherever the fuck I want to"
Rachel: "I will be off at 6, come back and we can take care of this"
Dave tries to get me leave, I am yelling that I want my tea and I did nothing wrong and am going to get my tea. We stand at the empty register, waiting...2 ladies near the freezer aisle look over because he's still trying to get me to forget the tea, I'm still yelling I did nothing wrong. I yell "CUNT" as loud as I possibly can. A cashier comes up, a little awkward at first, rings us up, is actually smiling, nearly laughing. The manager approaches "Ma'am I am going to have to ask you to keep your voice down there are others trying to shop". I look her directly in the eye "No problem..I can do that." She walks off. I say to no one in particular, at a normal tone "Doesn't matter to me if I scream it or say it quietly, either way she's still a whore."
So that's it. Nothing at all like either of us expected.
I was still seething and full of adrenaline when I left. Thoughts racing, but not one of them regret for going.
As I calmed down I saw things differently.
At first I thought her comment "You HAD to get a tattoo" was a question. Implying he was a whipped dog and I forced him to get a tattoo and that's what triggered me to say...scream....FUCK YOU. I have a different take now, but give me a minute to get to that. Her response to that was what broke the flood gates. All of this time I have been thinking she felt sorry. I mean who wouldn't? Who wouldn't have some realization that another person was hurt by your actions. My angry texts to her. Shouldn't that make a normal person realize the extent of what they did? I was so busy seeing Dave's pain at what he did to me, I just assumed she felt that way too. But "I didn't do anything wrong"?. At that moment I was incredulous. I was not going to let her or anyone else think that way.
She had a choice in that moment, hell in the moment she saw us walking up. She repeatedly made bad choices, just as she did by having the affair in the first place. She isn't capable of making a good choice. She SHOULD have walked away...at any point, but surely after seeing my anger while screaming FUCK YOU. Prior to that she could still cling to his lies about me being a weak, fragile person, who wouldn't survive him leaving me. But after that rage in my eyes, she couldn't believe that anymore...her initial response even before "I didn't do anything wrong" was "Let's take this outside"....again...who thinks like this? Who is the cheater and thinks THEY need to beat me up? I am the "victim"...how does she get to be the one "throwing down". What does she even think she is fighting for?? I wish I had thought of it then, but again I was so shocked...he had me believing she was some loving, kind person, not a hard ass bitch. I wish I would have simply said "I already won...I don't need to fight you. It's over. What purpose would fighting serve? You think you kick my ass, you get him back? Doesn't work that way, sweetie. He doesn't WANT you and never really did" Ahh but isn't hindsight always 20/20?
So the tattoo comment. Looking back, I can see the look in her eyes as she saw it and it changes the meaning. And, no I can't really know what she was thinking, I am just guessing. But I think it was the realization that he was never coming back to her. Like "You had to get a tattoo, now we can never be together"...Like "Well I guess this door is really shut, he can't tell me he's pretending to work it out with her but still wants to spend eternity with me". Or she just thinks he's a pussy and HAD to get a tattoo to make me happy. I don't really care.
Because here's my take on the success of this "mission".... it went nothing as expected, but was actually the best possible outcome. Though I still have some remnants of empathy..I wonder if the denial of guilt is something she HAS to believe because it would kill her to accept that she is a home wrecking whore. Or is she really that cold? Doesn't matter. She now has to go to work every day with not only her coworkers knowing, but those corn ladies (who Dave recognized because they shop there so often) knowing she is a WHORE. She can't spin it any other way. If she had let it go at FUCK YOU...she could have made up any story about me being crazy....but she opened the flood gates and gave me permission to reveal her personal life to anyone and everyone who wanted to listen. Again I did nothing wrong. Had I went in there screaming about her being a whore....unprovoked...I would feel guilt. I didn't....she ASKED for it. She asked for her when she played with fire by loving a married man and she DEMANDED it when she wanted to "take it outside" and claim she "did nothing wrong". She brought it all on herself. And, sure, I could have still chosen to take the high road, but really who in their right mind would have in this situation? She provoked me.
Those coworkers are new, they don't know Dave. Whatever she told them after we left, they will go to the veteran workers and ask about it....she has to work like that. Every time those corn ladies come in they will look at her just a little differently and what's she going to do? It would be awkward to even attempt to explain it..she has to just keep her mouth shut and not defend her actions. She likes to have the last word. She can't. And I love it. And I don't feel bad for loving it. She's every bit the horrible person I thought she was and more. I thought her silence on my 2 visits was shame. It wasn't. She hates me more than I hate her. I won. And now I can move on. It helped. It felt good to scream at her, it felt good to reveal who she really is to her coworkers. I feel good. Should I? I don't fucking care. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** came at the perfect time. I am not embarrassed I made a scene, maybe she thought was safe to speak to me that way, thinking I wouldn't....I don't care. She was wrong.
I am out of time and probably have more to say. I mean you don't really even know what his reaction was.
But please know I feel so much peace, I woke up happier than I have in a long time. A weight is off my shoulder.
Are you wondering will I go back?
I decided I still will not avoid it. But I will make some effort to make sure I don't need to go there. For awhile that should be easy, better planning of meals. Over time we will get lazy and I know it will end up being more convenient to go there...and I will.
I kind of like knowing she'll be looking over her shoulder waiting for me....because I am pretty sure she knows now that I don't fucking care. I wish I had some red headed friends, I'd love to send them in there so she'd catch a glimpse of red hair and get an adrenaline rush wondering if it was me, but then nope just some other red head....and I don't feel any remorse for wishing her those feelings. She asked for and she keeps asking for it...all she had to do was apologize or walk away....but she "didn't do anything wrong" so FUCK HER!
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